Finding Home (27 page)

Thirty-One

Things were different after that.  The helplessness I’d felt since the moment I found out about the baby was no longer there because I knew Brandon would be there for me and for the first time in a long time, I felt hopeful about the future.  I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but something told me we’d be okay. 

Brandon and I were adjusting to life in our little apartment.  I’d hung a few pictures on the wall and it was starting to feel like our own space, like it truly belonged to us. 

My sister had smuggled out as many of my clothes as she could in a suitcase and brought it over to our apartment while my parents were at work one day since they were still not speaking to me.  I’d have to find some way to repay Shay some day for how much she’d helped me through all of this.  I tried not to think about the fact my parents were still too upset with me to see me.  It hurt too much to know they hated me and I tried keeping myself occupied at the diner.  I worked as much as I could, wanting to save up for when I had to take time off to have the baby.  Brandon had therapy in Wichita every week and he’d started to look for work too, which left us with limited time together…something neither of us wanted. 

I looked forward to my nights with Brandon.  We’d eat dinner together, taking turns doing the cooking.  I was actually surprised at how good Brandon was at it and I loved sitting across our little table each night talking about our day.  Ever since I’d attended the therapy session with him, he seemed more open.  He’d tell me about the discussions he’d have with his group and sometimes he’d even tell me about the talks he had with his individual counselor.  That was a good sign to me because he’d seemed so guarded…so unwilling to discuss it when he first got home. 

After our dinners, we’d clean up, one of us washing while the other one dried.  I’d never enjoyed washing dishes as much as I did with him.  I thought I wouldn’t be able to survive without a dishwasher, but now I actually kind of liked it because it gave us more time together.  When it was my turn to wash, he’d sometimes stand behind me, massaging my shoulders or when he was being especially playful, he’d snap my butt with the dishtowel.  I’d pretend to be mad, but he’d just laugh and do it again and eventually we’d end up making out on the kitchen counter.  Every day I learned something new and awesome about being in love and I wondered if it would always be like this because I couldn’t imagine any greater feeling. 

Nighttime was my favorite though.  I looked forward to crawling in beside him every night, curling up next to him, no matter how hot it was.  I always wanted to be touching him in one way or another.  It helped remind me he was there and I wanted him to know I was there too.  Brandon rarely had night terrors anymore.  The times he did, I’d just hold him until he’d settled down and I wouldn’t close my eyes until I knew he was at peace again.  Once I knew he was okay, I’d lie down beside him and go to sleep, praying maybe this time would be the last time he ever had to suffer through another terrifying memory. 

I hadn’t heard from Derek since he’d shown up at our apartment.  I had a feeling he was out of our lives permanently until I needed him to help with the adoption.  I’d been in touch with an agency and I had an appointment to meet with an adoption counselor and to start looking at perspective birth parents.  It was an appointment I was fearing and also looking forward to.  The unknown was the scary part.  I hoped the appointment would help ease those fears.  I tried not to think too much about it because if I did, my stomach would be nothing but a jumble of nerves and that wouldn’t get me anywhere.  Life still had to go on. I still had to work, which meant I still had to sleep and if my mind wandered too much, sleep wouldn’t come.

We’d had a busy day.  I’d worked in the morning, but then we’d driven to Wichita for a late lunch, wanting a change of scenery to keep our minds off of everything.  We’d stopped by Target to pick up a few things and as we walked, I suddenly realized we were near the baby section.  I stopped for a second, staring at everything surrounding us.  The walkers, the high chairs, the clothes and my stomach felt a little sick as I thought about how different this whole situation could be.  I knew this was going to be hard, but I could do it.  Brandon took my hand.  He knew what was going through my mind and he just continued to hold my hand as I wandered up and down the baby aisle.  I continued to walk, just looking around in a daze and then my eyes focused on a little yellow teddy bear.  I don’t know why I was drawn to do it, but I was and I walked over, picking it up and stroking its fur with my hand before placing it in the cart, Brandon looking at me curiously. 

“It’s for the baby.  A gift from me,” I said, choking up, but not allowing the tears to come.  If I allowed myself to cry every time I was feeling down or unsure, I’d never stop crying. 

Brandon didn’t question me about the bear and when we got home, I put the stuffed bear on our dresser and then we’d watched some TV before heading to bed since I had to wake up early.  I read a little before turning off the light and snuggling up to Brandon, quickly falling asleep.  I don’t know how long I was asleep, but the next thing I remembered was my eyes springing open and an intense pain in my abdomen.  I glanced at the clock quickly as I tried getting myself up.  It was nearly eleven-thirty.  I’d only been asleep a couple of hours.  I’d felt fine when I went to bed, but now, it felt as if someone had taken a soldering iron to my stomach.  I looked over at Brandon quickly.  He was still sound asleep.  I didn’t want to wake him if there was nothing to be concerned with.  Maybe I just needed to use the bathroom.

Holding my abdomen, I managed to get myself out of bed, shuffling towards the bathroom as I hunched over.  The pain only got worse with each step, but I finally reached the bathroom, flipping on the light and sitting down on the edge of the tub, breathing in deeply, trying to get the cramp to go away.  My heart started beating faster as I tried to remain calm while I told myself it was just a little cramp and that it’d stop and everything would be fine.  I tried telling myself this because it’s what I wanted to believe.  I had to believe everything would be alright, but then I looked down and I felt my eyes well with tears when I saw the dark red spot on my shorts.  I couldn’t move and it took me a second to find my voice to call for help.

“Brandon!” I finally yelled and waited for him to come. “Brandon!” I shouted even louder and I could hear him stumbling around the room.  I knew it’d be hard for him to get to me since he didn’t have his prosthetic on, but I just sat there, too afraid to move and I could hear him getting closer.  A moment later, he was in the doorway of the bathroom staring down at me, terror in his eyes.

“Shit…Mandy,” he said, hobbling over to me. “You’re bleeding.  Why’re you bleeding?” His voice was hurried and worried.

“I dunno,” I winced, clutching my abdomen harder. “I don’t know what’s going on,” I said, even though I knew exactly what was happening, and then looked up to meet his frightened eyes. 

“We need to get you to the hospital,” he said quickly. “Wait here.”

He was gone a second later and I heard him fumbling around in our bedroom.  I wasn’t sure what he was doing, but it didn’t take him long to come back.  He’d put his prosthesis on and was now wearing a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt.  He had a pair of my yoga pants in his hands and he came towards me.

“Put these on,” he said, helping me step into the pants he’d brought in.  They were black and I couldn’t see the blood with them on.  If not for the burning in my abdomen, I wouldn’t think anything was wrong.  I couldn’t kid myself though.  Something was very wrong. 

“C’mon, baby,” he said gently, easing me to my feet and leading me carefully to the front door. 

“I’m scared, Brandon,” I said, my voice shaking as we walked, and then he stopped for moment, pulling me to him, kissing me on the top of my head.

“Me too,” he said with a trembling voice as he led me outside. 

~~~

Brandon walked me hurriedly into the emergency room, never leaving my side or letting go of my hand until he was forced to.  When Brandon explained what was going on, they quickly took me to a bed.  They started with an ultrasound.  I held my breath when the doctor began.  In my heart, I knew I’d lost the baby and tears were stinging my eyes as I waited for him to tell me the news for certain.  I nearly fell off the table when a strong heartbeat began beating through the machine and the tears came when I realized the baby was still alive.  I hadn’t lost it after all.

“The baby’s okay?” I asked quickly, squeezing Brandon’s hand so tightly I thought I might break his fingers. 

“Yes.  The baby is alright.”

“But, the blood and the cramping,” I exclaimed quietly.

“We’ll have to run a few more tests, but I’m fairly certain it’s being caused by kidney stones and spotting sometimes occurs during pregnancy, which explains the blood.”

“Kidney stones?” I asked, my face curling up in confusion and relief and the doctor proceeded to tell me that while kidney stones were extremely painful, I’d be alright.  I’d just have to suffer until they passed.  The relief I felt was something I couldn’t describe.  I’d been so certain I’d suffered a miscarriage.  A wave of emotion washed over me at the news.  I was relieved to know the baby was still alive and growing inside of me, but for a split second, I felt disappointment too.  I didn’t want to admit it.  I didn’t want to admit that part of me felt relief when I felt the cramps and saw the blood.  Part of me thought my situation had resolved itself.  I wouldn’t have to make the tough choice because it had been made for me.  I was wrong though and the choices were still all mine.  

~~~

Since I was pregnant, they decided to keep me for observation until the stones passed.  Normally, they would’ve just sent me home with some pain meds, but they were being extra cautious with me and I didn’t mind.  After the scare I’d had, I’d do anything they told me to.

“I was so scared, Brandon,” I said quietly once we’d finally been left alone.  The doctor had given me something to take the edge off the pain, but they couldn’t give me much because of the baby. 

“Me too, Mandy.  Me too.” It grew quiet for a few moments and I breathed in deeply before drawing my eyes back to his. “What’s wrong, babe?”

“I’m almost ashamed to say it,” I said quietly and he took my hand, his thumb running softly over the back of it as I thought back to my feelings from earlier.

“You don’t have to be afraid to talk to me.  What’s wrong?”

I looked down as I tried to muster the courage to talk to him.  I knew I needed to speak to him.  I needed to talk about it.  I couldn’t keep it inside of me.

“Part of me was relieved when I thought I’d lost the baby,” I finally whispered and Brandon took my hand a little tighter. 

“You don’t have to be ashamed of that,” he said supportively and my eyes drew back to his and then he took in a deep breath. “Part of me felt it too.”

To hear him say it made me feel not so guilty, but I wondered if I’d ever completely let go of the guilt I felt.  When I first found out I was pregnant, I hadn’t wanted the baby and when I’d been jostled from sleep with pain I thought could only mean one thing, I hadn’t wanted the baby then either, even if that feeling only lasted a second.  It was something I don’t think I’d ever forget because now that I knew the baby was okay, the relief I felt far outweighed the relief I’d felt when I thought I no longer had a say in what became of the baby. 

“I’m ashamed to admit it too,” he continued quietly. “I just thought it would be easier for you this way and that’s all I want for you.  I don’t want to see you go through all of this and I thought that perhaps you wouldn’t have to anymore.”

I could see the tears in his eyes as he continued to hold my hand.

“That’s what I thought too,” I told him softly and it grew quiet again for a little while and we just continued to hold hands, taking in our thoughts and trying to reconcile them. “I’m glad the baby’s okay though.”

“Me too,” he answered. “We’ll get through this.  It won’t be easy, but you’ll be okay.  I’m so glad you’re okay.” He stood up, kissing me sweetly on the forehead before sitting back down. “We’re pretty messed up, huh?” he said through the lump in his throat and then we both laughed quietly.

“Yeah, we are, but we’re less messed up together,” I told him softly and the hesitant smile that graced his face sent a wave of peace over me. 

“Thank you for being in my life, Mandy.  Thank you for realizing I wasn’t the dick I pretended to be all those years when we were kids.  Thank you for always seeing the good in me,” he said as another tear fell from his eye, only to be matched by tears of my own. 

“And thank you for being here…for sticking by me through all of this…for showing me that I deserve to be loved.”

“You deserve everything, Mandy,” he said quietly, leaning down and kissing me sweetly before he scooted beside me, draping his arm around me as I cuddled in close to him and falling asleep in his arms. 

Thirty-Two

It’d been a painful night, but I’d finally passed the stone and been given the okay to go home and rest.  I was anxious to get back to my own bed and finally get some real sleep.  I’d only nodded off every now and then throughout the night due to the pain, but now that I was in the clear, I thought I could fall asleep the moment my head hit the pillow. 

Brandon had stepped out to get me a cinnamon roll at Bram’s per my request after the stone had passed, and shortly after he’d returned and I was licking the frosting off my fingers, the doctor came in to tell me I was being discharged. 

“The doctor told you to get some rest, so that’s what you’re gonna do,” Brandon told me when we walked into the apartment a couple of hours later.

“You won’t get any argument from me,” I said and he took my hand, leading me to the bedroom, pulling back the blankets on the bed, encouraging me to get in.  The mattress looked inviting and I climbed in without any fuss. 

“I need to run your prescriptions to the pharmacy. I’ll only be gone a little while.  Do you mind if I go?” he asked and I shook my head. “Need anything else while I’m out?”

“No.  I’m just gonna sleep.” 

“I’ve got my cell phone.  Call me if you need anything, okay?”

“Okay,” I agreed and then he pressed his lips to my cheek.

“I’ll be back soon,” he said and then disappeared, leaving me in the quiet loneliness of the apartment.  Just like I predicted, I think I fell asleep almost instantly because I don’t even remember hearing Brandon close the door when he left. 

I don’t know how long I’d been asleep, but a knock on the door woke me up.  It took me a second to register what the sound was and groggily, I flung the covers back, carefully easing myself out of bed.  I unlocked the deadbolt and I nearly fell down when I locked eyes with the dark brown eyes of my father.  My heart started to pound and my gaze darted to my mother who was standing beside him.   

“Mom.  Dad,” I stammered.  It felt like forever since I’d spoken to them and I was having trouble finding my voice. “What…what’re you doing here?”

“We’d like to talk to you,” my dad began and for the first time in my life, I heard fear and possibly regret in his voice.

I didn’t say anything, but I stepped aside and they walked into my tiny apartment.  I shut the door and I could see they were checking the place out by the way their eyes wandered around the room.

“So…you and Brandon are living together?” my mom asked.

“Yeah,” I said and I didn’t shy away from the answer.  I felt emboldened by everything that had happened over the past few weeks. “It’s not much, but we like it.”

“It’s cute,” my mom said, her response totally surprising me.

“Thanks,” I said and then my dad looked at me.

“Can we sit down?” he asked and I nodded. 

“How’re you feeling?” my mom asked once were settled on the couch and she nervously took my hand.

“I’m okay.”

“We heard you were in the hospital last night,” my dad said and I looked at them curiously.

“How’d you know?”

“Brandon,” my dad answered and again, I could feel the confusion on my face. “He stopped by this morning.”

“He did?” I asked, my voice barely above a whisper.

“He told us how frightened you were…that you thought you’d lost the baby,” my mom said, her tone quiet and when our eyes met again, I knew she was on the verge of crying. “You must’ve been so scared.  I know everything turned out okay, but it might not have and I’m sorry…I’m sorry we weren’t there to help you.”  She lost her battle and the tears began. 

“Mandy,” my father added and then he paused, waiting for me to look at him.  When I did, I thought he might cry too. “The way we’ve treated you…it hasn’t been right and…we’re sorry.”

I almost fell out of my chair when I heard those words leave his mouth.  In all my twenty-one years of life, I’d never heard my parents apologize.  They didn’t do that.  They were always right.  Always. 

“Dad…” I tried speaking, but no words would come out.

“You don’t need to say anything, honey.  You came to us…and we….and I…I said things to you I’ll never forgive myself for and when Brandon told us what you went through last night, I realized just how much we’d let you down.  You’re my daughter, Mandy.  My baby girl,” he said, his voice cracking and the tears barely stayed contained. “And I just threw you away without any regard.  I’m sorry, honey.  So, so sorry.” He blinked and the tears fell.  It was the first time in my life I could recall ever seeing my father cry.

“I’m sorry for disappointing you,” I said.

“You’re not a disappointment,” he said quickly. “You have the kindest heart of anyone I’ve ever known.  You are the farthest thing from a disappointment.” He stood up then, walking the few feet that separated us and then pulled me to my feet, hugging me tightly, with more love than I’d ever felt from him. “I love you, Mandy and I’m so sorry for the way I treated you.  Can you ever forgive me?”

“I forgive you, Dad,” I whispered and we just stayed in each other’s arms for a few moments before I felt my mom’s hand on my back and I turned to her.

“I’m sorry too, honey,” she said, pulling me to her.

The door opened then and we all turned to see Brandon walking in, stopping the moment he saw my parents.  His face was a mix of emotions, but I could tell by the way his jaw clinched, he wasn’t happy to see my mom and dad in our living room. 

“Hey,” he said gruffly, his eyes darting to my parents briefly before looking at me again. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” I nodded. “My parents told me you stopped by to see them this morning.”

“I did.  I thought they needed to know their daughter was in the hospital.”

His sarcasm was thick and I knew he was still angry at my parents.  I think he half-expected me to be angry with him for telling them what happened, but I wasn’t.  He’d only done it because he cared about me and obviously what he said had worked.

“Thank you, Brandon,” my dad said, stepping towards my boyfriend and holding his hand out.  Brandon stared down at it for a second, a confused expression on his face before he took it hesitantly, shaking it hard. “Thank you for taking care of Mandy when we didn’t.”

“I love your daughter, sir,” he said, looking my dad square in the eye. “I just want her to be happy.”

“I know you do, son.  There’s not a doubt in my mind about that.”

The room was quiet for a few moments until my mom spoke.

“I’m not telling you to come home, Mandy, but I want you to know you’re welcome to come home…we want you to come home.”

“Thank you,” I said and when I looked over at Brandon, I could see the worry on his face.  He was worried I was going to leave our little place and return to the comforts of the only home I’d ever known, but he had nothing to worry about.  I’d never felt more at home than I did with him. “But I am home,” I said, the corners of my mouth turned into a subtle smile as I looked at Brandon and I saw his mouth curl up too.

My mom just nodded.  I had a feeling she wouldn’t say anything more about it.  Boundaries had been set now.  My whole life my parents had called the shots, but I was my own person now and they knew my heart belonged to Brandon and this is where I belonged.

“There’s something I need to tell you,” I said, suddenly emboldened and no longer afraid of my parents. 

Brandon took my hand and then we all sat down, an awkward silence filling the room while my mom and dad looked at me, waiting for me to speak.

“I think you should know that…that I’ve decided…I’ve decided to give the baby up for adoption.  I have an appointment with an adoption counselor next week.”

The room grew even quieter if that was possible.  I saw my parents’ mouths drop a little as they tried to process my words.

“Are you sure?” my mom asked softly and I nodded.

“I am.  The baby deserves more than I can give it right now,” I said, praying they wouldn’t ask me to change my mind.  It’d been the hardest decision I’d ever made and my parents had been no part of it.  They’d wanted nothing to do with me, so I made my decision based on what was best for the baby and for me.  I couldn’t have them making me second guess myself now.

“Can we come with you?   To the appointment with the counselor?” my mom asked nervously and it didn’t take me long to decide on my answer.  My parents were sorry.  I’d never seen them more regretful.  I couldn’t keep punishing them for the past, even if their words and actions still stung and probably would for a long time to come. 

“Yeah, you can come.  I’d like it actually,” I said and I felt Brandon’s other hand cup the top of my hand that he’d already been holding.  He inched closer to me, offering me the safety and protection he’d been giving me from the moment he came back into my life.  He’d helped me find the strength that had been hiding inside of me and I knew my parents saw me differently now. 

~~~

“Are you mad at me?”

I was tucked back in bed and Brandon was lying beside me.  My parents hadn’t stayed long, but when they left, I knew things would be different.  They wouldn’t be perfect and it would take time for me to completely forgive them and for them to accept the choices I’d made in my life, but I loved them and they loved me and something told me our relationship would be different now…a good different and I was glad they’d be coming with me when I went to see the adoption counselor. 

“Why would I be mad at you?” I asked him, turning on my side and staring up at him.  He was looking across the room, staring off into nothing.

“I thought you might be upset I told your parents.” He pulled his eyes to mine and he looked anxious.

“I’m not upset,” I told him, reaching up and brushing my palm against his cheek. “It actually turned out okay, don’t you think?” He nodded, but he still looked a little worried.

“I’m just glad they finally realized what assholes they were being,” he mumbled and I laughed a little.

“What’d you say to them anyway?” I asked curiously.

“Does it matter?”

“Well…yeah, it does,” I said, adjusting my body so I was laying my head on his chest. “My parents have never apologized for anything.  I’m just curious what you said to make them change their minds so abruptly.”

“I don’t think it took much actually.  I just told them the truth.  I told them what had happened and when they learned you were in the hospital, I could see it in their faces.  They knew the way they’d treated you was wrong,” he said, brushing his fingers through my hair and pausing for a moment. “I told them they didn’t deserve you.”

“You said that?” I asked softly.

“I did…because it’s true and they know it’s true.”

I didn’t say anything for a few moments.  I just continued lying on his chest, taking in the warmth that was him, so grateful to have him beside me in more ways than one.

“That took a lot of guts…standing up to my dad.  I don’t think anyone ever has.”

“I had to.”

“Were you scared?” I asked and I felt his chest shake in a quiet laugh.

“A little,” he said, but then kissed the top of my head. “But you’re worth it.”

“Thank you, Brandon,” I whispered, but he didn’t say anything back for a while. 

“I was actually more afraid when they told you you could go home,” he finally said and I pushed myself up so I was looking into his eyes.

“Why?”

“Because I thought you’d go.”

I frowned for a moment, saddened that he’d ever doubted me, but then I smiled, inching closer and brushing my lips against his.

“You don’t have to worry about that.  I’m not going anywhere.  My home is with you.”

He smiled back at me sweetly, relief washing over his face as he tickled my cheekbones with his fingers and pulled me to him.  I settled into his embrace, hoping his arms would always be around me.  The last few weeks had been the hardest of my life, but luckily it’d come after some of the best times of my life.  I’d never experienced anything like falling in love with Brandon and it was only because of him that I’d been able to get through everything with any ounce of sanity.  He’d always been in my life, but I felt like I’d only just gotten to know him.  Maybe we’d been too different when we were younger…maybe we’d needed to grow up…but maybe now we were just what we needed.