Finding Home (22 page)

“What the hell?” Jesse laughed, turning to me. “What have you done to my best friend?  I thought he was gonna propose there for a second.”

I couldn’t say anything because I couldn’t take my eyes off of Brandon.  A gentle piano came through the speakers and I immediately recognized the Rascal Flatts tune and I started choking up even before Brandon’s smooth voice cut through the room.

“
It’s like a storm, that cuts a path, and breaks your will, it feels like that. You think you’re lost, but you’re not lost on your own, you’re not alone. I will stand by you.  I will help you through.  When you’ve done all you can do, and you can’t cope, I will dry your eyes, I will fight your fight. I will hold you tight and I won’t let go
.”

My hand was over my mouth in disbelief and my eyes were burning by the end of the first chorus.  I knew if I blinked, tears would spill down my face and once they started falling, I knew they wouldn’t stop.  My heart was pounding as he sang the words and he couldn’t have picked a more perfect song.  If there were any doubts that he’d be there for me, they were gone now.  He brought his eyes to mine and like a seasoned performer, he started walking across the stage, getting as close to our table as possible as he began the second verse. 

“
It hurts my heart to see you cry, I know it’s dark, this part of life, it finds us all, we’re too small to stop the rain oh but when it rains, I will stand by you, I will help you through, when you’ve done all you can do and you can’t cope, I will dry your eyes, I will fight your fight, I will hold you tight and I won’t let you fall.
”

I was a goner then as he got to the climax of the song.  As he continued singing, the lump in my throat was on fire and I finally blinked, the tears spilling out and I grabbed for a napkin, wiping them away.  I thought Riley and Jesse would be staring at me, but they couldn’t take their eyes off of Brandon.  That was the case for everyone in the room though.  It felt more like being at a concert than at karaoke night in a crappy bar.  When the song faded, I was a mess.  My face was bright red and I knew my mascara was streaking down my cheeks.  My nose was running and I wouldn’t be able to speak if I tried.  It was quiet for a second after Brandon stopped singing.  I think everyone was trying to digest the emotionality of the performance, but then they started cheering and I expected Brandon to take some cocky bow, he didn’t.  Instead, he hopped off the stage and came right to me, taking my hand and pulling me to my feet as he wrapped his arms around me and I just sobbed into his chest, not caring that everyone was probably staring at us. 

“Too much?” he said into my ear as he held me, but I shook my head. “Are you mad at me?”

“Not mad,” I managed to get out as I clung to him. “I love you so much, Brandon.”

He just kissed me on the top of the head.  He didn’t need to say he loved me back.  He didn’t need to say he loved me ever again after that performance on the stage. 

“Are you okay?” he asked me and I just nodded, but then pulled back, looking up at him.

“Yeah,” I said softly and he leaned down, kissing me gently before he pulled out my chair for me and we sat down again.  He scooted his chair next to mine and held my hand.

“Well,” Jesse said, taking a drink and then grinning over to us. “Thanks for making it impossible for the rest of us now.  Sorry, Riley.  I love you, but I can’t top that.”

We all just started laughing and Riley leaned in, kissing him full on the mouth.

“No need to top that.  I already love you,” she said to him and the way they looked at each other made me smile. 

By this time, a girl had taken the stage and although she couldn’t come close to Brandon, her voice was sweet and more importantly, tolerable. 

“You’ve actually got a pretty amazing voice, Brandon,” Riley pointed out and I noticed a slight flush on his cheeks.  I loved when he was vulnerable because it rarely happened. 

“Yeah, you do.  How’d you keep that hidden all this time?” Jesse asked, but Brandon just grinned and took a drink. 

“That was probably the most romantic thing I’ve ever seen,” Riley said and Brandon set his drink down.

“You must’ve forgotten how Jesse boy here followed you all the way to Boston to get you back,” Brandon said.

“I could never forget that,” Riley said, her eyes drifting over to me, and I remembered back to when I learned the real reason why Jesse had flown to Boston for Riley.  I remembered wishing I had someone that loved me like that.  I never thought I would, but I knew I did now and he was sitting right next to me. 

~~~

When we finally had enough of the karaoke, we decided to head out to Slate Creek.  It was a typical summer night and a few cars were sprinkled along the edge of the water.  We found a spot near the water and we got out.  Jesse rolled down the windows though and left the music on so the sounds of Little Big Town were flowing softly in the air as we made our way down to the water’s edge. 

I sat beside Brandon and Riley and Jesse sat close together a few feet from us. 

“I haven’t been down here since before I left Carver,” Jesse said. “Remember all the time we spent here in high school?”

“Yeah,” Brandon said. “We had nothing better to do in this shitty town.” Brandon and Jesse along with me started laughing, but Riley just cracked an awkward smile.  She’d arrived in Carver during our senior year so she wasn’t privy to our memories.  We hadn’t spent a lot of time at Slate Creek that year.  We’d mostly hung out at Jesse’s place, but it was nice being back at the place we’d been to so much growing up. 

“I’m glad to be back in this shitty town,” Jesse spoke up.

“Me too,” Brandon said and then he put his arm around me, pulling me close.  I could tell Jesse had done the same to Riley and for a few minutes, we just sat in silence, staring out at the dark water.  It felt good sitting here with my friends.  It felt right and I knew at that moment, I had to tell them.  I couldn’t keep living this secret, afraid of saying something that would make them suspicious, afraid of slipping up, afraid of telling them lies.  I’d already lied to them when they’d asked how everything was and I’d said it was fine.  Things weren’t fine.  I was facing the biggest trial of my life and I’d need them.  I’d need them more than I ever had. 

“I’m pregnant,” I said quietly before I lost my nerve and I felt Brandon’s body stiffen beside me and his head jerked around, our eyes meeting.  His eyebrows were creased in concern, but I just smiled at him, hoping the tears would stay away.  I could already feel the burning lump forming in my throat, which would make this discussion even harder by adding blubbering tears to the mix.

“What’d you say, Mandy?” Riley asked and I could tell by the nonchalance in her voice that she was asking me to repeat myself because she hadn’t heard me, not because she couldn’t believe what she’d heard. 

“I’m pregnant,” I repeated, finding strength in my voice so I spoke in a level I knew they’d hear and I knew they’d heard based on the stunned silence that followed my proclamation. 

I was afraid to look at them, to see their faces, so I just stared down at the ground for a few moments while Brandon’s arm remained around me, until I finally raised my eyes and turned in their direction.  Both of their eyes were wide and their mouths were open as if they were trying to piece together something to say, but couldn’t get the words out.  My eyes locked on Jesse’s for a few seconds before moving to Riley’s.  I could tell she was struggling with what she should say to me.  She didn’t know if she should say congratulations or I’m sorry.

“Are you serious?” she finally asked in a voice so quiet I almost didn’t hear her and I nodded. “How far along?”

“I’m not quite sure.  I think about eleven weeks,” I said and then my voice cracked as I stared back down at the ground as a tear fell down my cheek.  I watched as Riley quickly got to her feet and sat down so I was between her and Brandon.  I felt her arm wrap around me and when I looked up, Jesse was sitting in front of me.  I’d felt so alone when I found out, but as I sat surrounded by my best friends, I knew I wasn’t alone.  I knew they loved me.  I knew they’d support me, but for some reason, I just bowed my head and started to sob.

“Oh, Mandy,” Riley said as she held me tighter, but I just kept crying. “It’s gonna be okay.” Shay and Brandon had said those same words and now Riley was too.  I knew it would be okay, it was just hard to see how it was going to be okay. “You and Brandon are gonna be amazing parents and we’ll be here for you too.  It’ll be…” But her voice faded as she looked at me, obviously seeing the way my mouth was turning down into a frown. 

“Um…” Brandon said in a low voice. “The baby’s not mine.”

It grew silent again and I could feel Riley’s grip on me loosen a little. 

“Who is the father?” she asked softly, but I could tell by her tone she already knew.

“Derek,” I mumbled.

“Does he know?” Jesse asked and I looked up, meeting his gray eyes and I nodded.

“He wants me to have an abortion.  He wants nothing to do with me,” I said, wiping my tears away with my sleeve. 

“You don’t need him.  You’ve got us,” Jesse said without missing a beat, taking my hands.

“I know,” I said softly and then I turned to Brandon who looked like a mess of emotions.  I knew he hated seeing me so sad and afraid and I knew he hated thinking of Derek and me together. 

“She knows that,” Brandon said, kissing me sweetly and I smiled at him before looking back at Riley and Jesse.  They knew I was pregnant, but they didn’t know what I planned to do.

“I know you’ll be here for me and thank you for that.  Seriously…you guys are the best friends anyone could ever have, so I…I have to tell you,” I said nervously, taking in a deep breath as I stared down at the ground again, afraid to look at them when I said it for fear of their reaction. “I have to tell you that…I’ve decided…I’m giving the baby up for adoption.” The all too familiar silence set in again and I couldn’t look up. “I can’t provide for a baby right now and I want this baby to have everything and I can’t give it everything.” My voice was rambling, but I felt like I had to justify my reasoning. 

“Mandy,” Riley’s soft voice cut in and I finally was able to bring my eyes up and look at her. “You don’t owe us any explanation.  This is your baby and you can do whatever you want.  We’ll support you, no matter what.”

“We will, Mandy,” Jesse interjected quickly and I looked up, meeting his eyes. “I know I’ve been gone for a while, but I’m here now.  We’re all here.”  

It was quiet for a few moments and I couldn’t think of what I should say to them.

“Are you okay?  I mean, how’re you feeling?” Riley finally asked.

“I’m okay.  I feel fine.”

“Have you told your parents?” she asked me and I shook my head.

“We’ll be there for that to…I mean, if you want us to,” Riley said and her offer made me smile because she knew how my parents were.  They all knew and they knew telling my parents was what I probably feared the most about this whole situation.

“Thank you,” I said. “I love you guys…so much.” But before I could say anything else, they’d swarmed me in a group hug, surrounding me with the best people I’d ever known and in that moment, I found the first bits of strength to finally tell my parents. 

Twenty-Four

“Are you sure you wanna do this now?” Brandon asked when he pulled up in front of my house. 

“I have to do it now,” I said, glancing up to the lights that were illuminating the living room, surprised that my parents were even still awake.  It was almost eleven o’clock and my parents rarely stayed up that late.  I took it as a sign that this was supposed to happen now.

“We can wait till tomorrow,” Brandon continued, but I quickly turned my head from the front of the house back to him.

“No.  I can’t wait.  If I don’t do it now, I may not get the nerve again,” I said and then I was quiet for a second before taking his hand. “You don’t have to come with me.  This isn’t your responsibility.”

“I’m not sending you in there alone.”

I knew nothing I said would change his mind.  He’d be there when I told them, no matter what and as I looked up into his blue eyes, I was so glad I didn’t have to do this alone.

“I love you,” I said, but he just smiled and kissed me, a slow lingering kiss that rushed throughout my entire body.

“I love you,” he said when he pulled back.

I knew I was holding Brandon’s hand too hard as we approached the front door and when we got to it, my heart started pounding even more as I reached for the doorknob, but then I felt Brandon’s hand on my arm and I stopped.  He turned my body to face him and the first thing I noticed was the look in his eyes.  There was a calm in them that I knew he was trying to put into me as he cupped my cheek with his palm.

“You can do this,” he said gently. “And no matter what happens, I’m here.  You know that, right?”

I felt my eyes grow warm, but I knew I couldn’t cry.

“I know.  Thank you, Brandon.” He didn’t say anything.  He just kissed me on the forehead and I took a deep breath, taking his hand and opening the door. 

I could hear the TV when we walked in and I hesitated when I heard Brandon close the door.  My heart was racing and I thought I might throw up from nerves. 

“You okay?” Brandon asked quietly and I just nodded at him, taking a nervous step towards my parents. 

It looked as if they were getting ready to call it a night.  The credits were rolling on the TV screen and they were both sitting in their pajamas.  They must’ve heard us come in though because they both turned to look at us.  I knew they must’ve sensed something was wrong by the way they looked at me.  They’d both had smiles when they first saw Brandon and I standing there, but I knew no matter how hard I tried, my face was my downfall and when their smiles seemed to dampen a little, I knew they knew something was up, especially since Brandon was standing beside me this late at night, gripping my hand.

“Can I talk to you guys for a sec?” I asked and I could hear the wavering in my voice.

“Of course,” my dad said and I went and took a seat on the couch, next to my mom and Brandon sat beside me.  “Is everything okay?”

“That depends on how you wanna look at it,” I mumbled, wondering if I should stop looking at this situation as if it was the worst thing that could happen to me. 

“What is it, honey?” my mom asked and my eyes drifted to Brandon again, looking to him for the strength I didn’t think I had.

“You can do this,” he whispered, giving me an encouraging smile and I tried to smile back, but I couldn’t do it. I was too anxious.  Instead, I just nodded, squeezed his hand and looked back at my parents. 

“Mom.  Dad,” I said, looking each of them in the eyes and I could tell they were starting to get nervous.  I couldn’t do this to them any longer.  They knew something was wrong and I couldn’t string them along. “My biggest fear my whole life has been that I would disappoint you.”  I tried to have a strong voice, but it wasn’t.  It was timid and weak and afraid, but at least it was audible.  I took another breath, ready to tell them, but my eyes started to burn and when I blinked, I started to cry.  I looked at my parents through the tears and the way they were looking at me frightened me.  “I never ever wanted to disappoint you…but I know I have.” I took a deep breath and then opened my mouth again to say the words I was dreading the most. “I’m pregnant.”

You could’ve heard a pin drop with the silence that settled over the room and I wasn’t able to look at them, but Brandon’s grip only grew stronger. 

“What did you say?” My dad’s voice was deep and angry and I’d never heard a tone like it before.  I found the strength to raise my eyes to his and they were wide and furious. 

“I said I’m having a baby.” I wondered if he had heard me with how quiet my voice was, but I knew he’d heard me when he jumped up from his chair, towering above me.  I felt Brandon move even closer to me and his grip grew tighter.  He knew I was afraid and I think he was a little afraid too.  My dad just stared at me, his glare tearing through me and I felt a tear streak down my face as I met his angry eyes.  They stayed locked for a few seconds before his eyes darted over to Brandon and he looked even more furious.

“How.  Dare.  You.”  My father’s voice was a slow, deep growl as he said each word and I felt my stomach drop when I realized what he was implying. “You come into my house.  You disrespected me and my daughter.  I trusted you.  Get out of my house.” His voice was deep, but disturbingly composed, like the calm before the storm. 

“Mr. Dalton…” Brandon stammered, but his grip on my hand never faltered. 

“You’d be wise to keep your mouth shut and not say another word,” he said, continuing to scowl at Brandon.

“Mr. Dalton, please…” Brandon continued and I knew I needed to say something, but I’d lost my voice.  It felt as if someone was strangling me.

“Get out of my house!” My dad’s bellowing voice echoed through the room and then before I could stop him, my father had grabbed a hold of Brandon’s shirt collar and was pulling him up, forcing him to let go of my  hand.

“Dad!  Don’t!” I yelled, jumping up and grabbing onto Brandon’s arm. “Leave him alone!  He didn’t do this!  He’s not the father!”

I watched as my dad froze, his confused eyes leaving Brandon’s face and meeting mine.  The grip loosened on Brandon’s shirt and then he let go.  Brandon straightened his shirt and then took my hand again. 

“What?” My dad gasped and then I heard a sniffle from beside me and I glanced over to my mom.  She was dabbing her eyes with a tissue.  She hadn’t said a word since I told them and my father looked as if he was ready to kill someone.

“Brandon’s not the father,” I repeated quietly. “Derek is.”

“Derek?  That no good piece of trash?” My dad’s face was curled up in disgust and all I could was nod. “I knew that boy was trouble,” my dad mumbled almost to himself and I thought he might be cooling off.  I was wrong.

I heard Shay bounding down the stairs and I looked over to where she was standing on the last step, just staring at me, looking helpless.

“Miranda Jean.” His voice was even lower and scarier as he stared at me and I was terrified of what he was going to say next. “You need to go.”

“Daddy, no!”  Shay called out and she came running to my side.

“This is not your business, Shay.  Go back upstairs,” he told her, but she didn’t move.

“You can’t kick her out, Dad!”

“Keep quiet, Shay.” My dad’s voice was deep and almost calm now, but he stared at my sister with a warning look.  “Your sister’s obviously a grown woman.  She makes her own choices.  And those choices are not welcome in this house.”

“You can’t do this, Dad!  Where’s she gonna go?  Mom!  Say something!” Shay looked over pleadingly at my mom, but she kept quiet.  She couldn’t even look at me. “You guys are unbelievable!”

“Get upstairs, Shay!” my dad shouted and I turned to my sister who was still beside me with tears in my eyes. 

“Just go,” I whispered to her and we both knew she couldn’t say anything else.  She could do nothing else to help me, but I loved her so much for trying. “Thank you, Shay.”

She just grabbed me for a second, hugging me hard and then she ran up the stairs and then there was icy silence again where I stood.

“I’m sorry,” I said softly. “All I ever wanted was for you to be proud of me.  I’m sorry I let you down.”

I wiped my eyes and waited for his response and then looked over to my mom who still couldn’t look at me. 

“You have no idea how you’ve let me down.”

Words had never hurt so much and I knew there was nothing left to say.  Even if my dad changed his mind and said I could stay, I couldn’t stay.  I couldn’t stay where the people who were supposed to love me the most in this world could hurt me so badly.

“C’mon, Mandy.” Brandon gently tugged my arm and we took a few steps towards the front door, but then he stopped and slowly turned around to look back at my parents. “Mr. and Mrs. Dalton,” he said with a tone I’d not heard from him before.  It was demanding and strong and I saw he was staring my father right in the eyes.  “Your daughter…she is the most thoughtful, the most caring person I’ve ever met.  All she cares about is making sure other people are happy.  She never even gives herself a second thought.  She doesn’t ask for anything in return either.  You have an amazing daughter and you’re willing to throw her away because she did something you don’t approve of.  You call yourself a man of God, but what you’re doing…well…that’s hardly Christ-like.”

“Don’t you come into my house and judge me, boy!”

“It’s not up to me to judge anyone,” Brandon sneered at my father and then he put his arm around me, leading me out of my house and I wondered if I’d ever step foot inside of it again.