Finding Home (17 page)

His face contorted up in confusion again and he took a few steps toward me, but then stopped suddenly when he saw the look on my face.

“What’re you saying, Mandy?”

“You know what I’m saying.  Please don’t make me say it.”

“Then don’t say it,” he said, coming toward me again and he didn’t stop this time until he was just inches away from me, his hands twisted in my hair as he gripped my neck, pulling my face to his.  He rested his forehead against mine and our lips were only inches apart.  He was breathing fast and nervous. “Don’t say it.” His voice was low and gruff and then he kissed me, hard and deep and I started crying because I didn’t want to say the words.

“This isn’t your responsibility, Brandon,” I said, finally gathering the strength to push away from his kiss that was permeating every cell in my body. “You need to focus on you right now.”

“And I need you to be able to do that.  You know that,” he said, his voice deep and adamant. “Dammit, Mandy!  I let you in.  You’re the only person I let in.  I need you, Mandy Dalton, and you need me.  You know you do!”

Of course I needed him, but I also knew this was something I had to do on my own.

“What I need is to figure out what I’m gonna do and do it and this doesn’t include you, Brandon.” I was trying to sound strong so he wouldn’t try and argue with me anymore. “I’m not as important to you as you think I am.  You’ll see that.”

“Like hell I will,” he said, finally pushing away from me.

“I got myself into this mess.  I’ll get myself out.”

“So this is it then?” he scoffed, throwing his hands up and I nodded. “After sixteen years, you’re just cutting me out of your life?”

“We should never have gotten involved like this in the first place.  We should’ve just left everything the way it was.  I knew it would mess everything up.”

“Nothing could be the way it was when I got home.  Never…not after I saw you again and finally realized what you’ve meant to me all these years…what I’ve missing out on all this time.  My time with you has been some of the best times in my life.  I thought you felt the same way.  I guess I was wrong,” he said and I hated the way his eyes bored into mine. “I would’ve been here for you, Mandy.  I’m not like Derek.” He sighed, looking away for a second before bringing his eyes back to mine. “I love you, Mandy.  I.  Love.  You.  Please don’t do this.”

The tears were falling freely down my cheeks now and I just bit my lip trying to keep myself from collapsing into an all-out sob again.

“Please don’t make this any harder,” I managed to say. “Please.  Just go.”

He stared hard at me and he looked angry.  He looked pissed.  He looked betrayed.  And then he was gone, turning and walking to the front door, flinging the screen door open so hard I was afraid it had come off its hinges.  The tires of his truck squealed a moment later and I looked out the window, watching it disappear.  I just stood there, staring out and wishing he’d come back.  What had I done? 

I felt an arm around me then and I turned to see Shay beside me. 

“I’m sorry, Mandy.”

“It’s my own fault.”

“He loves you.  You didn’t have to do that.”

“Yes, I did,” I said softly, turning and walking back to the kitchen to finish the cookies. 

Nineteen

I don’t think I slept that night.  I thought of Brandon though.  I wondered if he was having one of his nightmares and I wondered if he was okay.  I thought about the look on his face when I sent him away.  I thought of his voice and the way it sounded when he told me loved me.  No guy had ever told me they loved me before, but Brandon had said it.  He loved me and now he was gone and I wondered if I’d made a mistake.  He hadn’t gone running when I told him my secret.  He hadn’t judged me.  He hadn’t uttered one unkind word to me.  He’d wrapped me in his arms and let me cry, telling me everything was going to be okay, and I’d sent him away.

I went to work the next morning and even offered to work a double since I didn’t want to go home.  I half-expected Brandon to come by or text or something, but my phone was quiet except for one text that came in during my dinner break and  my stomach turned the second I saw who it was from.  Derek.  I’d nervously opened it, only to find a text that shouldn’t have surprised me. 

DEREK:
HAVE YOU TAKEN CARE OF IT YET?

I didn’t bother responding.  Instead, I bit back the tears and proceeded to block his number and then deleted him from my contacts.  No matter what I decided, one thing I knew for sure was that Derek wasn’t going to be any part of it. 

It was almost ten o’clock when I left the diner and I wondered if it was wise for a pregnant woman to be on her feet for almost twelve hours straight.  I was tired, I was scared and I just wanted to get some sleep. 

I walked towards my beat up old Honda, struggling with the lock again, but I finally got the door open, climbed in and fastened my seatbelt.  I was just about to start the car when a banging on the window caused me to shout out and clutch my chest in fear.  My heart was pounding and I whipped my head around to see what was happening. 

I felt sick to my stomach when I saw Derek’s scowl.  His face was just inches from the driver’s side window and he looked pissed.  I just sat in the seat frozen, unable to move.  I saw his palm on the window a second later, pounding on it again.

“Open up, Mandy!” The barrier of the glass made his voice sound as if it were in a tunnel, but there was no mistaking the anger in it. 

“Leave me alone, Derek!” I managed to shout back, but he didn’t leave me alone.

“We need to talk!” he shouted at me and even though his voice was muffled from the glass that separated us, it still sounded terrifying. 

“There’s nothing to talk about!”

He stepped back for second and he paced for a few moments before he disappeared around the car.  My heart was beating even faster now as I struggled with the keys, my shaky hands making it nearly impossible to insert the key into the ignition.  Just as I finally got it in, I felt warm air come rushing into the car and I turned to see the passenger door open and Derek looking in at me.

“Shut the door, Derek,” I said, not shouting this time, hoping if I calmed down, he would too.

“I texted you tonight.  I never heard back.”

“I was working.  I don’t have time for this.”

“Well…have you?” he demanded.

“Have I what?” I asked, even though I knew exactly what he was talking about.

“Don’t play stupid.  Have you taken care of it?”

“I’m not talking to you about this right now.  Shut the door!”

He sighed heavily and looked off to the side for a moment before he turned back to me with cold eyes.

“Take care of it,” he said, his voice sounding more like a deep growl. “The next time we talk, this shit’d better be taken care of.  I fuckin’ mean it, Mandy.  I want it done.” The tenor of his voice was surprisingly calm, but there was no mistaking the threat in his tone.

The door slammed then and I just sat there, watching as Derek disappeared into the darkness. I was gripping the steering wheel and I didn’t realize I was shaking until I looked at my arms and saw them quivering.  My heart hadn’t slowed down at all and I don’t know how long I sat there, trying to calm myself.  Eventually though, I turned the car on and slowly made my way home, doing my best to put the confrontation with Derek to the back of my mind.

Shay was sleeping over at a friend’s house when I got home and my parents were already in bed.  I did my obligatory check in with them and then went straight to the bathroom to take a shower to get rid of the grease that felt like it was coating my skin.  I brushed my teeth when I was done and then crawled straight to bed.  I still couldn’t shake the encounter with Derek and I wondered if I’d be able to get my mind to calm down so I could actually get some sleep.  I hadn’t slept the night before and I desperately needed it.  Somehow though, I was able to get past the run in with Derek for the time being and I slept like a rock the second my head hit the pillow. 

I slept in till almost nine.  I thought about Derek the moment I woke up and how angry he’d sounded.  If I was being truthful, he’d scared me and part of me feared what he’d do if I didn’t do what he said.  I couldn’t deal with that now though.  I just needed to get away.  I grabbed some breakfast and headed out to my car.  It felt like I hadn’t said more than ten words to my parents since finding out I was pregnant, but I didn’t care.  It was better that way.  I still hadn’t given any thought to how I was going to handle them. I had to figure out what I was going to do with myself first.

I was just about to get in my car when I saw Shay pull up.  I thought about just driving away, but she waved to me and I decided to wait.

“Where’re you going?” she asked once she’d parked the car.

“Out.”

“Just out?” she asked skeptically.

“Yeah.  I can’t stay here.”

“Want some company?”

“Thanks, Shay, but no.  I think I’m just gonna head to Slate Creek and do some reading or something.  At least I can work on my tan, right?” I tried laughing, but Shay didn’t crack a smile.

“You can’t avoid this forever, Mandy.” I found it funny how my little sister was giving me life lessons when she had barely lived.

“I know, Shay,” I sighed softly.  I wasn’t mad at my sister because I knew she was right. “I just need a little more time to try and figure this out.”

I saw the corners of Shay’s mouth turn down and she nodded.

“Okay.  Let me know if you need anything.”

“I will.  Thanks.”

She rested her hand on my arm for a second and I hated the look of pity on her face.  At least she cared and I had never been so grateful for my sister than I had been over the past couple of days. 

I got in the car and swung by Bram’s on my way to Slate Creek.  I picked up a cinnamon roll and an apple juice and then made my way to the park.  I found myself parking in the same spot that Brandon and I had and I sat in the car for a few minutes before stepping out.  Luckily it wasn’t horribly hot.  My hideout wouldn’t be bearable for very long otherwise.  I found an oak tree near the edge of the creek and sat down with my back against the trunk.  It was scratchy and uncomfortable, but I didn’t care.  I just stretched my legs out before me and closed my eyes for a few minutes before I pulled my Kindle out of my bag and started reading while I snacked on my cinnamon roll and juice. 

I finished the book I’d been working on for the past couple of weeks, a fantasy love story that was completely impossible, but did an excellent job of allowing me to escape for a while and forget about everything.  I immediately downloaded the sequel and began reading.

“Mandy?”

I’d know his voice anywhere and I froze when I heard it.  My Kindle lowered into my lap, but I couldn’t turn and face him. 

“How’d you know I was here?” I asked softly and I heard his feet scrape against the ground until I could see his shadow overtake me.  He was beside me a second later, sitting next to me, but not close like I wanted.  He kept a safe distance between us because I’d made it clear that’s what I wanted. 

“Your sister.  I stopped by your house.  She told me I might find you here.”

“You shouldn’t have come, Brandon,” I said, finally turning my head to look at him.  He was staring out into the creek, looking nervous, but when he tore his gaze away from the water and focused on me, there was determination on his face.

“Did you really think I was going to let you go through this alone?” he asked and I just shrugged my shoulders. “Did you think I’d go away so easily?”

“No, I was hoping you would though.”

“You obviously haven’t gotten to know me as well as I thought you had over the last sixteen years then,” he said with a light laugh and when I didn’t laugh too it grew quiet for a few moments before I spoke. 

“It’s not your problem though.”

“It may not be, but I’m making it my problem because I care about you, Mandy, and even if you don’t wanna be with me anymore, I’m your friend…have been almost my whole life and I’m not leaving you to do this alone.” I swallowed hard as a tear escaped my eye, quickly wiping it away as he cautiously took my hand. “You hurt me, Mandy.  It hurt bad…pushing me away…having you think I wasn’t going to be here for you, because I thought you knew me better than that.  I’ve been an asshole over the years, but…” he said, kissing the back of my hand and holding it tightly as he moved closer to me, closing some of the gap between us, but not completely. “But, since I’ve been back…since I fell in love with you…how could you think I wouldn’t support you?”

I took a deep breath, wiping another tear away before I found my voice to speak.

“Because you shouldn’t have to.  You’re already going through so much in your life…trying to work through everything you’re dealing with and I can’t expect you to risk anything to take care of me.”

“You took care of me, Mandy.  You were the only one I wanted to take care of me and no…I’m not better.  I’m far from it, but without you, Mandy…I’ll never get better and…” he said, scooting his body so he was now sitting in front of me and there was nowhere for me to look, except for in his eyes.  “You know you need me too.  I’m not going away, Mandy.  You can tell me to leave or to get the hell out of your life, but I’ll keep coming back until you realize I’m right, so you might as well accept that right now.”

He smiled at me in the goofy way he used to growing up and I couldn’t help but smile back, feeling a little bit of hope, knowing he wasn’t giving up on me, knowing that I didn’t have to be alone if I let him in. 

“This isn’t your baby, Brandon.”

“I’m not asking to be a father.  I’m asking to support you in whatever decision you make.”

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a tissue and began wiping my tear stained face.

“I figured there might be some tears so I came prepared. I was a boy scout till I was ten, remember?” he said with a sweet smile.

“Of course I remember.  You used to wear that stupid uniform to school every Friday.” I started laughing and he did too. 

“You know I looked good in that neckerchief,” he grinned and I laughed again.

“I can’t believe you.  I can’t believe you’re in my life, Brandon.  I can’t believe you want anything to do with me after I did this to you.” 

“You didn’t do anything to me, Mandy.  Life happens.  Things happen we don’t plan on and we just have to deal with it and make the best of the situation.  I never thought this would happen to me,” he said, gesturing to his leg. “I didn’t think bad things happened to me, but I was wrong.  I was so damn wrong.”

I stared down at his leg, which he had covered with jeans once again and he was right.  No one expects to have to face challenges like this in their life, but when things happen, you have no choice but to make the best of the situation like Brandon said. 

“Thank you, Brandon.  Thank you for not giving up on me.”

“I’ll never give up on you, Mandy.” His body moved closer to me and when his lips met mine, I felt complete and for the first time since I found out, I thought maybe I could get through this.  “Please don’t push me away.”

My eyes met his again and when I looked into them, I knew he meant every word he said.  He didn’t feel sorry for me.  He didn’t pity me.  He just loved me. 

“I won’t push you away.  I don’t ever want you to go away,” I said softly and his hand curled into my hair, pulling me back to him, kissing me again so sweetly it brought more tears to my eyes and I wished I could stop time and live in this moment so I didn’t have to face the inevitable.  Time didn’t freeze though and when we pulled apart, I knew I had to tell him how I felt.  He’d already told me and he had to know I felt the same way. 

“Are you okay?” he asked and I nodded.

“If I had any doubt about my feelings for you…I don’t anymore.”  I took his hand with one of mine and rested the palm of my other one on his cheek. “I love who you are and I love how I feel when I’m with you. I love you, Brandon.”

A slow smile curled up on his lips.

“Tell me something I don’t know.” I started laughing and he pulled me to him again, kissing me and then encouraging me to turn my body so I was nestled against him, my back to his front with his arms around my waist.  He nuzzled his cheek against my hair while he held me as we both stared off into the creek and for that moment, I think we both forgot about what we were facing.  Brandon hadn’t lost his leg in war and I wasn’t pregnant.  We were just two people who’d somehow come together because we made each other better.  We were just two people who loved each other because no one else seemed to get us.  We were just two people who were simply in love and I would’ve given anything if it truly was that simple.