Frozen Hearts (Beyond Reality Book 3) (7 page)

He’d needed her more than anything he could remember ever needing before in his life. She was his. He wasn’t going to let her go. He couldn’t bring himself to apologize for the kiss, even if she hadn’t wanted it or initiated it. He’
d
neede
d
it.

“I dream I’m looking for her everywhere, but I can’t find her. I’m calling her name over and over and I know she’s there, but she’s not answering me. I’m in a hallway and trying to open all the doors. I know she’s behind one of them, but I don’t know which one. All the doors are locked and I’m just going up and down the hall trying to get into the rooms yelling for her. Finally I get to a room and the door is unlocked. I open it and she’s lying on the floor. Bloody and beaten. She opens her eyes and looks up at me. She says ‘Why didn’t you find me earlier?’ She blames me in my dream. It’s always the same. I never find her in time and she wants to know why.”

Kina tried to concentrate. Holy hell, their kiss had knocked her socks off. It was so hot. Jonathan hadn’t asked if it was okay, he hadn’t let her take the lead, he’d stolen the kiss, and she’d loved every second of it. He took itfrom her and she’d gladly let him. This man was hurting and needed her
.
He
r
. No one had ever needed her that badly before.

“You have to stop torturing yourself,” Kina whispered. “Becky and Dean wouldn’t want this for you. You said it yourself, she’s doing great. Yes, what she went through sucked, but she’s happy now. No one blames you, but yourself. You have to forgive yourself, Jonathan. Look at it this way. If the same thing happened today, would you do everything the same as you did then?” She didn’t even have to wait for him to answer. “No, you wouldn’t. Learn from what happened and move on. For your sake, for their sake,” her voice lowered even more, “for our sake, move on.”

Jonathan’s eyes opened and peered into her own. They were face to face. She saw the guilt burning in his eyes, but she also thought she saw hope. “I’ll try, Kina. I’ll try, but if I slip, I hope you’ll be there to help me up.”

Kina nodded. “I will, Jonathan. I will.”

It was enough, for now.

“I’m sorry about the kiss, hon.”

Kina smiled. This she could deal with. “I’m not.”

“You’re not?”

“How could I be? That was the hottest good morning kiss I’ve ever received. Hell, it was the hottest kiss I’ve ever received, period.” Kina loved to see the smile come over Jonathan’sface. Man he was hot, and for now, he was hers. She couldn’t help but tease him, glad they were getting back to their lighthearted banter. “But yo
u
di
d
say I could be in charge, remember?”

Jonathan smirked. He brought his hands up away from her body and clasped them together under his head in a relaxed pose. “By all means, take charge.” He challenged her, hoping like hell she’d take him up on it.

Kina looked down at the broad chest she’d been lying on. The sun had finally started making its way over the horizon and allowed just enough light to admire him with. His long hair was spread out over their makeshift pillow and the sweatshirt he was wearing was stretched tight over his abs and chest. She licked her lips. This was going to be fun.

“You’ll keep your arms there?” She asked innocently running one finger down the center of his chest toward his waistband. She swore she heard him growl.

“Careful hon, you might bite off more than you can chew.”

Kina laughed. “Oh, I think I can handle what you’ve got.” She bent down and nipped his chin. Yup, that was definitely a growl, but she was impressed with his control as he kept his hands clenched together under his head.

“Kiss me. God, please kiss me.” He bit out.

Kina couldn’t tease him anymore. She wanted Jonathan as much as he apparently wanted her. She leaned down and licked his bottom lip. Before he could do anything else she grabbed his lip with her teeth and pulled. That was it. His control was gone.

He sat up, grabbed her by the shoulders and spun her around in the small space. Kina found herself on her back with Jonathan leaning over her. He slammed his lips down on hers once again and they battled for control. Kina wasn’t going to passively lie there and let Jonathan do whatever he wanted. She let her hands wander while their tongues dueled and their teeth nipped and pulled at each other. She worked her way under the back of his sweatshirt and under his T-shirt and let her nails lightly scrape their way up his back as far as she could get them to go. She whimpered when Jonathan drew back from her mouth to stare down at her.

He didn’t say a word, but he flattened his hand and drew it down over her chest, over her breastbone, over her bellybutton to the button on her jeans. He didn’t unbutton it, but worked her T-shirt out of her pants and moved his hand underneath. God almighty. His hand was chilly from the morning air and she could feel the callouses covering the palm of his hand. He worked his way upward, never losing eye contact with her, until he reached her belly button. One finger swirled around it and lightly pressed in.

She couldn’t help it, the question just popped into her head and she couldn’t hold it back. “Would you rather have an innie or an outie?” She watched as Jonathan didn’t say anything, but smiled and dropped his lips back to hers.

As they kissed and continued to learn the contours of each other’s mouth, Jonathan’s hand moved upward again. He went as far up as the bottom of her bra then stopped, running his fingers over the underwire sensuously. Over and over, Jonathan’s fingers caressed the skin just under her bra. Goosebumps rose all over her skin and she could feel his grin as he felt them too. Her nipples were hard and she swore she could feel them ache.

Jonathan’s long hair was hanging around them and Kina imaged how it would feel to have his hair brushing over her bare chest, as he suckled at her breasts. Her breath came out in short choppy pants.

Kina dug her nails into Jonathan’s lower back a bit harder, not hard enough to break his skin, but enough to let him know she was loving what he was doing to her body and what sh
e
wante
d
him to do to her body.

Just as Jonathan’s hands started to skim over the cups of her bra they heard, “Good morning!” ring out from across the clearing. Damn.

Jonathan raised his head from hers and they both stilled. Kina couldn’t help but giggle. Jonathan shook his head and smiled down at Kina. “I did say last night, this wasn’t what I wanted to happen, but I can’t be sorry. You feel so good, hon. I can’t wait to get you alone.”

Kina slowly removed her hands from Jonathan’s skin soothing him where she’d dug her nails in and brought one hand up to his scruffy face. “I can’t wait either.”

Jonathan reluctantly slid his hands back down her belly and smoothed her T-shirt down. He cupped her cheeks in his and leaned down to give her a sweet kiss on the lips. “As much as I want to feel your heat surrounding me, we’ll take our time. You deserve to be wooed.”

“Wooed? Who says that?”

“I do,” answered Jonathan with a smile. “Now, how about we get this show on the road? Eddie would have our heads if we didn’t get the guys’ morning routine on film.”

Kina nodded. As much as she wanted to stay in this little tent with Jonathan all day, they had a job to do.

To give Roger and Darius credit, they didn’t say anything when Kina and Jonathan got out of the same tent that morning. Kina figured they were just too miserable to care what the camera operators were doing. Their shelter had held up through the night, but it wasn’t very much protection from the biting wind and the cold weather. They’d managed to keep the fire going throughout the night and it was blazing when Kina had finished brushing her teeth and using the little girls’ “tree.”

Kina had never liked keeping her distance from the contestants. It just seemed cold to watch people day in and day out and not talk to them. She’d tried to refrain from getting to know Sam, from the Australian reality show, but that didn’t last very long, especially after Sam had saved her life. The two of them had forged a close friendship that she treasured today. Kina hated what Eddie had done to her and Alex and was so glad they’d managed to end up together despite the underhanded tricks Eddie played on them both on the set and during the editing process.

While Kina knew she’d never be close to Darius and Roger like she was with Sam, she still made the effort. She wandered over to their fire and held her hands out. Even though she’d been snuggled up to Jonathan all night, the air this morning was chilly and the flames felt good on her fingers.

“What’s up for the day, gentlemen?” she asked politely.

“Trying to get that damn raft to float,” Roger answered for them both. “We’ve tried everything we can think of to get the darn thing to stay together when we put it on the lake, but the knots we’ve tied always come undone. Got any advice for us?” he asked hopefully.

Jonathan piped in before Kina could say anything. “Sorry guys, that one’s outside our expertise.”

Kina looked over at him. She hadn’t heard him come up behind her. She wasn’t sure if he’d answered because he thought she’d jump in to help the men or what. She relaxed when she saw him wink at her. Okay, then.

The day actually went by pretty quickly after they ate breakfast. Darius and Roger headed down to the lake and Kina and Jonathan spent the better part of the morning filming their trials, and sometimes heated discussions, on how to get the raft to be seaworthy.

They took a break for lunch a few hours later. Jonathan and Kina wandered a bit away from the men to eat, simply because they didn’t want to flaunt the fact that they had a nice well-rounded lunch, and the men only had the remains of their one MRE.

Jonathan found a flat rock in the sun and gestured for Kina to sit. He brought over their supplies and pulled out two oranges, bread, sliced turkey, slightly wilted lettuce, and two small bags of potato chips.

Kina peeled the oranges while Jonathan put together their sandwiches. Kina thought for what seemed the hundredth time, how well the two of them worked together. She hated to keep comparing Jonathan to Matt, but she couldn’t help it. Matt would’ve made her do everything while he glared at her in displeasure as she did it.

There were so many differences between the two men it wasn’t even fair to compare them. Jonathan had opened up to her that morning. He’d made himself vulnerable to her and shown her a side of himself she knew many people didn’t get to see. He felt deeply. Jonathan wasn’t the kind of man to let things go easily. On the surface he came across as a typical macho man who wanted to be in charge, but by his actions, he’d proven over and over to have hidden depths. 

Jonathan held out a sandwich to her. They sat and ate in companionable silence. The sandwiches tasted awesome. Kina wasn’t sure if it was because of where they were, but she knew she’d remember this little picnic for the rest of her life. Nothing with Jonathan was as she’d experienced before. So far she’d loved every second of her time spent with him. He was courteous and attentive, but not suffocating. He was also fun to be around.

“Would you rather have to eat nothing other than fruits or vegetables for the rest of your life, or only able to eat meat?”

Jonathan laughed. He loved the scenarios Kina could come up with. They always seemed appropriate to their circumstances. He noticed they’d both finished eating their sandwiches and had moved on to the oranges. He got a wicked idea.

Kina startled when Jonathan reached over and took her hand in his. He lifted it up to his mouth and put her index finger in his mouth and sucked the juice off. She could feel his tongue swirl around her knuckle sensuously. Gah. Two could play at that game.

She grabbed his hand that was holding hers and returned the gesture, only hers was much more suggestive of what she’d like to do to him later. She twirled her tongue around his finger and took the entire thing into her mouth down to the knuckle, then sucked hard. She watched, fascinated as his cheeks flushed, and his eyes dropped into slits. She probably shouldn’t poke the bear, but it was so much fun.

Jonathan tried to get himself under control. My God, this woman was dangerous. She was lucky he was a gentleman and wanted to take his time the first time he had her.

“I’ve never been with someone like you.”

Jonathan turned toward Kina and lifted his eyebrows. He’d wanted her to open up to him, but it wasn’t something that could be rushed. Kina had to do it on her own and at her own pace. He was floored when she not only opened herself up, but laid herself bare. He grasped her hand, offering silent support, while she continued talking.

“When I was growing up, I never knew my dad. My mom worked really hard to keep a roof over our heads and put food on the table. She was a good parent, but just not there much for me, emotionally. We moved around a lot, she was always trying to find a better job and more money, but unfortunately, that always seemed out of reach. When I was sixteen, she had a heart attack and died.”

“Where was your dad?”

“He wasn’t around. Mom never talked about him much, only to tell me that once he heard she was pregnant, he left. He didn’t want a kid and as far as I know he never even saw me.”

Jonathan heard the pain in her voice. “That’s his loss, Kina.”

She nodded, then continued. “I moved in with a friend of mine from school until I graduated. I had one boyfriend in high school. I thought we were good. I’d been planning on trying to get into the same college he was going to attend. One day, I heard through the grapevine at school, he’d been cheating on me. When I asked him about it he just shrugged and told me what we had was never serious. It was only a fling and he couldn’t believe I’d thought we were going to stay together. It hurt.”

Jonathan’s arm wrapped around her shoulders and pulled her into his side. Kina couldn’t get distracted now. She had to keep going. He’d opened up to her this morning, she could do the same. “Then I met Matt. He seemed to be everything I’d ever wanted. He wanted to take care of me and I wanted to be taken care of. My mom hadn’t done that great of a job at it and my high school boyfriend hadn’t wanted me either. At first it was great. He was paying all the bills; he drove me where I wanted to go. He did stuff I thought was courteous and helpful, like get my phone messages for me and answer my phone. After a while he got more and more ‘helpful.’ He wouldn’t let me go anywhere without him. I soon lost touch with any friends I did have in high school. He made himself the center of my world.

“He’d get crazy jealous whenever we went anywhere. If the guy bagging our groceries smiled at me, he’d threaten him. God forbid when we went out, if someone talked to me, he’d lose it. When we’d get home, he’d accuse me of leading men on. The sex became more and more scary. He’d hold me down and put his hand over my mouth to keep me quiet as he took me. He didn’t care about foreplay or making sure I wanted any of what he was doing to me.

“I knew it was out of control. I didn’t know how I’d gotten there. How did me wanting someone to take care of me, turn into that? Finally, one day when he’d gone to work, I wrote him a note, packed up what I could, and just left.”

“Have you ever heard from him since, hon?”

“No, never. It was as if once I left, he forgot all about me. That’s definitely a good thing.” Kina paused, getting to the point of her story. “I can’t go back to that, Jonathan. Matt taught me a lot about myself. I can’t be owned. I might like having someone pay attention to me and do things for me, but being ‘taken care of’ isn’t want I want anymore.”

Jonathan turned Kina toward him. He looked in her eyes and hoped she could see his sincerity. “I don’t want to control you, love. I can’t deny I want to take care of you, but not like he did. I want to make sure you’re comfortable. I want to be there for you when you’ve had a bad day. I want to make your lunch for you. I want to drive you places, but not to be controlling, but to just be with you for an extra five minutes of the day. When I say you’re ‘mine,’ I don’t mean as a possession. I mean you’re mine to protect, to care for, to be with, to care about.” Jonathan couldn’t say ‘love,’ it was too soon. Oh, he meant that, but figured it was too soon for her to hear it.

“I’m not him. I’ll do everything in my power to try to make that clear to you. I love that you can take charge. I love that you’re independent. There’s no way I want to decide what you should wear each day or even make all the decisions about what we should eat and when. I just don’t want you ever to be too independent to want me around.”

Kina took a deep breath. “Just give me time.”

“You got it, hon. As much as you need. You got it.”

Jonathan leaned toward her and kissed her gently on the forehead. He then gathered up their trash and tried to get both of them back on an even keel. They still had a long day ahead of them and he knew they had to get going. After putting their lunch things away he looked down at Kina, pulled her hand up to his mouth and kissed it tenderly.

“Ready to go?”

At her nod he dropped her hand and they both grabbed up their cameras and headed back towards the contestants.

The rest of the afternoon was much the same as the morning. Roger and Darius had finally seemed to get the hang of the knots and lashings they needed to make their raft float. It was a good thing they’d only have one more night outside, however, because their tempers were flaring and it was clear they were ready to have a break from one another.

That night, the four of them sat around the fire for a while, talking about their lives back home and why the two contestants decided they wanted to be on a reality show. Kina wasn’t surprised to hear they’d thought they’d be on a different kind of show.

“I agreed to be on the show because I thought it was a bachelorette type of show,” Roger said. “It was only right before we were to leave to come up here Eddie told us the show had changed.”

Darius agreed. “Yeah, I’m not really cut out for this type of thing. But I figured I’d already told everyone I was going to be on television, so I might as well still come.”

“Did he give you a chance to back out?” Kina asked curiously.

“Yes, from what I understand, there were a few guys who refused to come, after hearing it was some sort of ‘ultra man’ challenge thing.” Roger answered.

Kina nodded. She’d thought it was odd there were only twelve men to start with. That number seemed low. But Eddie obviously hadn’t wanted to open auditions again so he went with what he had.

“So far,” Darius went on, “the show’s been kinda lame. The challenges haven’t been too hard, especially since they’re trying to make this show out to be some sort of macho man thing. But I suppose that’s okay with us since we weren’t really prepared for it.”

Kina had to agree. After the sun started to set, Kina looked over at Jonathan. Would he want to sleep in the same tent tonight? She was so nervous. She wanted to sleep with him again, but only sleep. She wasn’t ready for more…yet. She felt pretty raw after sharing how her relationship with Matt had been like with him. She didn’t think Jonathan was the type of man to run scared after hearing something like that, but how well did she really know him after all?

Jonathan was waiting for Kina to look at him. He’d been ready to hit the sack a while back, but was enjoying the camaraderie Kina had with the two men. She was fascinating to watch. Her natural, bubbly personality made people want to confide in her. He gestured with his head towards their tents, asking nonverbally if she was ready. She nodded and picked herself up off the ground.

“We’re going to head off to sleep,” she said half-apologetically, knowing she’d be warm and relatively comfortable tonight, while they’d have to sleep on the hard ground and in the cold again.

Jonathan was feeling pretty mellow until Roger opened his mouth.

“Yeah, wish I could have me some of that,” he said not too quietly.

Jonathan was in his face before anyone could react. “You want to say that again?”

“Ah, no, sorry,” Roger stammered, obviously taken aback at how quickly Jonathan had gone from friendly cameraman to pissed-off in-his-face male. 

Jonathan glared at him some more and said before turning back toward Kina, “No one disrespects my woman
.
Especiall
y
not in front of me…got it?”

He watched as Roger nodded furiously and dropped his eyes to the ground and away from him.

Satisfied, Jonathan reluctantly turned back toward Kina. He had no idea how she’d react to his actions. After all she’d told him, he figured she’d probably be pissed. She’d told him often enough how she hated to be treated like she couldn’t take care of herself. But when he’d heard the crude words coming from Roger he just reacted. He couldn’t have sat there and allowed him to diss Kina like that. No way.