Authors: Amanda Heath
“Maybe she’s trying to leave the past behind. We all know you should take back some of the things you’ve done in your life. Except you’d never want to do that because you don’t regret a damn thing,” I tell him.
He shakes his head. “I regret the past ten years with Alexis. I positively regret letting Carter get away. She was the only woman in the world who understood me. You know?”
“No, Jason, I don’t know.” I try so hard not to laugh but it bubbles out anyway, which earns me a dirty look. “Tell me, oh great one.”
“You’re a fucking asshole,” he mutters, finishing off his amber fluid.
“That I am, mate. At least I’m not a loser over here pining after a woman who took my entire guitar collection when she left you.” And it’s true. I shouldn’t be encouraging him to go after her. He’s cried more nights about those damn guitars than he has about anything else. His vintage Les Paul and the Gibson Memphis signed by all the remaining members of AC/DC. Plus, a dozen more. I don’t know how the woman carried all those guitars away by herself. “How did she get away with that again?”
“I let her. I never called the cops on her. I just couldn’t. I really shouldn’t have slept with that groupie but I didn’t think she’d ever find out.” He runs his hand through his short hair before reaching into the cooler and bringing out another beer. “She took them when I was gone on tour. That’s what I loved about her; she never let me know she was mad until the last fucking second. I never saw it coming. She even answered all my texts and called while I was gone. But when I got home all the guitars were gone. She left me this note which only said, ‘When you grow the fuck up, come get your guitars.’ And I never heard from her again.”
“So you really cheated on the love of your life? How could you do that?” I say, reaching my hands up to put them behind my head. I’m not drinking tonight, considering I have an early audition.
“I didn’t know she was the love of my life at the time. I thought she was just like every other girl I’d had a relationship with. But over time I look back and see it now and again. I see the overwhelming urge to be with her. I remember almost being sick to my stomach when I left for that tour. I only slept with that groupie because I was scared. You know I do stupid shit when I’m scared.” I do know that. He once jumped off a balcony because of a scorpion. Thankfully there was a pool below so he wasn’t seriously injured. “There hasn’t been anyone like her since. No one who makes me feel like she made me feel.”
I look into the house through the glass doors and see my two favorite girls dancing around the kitchen. I know in my heart, in every cell of my body, that Alexis is the one for me. I never really believed that kind of thing before I met her. Here lately, I’ve wondered if that’s why Jason and I ended up such good mates. I mean, they’re made of the same stuff; what calls me to him must call me to her. Only, I’m not sexually attracted to Jason. Either way you flip the coin, it could have been. Like, if I’d met Alexis first and she eventually reunited with her family, then Jason and I would still have ended up where we are now. I think I chose this family because something inside of me knew it was the path to her.
I smile when Alexis spins around, Talia clinging to her back, laughing her bum off. She snuck up on me. It’s like one day she wasn’t in my life and then the next thing I knew I couldn’t live without her. She was everything and there was nothing I could do to stop it, even if I had wanted to. After everything with Cassie, I was ready to find the right girl, settle down and enjoy the rest of my life.
“Then you do whatever you can to get her back.” I look up at him and meet his green eyes, ones just like the girls inside the house, making me realize he’ll always be the best mate I could ever have and I tell it to him straight. “You feel all that now after seven years, mate, you go after her. You’re not going to keep running because you’re afraid of her, of what she makes you feel. If you’re afraid that means you’re scared of losing her for good and that means everything. I let Cassie walk out of my life without a word. Yeah, for a second I wanted to work things out but then I met Alexis and everything changed. I was a different person after that.” I stand up and place my hand on his shoulder. “I’m so scared of losing her. It doesn’t consume me but that fear is there. I honestly have no idea what I would do without her. Your situation is different because you know. So you either stand here moaning over her or you go after her.” I kiss the side of his head and smack the other side before I leave him out here to contemplate his choices.
When I enter the house, Talia comes screeching towards me jumping into my arms like the crazy girl she is. “Ryan! Momma says we get to go to Australia next week! Did you know that? We get to take you home! Though you aren’t allowed to stay. You have to come back with us.”
I’m glad when she wraps her arms around my neck to hug me because she can’t see me silently laughing. “I do know. I can’t wait myself. Been a long time since I got to go home.”
“Did you know they call Australia the land down under? That’s weird because Australia isn’t under the ground. It’s above ground just like all the other countries.” She wiggles to get down and I let her because I really need to laugh and I don’t want to hurt her feelings. “Momma, I’m gonna go tell Marley, so he can help me pack. He’ll be so excited to go!”
Alexis bursts into laughter the second Talia is out of earshot. “Your spawn is crazy,” I tell her as she wraps her arms around my neck, and I realize, like mother like daughter. They both do the same thing to greet me and it makes me smile.
You never know how much you’re missing in life until you have everything. It’s like I had nothing and everything tasted like shit before I fell in love with Alexis. Then all of a sudden I could hear colors and see sounds. Food had never tasted so good and I was happy to sit on my ass all day and watch Supernatural when, before her, I’d never be that inactive. And I don’t care what she wants to do or experience as long as I’m standing there with her.
“She’s not crazy. She’s four, and just think, when she’s old enough for boyfriends we’ll have so many funny stories to tell. I’ve got a bunch of blackmail material already lined up. Oh, it’ll be so much fun to torture her.” She lays her head on my shoulder and I start to sway to the song playing on the radio. ‘What if I was Nothing’ by All That Remains.
“You’re fucking evil.”
“I’m not evil, I’m just prepared for the future. She’ll be less likely to date if she knows I’m going to embarrass her every chance I get. It’ll be fun too because all these stories I have usually end with me in frustration.” She chuckles, moving one of her hands into my hair as I put my hands on her hips to move her closer to me.
I just shake my head and laugh at how evil my girl is. You never know with the sweet ones, well, until you’ve got a knife shining in your face. Maybe I should hide them all.
“I love you, Ryan. Some days I wonder how I made it through life without you,” she whispers and I clutch her closer.
“You’ll never have to find out because I’m never going anywhere, Green Eyes.” I pull my arms up so I can cup her face and look into her eyes so she knows I’m telling her nothing but the truth. “Even if I’m dead and buried, I’ll still be here because I love you. And that transcends all time and even death.”
She looks at me seriously a moment before she bursts out into laughter while I just grin. “You’re a bigger moron than my brother.”
“Yeah, but you love me.”
“Yeah, I love you.”
“I love you too.”
Alexis
Never would I have thought I’d be in this position, but here I am. I want to take my earrings out because I have no idea how this is going to go. I really should, because this woman looks like she might fight me to the death. I seriously don’t want my earrings ripped out of my ears. That just sounds so fucking painful.
Mrs. Aaron Carrington is in the same bathroom as me. I know it’s her because, at times, I act like a stalker and I look up pictures of them together. Since my life is going well right now, and I have nothing to be worried about, I’ve been doing it a lot more than I should.
I knew she would be here tonight and I conned my way into this bar just so I could have this meeting. I have to tell her the truth. Is it right? How should I know? I slept with her husband and I got pregnant. She can’t have kids and here I am, the mother of his kid. I think I’m going to be sick.
I’m taking a page out of my own book. If my husband had slept with someone else while he was with me, I would want to know. Yeah, it’s going to fucking hurt but I keep hoping she’ll leave him and find someone who deserves her. But I also don’t know how to approach her and tell her directly. I’d thought about writing her a letter but I knew I had to do this face to face. I honestly deserve whatever she has in store for me.
“You’re Mary Carrington, right?” I ask, my voice shaky with my nerves. And my god damn palms are sweaty. I wipe them on my jeans because it’s just going to get worse.
She watches me closely. Her eyes follow my movements and she takes a big gulp. I don’t know what I’m going to do if she already knows. I don’t know what I’m going to do if she doesn’t know. This is one big cluster fuck and I have no one to blame but myself.
Luckily, my boyfriend is the greatest person that ever lived. He doesn’t condemn me for the things I’ve done or the people I’ve hurt. He can see into my soul I think. He knows I’m torn up by what happened. He knows I want to make it right, even though there is no way to do that. And he agreed that I should do this, so that’s why he’s standing outside the bathroom to make sure no one comes in until we come out.
“Yes. You’re Alexis Michaels, correct? You were in a movie with my husband.” She has short red hair and freckles sprinkled across her nose and cheeks. Her eyes are a dark green and it’s almost as if an Irish accent should be coming out, not an English one.
“Yes, that’s who I am.” I take a huge swallow, trying to wet my dry throat. Butterflies, the bad kind, fly around in my stomach and if they get any more crazy I probably really will puke. I don’t know how I got myself into this mess.
Oh, I know, a handsome smile and charming personality. Plus, a really nice ass.
“Did you need something?” she questions, her eyes narrowing. She totally knows what I’m about to tell her.
“I have to tell you something.” My head feels light and I hope to God I do not faint because that would just make this worse and I’d probably have to start all over again.
“You do?” Her red eyebrows raise and she crosses her arms over her chest.
I nod, taking a step closer because I don’t know if I can say this loud enough for her to hear. “I-I…” I stutter, closing my eyes and bringing my hands up to my chest. I guess I’m trying to keep my wildly beating heart from coming out of my chest. Then I take a huge breath and let it out, “I slept with your husband five years ago and I got pregnant. He’s the father of my child.” And almost magically the entire world seems to lift off my shoulders.
Which makes me feel worse because she looks like her world just shattered around her. “What? Are you making a joke right now?”
I shake my head. “I wish I were. I wish that none of this had happened, except for my daughter, because I’d never take her back. I just…I just wanted you to know. I’ve learned that if you make a mistake, you should own up to it. And you deserve to know the truth. I’m just sorry it took me five years to tell you.”
Her hand reaches out and slaps me hard across the face. I’m jarred back into the porcelain sink. I’m going to have a bruised face and a bruised hip. Lovely, considering we have the press tour for the movie coming up. At least there’s makeup.
“You got anymore? I won’t fight back. I deserve it. I deserve whatever you say to me or do to me.” I don’t meet her eyes because I’m a coward and I don’t want to see the pain living there.
I hear some sobbing and I look up to find her covering her face, her entire body shaking. Tears spring to my eyes and I want to hug her but I doubt she’d appreciate that.
She drops to her knees and puts her back against the wall under the sinks. Her head barely reaches the bottom of the closest sink. I sit down next to her because I’m not going to leave her in this bathroom crying alone.
Once upon a time I was crying alone in a bathroom with a positive pregnancy test next to me. I reach into my hoodie pocket and pull out my pack of cigarettes. I’m not supposed to smoke in here but on occasion you really just need a fucking cigarette.
“Can I have one?” she asks me tentatively and I look at her with surprise.
“You can have whatever you want.” And I mean that with all my heart. Well, within reason. I’m not going to give her my child or let her sleep with Ryan. But I’ll give her all the cigarettes she wants. I pass one to her and my lighter.
And that’s how I found myself sitting on the bathroom floor of a bar spilling my heart out to my child’s father’s wife.
“I’m sorry I hit you,” she says, taking a huge puff of the cigarette.
“No big deal. I expected you to kill me, honestly. This is going a lot tamer than it did in my head.”
“How many times have you thought about doing this?” She lets out the smoke through her nose and I think about how wonderfully cool she looks. In another life I think the two of us could have been friends.
“I’ve thought about doing this every day since I found out I was pregnant. I was a different person before I had Talia. I was selfish and I only cared about me and what I wanted. Once she came into the world, I found myself with all this baggage and I had to do everything I could to protect her.” I flick my cigarette gently and watch the ash fall to the floor. We’re really lucky there isn’t a smoke detector in here.
“I knew something was going on, I just told myself it was nothing. Normally he doesn’t mind if I stop by set and visit. He refused that time, said he was way too busy and he’d see me when he was done. That was a red flag,” she tells me, anger filling her voice. “Then he leaves it all up to you. Lets you walk away with his child, never raising a hand to help you out. If you get a girl with child, you should at least take care of the child.” The freckles on her face seem darker but I think it’s only because her skin has gotten pale since the truth came out. “Fucking piece of shit bugger.”
“He threatened me, said if I didn’t keep my mouth shut, he was going to take my daughter. So I signed a contract and I’ve never told a soul. But as Talia gets older, I see pieces of him and I didn’t want you to see her one day and see him in her. I didn’t want you to be twenty years into a relationship with him and find out he fathered a child with another woman.” I flick my cigarette again as I watch the smoke come out of my mouth in a white cloud.
“My father told me not to marry him. Said he had evil in his eyes. My father is a bit insane but I usually listen to him. I blame blind love. I was so blinded and stupid,” she tells me, reaching up to put her cigarette in the sink.
I shake my head. “I was stupid. I was wrong. You didn’t do anything to deserve this. Aaron and I did this to you, whether you knew or not doesn’t make you stupid.”
She laughs but it’s not a good sound. It sounds like a broken record and I long to make it better but I’ll never be able to. “You were in the same boat I was in. You knew better, but you still did it anyway. If anything, you’ve made sure I take his ass for everything he’s worth. He didn’t sign a pre-nup, thank the holy word.”
I give her a surprised look. “You should take a trip to the Caribbean and have a weekend romance with a cabana boy. A really good looking one with a big cock. Then send him pictures of y’all doing it.”
She lets out a surprised laugh and this one sounds way more normal. “Oh, you’re evil. I think I will do that. I might even have two cabana boys.” Then she looks thoughtful. “No, that’s too much man for me to handle, though the thought is pleasant.”
I bite my lip to stop my giggle. “Are you going to be okay?”
“Not for a long time. And my father is going to tell me he told me so. I’ll have to listen to that for the rest of my life.” She stands up and takes a look in the mirror. “Oh, I look like I could be in a horror movie.”
I stand up as well and wet a paper towel. I gently approach her and raise the paper towel. She gives me a nod, so I gingerly wipe away the mess under her eyes. “I’ve had a lot of practice cleaning up a messy face.”
She reaches up and grips my arm. “I want you to know that I might never like you, but it was brave. Coming in here and telling me the truth. You were braver than most women.”
“I did what was right, regardless of what you could do to me.” I finish up with her face and throw the paper towel in the trashcan.
“Still, most people can’t bring themselves to do what’s right. Even if they have to throw themselves under the bus.”
“I hope you find happiness again. I hope I didn’t ruin your life forever.” I move to leave the room but she stops me for a second.
“You didn’t ruin my life. No one has that power over me. Relationships come and go, darling. This shows me he wasn’t the one, no matter how badly I wanted him to be. I still hate you though.”
I nod. “That’s okay with me. I’d hate me too.”
With that, I leave the room and find Ryan standing outside still waiting for me. He smiles but it falls pretty quickly. He touches one side of my face, the side with the forming bruise. “Ah, she got you good.”
“I slammed my hip into the sink, so I’ve got more battle wounds.” I grab his hand and pull him away from the door. It’s one thing for me to tell her and it’s another for her to see me with Ryan, happy. I don’t think she really needs that right now.
“We should get out of here. I saw Aaron looking for her, wouldn’t be good to have to fight him tonight as well.” At the sound of his name I hurry up my pace to get out of here. If I never see him again, my life will be glorious.
Once we make it outside I wrap myself around Ryan’s arm. We walk down the street towards the car and my feet are lighter. I move much more naturally now and I know it’s because I let that out. I told the only person who matters about how Talia came to be. And Mary can hate me for the rest of her life as long as she knows the truth.
Ryan
“I’m so excited! Oh my gard I’m so excited!” Talia screeches as she runs around the grassy lawn of the park we’re set up at.
Beau watches his niece with eagle eyes. Once in a while I think he thinks she’s just going to get herself into the biggest disaster. He might be right on that point because the little girl is crazy wild.
Jason stands with his sunglasses on and his arms crossed over his chest. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s fast asleep standing up, considering he got pissed last night off too many beers and shots of whiskey. I feel my face pull into an evil grin because I know he has to be feeling bad.
Marley yawns, the sign I gave him to hold leaned up against his leg. He keeps checking his watch and looking around. You can tell he gets anxious when Alexis isn’t around. The man takes his job very seriously.
Reed sits on the closest park bench, one ankle resting on his knee. His arms are stretched out on either side of him and he taps a beat out with his fingers. The man lives in the music. Claire says he’s always writing songs in his head and sometimes she’ll find him at his piano in the middle of the night. He takes his job very seriously.
“They’re here!” Talia yells, running over to Marley and picking up his sign. “Marley hold up your sign! She won’t see!”
“Little bit, she’ll see just fine and I’m not the only one holding a sign today.” He gives her a stern look and she immediately goes looking for her sign. I hold it up when she looks my way and she runs over to retrieve it.
“All right, get in place, everyone! You’ll mess it up!” she says in her bossy voice. I probably should have let her plan the whole thing the way she’s acting.
Jason, Beau and Reed line up next to Talia and Marley and hold up their signs. I sink to one knee right in front, but not in the way so Alexis can’t read the signs.
We see her and Claire approach, neither paying attention, lost in their conversation. Then it’s like Claire snaps out of it and points to where we all stand.
Jason holds the “Will”, Beau holds the “You”, Reed holds the “Marry”, Talia holds the “Me” much lower than the rest of the guys and Marley holds the “?”.
I’m on my knee with a little black box in my hand, holding it up so she can see. My heart stops for a second when her mouth drops open and she stops in her tracks. Claire looks at her and then looks at me. Then she pushes her forward saying, “Breathe.”
Alexis bites her lip and approaches me cautiously. I’m about to ask her if she’s okay when Talia screams out, “You’re supposed to say yes, Momma. You’re not doing it right!”