Authors: Amanda Heath
Beau, and I’m not even surprised, speaks up first, “Where is her father?”
“Ryan didn’t explain any of it to you?” I question, crossing my arms over my chest.
They all shake their heads. I turn to look back at him, something passing through my emotions while I see him entertaining my daughter. I feel relief and surprise and happy that he didn’t spread it around. He could have told them all what I said, but he didn’t.
He winks at me when he catches me looking at him.
I shake my head and turn back to the others. “He’s not in the picture, and he never will be. That’s all you need to know.”
“How old is she?” Claire asks, her hand clasped in Reed’s.
“She’s four. She’ll be five in two months.”
Claire takes a step forward, her eyes pleading with me. “Can we meet her?”
“Yes, you can. But no one, and I mean no one, is to talk about the past. She’s already met Jason and I told her he is her uncle. I’ll do the same for y’all too. Just leave all the bad shit out of it,” I tell them, straightening my spine and putting on my mom face.
“I can’t believe you were the first to have a child. You should have been the last,” Claire states, jealously in her eyes.
I nod my head. “Did I want to get pregnant? No, I didn’t. But I did and I made the best of it. It was a stressful situation but I did it alone and I’m honestly proud of myself.”
Beau grabs my arm, gently. “You didn’t have to do it alone, Alexis.”
I give him a small smile. “Yes, I did. Maybe one day you’ll understand or maybe you won’t, but alone is all I had.”
“You had us. You have to know that,” Claire says, grabbing my other arm.
“I don’t know that. Based on past experiences, I didn’t have anyone but Marley. And he’s honestly all I need.” I’m proud of myself. I’m really ready to beat someone’s face in here, but I’m not. I’m handling this like an adult.
Beau starts to look angry but then all of a sudden he just looks sad. “I’m not going to spend the rest of my life trying to say sorry to you. Because I am sorry. I was a sorry mother fucker and so where Claire and Jason. We know that, you know that. We’ve been trying to get your attention for ten years, Lex, just to tell you that. We’ve grown up, changed and now we want to make amends. Either get over it or don’t. I could give a fuck. I’m tired of always worrying about you and wondering what kind of hell you’re letting yourself live in. It’s obvious you want to live in it, and good for you. Just know we love you, little sister. Always have, always will.”
Numbness settles over me, keeping the feelings out.
I’m about to just walk away when a nurse steps into the little waiting area. “He’s awake and waiting to see all of you.”
For some damn reason, they let me go in first, since he can only have one visitor at a time. He looks bad and like he’s in pain. When I walk into the room, the surprise written all over his face makes me feel better. I was worried he’d be angry.
I find myself rushing to his bed and sitting on the side right by his hip. “You look like crap, Jas.”
“You look different than the last time I saw you.” The side of his face is black and blue and there’s a big cut that’s been stitched up across the side of his forehead.
“I look exactly the same, Jas,” I tell him, worried he might have some memory loss.
“You look like the world is resting on your shoulders. You need to smoke some pot. Take a chill pill. And give me some hugs, those always made you feel better.” He lifts his hand and pats mine.
I don’t even think about it, I just lie down next to him and wrap my arms around his waist. His arm comes around my shoulder and he holds me tight against him. “When you gonna let all this go? We’ve been waiting on you for forever.”
I’m silent for a moment, not knowing exactly what to say. There’s a small radio on in the corner and ‘Remember Everything’ by Five Finger Death Punch plays softly. It’s like my anthem right now. It explains how I feel perfectly. You should really listen to it; it might put you in my head a little bit.
“I don’t know what to do, Jas. I’m so angry with you guys. I’m so depressed and miserable too though. It’s like being pulled in two different directions. One day I’m ready to let it all go. The next I’m happy to pretend none of you exist.” I know the truth though. “I just want to be happy. And maybe that means having you guys back in my life.”
“I think it’ll make you happy too. It’ll make me fucking happy. Even after ten years, I can’t stand not talking to you every day.” Then he kisses my head.
Dr. Lily sits across from me, her pen and pad in hand. It’s been awhile since I was in here, considering I was off filming. I also didn’t want to come in here and talk about what I need to talk about.
“I want to forgive them,” I say, the first words out of my mouth, actually.
Dr. Lily nods. “I think that’s a good idea. Forgiving them won’t clear up all the anger because you still feel that strongly, but it will make you feel better. You also won’t be so isolated from your family. You can form new bonds with them, stronger bonds. I think you’ll be surprised by how much you can depend on them now.”
“Okay. How should I start this?” I twist my hands around before wiping them on my jeans. God, I hate my sweaty palms.
“I think you should start slowly. Spend a few hours with each of them separately. That way you won’t be overwhelmed with everything at once. Then later on you should sit them all down together and explain exactly what happened and why you’ve been keeping them away for ten years.”
“So no just jumping in, got it. This sounds easy. I can do this,” I say, trying to make myself believe that it’s true. I hope I can do this. I really want to do this.
“Can I ask what brought this on all of a sudden?”
I nod. “That movie I did? Well, one of my co-stars is best friends with Jason, my twin brother. And I kind of sort of started to have romantic feelings for him. Ryan is his name.”
Dr. Lily looks surprised. “How about that. Did he push you to think about forgiving them?”
I shake my head. “He never pushed me to do anything. But I think I might like to have a relationship with him. And in order to do that, I’ll have to be around my brothers and sister because he’s friends with all of them. Plus, it’s time. I’ve been a child about all of this for too long.”
“I don’t want you to think that your actions were childish. They might have started out that way, but you were sixteen years old. You haven’t been acting childish about it lately.”
“No, I haven’t. Jason got hurt over the weekend and I saw them all together. Ryan even entertained Talia and she really seems to like him. She was also pleased to find she had long-lost family members. I guess I didn’t realize how much she could use them in her life.” And I didn’t. My family was the best part of growing up and I want her to have what I had. I want her to have that kind of love and I was selfish to keep it from her even though I was mad at all of them.
“Well then, let’s see what happens next.”
Ryan
“Bloody fuck,” I say, running my fingers through my longer hair. It’s still not where I like it but it’ll get there before long.
“You’re more nervous than I am, which I find hilarious,” Jason tells me from his spot sitting down on his couch. I’ve been staying with him since he got out of the hospital because I’m worried about the little fucker.
I groan. “Man, I don’t even know why I’m nervous. I know her, I know what she’s like.”
Jason chuckles, reaching up his arms to put them behind his head. “Because you want her to be your girlfriend. You loooovvvveeee her.”
I groan again and start pacing up and down the living room. Do I love her? Consistently it feels like it. When she walked into the hospital that night, I felt my heart about leap out of my chest. I get butterflies in my stomach at the thought of her. I’ve been watching her movies almost non-stop because I’m worried I might forget what she looks like. Fuck, I even think about her all the damn time.
When I texted her that night, I didn’t expect her to show up. I wanted her to though, I wanted there to be a chance that she could forgive everyone. I want her in our lives, in my life. I want to find a way to be with her and make it work. That involves getting her over her shit with her brothers and sister.
She called Jason last night and asked if she could come hang out with him tonight. He jumped at the opportunity and canceled his date for tonight, the silly bugger. I want to make fun of him for it but I’m the one pacing like a love struck fifteen year old.
“I don’t love her. I like her a lot. And she’s really good in bed,” I tell him, just to tease him like he’s been teasing me.
He makes a gagging noise in the back of his throat. “Yeah, if you could never tell me how good my sister is in the sack again, I might never kill you.”
“You couldn’t kill me, you’d miss me too much.”
He throws a pillow from the couch at me. I duck out of the way with my awesome reflexes. “I forget you’ve been in action movies. You know all the ways to get out of the way.”
“Well, when you don’t want to get hit in the face with flying debris, you learn the right way to move.”
The doorbell rings and we both kind of just freeze. I look at him and he looks at me. Then I slowly unfreeze and make my way to the front door. My first sight of her has my dick coming to attention, which is so inappropriate. I wish I could go back to the days when I wasn’t attracted to her. Then I wouldn’t have this problem.
“Hey,” I say, my eyes moving over her tight black jeans and long sleeve shirt. The damn shirt is long too, coming down past her bum. For shame.
“Hey,” she says back, her hands twisted in front of her. Her green eyes are bright and she looks almost happy to see me. I want her to be happy to see me. I also want to grab her up and kiss the living daylights out of her but I don’t do that. I’m going to be respectful tonight because she’s here to hang out with her brother. She’s not here for me.
I open the door wider for her and let her come inside, directing her to Jason sitting on the couch. His face lights up and he waves. “Little sister has returned home!” he shouts and then winces. He’s still having a few headaches from the head injury, hopefully something that will disappear over time. Though he’ll always have that wicked scar on his forehead.
“You’re looking better,” she tells him, moving into the house to sit next to him on the couch. “Even with that cut. You’re gonna have a lot of fun fighting off the ladies. You know how we love scars.”
He smacks her arm before pulling her into his arms for a hug. “How’s my pretty little niece? I’m bummed you didn’t bring her.”
“I thought it might be nice to catch up without her. She’ll steal all the attention and I’ll feel left out.” She kisses his cheek before moving back and looking at me. “Though with Ryan here, she probably wouldn’t have been too much of a handful.”
“I can entertain her any time you want, Green Eyes. Just say the word,” I say, looking into those eyes so hard I could fall into them.
She gives me a tiny smile and looks back to Jason. “Can we go on the back porch? I want a cigarette.”
Jason tells her sure and so we head out onto the back porch. It doesn’t take Jason long to pull a joint out of his back pocket. “You remember when we used to get high and lay out in the yard till we passed out?”
She laughs loudly, the sound passing over me, making me feel full and happy. I’ve never heard her laugh like that before. “Beau used to find us in the morning. He’d be so pissed even though we all know he was probably in his room smoking. We just had more respect for Daddy.”
“Dad would have kicked our asses if he knew,” Jason states and then looks at me. “Beau could get away with anything, being the oldest and the favorite.”
That makes Alexis laugh again. God, I love that sound. “Beau was not the favorite. Daddy just knew that Beau would still get up and get us to school. He knew that Beau would always make the right choices and didn’t mind his pot smoking.” She pauses with a twinkle in her eyes as Jason lights up the joint. “Now, us on the other hand? We would never make the right decisions. It’s probably why we weren’t ever allowed to stay out past curfew. We were the trouble makers.”
“Whatever. How many times did Claire get caught in the back of someone’s car?” That makes Jason hoot out a laugh and choke on his hit.
He passes it to me before I ask, “So Claire was a little loose back in the day?”
Jason nods. “She was all about the sex. She never left the house without makeup and her hair done. When she was done with one boy, a minute later she was with another one. Once we got out here and started touring, she calmed down.”
“She must have really calmed down. I don’t think I ever saw her with a man until Reed,” I comment after blowing out my hit.
I pass it to Alexis, who puts it up to her mouth and sucks in a big hit. “She calmed herself about the time Daddy got sick. She was more worried about him than she was about getting laid,” she tells us after she blows her hit out.
We sit there for a while smoking the joint and talking about their childhood. Then they start talking about the Beatles and I notice how Alexis’s eyes light up when she mentions the band. “They must be your favorite,” I say.
She looks surprised and nods. “Always have been, always will be. No one is better than the Beatles.”
“She was always into them, while Claire, Beau and I were more into AC/DC,” Jason throws in, looking stoned out of his mind. This thought has me cracking up. We haven’t done this in a long time and I finally remember why I don’t like it all that much. I laugh at everything. Everything is funny to me.
Alexis sits back in her chair, eyeing me from her shuttered eyes. I think she’s too stoned to open them all the way. “Hence the reason you named your band Dirty Deeds. Like no one could tell who you guys liked.”
Jason rolls his head towards Alexis and grins like an idiot. “Sing it for me.”
“No,” she says, looking straight ahead and not at him.
“Please, Lex, sing it for me. I haven’t heard it in so long,” he begs.
“What do you want her to sing?” I ask.
Jason rolls his head towards me with that damn grin still on his face. “Little known secret, Alexis can sing just as good as the rest of us. She just doesn’t like to. But once upon a time she sang ‘I Want to Hold Your Hand’ at the school talent show. She won that damn show without a doubt. Girl got a standing ovation and everything. It was badass.”
“No, I’m not singing it. I will not play into your hands, Jason Jeffery Rhodes!” she shouts before falling back into her chair, laughing her ass off.
“Please.”
“No.”
“Pretty please.”
“No.”
“God damn it, please!”
“Fuck no!”
“Please, please, please!!!”
“No, no, no!!!”
“Please,” I finally say softly, looking into her eyes.
And then she sings. She starts off softly but as the song goes on she gets a high pitch. Her voice is like angels coming down to earth and letting their voices be heard. It’s amazing the talent she packs into that little body.
Jason claps with all his might when she’s done. I lean over her chair and kiss her on the cheek. “Thank you,” I say.
She stares at me while I move back into my seat like she’s never seen me before. Then she grins and starts laughing. “I can’t believe I did that. Never tell Talia about that song.”
“Why?” Jason and I ask at the same time.
She giggles while propping her feet on the patio table in front of us. She pulls the cigarette out from behind her ear and lights it. “Then I’d have to sing it all the time. In reality, I only did that school talent show to impress a guy I had a crush on.”
“Did it work?”
“Fuck yeah, it did. She had dudes lining up around the block. Beau and I were beating some asses at school too. Couldn’t get them away from her fast enough.” Jason throws his fist into the air. “Never had so much fun beating some punk asses.”
Alexis laughs at his antics but continues on, “Talia likes to sing ‘Across the Universe’ to me but only because I was singing it all the time. I’d have to sing this one all the time too. And heaven forbid I introduce her to any more Beatles songs.”
“You haven’t introduced her to the Beatles?” Jason questions. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”
Alexis rolls her eyes. “Because she’s half Brit, and I don’t know, it was something Daddy and I shared. I figure it was something she needed to share with her own father. Though I really should because I’m about tired of all those Nick Jr. songs she sings.”
“She’s half British?” I ask, cautious because I’m not sure if she knew she let that slip.
She slaps a hand over her mouth and gives me a wide-eyed look. “Pretend I didn’t say that.”
“Why the fuck would we pretend you didn’t say that?” Jason sits up in his seat and narrows his eyes at her. “Why don’t you tell us who the father is?”
“Because she can’t.” I answer him before she has a chance to. “And that’s the end of it.”
Jason sighs and sits back in his chair. Then he mutters, “You two being in love isn’t going to be as fun as I thought.”
Alexis looks at me at the same time I look at her. Then she tentatively reaches out her hand. It only takes me a moment to reach mine out and touch hers. We cross our fingers together and before long all three of us are asleep under the smoggy LA night sky.
“Hey, dipshit.” Someone kicks the chair I’m asleep in, forcing me awake.
I sit up immediately, rubbing at my eyes. I look up to find Jason standing over me. “Let’s go in the house,” he says, his voice groggy and his eyes bloodshot. I nod and look over at Alexis, who’s still passed out in her chair. I stand up and move next to her, reaching down to pick her up. She weighs next to nothing but I already knew that. I’ve carried her before, my dick twitching at the memory.
Jason opens the door for me while I slowly start moving into the house, trying not to wake her up. I turn for the guest room I always use but Jason stops me. “Dude, just put her on the couch.”
“You certainly aren’t a gentleman, are you?” I ask him, wanting to laugh.
“Of course I’m a gentleman.” He sounds offended.
I just shake my head and move to the bedroom. He appears at the door. “You should never make a lady sleep on the couch.”
“She’s not a lady, she’s my foulmouthed twin sister,” he tells me, crossing his arms over his chest.
“And you’re a foulmouthed dick,” Alexis says with her face tucked into my neck. Here I thought she was asleep.
“Whatever, I don’t want to hear y’all having sex, so keep it down.” Then he slams the door shut, jarring some pictures on the wall.
I lay Alexis down and move to the other side of the bed. I flop down with all my clothes and shoes on, not even caring. I’d gladly fall asleep right now with everything on. Alexis has other plans though. She gets up off the bed and moves to the end of it. I feel a tug on one of my shoes before it comes completely off. I peek one eye open to look down at her. “What are you doing?”
“You carried me to bed, now I’m taking your shoes off. Helpfulness goes both ways, baby.” I smile at the term of endearment.
“You called me baby.” I say it out loud because it just has to be said. I’ve felt up in the air tonight with her, not knowing where I stand in her life or if she even wants me there. I’ve had relationships before where the girls only wanted to fuck and hang out. They never wanted to commit. It was fine back then but I don’t want that with her.
Somehow she dug herself inside my heart and now I think I might die if she started ignoring me again.
“I could have called you Paladin,” she states while pulling the other shoe off. It thumps when it hits the floor.
“What does Paladin mean?” I give her a confused look as she climbs back on her side of the bed.
She smiles at me while she lies down, mushing the side of her face into the pillow. “Historically, Paladins were the foremost warriors of Charlemagne’s court. Charlemagne, also known as Charles the Great, was king of the Franks. He united most of Western Europe during the early middle ages.”