Authors: Amanda Heath
This is all strange to me but I don’t fight it because, like I said, life throws you all kinds of curve balls. I think Alexis is just one of mine. I still have this gaping hole over my heart where Cassie used to be, but I can look at it reflectively and see that Cassie and I weren’t right for each other anymore.
When we first got together, she was perfect for me. We had more in common and we got along. At the end, I was on a softer approach to life. I didn’t want to go out and party anymore. I didn’t want to take her shopping because people were constantly approaching me for autographs. I like the peace of sitting in my house listening to music and working on my knives.
Cassie might be twenty-seven years old but she doesn’t act like it. She just wanted to spend my money and live off my fame. I’m still baffled by her cheating with a personal trainer and then leaving me for him, but he does work with stars so, honestly, she’s probably hoping he’ll introduce her to someone she can sink her claws into. I don’t doubt she loved me, in her own way, but we changed and we didn’t change in the same way.
I’ve never been attracted to someone like Alexis before. She’s a tiny little thing who’s all hair and tits. She’s blonde too, which I’m baffled about. Not that she’s blonde, but that I’m attracted to a blonde. I usually stay clear of them because I’m blonde. It’s probably the attitude that’s getting the most reaction out of me. I like a bitch and Alexis can be a real big bitch.
I remember the day she walked off set screaming about how much of a dick I was. She’d flash those crazy greens at me and I knew I was done for. I can’t explain it really. I’ve had only a few conversations with her. I hardly know her at all, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to bend her over my couch and see what she has hidden under these clothes. But that’s all it is right now. Lust, lust and some more fucking lust. I’m in a bind here and I’m not quite sure how to get out of it.
On one hand she’s my best friend’s twin sister, Beau and Claire’s little sister. I can’t just take her to my trailer and have a one-night stand, because I would be disrespecting my friends. But I also can’t just start a relationship with her because she has this whole grudge against my friends. Not to mention all the anger. They hurt her deeply and she might not ever get over it.
So that leaves the two of us in limbo. I know she feels it too. That’s why she was acting like a bitch to begin with, because she didn’t like it when I touched her. Or maybe she liked it too much and that pissed her off, either way.
Remembering all that, I slip my hand under her shirt so my palm rests against the skin of her back. She gives a little gasp and her eyes narrow at me. Then she surprises me by asking, “Why are your hands so rough?”
I lick my lip trying to hide my laughter. “I like to make knives. I haven’t been able to work on the metal parts lately, but I carve all the handles myself.”
Her nose wrinkles a bit before she asks, “Why would you make knives? That’s an odd hobby to have.”
I chuckle and circle my thumb around on her back. “I like to throw them. I was having trouble finding one with the right balance, so I decided to learn how to make them myself. I found that I could make the handle into anything I wanted, so now I design them too.”
“You like to throw knives? What to catch dingoes and kangaroos?”
I bite my lip, wishing it were hers, the little smart ass. “While dingoes can be dangerous, I would prefer not to throw a knife at one. Roos on the other hand are just too fucking cute. I could never throw a knife at one.”
“Is it like darts or something? You throw them at a target and it makes you feel like a man?”
“What is with all the questions?” I laugh yet again. “Yes, I like to throw them at targets. I’m really good too.” I lower my head and press my lips against the outside of her ear. “Truth be told, once upon a time I wanted to be in a carnival, throwing knives at a pretty lady sounded like a really good job to me.”
That makes her laugh and the sound hits me in the right places. It reminds me of Talia’s laugh, like ringing bells. “I wanted to walk the tightrope. I used to tell Jason that he had no choice but to come with me. I couldn’t bear to be away from him at the time.”
“He didn’t like the idea?” I wonder if she knows what she just admitted to me. Jason once said the same thing to me, about how he couldn’t bear to be away from her. It took him years to learn to live with the anguish. He says he always has things to tell her and to show her but she’s never there. I couldn’t imagine having a relationship like they did growing up and then being separated yet still feeling that connection.
I wonder if she knows how tormented he’s been? I know she has, but she’s the only one who has the power to change it.
“God no, Jason is terrified of heights. I used to think it was funny to climb a tree and launch myself out of it when he came looking for me.” She turns her face away from me and looks off into the distance, her eyes on Jason. “He always came looking for me.”
I look at Jason myself. His face is lit up as Talia talks his ear off. Every once in a while he looks back at us, as if to make sure Alexis is still there. I don’t know if he even believes this is happening right now. I know it’s crazy for me to believe.
All the years I’ve been friends with Jason, I’ve heard about all the times over the years he’s tried to talk to his twin, but she refused to give him the time of day. He kept trying though, until one day he decided that he’d done everything he could do, all he could do was leave it up for Alexis to fix.
“He misses the fuck out of you,” I tell her, even though I shouldn’t stick my nose in it. I just can’t help myself, considering he’s my best friend and I want him to be happy. We do the stupidest shit for those we care about.
She immediately moves away from me, my hand slipping from her back. “He doesn’t miss me. You have to love someone to miss them.”
“He does love you. Whether you want to see that or not. Regardless, it’s your issue, not his. I’m at the point with him that you should be. He tried to replace you with me, and he couldn’t. No one will ever replace you in his heart. No one in this world but other twins could explain what you mean to him. What he should mean to you,” I tell her, my anger at the whole entire situation rising quickly.
“You have no right to say any of this to me,” she spits out, crossing those arms right underneath her tits. Tits I’d love to sink my face into right now.
I shake my head though. Yeah, I might fuck her up against my couch, but I’d never let her in my heart. I won’t make the same mistake I did with Cassie. “I have every right. I’m the only god damn person in this world who knows the truth. I’m the only person who’s seen what this grudge is doing to your family. I’m friends with all of them, Alexis. I’ve seen their tears, their anguish, and their depression. They regret everything that happened. They want you in their lives but you won’t even crack the fucking door.” I pause and run my fingers through my hair, getting even more pissed off when I have no hair to pull in my frustration. “That’s fine, Green Eyes, you live the rest of your life miserable and alone. It’s the only fucking way you want it to be. You’ll regret it though. When you’re on your deathbed, there won’t be a soul. Because you’ll have pushed Talia away at that point.” I laugh at the hate-filled words that just came out of my mouth. I guess I am a butthead. “Whatever, have a nice life.”
Then I walk away without a second glance.
I want to look back though. I want to apologize for those words. I know it’s not my place to say things like that. I’m not saying Jason and the rest were right, because they were not right. I’m just frustrated because she chooses to live her life alone and closed off. No one should live that way.
Alexis
The things he said, they bounce around in my head like that stupid ball Marley got for Talia a few months ago. I finally had to throw the thing away after it nearly took out the TV.
I personally don’t think it’s too much to ask to be left alone. People, they fucking hurt you. They make you love them, and then they fucking leave. Whether it was their choice or not, well, they still left. I don’t think he understands the entire situation. He doesn’t know what I went through. How could he? Those people, my father’s other children, they weren’t there. They didn’t see him at the end because they were too busy being in a rock band and touring the world.
I’ll be the first to admit that music is life. We would all be dull, lifeless objects without music. Music is simply inspiration. It makes you feel even when you don’t want to. It helps bring out the tears when you really need that good cry. It makes you feel amazing when you hear that one song you can’t help but dance to. It brings people together over a shared love of it.
Music is fucking life.
But you don’t abandon your little sister to it. You don’t walk away from a dying man for it. What Jason, Claire and Beau did was unforgivable. I’m scarred for life because of them. Why should I let them back into my life when they’ll probably do it all over again?
I’m angry and I probably always will be. My daughter now wants to play with her Uncle Jason all the time. I wish I could turn my back and never give the three of them a second thought, but she took one look at Jason and saw me. She felt safe with him and while I wouldn’t ever begrudge her that, I find it hard to deal with. I find myself wishing I could disappear from everything and start a new life.
I walk onto set more pissed off than I’ve been in a really long time. My hair is down and in my face. I have barely any makeup on because Mr. Righteous and I have a love scene today, one whole day after whatever happened between us yesterday. I think I finally saw him in a different light. Then his jackass showed.
The robe I’m wearing is silky against my heated skin and all I want to do is rip it off and strangle Ryan Danse with it. The man stands next to Victor as they go over something. Probably how Victor wants this scene to look on camera. We have four whole days of filming left. You don’t know how crazy happy I am to hear that, even though we have interviews tomorrow. Not looking forward to those.
“Okay, ladies and gentlemen, if you don’t belong here right now, get the fuck off my set!” Victor bellows out with a serious look on his face.
Several people grumble and moan as they leave. I’m just happy Victor made them leave. It gets really nerve-racking when you have a ton of people staring at you while you pretend to fuck some guy. I’ve never liked to do love scenes. I about died that time I went topless for a big budget movie I did shortly after my career took off.
Back then, though, I never thought I’d have children. But life likes to throw shit at you and make you deal with it.
Ryan glares at me as I approach him. Well, I feel the same way about you too, buddy. I lift my nose in the air like I’m too good to breathe the same air as him. Then the jackass takes off his robe to reveal the nude-colored skintight pants he’s wearing. I can’t stop myself from wondering if his junk really is that big. Jesus.
I sigh and take my robe off as well. My suit is also nude but it comes up to right above my nipples. Ryan steps into the bath first, slowly sinking until his ass hits the bottom. He offers a hand out like he really wants to help me into the bathtub but I refuse his help and climb in on my own. I sit between his open legs, trying with all my might not to touch him with any part of my body but make it look like I am.
“Lexy, you actually have to look like you’re into Mr. Danse or this is never going to work,” Victor shouts with a tsk tsk in his voice.
“Okie dokie!” I shout back. Then I sit all the way back until I’m flush against Ryan’s chest. At least his little head isn’t hard or I might knock him upside his big head.
Victor screams out action like no one can hear him. I actually almost jump out of my skin. Ryan’s hands come up out of the water and come around my upper chest, holding me to him. Tingles start at the tips of my toes as he kisses his way up the right side of my neck until his teeth are clamped around my earlobe.
I feel my butt move of its on accord until it’s rubbing against him softly, back and forth. All our important parts are under the water since this movie is supposed to be rated PG-13, so I’m not sure if anyone notices what my butt is up to.
It seems Ryan’s little head knows because now I feel it nudging against me. I’m not even mad as long as he keeps kissing me like that. His hands come into the water and move to land right on both of my thighs. My hips rise up just a little as he starts to rub them. His lips kiss and suck against my cheek, my neck and my shoulders.
I think I’ve been moaning the whole time. It’s like the moment his lips touched my neck I lost all thought inside of my damn head. All my body cares about at this point is reaching the finish line. Well, I’m sorry body, but this is a fake love scene. We aren’t even going to comment on the fact that it seems to becoming a real love scene.
His hands clutch around my thighs and I gasp out loud at his strength. He is physically stopping me from moving on him. Guess I’m not the only one who likes this more than they should.
“Lexy, turn over into his arms. Then start kissing him, please ma’am!” Victor screams out again. I’m glad he’s in a screaming mood today because I’m not quite sure I would be able to hear him if he wasn’t. This lust fog I’m in is pretty fucking thick.
I gently turn until I’m facing him, making sure I don’t accidently knee him in the balls. We might need those later. You know, when I get over my shit and he does and we can pretend to like each other for five minutes.
His hands grab me, pulling me until I’m sitting in his lap, my legs bent on either side of him. Then his lips are attacking mine and mine are attacking him. There is absolutely no other way to describe it. It’s harsh and ugly, the way our mouths meet. Teeth come into play pulling my bottom lip into his mouth, me sinking mine into his tongue once it reaches my mouth. I can feel it now, all around us. It’s in the air, saturating everything it touches, the fucking lust bug is here and she isn’t going anywhere.
Ryan’s hands land on my ass, kneading and pulling at the skin. I move my body even closer to him, trying to climb inside of him probably. Who knows what my body is thinking because I sure as fuck don’t.
“Okay, this is good, but I need you to look like you’re fucking. Right now all I see is heavy petting! And Ryan, for crying out loud, touch her tits, her ass is in the water!” Victor screeches, shocking the crap out of me. “And you have lines to say! Don’t make me say cut and make you start all over again!”
Damn we do have lines. “Are you sure you want this?” Ryan asks me as Wren asking Jessy. This is their “first time” and we are acting like two people who have done it a lot.
“Yes, Wren, you don’t know how badly I want this,” I say as Jessy, even though I’m really saying it as myself. Because I do want it badly. I guess I really should have gotten laid in the past four years. My libido is off the charts right now.
“I’ll make it good for you, I swear,” Ryan says as Wren, but really, I just want to tell him I know it’ll be good. It’s the best I’ve ever had and we haven’t even fucked. That’s sad, just real fucking sad.
Ryan’s hands come out of the water and cup my breasts bringing a loud drawn-out embarrassing moan from me. “Okay, Lexy, less porn star, more teenage virgin!” comes Victor with his screeching. It’s really sad that his screeching isn’t even putting a damper on what’s going on in this bathtub.
Ryan lifts me up a little and reaches down between us, then he pulls me down on top of him, very fucking slowly. I make distressed sounds like it hurts going in or whatever. I can’t remember if it hurt or not because it wasn’t a memorable experience for me. And I was probably shit-face drunk.
Now we are moving slowly against each other. His cold winter’s day eyes are staring right into mine, never wavering, while the sneaky fuck touches my clit through my clothes with his finger. He watches me with his mouth open, like a kid at the candy store who’s never seen candy before. He holds me tight as I rub myself against his finger, the pressure just right I might fucking explode any second.
It’s intense, though, because our eyes are locked and I see everything I’m feeling inside of his eyes. “Please,” I whisper.
Then he gives me a devilish smile, putting more pressure on my clit. He leans up until his mouth is right at my ear. I’m sad he’s not looking in my eyes but I’m on the verge of getting off, so nothing really matters except for that.
“Let it go, Green Eyes. Come on my hand while the whole world watches. You are the sexiest fucking thing I’ve ever seen.” I close my eyes and feel it wash over me. I shudder against Ryan’s chest, keeping myself upright. I pant against his neck, completely spent. And then I kiss him on the corner of his mouth where no one can see. That kiss was all mine.
I’m anxious and for once it isn’t because of my anxiety.
My skin is itchy and I feel like I might crawl out of my own skin. I pace back and forth across the floor of my trailer. The space is small but for once my short height works for me.
I pass Marley for the one-hundredth time while he just watches me with a confused expression on his face. Marley says he doesn’t understand me at all most of the time. I’m either up or I’m down. I’m never still, and when I am, it freaks him out. He thinks I’m plotting to take over the world when I’m still. He says it wouldn’t be a problem for him if I did, but he states I’ll need more security if I do.
I just shake my head at him.
Talia is passed out on my bed, her feet sticking out of the covers. I’ll have to sneak in there in a little bit and put socks on her damn feet. Ever since she discovered her feet she hasn’t liked to wear socks, let alone shoes. She’d walk around barefoot if I let her. Crazy small baby child.
“You need to smoke some pot,” Marley pipes up with his oh so helpful suggestion.
I just roll my eyes. “Why, so I can eat every single snack cake on this set? I don’t think so. Those things are bad for you.”
Marley chokes on his drink of water. “You don’t have to eat the snack cakes, I’m sure there’s something more healthy for you to snack on around here.”
“Yeah, there is, but if I’m high all I’ll want is snack cakes. You never want the healthy stuff when you have the munchies,” I reply, twisting my fingers together.
“What has you so wound up?” he asks out of the goodness of his heart. I’ll be damned if I tell him though.
Yeah, that would go over real well. Oh, hey, Marley, I got off on Ryan Danse’s hand while a whole room full of people were watching. What I wouldn’t give for a female friend right now. Too bad I’m too bitchy to put up with anybody.
I do have that girl, the other daughter my father had. I often reflect on the fact that I could have her in my life if I wanted. I used to have a lot of fun with Claire. She taught me how to do my makeup and paint my nails. She bought me my first box of tampons and explained sex to me. She also taught me how to cook, but I really don’t like to do that much. Though my cupcakes are the bomb because of her.
The thing I miss the most about having a family is having someone to talk to. I remember a time when I told the three of them everything. Even stupid Beau, who once threatened to kill the boy who gave me my first kiss. I think it was more the fact that the boy was sixteen and I was thirteen, than the fact that I was out kissing boys. Not like he had room to talk, considering he was kissing a whole lot of girls back then.
Beau was also the one who held me when I cried. He picked me up when I fell and once I thought he would always be there to pick me up, to keep me on level ground because I’m a fucking klutz at times.
“Nothing has me wound up. I’m just…just anxious,” I tell Marley while wearing a groove in the ugly blue carpet of this stupid trailer.
I feel like maybe I should go run a few laps around the track. Maybe that would help. I need to burn some of this nervous energy off. Then again, I don’t like working out. You can usually find me in my room doing ab workouts when I have to film a movie. Other than that I’m a skinny little thing. Always have been. Even during those years when you’re supposed to be a fat little pre-teen.
“Did something happen today on set?” he asks, lifting his arms above his head and leaning back on his hands. I remember the day I asked him to be my security guard. I can tell you neither of us saw that day coming. I was crossing the street in downtown LA when I tripped and fell on my ass. Nothing new in my day-to-day life, except for the fact that there was a bus coming and I was kind of in the middle of the crosswalk. Marley’s big frame came running from in front of me to scoop me up and run me to safety. I liked that he was a big guy and he was still quick on his feet. He was very polite about it too, never made me feel stupid for falling down in the middle of the street while a bus was barreling down at me. I asked him to be my personal bodyguard and we could have fallen in love, except for the fact he’s gay.
I smile at his warm mocha face and put my hands on my hips. “Nothing of importance happened on set today. I’m just crazy.”