Authors: Amanda Heath
In reality, I’m not that nice girl. I like to cuss and I like loud rock music. I get stoned several times a day. I used to drink and do drugs before I had Talia. Honestly, I think Jason and I have that one in common. I saw on an entertainment news station that he’d gone into rehab after that night he punched Marley. Not that I really gave a fuck.
I pick my phone up out of the console and dial my agent’s number. Dylan picks up after one ring. “This must be a prank call. You haven’t rang me in four fucking years. I know, I’ve been keeping track.”
I roll my eyes at him. “Yeah, but you still call me every week. So it’s not like I haven’t talked to you, asshole.”
“Yes, yes, I know you’ve been going through some stuff. Honestly babe, it’s time to get back on the horse! You haven’t made a movie in so long, the first thing you appear in will probably sell out opening night in five seconds.” He laughs his manic laugh and I cringe away from the phone.
“That’s why I’m calling. I want that Victor Vole script you were talking about last week.” I fidget with my free hand, pulling the strings of my hoodie. I turn back to look at Talia, sleeping like the dead in the backseat. I check her chest to make sure she’s breathing because I’m neurotic like that. “If I’m going to make something, I’ve got to go big.”
Dylan is silent for a minute and I want to laugh. He’s never silent. The man talks on the phone in his sleep. “You know they have a male lead for that picked out already.”
I bite my lip and try really hard not to bite at the string he’s dangling in my face. Dylan and Isla, my publicist, know the story behind my baby daddy story but since everyone is under contracts they can’t talk about it. Not that they would, considering I picked them out specifically because of their tight-lipped reputations.
“Calm down, it’s Ryan Danse,” he says and I breathe a sigh of relief.
“Isn’t he a big action star?” I ask confused.
“Yeah. Don’t ask me why he wanted to do this movie. It’s romantic and it’s weird. He won’t have to jump out of burning buildings or survive deadly car crashes on this one.”
I shake my head. “Maybe he’s ready for something different. You know I didn’t like action movies all that much.”
“That’s because you got tired of having to be saved.”
I nod at that, even though he can’t see me. “Well, I don’t see any issues. I’m just reading the script, not going to an audition.”
“Actually, you have an audition set up for Friday at nine a.m.”
I’m speechless for all of five seconds. The five seconds it takes the screen in-between the seats to roll all the way up. “Are you fucking kidding me?!”
“Calm down princess. This part is perfect for you. The female lead is a dirty mouthed, rocker chick and bad to the bone. Just like you.”
“I’m going to kill you. I’m going to wrap my hands around your skinny little neck!” I growl into the phone, beyond pissed at him.
“Alexis, you haven’t asked to read a script in five years. You ask me to read one, the same second I’m texting the casting agent of the same movie you’ve inquired about.”
I take several deep breaths and I roll my head on my neck. “I’m still punching you in the nuts. Just you wait, Dylan.”
He chuckles, which I fucking hate. “I’m shaking in my boots, baby doll.”
I hang up on him and close my eyes.
“I take it he was happy about you wanting a script?” Marley asks, rolling the screen back down, knowing I’ll want to see Talia.
I look back and find her still sleeping. I kick my feet up on the dash and get comfortable. “He texted the casting agent while he was on the phone with me and got me an audition on Friday.”
“Sounds like a good deal to me.”
I lean over and slap his arm with the back of my hand. “I swear y’all go behind my back constantly. It’s a wonder I even make plans at all.”
“You love us. Don’t even pretend you don’t.”
“I love y’all so much I don’t know what I would do without you.”
“Talia Constantine Michaels! Get off that fucking counter right the fuck now!” I scream, seeing my four year old dancing to ‘In This Moment’ on top of my kitchen counter. I had my back turned stirring the spaghetti sauce in the pan.
“But Momma!” she screams back.
“No ‘But Momma’ anything! Get the fuck down! You can dance on the floor like everyone else. You’re four years old, not some twenty-something sorority girl. Jesus Christ.” I sink against the edge of the bar once she safely climbs down. My kitchen floors are tile, like, expensive hand-placed tile. She’d bust her head right open if she fell off that counter. And the girl isn’t graceful.
Marley comes flying into the kitchen, wiping sleep from his eyes. Knowing him he fell asleep on the couch watching the 49ers take on the Patriots. It’s not his responsibility to take care of my child. Unless we are out in public and then his instructions are to protect her above me but we are safely at home.
“Tally, what have we told you about climbing on the counter? You have a perfectly safe and sturdy tree house in the backyard that’s supposed to take care of your monkey ways,” Marley says to her while making funny faces.
“I know, Marley. It’s funnier to get up here. I wanted Momma to see me,” she says, her big green eyes filling up with tears, just like they do every time she gets in trouble. Her blonde hair is pulled back into pigtails right at her shoulders. She looks so sweet and innocent until you see the chocolate all over the front of her Elsa costume.
“I know it is baby. But getting up there is dangerous and you could get hurt. And Momma wouldn’t know what to do if something ever happened to you,” I tell her, scooping her up and putting her on my hip. She weighs forty pounds now and it’s getting harder and harder to hold her up.
“I sorry Momma. I won’t do it again. I promise,” she says, wiping the tears from her eyes.
I give her a bright smile and use my free hand to stir the sauce. “It’s okay, Talia. It’s okay to make mistakes, you just have to learn from them, okay? You know now you shouldn’t get up on the counter. That’s all I wanted you to know. I’m sorry that I yelled at you, but I was scared. Now and again when Mommas are scared they yell and they say things they shouldn’t say.”
“You said a bad word,” she tells me helpfully.
I hold in my laugh at that one. “Yes and Momma is very sorry that she said those bad words.”
“And you aren’t gonna say them again, right?” She looks up at me, hopeful that she’s got the rules right now.
I close my eyes and lean my head against hers. “One day you’ll understand that you should just do as I say, not as I do. But we’ll leave that lesson for another day.” I set her down on her feet, finding chocolate covering the front of my shirt. “Why don’t you go climb on Marley? He’s safe.”
She gives me a grin and shoots out of the kitchen and I stop myself before I tell her not to run in the house.
Maybe one day I won’t be so psycho.
Lights flash in my eyes.
Paparazzi scream in my face.
My heels catch against the concrete under my feet.
Marley uses his big elbows to back them away. He’s right there telling me to breathe. He grabs my hand and pulls me towards my car; the one I don’t know how to drive.
Once I’m in the backseat I place my hand over my stomach. It’s fairly big now. They all know I’m pregnant. The press is having a field day because I’m not married nor am I in a relationship.
I sit in that backseat and I cry. I cry and I cry. I wonder how my life has come to this? To me, a few weeks ago I had the perfect life and now it’s all falling apart around me.
Marley throws me concerned looks from the front seat while he navigates the busy streets of LA. I want to tell him I’ll be okay, that I’ll make it out of this without any lasting effects.
That’s not true though. I’ll forever be scarred by this. By the fact that once again I was all alone without anyone. Marley counts towards someone who loves me but it’s a brotherly love and I pay him. It’s not the same, though I’d never say that to him. He’s truly the only family I have right now.
Then I think of my father. The only man in my life I could ever depend on. I think of the Beatles. I think of the old records Daddy used to play and all the songs that made up my childhood.
Before I know it ‘Across The Universe’ starts to come out of my mouth. Chill bumps break out across my skin as I sing the song. One of my favorites. The song soothes me and I finally get my breathing under control. Tears leak out of my eyes as I wish that my dad could be here at this exact moment. He’d know exactly what to do to make me feel better.
Then it happens, a little foot kicks inside my belly. I feel it in every part of me. A sob bursts out of me and I look up to meet Marley’s concerned eyes. I smile till it stretches my face to the point of pain. “She kicked! Oh my God, Marley, she kicked!”
I lay my head back as the tears pour out of my eyes. I continue to sing for my kid, the one I hadn’t felt until that moment. And for some reason I know it’s all going to be okay.
I open my eyes slowly, blinking away the fog in my mind. The screen on the TV shows the pause menu for Fallout 4. Talia has her head in my lap while my head rests against the back of the couch. I quietly lift my hand and place it on her head. I gently run my fingers through her soft golden hair and feel my lips pull into a grin. I hadn’t thought about that night in forever. The night I felt Talia for the first time.
I’d never felt more alone than the day I found out I was pregnant. I was terrified because I knew that I’d have to do it alone. I’d be her only parent.
Her biological father isn’t dead, if that’s what you’re thinking. No, he’s perfectly healthy living off in another country. Or, actually, I don’t know where he is. Honestly, I could give a fuck. As long as he’s far away from Talia and me.
I yawn, trying to clear my head of completely lack of sleep. I shouldn’t have stayed up all night playing Fallout but when you like video games as much as I do, it’s going to happen from time to time. I pick up the remote from the end table next to me and change the TV over to cable. For some reason it’s stopped on an entertainment news station, one I don’t really watch anymore, considering they aren’t talking about me anymore.
They show a picture of a man with long blonde hair framing his face and clear icy blue eyes. His lower face is covered in a beard a few shades darker than the hair on top of his head. He looks extremely pissed off and I find that it seems to be his normal expression as the channel shows more pictures of the man.
He’s really hawt. Which most of the men in this industry are, excluding some who aren’t, but they have amazing talent. At least talent still means something to some people.
The man in question is shown with a gorgeous brunette with a fake smile. You learn to spot them after all the years I’ve been doing this. Her eyes are a striking pale brown color and they come across as empty but you can’t really judge that from a picture on TV.
I finally start listening to the anchor who’s been talking, “Ryan Danse has split from long-term girlfriend Cassandra Freemont. The two have been together for six years. Sources are claiming that Cassandra was caught with Ryan’s personal trainer.” Then they show a picture of the personal trainer and I have to say that I’d probably have jumped him myself. It’s not as if the brown haired, green eyed trainer was any sexier than Ryan, but at least the trainer has a genuine smile on his face and his eyes are happy, not full of anger. Six years of having a grumpy boyfriend, I’d probably stray too.
I shake my head at my own thoughts. I’m so damn cynical all the time.
“Ryan is reportedly spending time with his best friend down in San Francisco where he’s had a house for a number of years.” Then they show a picture of Ryan with my father’s son, Jason. “We hope Jason Rhodes can cheer his friend up. Or at least help him move on.”
I take a deep breath and close my eyes. Guess I need to make a call and get that audition canceled. After all of this today though, I really don’t want to work with Ryan Danse. I don’t see how we could make a good movie, what with both of us being grumpy and hard to work with.
Talia lifts her head up and blinks at me. “I need to go peepee, Momma.”
“Well, let’s go peepee then, child.”
“I am not calling and canceling. And you will not be a no show. You’ll be at that fucking audition if I have to drag you there by your fucking hair,” Dylan says over the phone line.
I roll my eyes at his dramatics. I’m the actress but he’s far more adept at drama than I am. “Really? You’re going to drag me by my hair for thirty-six blocks? I’d be bald by the time we got there. Not to mention we’d probably get the cops called a hundred times. Did you think of that?”
The phone line is silent and I smile.
“You’ll get it canceled. The man is best friends with my father’s son.” I will never call any of those people my siblings out loud to another person. Hell, I don’t even call them that in my head.
“What does that have to do with anything? It’s not like you’ll be working with Jason.” Dylan sounds exasperated and it’s not like I blame him. He’s been trying for damn near five years to get me to do another movie. I finally find one I’m interested in doing and we find a roadblock. One I will not budge on.
“I might not be working with that son of a bitch, but he could show up to set. And let’s not even pretend to think he hasn’t told Ryan about our past, how we are related. They’re best friends, Jason has to have told him. It’ll be awkward and shit,” I say, running my fingers through my hair in frustration. I didn’t think I’d have to fight so hard with Dylan on this.
“Alexis, you’ll be at that fucking audition. You’re twenty-seven years old for fuck’s sake. Act like it. So you’ll have to work with someone who knows your brother.” I cringe at the term. He’s not my brother. “One day you’ll have to wake the fuck up and get over it. It’s been ten years. Ten fucking years. How long are you going to hold this grudge?”
I’ve gone into what I like to call default mode. Here and there someone will say something I can’t deal with. When that happens there’s a switch in my brain that goes off and I’m not really there anymore. I’m far away where the words can’t reach me, can’t hurt me.
“Honestly, that’s none of your business. And if you don’t get out of my personal business, I will fire you without looking back,” I threaten. I guess I forgot to mention my default mode is an uber bitch. Oops.
“Alexis,” Dylan sighs. “We’ve been down this road before. We’ve been together for nine years. Nine years where we’ve grown in our careers and in our own lives. If you think you can fire me, then go ahead. I won’t go anywhere though. I’ll still be right here to give you shit.” He clears his throat before speaking more. “Now, you’ll be at that audition. I mean it. Goodbye.”
I look at the phone in my hand for what seems like hours. At intervals I’m worried that I’ll go into myself one day and never come out. I hate when this happens and I don’t mean to do it. I don’t mean to curl inside myself this way but occasionally I just can’t deal. I have to turn myself off so I don’t think about it.
I know that’s no way to go through life but it’s how I am. I’ve been this way for forever. Honestly, I think Jason was the first person who sent me into default mode. He was the biggest jerk that ever existed growing up.
“Momma!” screams my child and I shock myself out of my funk.
I lift myself up off the couch and rush into the kitchen where her voice came from. I find a bowl of cereal and milk all over the floor. The corner of my lip lifts up and I shake my head. “You’re always making a mess, little one. What am I going to do with you?”
Talia shrugs, and I grit my teeth. Constantly she does things that remind me of her father. He’s a shrugger. You’d ask him a question he didn’t want to answer? He’d just shrug. I think it’s kind of like my default mode. He shrugged a lot at the end there.
“What have I told you about shrugging? Hmm?” I ask, bending down to pick up the plastic bowl. I start tossing in the little cheerios while I wait for her to answer.
“It’s not nice to not answer a question. You should always use your words,” she finally says before bending down to help me clean up her mess.
“Okay then, why didn’t you use your words?”
She bites her lip and looks me in the eye. “I didn’t want to tell you I was twirling in my seat and that’s how the bowl got knocked over.”
“You’re just a big ball of bad behavior today aren’t you?” I laugh.
She nods her head. “I sorry Momma.”
I lift my hand to put against her face. “It’s not a big deal sweetie. You’re four years old. You’re supposed to make messes and try to lie about how they happened. If you didn’t I would think something was wrong with you.”
My palms are sweaty. I hate sweaty palms. It’s the strangest feeling in the world. Why do palms even have sweat glands? Your hands are for gripping and holding things. So why put sweat glands there?
I’ve read my script about a hundred times since I decided I wanted to make this movie. I even called Dr. Lily and told her. She seemed surprised that I got something going so quickly. I told her she hasn’t ever met my agent. He’s probably had this in the works for weeks.
The movie is about how a couple meets and falls in love in the Deep South. Arkansas to be exact. I know it doesn’t sound very exciting, but after reading the script I found myself completely in love with it. The words spoke to me, much like music speaks to me. Plus, it’s about more than the love between these two people. There is a huge plot twist at the end, which surprised even me. I pride myself on knowing how a movie or book is going to end without having read or watched it before. I did not see this coming.
I left Talia with Marley, told him to drive her around for a while and maybe take her to the park. She likes to swing and play with other kids. When I’m not around, people don’t know who she is. That’s why I usually let Marley take her places.
I’m sitting in a room by myself; Dylan is off with the casting director. I’ll have to read my lines on camera for several of the people involved with production. I’m trying to prepare myself now, because I’ll probably have to read with Ryan Danse. They’ll probably want to know if we shoot well together and to see if we have any chemistry. I doubt we do. I personally like my men more groomed, you know, with shorter hair and less beard, like, no beard at all. He was with a tall brunette for six years, so I doubt he wants my short blonde ass.
God, I hope Jason hasn’t told Ryan about me. I bet he has though. Seems like something Jason would do. He also probably made me look bad. I know I make him look bad when I’ve had to come clean and admit that he and the other two are also my father’s children.
I’m so distracted with my nervous thoughts that I never heard the door open or noticed that someone walked into the room. At least I wasn’t talking to myself. That would be something that could happen to me.
“Alexis Michaels?” a deep voice says with an Australian accent.
I open my eyes and uncross my arms from across my chest. My eyes meet a pair of icy blue eyes full of so much pain; I’m nearly thrown out of my chair by it. His pictures have never done him justice. His full lips and strong chin mixed with those high cheekbones. His eyebrows are the same color as his beard and I want to smile. I have no idea why. Butterflies erupt inside my stomach making me want to upchuck my lunch.
“Ryan Danse?” I ask back, standing up to hold out my hand. I’ve met famous men before. I’ve shaken their hands with a smile on my face with no nerves to speak of. But after seeing him pictured with Jason and seeing the pain in his eyes, I’m off center for some reason. I find myself more nervous than I’ve ever been and I’ve won an Academy Award for crying out loud.
“It’s nice to meet you,” I say after his big rough hand lands in mine. His skin is calloused and I wonder if he plays the guitar or if he makes things. You know, like, wood carving or metal work. Maybe he’s some kind of artist. I like to write songs and play them on my piano. The piano my father taught me how to play on. I keep a picture of him on top of it and I’ve made a vow to show Talia how to play if she’s interested.