Here With Me (15 page)

“I wish I could believe that, Cole,” she sighed. “But, I’m afraid she’s right.  Maybe if I’d been here...” she lamented before he cut her off. 

“Stop.  You can’t play that game.  We all make decisions and there’s nothing we can do once those decisions are made.  You’re always here for your mom.  You know that.  You have nothing to feel guilty about.”

“Logically, I know that.  I’ve always believed what’s supposed to happen will happen, but when it comes to something like this…my mother’s life…I can’t help but go over how my decisions have affected her,” she said, before adding quietly, “I shouldn’t have gone with him.”

The room was quiet for a few moments before Cole spoke again.

“Where did you go?” he asked softly.

“I just wanted to get away.  I just wanted a break from my life…from my mom and always doing everything around here.  I just wanted some time for myself.”

“And you went away with Ryan?”

She straightened herself, turning so she was looking up into his eyes.

“Yes, I did,” she said, almost in a whisper. “We wanted some time together before he returned to work.  It was dumb.  It was stupid.”

“Well,” he sighed. “What’s done is done.”

She hadn’t known what he’d say in return, but she hadn’t expected the response she got.  He hadn’t come right out and said it, but she knew he agreed with her…that her weekend escape with Ryan was dumb and stupid. 

“Cole,” she said, turning to face him again and grabbing his hands with hers. “Thank you again.  For everything.  I’ll never be able to repay you for saving my mom’s life.”

“You don’t need to thank me, Mal.  I love you.  I love your mom.  I feel like she’s my mom.  I’m just as shocked as you by what’s happening.  I’m just so sorry it took this to bring us back together.”

“Me too,” she said honestly, not wanting to think about what had caused their rift. “You’re one of my best friends, Cole.  I don’t want to lose you.”

“I don’t want to lose you either.”

“Then let’s just put the past behind us, okay?  Let’s just focus on the present because I have a feeling I’m going to need you more than ever now.”

“I’ll be here.” He smiled and then kissed her on the forehead. “Now, you need to get some rest.  I’ll come by first thing in the morning and we’ll go check on your mom.”

Nodding, she watched as he walked out of the room and then sat on the bed for a few minutes, running over the events of the last twelve hours, before finally getting up.  After changing into her pajamas, she went into the bathroom and brushed her teeth and washed her face.  When she returned to her room, Paige was standing in the doorway.

“Excuse me,” Mallory said
curtly, brushing by her sister, expecting Paige to leave, but she didn’t.  Instead, she walked into Mallory’s room and sat on the bed. “What are you doing?” Mallory demanded

“We need to talk.”

“I think you’ve said enough for a lifetime,” Mallory mumbled.

“Well, I’m not done yet,” Paige began.  Mallory turned and glared at her sister.

“Make it quick.  I’m tired.  I want to go bed.”

“Did you exert yourself during your little getaway?” Paige said sarcastically.

“We’re done talking. Get out!” Mallory said forcefully.

“Who is that Ryan guy?” Paige asked, ignoring her sister’s demand.

“I said this conversation is over.  Get out of my room.  In fact, why don’t you go back to Connecticut, where you’ve been hiding?”

“I asked you who this Ryan person is.  Are you two dating or something?”

“Yes, we are,” she said quickly.

“And he’s in the Secret Service?  He works at the Bush estate?”

“You seem to have his complete biography so why are you asking me?”

“I’m asking you because I want to know where this whole thing is going.  I want to know if it was worth it.”

“Was what worth it?”

“The weekend aw
ay?  Was it worth mom ending up in the hospital?”

Mallory stood there, staring at her sister as her eyes brimmed with warm tears.  She and Paige had never been close, but Paige had never been this mean.

“Why are you doing this, Paige?” she sniffled, wiping her eyes. “You haven’t been here for mom in years.  I’m always here and the one time I’m not, something horrible happens.  How can you sit there and judge me when you’ve done nothing?”

“Don’t try and bait me, Mal.  I left before Mom got sick.  I made my life away from Kennebunkport.  I couldn’t just uproot my job, Justin’s job and my kids’ lives to come back here
and take care of mom.  But you came back and by doing that, we all accepted that you had taken on the role of Mom’s caregiver.”

“I never accepted that role.  I came home because it was the right thing to do.  There was no one else.  I gave
everything up so I could help Mom.”

“You just admitted it.  You just said you came home to help Mom, so stop trying to make me feel guilty.  I have no trouble sleeping at night, but I’m sure you will now.”  Paige stood up and began walking towards the door, but then stopped and turned to Mallory. “I don’t know much about this Ryan Scott, but what I do know is that he’s not sticking around.  He won’t be here to see you through this.  He’ll be gone and living his life, not giving you a second thought.  You need to think about that and hope whatever you gave of yourself to him was worth all that.”

Paige stepped out of the room and Mallory slammed the door behind her.  Her face was wet with tears by the time she walked over to her bed.  Her phone rang just as she was about to crawl under the covers.  She reached into her purse and saw it was Ryan.  Silencing the ringer, she got into bed, trying unsuccessfully to banish Paige’s words from her mind.             

Ch
apter Nineteen

Mallory slept better than she expected, but woke up early.  It was six a.m. when she rolled over and looked at the clock.  Knowing she wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep, she got out of bed and went straight to the shower.  After putting on a pair of jeans and a comfortable t-shirt, she went downstairs, expecting to find her venomous sister waiting to attack her again, but found a quiet house instead.  She glanced outside and saw Paige’s SUV was not in the driveway. Relieved, she went into the kitchen to make a cup of coffee.  While it brewed, she looked down at her phone.  Ryan had tried to call three times.  The whole situation with her mother had changed everything with him.  She wasn’t ready to talk to him because she didn’t know what she was going to say. 

Putting t
he phone down, she tried not to think about it.  She figured she probably wouldn’t have to worry about it right away since Ryan would most likely be busy on his first day back to work.  Still, she wondered how he was doing.  They’d hardly spoken two words since Paige told them about her mother’s accident and what she
had
said to him hadn’t been very nice. 

“Knock, knock,” a deep voice called as the front door opened. 

Cole walked in, looking better than the day before, more rested and relaxed. 

“Hey,” she said, pouring herself some coffee. “
Wanna cup?”

“No, thanks,” he
said, coming into the kitchen and hugging her gently. “How’re you doing?”

“I’m alright.”

“Have you heard anything?”

“No.  I’m assuming no news is good news,” she sighed.

“I think that’s the right way to look at it.  Were you able to get some sleep?”

“Surprisingly, yes.”

“Where’s Paige?” he asked, looking around.             

“Don’t know and don’t care,” she grumbled.

“So Paige is still being Paige?”

“Yes.  She really let me have it after you left.”

“Don’t listen to her,” he said seriously, looking her right in the eyes. 

“I’m trying not to,” she said, taking a sip of her coffee. 

“Do you want to head out?” he asked and she nodded, putting a lid on the coffee and grabbing her purse before following him out to his car. 

“We should get some breakf
ast before we go see your mom,” Cole said as they drove. “Once we get there, we’ll probably be there all day and who knows when we’ll have a chance to get a real meal.”

“I’m not that hungry,” she said, her mind drifting back to
the day before and the pancake breakfast she’d shared with Ryan.  She couldn’t believe how different everything was now.

“You have to eat, Mal.  Now don’t argue with me,” he said, turning
the car in front of a little café. 

She knew Cole was right.  She did need to eat, even if she didn’t feel like it. 
To pacify him, she ordered a small danish and a juice and pieced at it while Cole dove into his breakfast sandwich and hash browns.  Once they were done, they drove straight to the hospital. 

She smiled to her co-workers as she passed the nurse’s station and walked into her mother’s room.  Grandma Jane was still there in the same clothes she’d had on the night before.  Paige was there too, sitting in a chair, doing something on her phone.  They both glanced up when Mallory and Cole walked into the room.  Paige glared at her sister, her feelings obviously the
same as the night before.  Grandma Jane stood up and met them at the center of the room, embracing them both. 

“How is she?” Mallory asked.

“The same.  Nothing’s changed.”

“I guess that’s good,” Mallory said, walking over to her mother’s bedside. She looked the same as the night before: calm and peaceful.  Mallory took her hand and kissed it before laying it back at her side.

****

Her mother’s condition remained the same throughout the day.  Cole stayed at her side and they watched the basic cable channels on the TV to pass the time.  Paige hardly said anything and kept to herself.  Grandma Jane finally went home in the afternoon to shower and freshen up, but vowed to be back as soon as she was finished.  Paige went back to the house to take a nap, leaving just Mallory and Cole. 

“Are you hungry?  You didn’t each much at breakfast,” Cole mentioned once they were alone. 

“A little,” she admitted.

“Do you want to grab a bite to eat at the cafeteria?”

“No. I don’t want to leave her side.”

“I’ll go get us something then.  Is a sandwich okay?”

“Yes, that’s fine.  Thanks, Cole.”

“No problem,” he said, leaving the room.

It was the first time she’d been alone with her mother and she found it hard to look at her.  Before, she’d had the protection of everyone else, but now that she was alone, the guilt was consuming.  How could she have left her mom alone in the house?  What had she been thinking? 

“I’m sorry, Mom,” she whispered, thinking back to all the pent up resentment she’d had.  She’d given up her ambitions to take care of her mother and she had been bitter about it.  But now that she saw her mother lying helpless in the hospital bed, the bitterness was gone and she was grateful she’d had the opportunity to take care of her mom.  Although her mom had always been flighty and not your typical mother, she had been a great mother.  She had been fun and accepting and supportive.  Mallory realized she’d spent too much time focusing on the negative aspects of her mother and not enough time appreciating the positive things.  She lowered her head and prayed she’d have the time to appreciate those things. 

The door opened, interrupting her silent prayer and a moment later a hand was resting on her back.  She had assumed it was Cole returning with their lunch, but when she looked up, she was staring at Ryan.  He looked different.  Instead of the casual clothes she was used to, he was wearing a serious looking black suit. 
Yet another sign of how everything had changed. 

“Hey, Mal,” he said softly, leaning down and kissing her on the top of the head.

“Hey,” she replied.

“How’s your mom?”

“How does she look?” she mumbled. Ryan didn’t say anything right away, but he removed his hand from her back.

“I’ve been trying to call you.”

“I’ve been a little preoccupied.”

He sighed
and she knew she shouldn’t be treating him this way, but she couldn’t stop herself. It was just flowing from her.

“Can we talk somewhere?” he asked.

“I can’t leave her alone.  What if she wakes up?”

“I just need a moment of your time.  It’ll be fine.”

“I said I’m not leaving her alone!” she snapped just as Cole walked back in with their lunches.  Cole looked between them, but didn’t say anything.  He set the sandwiches down on a table and walked over to them.

“Cole, would you mind sitting with Claire so I can talk to Mallory?”

“Of course,” Cole said and Ryan gently tugged at her arm until she reluctantly followed him. 

“Where can we talk privately?” he asked and she led him to a small supply closet.  He shut the door behind them and took her hands. “What is going on with you, Mallory?”

“My mother just had a stroke and she has a broken neck.  That’s what’s going on with me.”

“I know that, but why are you being like this?  Why are you pushing me away?” he pleaded, his eyes boring into hers.

“Ryan, please,” she sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose and closing her eyes tightly. “Just let it go.”

“
No, I won’t let it go, especially after this weekend.”

“This weekend is the reason my mom is here!”

“No, it’s not,” he shot back.

“I should’ve been there, Ryan!  But, instead I was off with you when I should’ve been home to help.”

“You can’t be with your mom every second and even if you could, you couldn’t have stopped what happened.  Stop blaming yourself.”

“No, I won’t, because it
is
my fault.  I shouldn’t have left her alone for that long,” she shouted at him, tears spilling down her face.  He enveloped her in his arms and for the first time since they’d returned from their weekend together, she didn’t push him away.  She sobbed into his chest and clung to him fiercely.  He held her tightly and she’d forgotten how safe he made her feel.  She’d missed him and she hadn’t realized how badly until she felt his arms around her again. 

“It’s going to be okay.  Let me be here for you,” he whispered and then she suddenly pulled back.
             

“I can’t do this, Ryan.  I need to get back to my mom.”

“You can’t keep pushing me away,” he said, reaching for her, but she stepped back.

“I need to get back to my mom,” she repeated.

“Why can Cole be here for you?  Why can he sit with you and comfort you?  Why can’t I?”

She took in a deep breath and didn’t know how to defend herself.

“We’re done talking about this,” she said.

“No, we’re not.”

“We are for right now.”

He sighed, staring at her in frustration.
“Then when can we finish this conversation?”

“I don’t know,” she said quickly, brushing a piece of hair behind her ear. 

“Tonight,” he interjected. “I’m coming by your house tonight and we’re talking about this.  When will you be home?”

“I don’t know.  When my mom wakes up, I guess.”

He ignored her snide remark and ran a hand through his hair in frustration.

“I can be there at seven o’clock.  Will you be there?” he asked, his eyes piercing hers.  She hesitated for a moment, but then nodded. “I’ll see you then,” he said
as he pulled her to him, kissing her gently on the cheek before turning and leaving the storage room.