Here With Me (16 page)

Chapter Twenty

Nothing had changed with her mom all day and she reluctan
tly went home.  She knew Ryan would be there promptly at seven and she was dreading the conversation she knew was coming. 

The house was quiet when she walked in.  Paige was still at the hospital and Mallory hoped she’d stay there all night. 

She sat on the couch and flipped mindlessly through the channels as her eyes watched the clock tick closer to seven.  Just as she predicted, headlights beamed through the front window as Ryan’s Jeep pulled into the driveway two minutes past the hour.  She breathed in deeply as she waited for him. 

“Come in,” she said, when the doorbell rang. 

Ryan walked in, his face plastered in nerves.  He was out of the black suit and had changed into loose jeans and a gray t-shirt.  He looked like the old Ryan, the Ryan she loved. 

“Hi,” he said, shutting the door and walking over to her.  He sat down beside her on the couch.  Even though he was only a few inches away, it felt like a million miles.  She wanted to fall into his arms, but she couldn’t.  “Any change with your mom?” he asked and she shook her head.

“No.  She’s the same.”

They didn’t say anything and the silence became deafening. 

“I know she’s going to be okay.  This whole thing will work out,” he finally said and nervously took her hand. 

“Even if she is alright, nothing will be the same,” she said softly.

“Of course things will be different, but she’ll be okay…” he said before she interrupted him.

“I’m not talking about that.”

“What are you talking about then?” he asked, letting go of her hand. 

“I’m talking about us and how this can’t go on anymore.”

“Whoa,” he said, shaking his head as his face curled up in confusion. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“I’m sorry, Ryan,” she said softly.

“Are you ending things between us?”

Their eyes met
and she nodded slowly.

“You’re not serious, Mal.”

“We let this go too far when deep down we both knew it couldn’t last.”

“We’ve had this discussion.  I thought we were both okay with letting it work itself out.  We both said we’d find a way if it’s meant to be.”

“That was before my mom got hurt.”

“So in the span of 24 hours your feelings for me have jus
t turned off?”

“No, of course not.”

“Then how do you explain this?”

“Since I’ve been with you, I’ve been distracted. I’ve been too involved and because of that, my mom’s in the hospital.”

“Don’t start with that self-righteous crap, Mallory!” Ryan snapped.

“Excuse me?” she shot back.

“You’re not God.  You didn’t make this happen, no matter how much you or your sister tries to convince yourself of that.  What happened to your mother is terrible, but it wasn’t your fault.  It was an accident.  You’ve got to forgive yourself.”

“I can’t!” she shouted, standing up and walking to the other side of the room. “If I hadn’t been so wrapped up with you, she might not be as sick.  We’ll never know that, but I’ve got to live with that.  I just took off, leaving my mother alone when I knew she shouldn’t be alone.  Maybe I’m being punished, I don’t know, but I’ve
gotta try and make it right by focusing on my mom and nothing else.”

The frustration was obvious on his face.  He ran his hand through his hair, breathing in deeply, before speaking again.

“You deserve a life too, Mallory and you can’t feel guilty for finding that life with me.”

She stared over to him, wanting
to go to him, but she couldn’t.  This was already proving to be one of the hardest things she’d ever done. 

“My life is here, with my mom.  Your life is wherever you’re told to go.  Our lives could never mesh.  Your life is your career.  My life is here in Kennebunkport.  Why we were trying to kid ourselves?”

“We were trying to kid ourselves because we love each other.  I love you, Mallory and I thought you loved me.  I know our lives aren’t exactly a perfect fit, but things can change if you’d just give it a chance.”

“Life isn’t for taki
ng chances.”

“Then what’s it for?”

“I don’t know,” she said quickly. “But I can’t take chances.  I took a chance this weekend and look what’s happened.  My whole world has turned upside down and all because I took a chance with you!”

He just shook his head and stared at the floor for a while before finally looking up and meeting her gaze again. 

“I took a chance with you too, ya know.  For the first time in my life I love someone.  For the first time, I found someone I can see a future with.  Believe me, Mallory, that was
never
in my plans.  Not with my job or the life I’ve led.  But, when I realized how I felt about you, I thought you were worth taking that chance.  Apparently, you don’t think I’m worth the chance though.”

“Ryan,” she pleaded. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize, Mal.  I’m not sorry for the time we’ve had together,” he said, his voice laced with frustration. “I’m just sorry you’re giving up so quickly.  The first time we’re hit with real adversity and you’re done.  I understand it’s scary right now.  I want to help you through it, but you won’t let me.”

“Because you can’t help me!
  I don’t know how long you’re going to be around!  You’re just going to leave and I’ll still be here taking care of my mom.”

“It’s nice to know you have so much faith in me, Mallory.  I told you I want to be here for you.  You haven’t even given me a chance to do that
though.  You’re just certain I’ll fail.”

“I don’t know why we’re prolonging the inevitable,” she said, ignoring his plea. “It’s best to just make a clean break.”

“A clean break?” he asked sarcastically. “This isn’t going to be a clean break.  We’re in too deep for that.  We’re not just casually dating.  I love you, and you’re ripping my heart out.  How can that be a clean break?”

Her eyes filled with tears at his words.  He was right.  This could never be a clean break.
  She loved him…more than anyone she’d ever loved and she was letting him go.

“I’m sorry,” she choked out.

“I just want you to remember that
I
did not give up on us. 
You
gave up on us,” he said, walking towards the door.  He put his hand on the knob, but then stopped and turned to her. “I want you to remember I love you.  I pray to God your mom is okay, but I also hope someday you realize how important you are.  You’ve got so much to offer the world, and if you’re ever given the chance, I hope you take it.”  He stared at her so fiercely, she could almost feel it piercing her. He turned the doorknob, but then stopped, staring at her for a moment before walking quickly over to her.  He grabbed her face, cupping it with his hands and pressing his lips to hers.  He kissed her long and hard as all the memories they shared together came flooding back to her.  As her lips moved with his, she tried to burn the feeling into her mind, knowing it would be the last time she would ever feel him.  She kissed him hungrily, knowing this kiss would have to be enough to last a lifetime.               

When he finally pulled away, h
e stared at her once more with the green eyes she’d first seen on the beach that day and her eyes filled with tears knowing she’d never see them again.  He slowly released her face from his hands and then turned and left.

Chapter Twenty-One

Mallory forced herself to turn off the emotions she was feeling about Ryan.  She hadn’t wanted to say goodbye, but she had to.  She had to put him behind her because everyone was right.  The thing with Ryan was only temporary, no matter how hard she tried to delude herself that it wasn’t.  She tried telling herself it was for the best, even if she missed him so badly it hurt.

After he’d left, she’d gone to bed, doing her best to fight back the tears and the desire to grab her phone and tell him to come back.  She finally fell asleep though and woke up early to return to her mother’s bedside. 

She sat holding her m
om’s hand when Cole walked in, not surprised he had come so early and she was glad he was there.

“Any change?” he asked, pulling a chair up next to her.

“No.  She’s the same,” she said dejectedly.

“I really think she’s going to be okay.” He put a hand on her back and rubbed it gently.  She leaned into his chest and cried quietly.  He just held her and she prayed he was right.

“Have you had anything to eat?” he asked a few moments later and she shook her head. “You need to eat, Mal.  You’re gonna make yourself sick and you’ll be no good to anyone then.”

“I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not,” he said, prodding her until she stood up. “We’re going to the cafeteria to get some food.”

“I can’t leave her alone.”

“Your grandma and Paige are out talking to the nurses.  They can come in and sit with her while we eat.”

She stared up at him doubtfully, but reluctantly followed him out of the room.

“We’re gonna grab a bite to eat at the cafeteria.  Can one of you go sit with Claire?” Cole asked.  Paige didn’t say anything, but walked into their mother’s room.

“You look awful, Mallory,” her grandmother noticed. “Are you alright?”

“Yes, I’m fine,” she said, but Grandma Jane gently tugged Mallory towards a corner, away from everyone else. “Talk to me.  What’s troubling you, aside from your mother, of course?”

“I’m fine, Grandma.  I’m just worried about Mom.”

“We all are, dear, but something else is going with you and don’t try to tell me there’s not.  You’ve never been able to lie to me.”

Her grandmother’s face was kind, but stern.  She was right.  She’d never been able to keep
anything from her.

“I’m just a little upset with some things in my personal life right now,” Mallory finally relented, hoping it would suffice.

“Stop being so vague.  This is about that Ryan character, isn’t it?  I haven’t seen him around.” When Mallory looked into her grandmother’s eyes, they were kind and soft.  Mallory nodded as she felt tears brimming.  She breathed in deeply, willing them to stay back. “Did you break it off with him?”

“Yes,” she replied softly and her grandmother nodded in understanding. “I realized everyone was right.  We had no future and there was no point getting any more involved, especially with what’s happened to Mom.  I need to focus on her right now.”

Her grandmother stepped closer and wrapped her in her arms, squeezing her tightly for a moment before letting go.

“I’m sorry you’re hurting, Mallory,” she said gently as she held onto her granddaughter’s hands. “Everything’s going to be alright though.” Her grandmother was smiling encouragingly, and Mallory couldn’t help but notice Grandma Jane’s eyes had drifted over to Cole for a brief moment before meeting hers again. “I’m glad Cole is here for you.  He’s been such a support since all of this happened.”

Mallory just nodded, looking over to her friend, who was waiting for her near the nurse’s station.  He smiled at her and she smiled back before looking to her grandmother again.

“I’d better get to the cafeteria.  I don’t want to be gone long,” Mallory said and Grandma Jane let go of her hands.

“Take your time,” her grandmother said before walking back into her daughter’s room and Mallory rejoined Cole.

“I’m with your grandma,” Cole said once they were settled in the cafeteria with their breakfasts.

“What are you talking about?”

“That you look awful.”

“Wow…another point for my self-esteem this morning.”

“I’m not trying to insult you.  You just look like you’ve got a lot on your mind.  It looks like you’re carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders.”

“My mother’s incredibly ill, Cole.  Of course, I’m not going to look my best,” she said, glaring up at him. 

They ate in silence for a few more minutes before Cole started talking again.

“I haven’t seen Ryan around.  They must be keeping him busy now that he’s back to work.”

She cringed, not wanting to discuss it, especially with Cole.  She wasn’t ready to talk about it.  Just hearing his name caused her stomach to hurt.

“I wouldn’t know,” she said softly, causing Cole to look at her curiously.

“Is everything okay with you guys?”

Sighing, she
thought about what to say.  He’d find out eventually.  There was no point in keeping it from him.  It wasn’t a secret.

“I ended things with us,” she said, looking up into his blue eyes, waiting for a cheerful smile to spread across his face.  Much to her surprise, it didn’t.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” he said.

“No, you’re not.”

“Yes, I am, Mal.”

“You’ve been against us from the beginning.  You never liked Ryan.”

“I won’t try and refute that, but I
am
sorry because I don’t like seeing you hurting,” he said, pausing for a moment before continuing. “Can I ask why you broke things off?”

“Because you all were right.
  I was only kidding myself that my relationship with Ryan could be anything more than a summer fling.”

“But, you just got back from a weekend away with him,” Cole said cautiously. “Did it go badly or something?”

“No,” she said staring directly into his eyes. “It was an amazing weekend.  It was the best weekend of my life.  We had fun and we made love till I thought we were both going to pass out from exhaustion.”

Cole’s eyes were as wide as saucers as he listened to Mallory’s description.  She’d never quite seen him look so sh
ocked and couldn’t help but laugh, which seemed to help him relax some.

“Sounds like you had a good time,” he said awkwardly. “Why’d you end it then?”

“Because I came home to a mother in the hospital because of my carelessness.”

“Don’t say that.  It wasn’t your fault.”

“I should’ve been at home, taking care of my responsibilities, but instead, I just took off, running all over New England with Ryan, when I should’ve been here.”

“So that’s why you broke up with him?”

“Yes.  Because I was in too deep.  He was a distraction.  Now, can we just stop talking about it, please?”

“I won’t bring it up again.”

“Thanks,” she said, taking another bite of her breakfast, just as she saw Savannah rushing over to them.

“Mallory!”
Savannah said breathlessly. “She’s awake.  Your mom’s awake!”

“What?” she exclaimed, dropping her croissant and standing up. “How is she?  Is she okay?  Is she talking?”

“Yes, she’s talking,” Savannah said with a smile. “She’s asking for you.”

She turned to Cole with tears in her eyes.

“She’s awake,” she said as her voice cracked and a tear streaked down her face.

Cole smiled and winked in support.

“I’ll clean this up and be right there,” he said. “Go to her.”

She sped towards her mother’s room and rushed through the door.  Grandma Jane and Paige were standing around her bed along with Dr. Shaver.  Mallory quickly joined them.

“Mom!” she cried out when she saw her mother’s eyes were open and alert.

“Mallory,” she said quietly, he
r voice low and raspy as her hand reached for Mallory’s, taking it and squeezing tightly.

“How is she, Dr. Shaver?” Mallory asked quickly.

“Things are looking good.” Dr. Shaver’s voice was positive and upbeat. “From my initial exam, there doesn’t seem to be any severe long term damage from the stroke.  We’ll know more once we’ve done a more thorough exam, but I’m optimistic.”

“That’s great news,” Mallory said, drying her eyes, just as she heard the door open.  Cole sidled up beside her and put his arm
around her. “I think she’s going to be okay,” she whispered to him.  He squeezed her and kissed the top of her head.

“I told you she would be.”