Just Human (22 page)

“You should,” he pulls away and I don’t try to stop him. He moves backwards and forwards, creating this wonderful-smelling dinner for me and he cooks as we chat. When he’s finished adding ingredients and started a pot of rice, he returns to his place between my legs.

“Did you find space for your things?” I ask, stroking his face.

“Yep,” he replies with a wry smile. I wonder briefly what the knowing look is about, but he interrupts my train of thought.

“Would you like a drink?” he asks, on his way to the fridge before I answer.

“Please,” I reply and as he collects two glasses from a cupboard, I notice for the first time, just how familiar with everything he is. Then as I glance around, I realise.

“You’ve cleaned!”

“Well I didn’t have anything else to do.”

“Yes but you didn’t have to clean. I feel really bad now, swanning in to a lovely dinner and a clean flat.” I pull him back to me and kiss him. “I’ll have to make it up to you.”

“Hmm, not now though,” he insists, laughing as he wriggles away. “I’m cooking.”

I huff. How does he have so much control? I slide down off the kitchen side and peer into the pot on the cooker. I stir the pot and lift the spoon for a taste.

“Do I have time to shower?”

“Oh, no you don’t,” he admonishes, grabbing the spoon from my hand. “Go, have your shower, dinner will be in fifteen minutes.”

I shower and change into my soft black jogging bottoms and I’m wearing nothing under them, which makes me smile, thinking about Danny discovering that later. I root around for a vest but I see a freshly washed and ironed stack of his t-shirts. On the top is a well-worn Guns ’n’ Roses t-shirt. I run my fingers over the faded design. This can’t be ‘THE’ Guns ’n’ Roses t-shirt, the one I got him for his fifteenth birthday. They aren’t hard to come by; it must be a different one. I slip it on and head out to the kitchen. Danny has finished in there and is waiting at the dining table for me. Two candles are burning, my latest flowers are in the centre of the table and fresh drinks have been poured.

“This is amazing, thank you.” I say, sitting down. “What are we having?”

“Massaman Curry,” he says as he loads my plate.

“It smells delicious.” I take the plate and wait for him to serve his own. It feels odd being cooked for in my own home. I rarely cook for myself, and I can’t think of a time when anyone was selfless enough to do this for me. He digs straight in, so I do too. It’s a heavenly coconuty, peanuty chicken curry with potatoes.

“This is so good,” I murmur with food still in my mouth. “Where did you learn to cook like this?”

“I just like food,” he shrugs.

“Well, you can do this anytime.”

We eat and chat. He has enjoyed his day of domesticity and got loads done, including packing for our weekend away. We’re off in the morning and I hate not knowing where we’re going. I try probing for clues but it’s futile.

“You know I hate surprises,” I pout.

“Only because you’re a control freak.”

“But how will I know what to take with me if I don’t know where we’re going?”

“I’ll pack for you. Just let it go.” He smiles, “I see you found my stuff.”

“Yeah, I hope you don’t mind, it just looked too comfortable to resist,” I say, looking down at the t-shirt I’m wearing. “Do you remember I bought you one of these?”

“That
is
the one you bought me.”

“No way!”

Danny shrugs. “I couldn’t throw it out. It reminded me of us.”

“I can’t believe it hasn’t fallen apart after fifteen years.”

“I don’t really wear it, I just keep it.”

I suddenly feel awful for helping myself. “Oh God, I’m sorry, shall I take it off?”

“No! It looks great on you, and besides, I only kept it because I didn’t have you.”

I smile back at him. Wow! All this time he’s kept a bit of our history. I never expected him to be sentimental about us.

“But why did you bring it, if you don’t really wear it?”

He suddenly looks embarrassed. “It’s my lucky charm.”

I lean over and kiss him. I feel so lucky and I’m struggling to keep down all the serious feelings I have. Neither of us has mentioned it, but tomorrow it has been two weeks. The ‘magic’ two weeks is almost over and we need to discuss what happens next. That’s what this weekend is really about. I hope we’ll sit down and talk about the terrifying concept of our future. We are, so far, really happy together and I can’t even think of how I would cope if he went home, but then I can’t see him wanting to at the moment. Although it is his home, so who knows what he’ll want to do. I’ve managed not to think about it too much over the last two weeks, but the fear is building again now.

I clear away the dinner things, insisting that he doesn’t help seeing as he cooked. I nip down to get us coffee, ducking into the kitchen, so that I don’t have to go out onto the floor in my current get up. It’s really busy with the Thursday late night shoppers, so I have to hover for a minute until one of the waitresses comes into the kitchen.

“Carla, could you do me two lattes please?” I ask, gesturing at my outfit by way of explanation. She laughs and goes off to make them, while I raid the freezer for a tub of ice cream. I keep small tubs of leftovers, for the staff and myself. I take a vanilla and a black cherry. Carla returns with the coffees and I grab a tray to take it all back up. As I’m typing the code into the door, a customer comes through to use the toilets. I smile meekly as he passes, mortified by my appearance.

“Well that was embarrassing,” I tell Danny as I get back up to the flat. “A customer saw me!”

“So?”

“So, I’m not wearing any underwear!” Cringing, I put the tray down on the coffee table.

Danny pulls me down into his lap and slides his hand under the Guns ’n’ Roses t-shirt. “If I’d known that, I wouldn’t have let you out of my sight,” he says as he caresses my bare skin.

“Stop it,” I shoo him away and sit up, passing him a coffee. I settle back down with my legs across his lap and sip my coffee whilst staring at Danny’s profile. “Why won’t you tell me where we’re going?”

“Why won’t you just let me surprise you?” he counters, holding firm.

“It’s the Isle of Wight isn’t it?” I look up at him and we both laugh. I can’t stop. When I finally breathe, he slaps my leg and gets up.

“Come on, let’s get you packed.”

Fourteen.

Liv.

I love you.

Waiting in the Eurostar departure lounge at Kings Cross, I notice how many kids there are waiting to catch the train to Disneyland Paris. Fleetingly, I wonder if that’s where we’re going, but I really don’t think Mickey Mouse and a million kids is Danny’s idea of a romantic weekend away. When we caught the train to London, I automatically assumed that we were staying here, but that changed when we arrived at the Eurostar check-in. I suddenly panicked about my passport, until Danny produced it from his pocket. He was going to have ask me to bring it, but then he found it while he was cleaning, so he decided to keep the whole surprise to himself.

Now we’re sitting waiting to be called for our train to who knows where. I like being in control, especially where travel is concerned, mainly because I fear things like not having my passport when I need it. But now that we’ve crossed that particular bridge smoothly, I’m relaxing. It’s quite nice to be whisked away and you can’t be whisked if you know the ins and outs.

Danny looks like the cat that caught the canary, sitting beside me. He gives my hand a little squeeze.

“You’re pretty pleased with yourself aren’t you?”

“I sure am!” He laughs, pulls me against him and kisses the top of my head. “Do you want to know where we’re going?”

“Nope.” At this point it makes no difference.

“I’m impressed. But you’ll find out soon enough anyway.”

Just then the voice from above announces the Eurostar to Brussels Midi and Danny gets to his feet.

“That’s us.” He holds his hand out for me. We collect our things. Danny wheels our small, shared suitcase and I carry the breakfast and coffee we’ve just picked up from the patisserie on the concourse.

Once we’re settled into our seats, I have to ask him.

“Brussels?”

“Bruges.”

Hmm, I’ve never thought of going there.

“I’ve heard it’s beautiful, what made you choose it?”

“I called my dad. He and Mom toured Europe for a month, a couple of years ago. I knew he’d have a recommendation. He said it was their favourite stop on the tour. It’s not too busy or touristy like the big cities, perfect for a quiet weekend. He even told me the name of a hotel. Is it okay?”

“It sounds perfect. Thank you.” I lean over to kiss him. It becomes a deep, long kiss and when I regain my senses I check around me to see if we have any spectators. Thankfully the carriage is only half full and we are several rows away from the next passengers.

“Breakfast?” Danny asks, as he begins to open the bag.

I sip my coffee and flip through the seat-back magazine, until I come across an article about Bruges. Danny hands me my ham and cheese croissant and I read him the article between bites.

“I'm excited to see it now,” I say as I finish reading.

“I’m just excited to have you to myself for three days. Do you realise how much you work?”

“I know. I’ve actually been quite slack since you arrived, I normally work more.” I’m aware that I have no work/life separation, but I haven’t ever really needed any. Sorry.” I add regretfully.

“Don’t be silly. I kind of sprang myself on you. Besides, I’ve loved helping out. It’s a real buzz when it’s busy. I have to keep reminding myself it’s your place. You’re incredible.” He leans in again and kisses me. “I’ll have to do some work myself soon. I can’t stay on vacation forever.”

My stomach lurches. Does he mean he’s going home?

“Don’t look so panicked! I’m not going anywhere.” He takes my hand, turns to face me and fixes me with that intense stare of his. The train goes dark as we shoot into the tunnel, but we don’t really notice.

“It’s just that we haven’t talked about it,” I manage, trying to disguise the growing sense of dread I’m feeling.

“Well let’s talk about it now. We have…” he looks at his watch, “…two hours.” His gentle smile softens his face and puts me more at ease. “You can’t go anywhere, or stop me from saying anything here. You’re trapped!”

I laugh, nervously. “So that was your plan? Trap me under the English Channel and then say whatever you like.”

Danny shrugs and grins.

“Maybe.”

I sigh and rub my face. I don’t think I’m ready for this. Over the last two weeks being with Danny has become normal. I don’t want anything to change. He’s looking at me. I have to say something.

“So what do you want to say?” I want to throw up.

He thinks for a minute. “I guess I want to say that I’m happy. Really happy and I don’t want that to change.”

Oh thank God!

“I’m really happy too.” I gush. “But what do we do now?”

Danny leans back slightly, assessing me.

“Do you like me being here?”

“Of course. I don’t want you to leave.”

He breathes a quiet sigh of relief.

“Then I won’t.”

“But is it really that easy? What about your apartment? Your family and friends, your car, work? You can’t just walk away from all of that.”

“I know, I know.” He shakes his head. “It’s crazy, but I know if I go back I’ll never be happy. I have to try, I want to be with you.”

A shiver runs all over me, this is what I want to hear him say but I have so many doubts.

“But how can it work, if you give up everything to be with me and I give nothing?” Once again, we have gone from zero to intense and life changing in a matter of minutes.

“It won’t be like that.”

“But that’s exactly how it will be,” I counter. Frustrated that he only sees the romantic side of everything, I’m trying to be a realist and protect myself from pain. But then, I have to admit to myself that the only reason I have him now is because he followed his heart. I would never have taken the risk.

“Okay, hear me out…” he holds my hands as he starts to present his argument. “My parents are going to be spending more and more time in Mexico. They’ve found a place they love and Mom is going to retire. I’m an only child and I have no grandparents left. Nothing is keeping me anywhere.”

“But what about your friends?”

“It’s only Jen and Scott that I really care about and they want me to be happy. I’ll still see them. Grace lives like, fifteen minutes from them, you go see her, we’ll combine visits. Besides, they’ll visit me too.”

“What about your apartment?”

“I’ll give notice when we get back.”

“But, that’s your home.”

“I don’t care about that. If you could see it you’d see, it’s just a place to sleep. I’m…I was… a single guy. I haven’t made it a home. I don’t have any attachment to it. I’ll get rid of it.”

“Just like that? What if it doesn’t work out?”

“Why do you have to always doubt? It will work out. If I have to go back, I’ll stay at Jen’s or my parent’s. My parent’s house will probably be empty for months at a time anyway. But it will work I know it, if you give it a chance.”

“And work?”

“I can literally work anywhere.”

“You’ve really thought about this haven’t you?”

He smiles. “I’ve thought about nothing else.” He lets go of my hands and folds his arms. “You can’t come up with any obstacle I haven’t thought of already.” We sit quietly, racing through the darkness for a while.

“Have you talked to your parents about this?”

“Yeah, Dad’s psyched about having a reason to visit the motherland more often. The question is, will you have me?”

I can’t believe he’d need to ask that question.

“I want nothing more,” I say sincerely. “I’m just so scared.”

“Of what?”

I fall silent while I search for the explanation. Staring into the darkness I wonder what I’m really afraid of. I’m not exactly sure myself, so how I can try to explain it to him, I don’t know.

“The thing is, I’ve been hurt by men before. Men, I realise now, I never truly loved anyway. I see now that you are the only person I’ve ever really loved and while losing you broke my heart, you never actually hurt me. You left, but that wasn’t your fault. So you’ve stayed perfect in my memory. I guess my fear is, if I let myself love you, you might turn out to be just human. And if you’re just human, you could easily hurt me too. I couldn’t survive being hurt by you Danny.” I sigh, feeling relieved to finally voice my fears, but extremely vulnerable now that I have.