Marrying Kate (17 page)

"Sure, that would have been fine. I knew something was wrong, even though you denied it but didn’t even think it was your birthday. At least now I know why you weren’t all that happy on Saturday. No fun to celebrate your birthday if no one else knows."

"I wasn’t feeling down because no one was celebrating my birthday. I only had myself to blame if that had been the case, since I hadn’t told you."

"So what had you so melancholy?" Jared leaned forward, bracing his forearms on
the table, his blue eyes intently watching her.

"It’s not every day a girl turns thirty-five. I guess I was just reflecting on my life and what I’ve accomplished."

"And that was a reason to be down? It seems to me you’ve accomplished a lot in your life. Probably more than most people."

"It depends on what you view as accomplishments. Accomplishing a lot of things doesn’t seem to matter when your dreams have been neglected in the process. I often wonder where I’d be now if I hadn’t focused so much on my career, pushing aside my own dreams in order to fulfill my father’s."

"I can tell you that you most likely wouldn’t be here with me and the kids. You’d probably have a family of your own. I’m glad things worked out the way they did. If they were any different you might not have been available to help me and the kids."

"Maybe but then I’m sure you could have found someone to help you out. Someone more suited to what you want in a wife."

Jared’s gaze narrowed. "You are exactly what the kids and I need, Kate. I--"

The waitress’ return with their drinks and salad interrupted Jared. By the time she left, the moment was lost. Kate felt frustrated at the waitress’ untimely arrival. What had he been going to say?

Instead of pursuing whatever direction his thoughts had been taking earlier, Jared began to talk about his day at work. Kate did her best to respond without dwelling on what Jared might or might not have been about to say.

Once the meal ended, Kate was reluctant to leave the restaurant knowing they would be heading back home. She didn’t want their evening together to end. They approached the gleaming elevator doors across from the restaurant but instead of pushing the down button, Jared pressed the up one.

"Aren’t we going down?" Kate asked as the bell dinged and the doors slid open. She hesitated before stepping into the elevator.

Jared grinned at her. "Nope. As part of your present, we’re staying here overnight and spending tomorrow however you want. I was thinking Mall of America
, but it’s your choice."

"But what about clothes?" Kate gestured to her dress. "I can’t wear this again tomorrow."

"Never fear. I packed a bag with some stuff for you. I came by and checked in earlier. Our bags are already up in the room."

The doors slid open again and Jared laid a hand on the small of her back as they exited the elevator. He directed her down the hall to their room. He opened it with the card key
, and Kate gasped with delight.

The room was elegant and beautiful. More beautiful than any room she’d ever stayed in before. Jared had actually reserved a suite
, and Kate spent the first five minutes exploring it. Jared followed her around, an indulgent look on his face.

Finally, her curiosity satisfied, Kate hugged Jared. "Thank you so much. I can’t believe you did all this."

Jared wrapped his arms around her waist and held her close. "It was my pleasure. You’ve worked so hard the past few months that you deserve a break. I’m sorry it’s so short. Maybe next time it can be a little longer.”

“
It’s perfect,” Kate assured him. “I’m not sure I could handle being away from the kids for much longer than a day. I miss them already.”

“
Do you want to call them?” Jared asked, running a finger over her brow to smooth the lines of worry there.

“
You don’t mind?”

“
Of course not. I’d like to talk to them too.”

As Jared placed the call, Kate wondered if they would be able to continue their conversation from earlier. She hoped so but in the end, it didn’t happen.

*****

A couple of hours later Kate lay in bed listening to Jared’s steady breathing. Sleep eluded her and rather than try any longer, Kate slid out from under the covers and went into the living room. The curtains were drawn over the sliding doors leading to the balcony. She didn’t bother to open them but slipped behind the curtains to open the doors to the balcony.

The city lay spread out before her, lights twinkling in the darkness. Kate leaned her arms on the hard, smooth surface of the railing and lifted her face to the soft night breeze.

How she wished things were simpler. There was no denying how confused she was. Part of her wanted to believe that Jared loved her. Why else would he have planned something so wonderful as time away in this beautiful hotel? But another part of her kept reminding her that overall, Jared was a nice guy and doing nice things was just part of his nature.

She knew he cared for her. If he hated her or even if he was indifferent to her, he wouldn’t do the things he did. But was it more than care? Kate didn’t know how they could be so close in one area of their relationship and so far apart in another. When she was in his arms she almost believed that he loved her. But when they were apart, all the doubts surfaced.

God, why can’t I just let this go? I’ve already given it to
You, why do I keep taking it back into my hands again? Why can’t I just believe that You will work all this out for Your glory?

Kate dropped her head forward and stared at the cars on the street below. The breeze picked up and coolness swept over her skin. Kate rubbed her hands up and down her arms.

Sometimes she thought her heart was going to burst with all the love she kept there. She showered as much love as she could on the kids
, but there was a part of it she had to hold back. A large part of it.

Kate rubbed a hand over her heart, the ache intensifying. Maybe if she had a child of her own, a baby that was part of her and Jared, she would have another outlet for her love. In loving Jared’s child she could love Jared. But it was clear he didn’t want another child. She’d thought he had mentioned having more kids
, but now Kate wasn’t sure.

Kate almost cried out at the pain that thought brought. Would she never know the feeling of having a child grow within her? Of nurturing a child at her breast? Of looking at a child and seeing a bit of herself there? The ache spread from her heart to her womb. Kate’s hand followed and lay against the flat of her stomach. Would it ever swell as her child grew within her?

A tear splashed on her hand as Kate stared down at herself. She shouldn’t be crying tonight. She shouldn’t be having such morose thoughts. She should be happy that her husband, who cared for her, had planned such a special time for her. It was selfish to want more.

Kate lifted her hand to wipe away the tears on her cheeks. This was the way she’d felt on her birthday. Melancholy and wanting more instead of being happy for what she did have which was far more than she’d had just a year ago.

Resolutely Kate straightened her shoulders and took one last look at the city before turning to go back into the suite. She didn’t see Jared standing there until she bumped into him.

Kate lifted her hands to steady herself and felt his bare chest smooth and hard beneath her fingers. She stared at it for a couple of seconds before looking up to meet his gaze. In the darkness she couldn’t read his expression.

“
What’s wrong, Katie?” Jared asked, his voice deep and husky.

Chapter Nine

Kate felt her heart skip a couple of beats. For a brief instant she wondered what would happen if she asked Jared if he loved her. But just as quickly Kate decided she wasn’t sure she was ready to hear the answer he might give.

Summoning up a smile, Kate gently laid her hand on Jared’s cheek. She wished he could feel the love in her touch because it was only in moments like these that she could show what was in her heart, even if she couldn’t tell him.

“
Just out here thinking what a thoughtful, caring man you are.” Kate felt the muscles beneath her fingertips shift as he smiled.

“
I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself.” Jared pulled her close. “Tomorrow we’ll have even more fun. I’ve got my credit card all warmed up so we can do some serious shopping if that tickles your fancy.”

“
Hmm, a credit card and permission to shop.” Kate worked to lighten her tone. “What more could a woman ask for?” They stood for a few more minutes together then turned to go back into the suite.

Jared lived up to his word the next morning. They slept in a bit but then headed off
to the Mall of America. Kate pushed away the worries and thoughts of the night before and just concentrated on having a good time with Jared. They walked all over the mall, stopping to do a little shopping at stores that caught their interest. The day was relaxing and carefree for both of them and it was with a bit of reluctance that they headed home.

The kids burst out of the house as soon as Jared pulled up. Kate hurried to embrace them. Even though she wouldn’t have traded a minute of her time alone with Jared, Kate was glad to be back with the children.

Darlene had a delicious
meal ready for them but declined the invitation to stay. “You just spend time together as a family. The kids missed you both.”

Dinner was a loud time as each of the older kids had something to share. Kate caught Jared’s glance and they both smiled. This was what it was all about. Kate felt a twinge of guilt at being so greedy. The kids loved and needed her. Jared cared for her. It was so much more than she had ever dreamed of having in recent years. It was surely more than she deserved, she just needed to be grateful for what she had.

*****

Dani woke cranky and feverish the next morning. Kate told Jared she was sure it wasn’t anything serious but didn’t feel comfortable exposing the other babies in the nursery to whatever Dani had in case it was contagious. Jared agreed and took the three older children to church but left Kate at home with Dani.

They were running late so missed Sunday school but made it in plenty of time for the service. Jared had never attended church without Kate before
, and he prayed the kids would behave. Especially Bry. They sat down in a pew near the back in case he had to make an exit with one of them. The service hadn’t even started and already Bry was shifting restlessly in his seat.

"Amelia?" Jared recognized the young woman speaking to his niece but couldn’t put a name to her face. "Aren’t you supposed to be junior helper in the nursery today?"

"Oh! I forgot." Amelia stood up and turned to Jared. "I’m supposed to help in the nursery, Uncle Jared. Aunt Kate usually reminds me. She must have forgotten since Dani was sick this morning."

"That’s fine. You go ahead. I’ll meet you out front after the service."

Amelia hurried after the young woman and then it was just him, Bry and Candy. Great, Jared thought wryly, he’d just lost the most well behaved one of the bunch.

The kids shifted and nudged, dropped their hymnbooks and whispered loudly. Jared tried his best to control them but breathed a big sigh of relief when they finally left with a group of other children for junior worship. Once they were gone Jared relaxed and was able to concentrate on the sermon.

At times he found it difficult to believe that he looked forward to attending church. There had been a time when darkening the door of a church meant a funeral or a wedding was taking place. Seeing the change in Jen and Steve last summer had really started him thinking. Jared was pretty sure that even if he’d not ended up meeting those missionaries he would have become a Christian through Steve and Jen’s witness.

He still struggled with the day to day realities of being a Christian but starting each day with Kate for their devotions helped a lot. Jared was very glad that it was something he shared with Kate. They had a lot more in common than he had ever realized.

The pastor’s preaching broke through his thoughts
, and Jared quickly turned his attention to the pulpit.

"Mother’s Day is next Sunday," Pastor Gregson reminded them. "I’d like to take some time today and next Sunday to talk about the ways we should be honoring the women in our lives. I’m going to be talking a lot to the men today
, but don’t relax too much, ladies. Your turn will come next month."

A light ripple of laughter swept through the congregation
.

Mother’s Day
. Jared wondered exactly how he was to celebrate that with Kate this year. Kate wasn’t really a mother any more than he was a father. The kids still called them both aunt and uncle and probably always would.

"I’d like for you all to turn to Ephesians five and we’ll start to read at verse twenty-five."

Jared found the passage and followed along as the pastor read. He couldn’t help squirming a bit at the very first phrase.
Husbands, love your wives
. It was repeated not once, but three times in the passage the pastor read.

The pastor went on to talk about giving children a loving home in which to grow. A home where love flowed freely, not just from parent to child, but from husband to wife. "Let your
children see what a loving relationship is. In a world that has skewed the word
love
to fit their purposes, show your children what true love is. Show respect for your wives so that your children will also respect her, and not just her but others they come in contact with throughout their lives. Your children are forming a picture of what a marriage should be by looking at you. What sort of example are you giving them?"