Off the Cuff (10 page)

Sweaters are an important part of any guy's wardrobe. A few sweaters will really go a long way, especially if you invest in flattering colors. (Hint: Taupey, flesh-toned colors just don't look good on anyone. Matching your clothes to your skin tone is a really bad idea.) A fine-gauge sweater is a great way to look dressed up without wearing a woven shirt or a sport coat. It's perfect for dates.

 

You should definitely have a few crewneck sweaters. The crewneck is versatile because it can look fantastic with a T-shirt or a dress shirt underneath, although I prefer a T-shirt. You should also have one or two V-neck sweaters. They're a bit harder to wear and tend to look a little guidofied, so it is crucial that they be worn with a woven shirt with a collar. A T-shirt under a V-neck is a no-no.

 

If you're feeling a little frisky, you might want to throw a cardigan or a zip-up sweater into the mix. The cardigan is not just for Fred Rogers anymore, and can actually be very chic. The important thing here is fit, fit, fit. An illfitting cardigan is the first step to homelessness.

 

Last but not least, man's best friend. No, not your right hand or your golden retriever, but the trusty turtleneck. Every man should own at least one black turtleneck. They are chic, slim, and versatile like me!

 

Sweaters are all about the fiber of which they are constructed. When you buy a sweater, you should really consider the climate in which you live and how much use you're going to get out of it. There's no color-coded fiber chart of the U.S., like they have for flower bulbs, but I think you can figure it out. If you live in Hawaii, you're not going to get much use out of those bulky fisherman knits, and linen roll-necks won't be that helpful during Michigan winters.

 

Guys know what cotton and polyester are, but you don't know yarns, so here's a little cheat sheet.

What's all the fuss about cashmere? It's as expensive as cosmetic surgery. Wait, let me think of a good straight guy analogy. Cashmere is the flat screen TV of yarns. It's the Super Bowl of sweaters.

 

Cashmere comes from a goat, imagine that. Specifically, it's from the soft belly hair of a goat from the Kashmir region of India. It's
expensive
because it takes forever for our goat friends to grow enough hair to make one sweater. It's a luxury because it's super warm and cuddly. Cashmere is cute cubed—cute, cute, cute!

 

But alas, all cashmere is not created equal. Just like beef, where you have prime, choice, and grade A, there are different quality levels of fibers. Some manufacturers use a very low-grade cashmere, so you really have to feel the quality and comparison shop a little. It's all right, cop a good feel. This is one place where you won't get sued if you touch.

This is the poor man's cashmere, a very popular and less costly alternative. Merino is actually a very high-quality, luxurious wool that comes from the merino sheep of New Zealand. They're a little bit dressier than other wool sweaters, they're a little bit cooler, and a nice alternative to the more expensive fibers. Think of your merino sweaters as baby steps on the glorious road to cashmere.

Lambswool falls in the same category as merino—it's more lightweight than regular wool and generally a little finer quality and more dressed up. Because it comes from baby sheep, the fibers are younger and softer.

You probably already know that wool comes from our little sheep friends. Natural fibers are always better because when woven into a sweater, they do exactly what the fiber intended to do in nature: keep the animal warm and wick away moisture. And they'll do the same for you, tiger.

 

When you take care of your wool sweaters, remember the wool was once a living thing. So when you're storing it, it needs room to breathe. It can't be suffocated or overheated, and needs to be cared for properly. It's kind of like your hair, which is essentially dead on the top of your head, but it's still an organic material. Of course, some of us have hair that is more dead than others'. And you know who you are.

Cotton sweaters are great, especially for those gentle readers who live in warmer states like Texas, California, and Florida. They're a good alternative because they provide warmth but are not super, super warm like cashmere or wool.

 

The care and laundering of cotton sweaters can be a bit tricky. Because they're cotton, they have a lot of flex to the fiber and can stretch out very easily. Much like your mother's breasts, gravity is not your cotton sweaters' friend. Before you know it, you have a full-blown Jennifer-Beals-in-
Flashdance
look going. This is very easy to avoid, people. If you have a shoulder showing, or have the urge to cinch your cotton sweater with a belt and wear it with leg warmers and tap shoes, it's time to get rid of it.

 

I divide my sweaters into two categories: city and country. City sweaters are lean and mean, and country sweaters are big, and chunky. The first rule of thumb is that your top and bottom halves need to match. If you're wearing a big, chunky, rugged fisherman knit sweater, your bottom needs to be rugged, too. Unlike your favorite bisexual, your country sweater doesn't go both ways. Don't wear a big fisherman's sweater with a beautiful silk-and-wool suit pant. Instead, wear it with something as casual as cargos or jeans, or dress it up with a Harris tweed blazer.

You'll also want to remember that super chunky ski sweaters and really thick fisherman knit sweaters were designed with a purpose: to keep you super warm
outdoors
. Keep in mind that in today's climate-controlled world, if you're going to be indoors, at work, shopping, or wherever, you're probably going to be too warm in one of them. They tend to be expensive because they use a lot of yarn, so invest in only one or two, because you won't have that much occasion to wear them unless you live in Maine. Otherwise, these sweaters are best left for skiing and outdoor activity, perhaps some apple picking on a brisk November morning.

There are two kinds of guys: Guys who wear suits every day, and those who wear them to weddings and funerals. No matter which kind of guy you are, and whether you have ten suits in your closet or just one, your suits should all be fantastic.

Nothing makes you feel as good, important, and powerful; and nothing makes a guy look more handsome than a good suit. Just look at Donald Trump, from the forehead down. And nothing makes a guy look more pathetic than a bad one.

 

As much as we've become a casual society, I still believe that every man absolutely needs to have a suit in his closet. Not everyone goes to fancy coming out cotillions and needs a tuxedo (shocker, I know), and not every man wears a suit to work every day anymore. But weddings, funerals, and divorce court are just part of our lives, people. And for those occasions, you're going to have to buy a suit.

 

The great thing about suits is that they hardly ever change. If you buy a good quality suit with a classic silhouette and you take proper care of it, you can have that suit for a lifetime. It's going to take a lot of cleaning and a lot of wear and tear, but you could put that suit on thirty years from now and you'll still look great—provided you have not also put on thirty pounds. Lay off the Ring Dings, would you?