Off the Cuff (8 page)

Unfortunately, there always seems to be an inverse relationship between how obese or overweight some men are and the size of their swimwear. Meaning that the bigger they are, the smaller their swimwear. Not a good idea. For just about all men, I recommend a swim trunk that comes to
mid-thigh
. Avoid the clamdigger or anything that even approaches the clamdigger, because anything that's too long will make your legs look short and stumpy. Avoid any bodyhugging spandex. And for God's sake, avoid thongs, aka the banana hammock. I don't want to see your moons over Miami.

 

Your swim trunks should be made out of a quick dry nylon with a
fixed
waistband. There's a misconception that an elastic waistband on a swimsuit will make you look slimmer. But the elastic waistband is just the pleated pants of swimwear. They'll only accentuate your waistline. But if your waistband is fixed, that means you need to make sure the trunks actually fit you. Trust me, they'll be much more flattering than looking like you have a gathered garbage bag around your waist or you're wearing a diaper. The Huggies look is so rarely the right answer on a grown man.

 

Most straight men are afraid of the bikini, as they well should be. But every once in a while you get some jackass who thinks he looks hot in a bikini. And that could ruin a day at the beach for everyone. (And you thought
Jaws
made you afraid of going in the water!) Unless you're a member of the Olympic water polo team, you own a house on Fire Island, or you're a hot Brazilian man named Sergio, the bikini should be avoided at all costs.

Let's start out with that old standby, the sport shirt. I bet you've been lying awake at night wondering, “Carson, just what is a sport shirt?” Well, a sport shirt is any kind of long- or short-sleeve woven shirt with buttons that isn't a dress shirt—it can be a linen shirt, a cotton oxford, or a dressier novelty shirt. It can sport stripes or bear gingham, paisley, whatever. Now, I know a lot of you have cotton oxfords and long-sleeve, woven button-down shirts and you think they're dress shirts. Well, they're not.

How can you tell the difference? Dress shirts will be more tailored so that they fit under a suit. They'll also be better constructed and have more intricate detailing.

Dress shirts are also made of a finer gauge of cotton. The gauge of a fiber is just like the gauge of a train track, or a shotgun. (Like I would know!) The finer the gauge, that is, the skinnier and more delicate the fiber, the dressier the shirts will look. It's just like the thread count of sheets. The really, really fine expensive sheets with a high thread count are soft and smooth, and the less expensive, lower quality ones are a little more rugged. But there's a downside to high-quality cotton. Since it's more delicate, it won't wear as well or last as long.

 

Ever since America went casual and so many men stopped wearing ties regularly, the sport shirt has become the item with which men can make a fashion statement. That's why you see a lot of people wearing striped sport shirts with jeans and loafers. I think that's a perfect date outfit. Throw on a blazer and you're golden, pony boy. Now, I love that look, but that doesn't mean you should overdo it. You shouldn't have eighty striped shirts in your closet just because that's the current trend. I say get yourself a couple and ride the wave.

 

A general rule of thumb to avoid getting into trouble with your sport shirts is to make sure they're 100 percent cotton. Two words that freak me out are “wrinkle free.” It's like Olestra. There's something about it that's just not right. Cotton with stretch? Cotton-polyester blends? Not so much. Either your shirts are cotton or they're not. It's like being a little bit gay, and we all know you can't be just a little bit gay.

 

It's really important to wear sport shirts that fit. Because of our addiction to fast food, many sport shirts are made oversized. I beg you to get the correct
size.
Your shirt should be loose enough that you can move around comfortably. It shouldn't be binding or super narrow. On the other hand, if you've been busy blasting your delts at the gym (yum!), a shirt might fit you in the shoulders yet be huge and boxy everywhere else. Sturdy and boxy is good when it comes to a Volvo to transport your baby niece Kimber, because that's precious cargo, but you don't want your sport shirts to fit like a Volvo. For just five or ten dollars, you can visit your friendly neighborhood tailor and have the shirt taken in on the side seam. You'll look more fit immediately, without even a visit to that pesky gym.

 

This brings us to another important point: Make sure you try on when shopping. People think a shirt is a shirt is a shirt. It's not. Each designer or manufacturer sizes their shirts differently. If you really can't bear to get naked in a public dressing room—no, there aren't cameras in there, get over your
Sliver
fantasy—it's perfectly acceptable to buy it, take it home, and try it on in the comfort of your own home. Then if it doesn't fit, you can make a day to go back and return it.
CAUTION:
This requires two trips to the mall. And as we all know, fossil fuels are dwindling. So why not just try it on when you're at the store? You do the math.

Now we get to the actual content of your sport shirt repertoire. One sport shirt you should absolutely have in your closet is an oxford shirt, which can work with everything from a pair of jeans to a blue blazer. I'm going to hope that you already know what an oxford shirt is: a sturdy, heavier weight pinpoint cotton weave with little buttons on the collar. The oxford shirt originated in Britain and is the backbone of British style—what we think of as classic English dressing. It came to America through prep schools and Brooks Brothers, bless their blue-blooded little hearts. If everyone in America owned a pink oxford, the world would be a much better place.

 

Everyone should also have at least one or two linen shirts in their wardrobe. They're so classic and good-looking. For the fashion impaired among you, linen is a nubbly, textured lightweight fabric made from flax. Just make sure your linen shirts are hefty enough so we don't see your nipples or your chest hair. I might like that, but let's spare the rest of America, shall we?

 

Linen will wrinkle like crazy, but it's meant to, so deal with it. I do recommend linen shirts more than linen pants, because sitting in pants you can really get some crazy wrinkles, like cat whiskers on the crotch. But that's why linen is only meant for casual settings. It's better to be all wrinkled when you're at the beach having a margarita than when you're applying to refinance your mortgage.

 

The other important thing to remember about linen is that you need to wear it between Memorial Day and Labor Day. Wearing linen when it's ten degrees out only makes you look like you have seasonal dyslexia. It's like, “Hi, how long have you had amnesia? You live in Minneapolis, not Maui.” The only exception to this rule is for our friends in California and Florida, where you can luxuriate in linen year round. Oh, happy day!

 

I also love printed novelty shirts and think everyone should have some. Go ahead, have fun, but keep the prints subtle. Your penchant for Hello Kitty does not need to be shared with the world via your clothing. Printed Hawaiian shirts have gotten so popular that I see guys wearing them everywhere. Casual Friday does not equal Hawaiian shirts, kids.