Off the Cuff (4 page)

So now that you've amassed this great library of shoes, how are you going to take care of them? It really doesn't take much. You can just literally spit shine them with a soft cloth every once and a while, in between occasional polishings, which need to be done with real, live shoe polish. You don't want to be a slave to your shoes and feel like you have to spit shine and polish them every day. This isn't the Army, people or
An Officer and a Gentleman
. Oh, don't get me started on Richard Gere. Dreamsville! Sigh.

 

Your shoes should be kept clean and dry. It's also a good idea not to wear the same pair of shoes every day. Just give them a day to breathe in between wearings and they'll stay with you a long, long time. I'm also a big fan of the shoe tree. Shoe trees are good; plastic ficus trees are bad. If you buy an expensive pair of shoes, I'm going to be very upset if you don't also invest in a pair of $8 shoe trees. When you're not wearing your shoes, trees help them keep their shape and stay fresh and dry.

 

Keeping shoes in the boxes is always the wrong answer. Your shoes are like trophies. Keep them out so you can see them. I know it's fun to hold on to the memory of that glorious day of shoe shopping, when they all came in their fresh little boxes, but keeping them cooped up doesn't allow circulation, which is really important. Everything in your closet should be able to get some air, as all natural fibers and materials need. I recommend you invest in a canvas shoe holder that just slips over your closet door. That way you can keep all of your shoes out where you can see them. If they are in the boxes, you wind up forgetting what you have and not wearing some. And that would make us both sad clowns.

THERE'S AN OLD ADAGE THAT WOMEN WHO WEAR SEXY UNDERWEAR
FEEL SEXY ALL DAY LONG. THE SAME IDEA HOLDS TRUE FOR MEN,
as long as you're not actually wearing women's underwear, that is. That's a whole other after school special. But it's true that everything you put on your body in the morning is going to affect how you feel throughout the day, and if you don't feel good about what you're wearing, it will show. So why not start out by making sure you feel good about the very first thing you'll probably put on in the morning? I mean, it's going to be up in your Kool-Aid all day, for God's sake.

Your underwear is just like my teacup Yorkie or your right hand—it's man's best friend. You want to make sure it's comfortable and it's high-quality. Pulling on those old tattered boxers with the skidmarks or an undershirt with spaghetti sauce on it from a dinner you had during your nanny years will only remind you of that crazy homeless person you saw on your way into work. I want you to aim higher.

The great thing about undergarments is that they're so very inexpensive. So unless you're on welfare, there's really no reason not to get rid of your ratty old ones and treat yourself to a
fresh
new set once a year—and you can still squander your wealth on other things! And if you are on welfare, pull yourself up by your shirttails, people.

Let's start off by dispelling the myth that it's okay not to wear any underwear at all. Freeballing is never the right answer, except maybe for models. I have one word for you:
Chafe.
And that's about as much fun as pulling off a fingernail with a pair of pliers. Not a good time.

 

No matter what kind of underwear you choose to wrap the family jewels in, it should always be 100 percent cotton. There's a reason they call it the fabric of our lives. It breathes better. It's more comfortable. It's easier to wash. Some underwear might have a little bit of Lycra or spandex to give it stretch, which is fine. Keep it to a minimum, though, because that stuff doesn't breathe as well. You might think that silk underwear is the height of cool, but it so very rarely looks hot on anyone. It usually inspires a giggle, which is not a good thing in the bedroom. So let's leave the silk undies for the ladies and for our friends in the transgendered community, shall we?

The style of underwear you choose to wear is a very personal decision. Only a few people will see you in this state of undress—your significant other, your doctor, your mom, and perhaps a few bar patrons now and then. (Well, hopefully not your mom, especially if you're over forty.) So will it be boxers or briefs? Well, I believe that boxers are best left to the young and sexy. (Think of the Abercrombie and Fitch catalog. Hold on, let me take a moment to clean myself off.) But a man in boxers who is even slightly overweight or older tends to give off a granddad, nursing home vibe. Save that look for your assisted living years.

 

Many of you might think that tighty-whitie briefs are the answer. I hate to burst your happy little bubble, but there's nothing like a grown man walking around in tightywhities to deflate your libido. The ladies know this, and so do I. Now, depending on how lucky you are, you may need extra support while you're working out or playing sports, and that might be the only time it's appropriate to don them. Don't even get me started on jockstraps. They're not underwear, so just let go of your
Vision Quest
fantasies. And as for all the so-called sexy underwear for men—thongs, the banana hammock, anything of that variety—news flash, people! They're not sexy—they're truly frightening.

What I like to recommend is a nice little hybrid number—the boxer brief. They provide excellent coverage, they keep everything nicely in place, and they look sexy on almost everyone except the morbidly obese and the manorexic.

 

In general, your underwear should be in solid, subdued colors. Underwear's not the place to get creative in your wardrobe. I like plain old white or heather gray, because those won't show up under lighter colored pants during the summer months and will be useful throughout the year. You might want a couple of pairs of black underwear for your sexier moments. I'm not going to get involved there.

 

At Christmas or Valentine's Day, you might be tempted to wear boxers adorned with reindeers, cupids, or cutesy sayings. Resist that temptation. You'll only look like a lunatic or a loser. God forbid you have an accident—try explaining those leprechauns on your boxers to the nice male nurse named Terry in the emergency room.

 

And by the way, theme underwear is out. Was it ever really in? Sure, Underoos had their moment, but you were eight. If SpongeBob SquarePants or anyone affiliated with Marvel comics appears anywhere on your underwear, please get rid of them before some unsuspecting person calls the authorities. If I find them in your underwear drawer, I might have to dial 1-800-ALARM-ME.