Off the Cuff (5 page)

Think of your undershirt as your dress shirt's little helper. When you have really beautiful quality, super luxurious cotton dress shirts (or even if you don't), you don't want to over launder them. If you wear a T-shirt underneath your dress shirt, it runs interference for you by absorbing the sweat, dirt and body oils that we all inevitably secrete. Yes, even me. By putting a nice little tee under your dress shirt, you might be able to get away with not having to launder the shirt every time you wear it, and your shirt will be your trusty friend for even longer. And it's all about friendships, you know.

 

If you want to be really chic and you don't have a lot of body hair (or pierced nipples), you don't have to wear a T-shirt, but you're going to have to launder that shirt every time.

 

I don't care what brand of undershirt you wear or whether you get them at Saks Fifth Avenue or at a store that also sells auto parts and cat litter. The only thing that matters is that they should be 100 percent cotton and should have a certain amount of heft to them. Put your hand underneath the shirt. If you can't see your hand through the fabric, that's a good gauge of quality. There are ridiculously super luxurious undershirts made of silk, but there's just no reason for that. No one is going to see them, and you're not going to know the difference. Just good old, high-quality 100 percent cotton will be soft and cuddly and you'll love me for them.

You probably already know that undershirts come with different necklines: crew neck, V-neck, and the wife beater, or the domestic partner beater as I like to call it. (You might also know it as the guinea tee. Pause for Sylvester-Stallone in-
Rocky
fantasy. Okay, then.) If you're going to be wearing a dress shirt with an open neck, I don't like to see the white ring of a crew neck T-shirt peeking out from underneath. I think it's always sexier and better looking to see bare chest. Our European friends know that, and look how they do with the ladies. So invest in some
V-neck
tees for under your dress shirts. They're perfect: You show a nice bit of clavicle, and they still protect your shirts from sweat and undo wear and tear.

 

By the way, when I say I like to see a little bare chest, I mean bare chest. I don't want to see your Viagra falls of chest hair spilling out and ruining my day. In that case, you need to become friendly with your local neighborhood waxing professional. (See chapter nine on grooming for more on what I like to call manscaping.) And just please promise me you won't ever wear a V-neck without the shirt on top of it. If you go out in a V-neck T-shirt alone, you will remain that way—alone—for the rest of the night. Perhaps for the rest of your life. Ah, loneliness. Strong medicine.

 

Though I don't like to see a crewneck T-shirt under an open woven shirt, crewnecks do lend a certain J.Crew, collegiate feel to any outfit. But if you must, crewneck tees should always be white. Gray and oatmeal are a no. They just look dirty. Crewneck tees are great for wearing under a sweater or a sport shirt. But notice I said
under
. The kind of white T-shirt you can wear with jeans and nothing else is not the same kind you find in the underwear aisle at Target for $10 a pack of three. (See chapter four for more on T-shirts.) Just wait till I get my Hanes on you if I see you wearing underwear in lieu of real clothing.

As for the domestic partner beater, these have become obsolete, and they might as well be eradicated. They fulfill no purpose as they don't cover the areas where you sweat the most, your armpits. They just make you look like a refugee from
The Sopranos
, which is a great show, but not where you should be getting your fashion inspiration. But if you absolutely must wear a domestic partner beater, please don't wear them by themselves with jeans. Not unless you're Antonio Sabato, Jr. For him I'll make an exception. While we're at it, I don't think there's a place in this world for tank tops except at the gym, where I kind of like them. In fact I encourage them. There's nothing nicer than seeing a meaty delt out on display with a darling gym ensemble.

Men seem to be eternally bewildered about what color their socks are supposed to be. It's okay. I'm here for you. First of all, it's always better to stray on the side of darker
socks
, meaning your socks can be darker than your suit. Promise me you will never, ever—
ever
—buy flesh-toned socks. You'll look like you're wearing nude pantyhose and just those three words—
nude panty hose
—give me the heebiejeebies. When in doubt, match your sock color to that of your shoes; it will create a seamless line. You don't want to match socks to pants, because you could wind up looking like you're wearing stirrup pants. Basically, if you buy yourself an army of black and brown cotton or silk dress socks, you'll be just fine. If you want to try some patterned socks, remember to keep it simple. There's nothing worse than a bold patterned suit with a patterned sock.

 

Socks can really invigorate your wardrobe. If you're wearing casual clothes, you can mix it up with argyles, herringbone, dots, whatever. Go ahead and have yourself a little party in your shoes. It can also be really festive to wear brightly colored socks—purple, red, yellow, etc.—for occasions like holiday parties, but I say that with extreme caution because this can easily backfire. And just like underwear, any kind of novelty socks (sports figures, superheroes, Valentine's cupids, Christmas trees, socks that play music, light up, etc.) are to be avoided at all costs. You should also steer clear of any sock that's provided free of charge, especially airline socks.

 

Some people like wool socks for when it's nippy out, but I think most wool socks are scratchy, hot, and tend to trap moisture. They've gone the way of the milkman. They're outdated. For the ultimate in sock luxury, you can invest in a pair of soft and cuddly cashmere socks. They'll probably run you around $150, but you didn't really need to eat much this month, did you? If you can't afford cashmere socks, you can try a merino wool sock, which is a very high-quality wool, or a wool/cashmere blend. It's almost like the real thing. Just like that nice “lady” Suzy you met at the Vince Lombardi service area on the New Jersey Turnpike! You remember her!

 

And now we come to one of the pressing questions of our times: How high should your socks be? A good quality dress sock should always be long. They shouldn't be as long as control-top panty hose, of course, but they should always be long enough to go well up to your calf. I do not want to see the gap between your sock and your pants when you cross your legs. First of all, your pants will hopefully not be that short to start with. (Clam diggers are always the wrong answer.) Your socks should also be able to stay up without Levitra. If your socks are falling down around your ankles, making you look like you have elephantiasis, or you're wondering where you can find yourself a good pair of sock garters like your great-grandfather Ebenezer wore, it's time to get new socks. High-quality socks of the proper length should come up to your calf and stay there.

 

The only exception to that rule is the athletic
sock
, which is a fluffy white cotton sock to be worn with an athletic shoe at the gym. Period. These socks should be shorter. You don't want to look like a jackass with big tall tube socks up to your knees like Kristy McNichol in
Little Darlings
. It's not 1979, people.

In most work environments, it's not just casual Friday anymore—it's casual Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. If you're not wearing a suit every day, regular pants are going to be the foundation of your wardrobe. That also means they're not the place to get crazy. You can have fun with your shirts, throw on a tie or a sweater or a snappy sport coat. That's all great. But when it comes to pants, it's always better to keep it simple.

Before we go even one step further, we need to talk about pleats. I'm on a mission to eradicate pleated pants in America. Pleats are always the wrong answer, except for a few very specific exceptions that I'll get to in a minute. I don't care who you are—short, tall, big, or small—there's never a reason for pleats, and even after seventeen gimlets, you won't convince me otherwise.

I understand why you might
think
that pleats work best for you. Here's why they don't.

The moral of the story is that a plain, flat-front pant will always look more sophisticated and cleaner than a pleated pant. Flat-fronts give a
slimming
effect—there's not as much fabric clinging and pulling. Even if you're a little overweight, it's nicer to have a nice, simple flat-front plant. It's smooth and won't draw the eye to the problem area. Also, dark colors are doubly effective at making you look more svelte.