Off the Cuff (9 page)

They're meant for vacations and barbecues, not annual stockholder meetings. I don't want to see the CEO of the International Edible Underwear Council giving a speech on the state of the industry when he looks like he works as a host at Trader Vic's. Don't get me wrong, I loved
Fantasy Island
, just not so much the fashion.

 

You'll notice that in our grand tour of the wide world of sport shirts I didn't mention flannel, much to the chagrin of our lesbian friends. I know you already have some flannel in your closet, so just promise me you'll wear it sparingly. It's just too Paul Bunyan for most guys, so step away from the flannel, people.

 

I'm also not a big fan of men in silk shirts. It's hard for guys to pull it off. Most guys wearing a silk shirt look like they're waiting for the valet to bring their IROC-Z, they're in their pajamas, or they're waiting for the next Air India flight to Bombay.

Dress shirts are the more expensive shirts you'd wear with a suit and a tie. They should be 100 percent cotton, and will be made of a dressier, smoother, more luxurious cotton than your sport shirts, since they're meant for dressier occasions.

 

If you don't wear a suit to the office every day, odds are you're not going to need that many dress shirts. Since they're expensive, there's no need to make that investment. I'd rather see you take your money and buy a cool sports shirt or a cashmere sweater. All the average guy needs is a few really
great
dress shirts, so get yourself a white one, a blue one, and maybe a stripe, and you'll be fine. Invest in quality rather than quantity.

 

Dress shirts are meant to
fit
precisely, so it's important to pay attention to sizing. If you're in doubt about your size, go to a fine quality department store or menswear store and have them measure you. A lot of people haven't been measured since they got out of high school, and they still think they're the same size. I have news for you: You're probably not.

 

The first thing to consider is
sleeve length
. When you have your suit jacket on, you want to see about one quarter inch of the shirt cuff. The cuffs should fall roughly one inch below your wrist bone. If your mom smoked during pregnancy, your arms may be longer than usual. You just have to be vigilant about getting the right size—they're out there, I promise.

 

Dress shirts are also going to fit differently in the neck from sport shirts. When you button the neck on a sport shirt, it's not going to be an authentic fit. It will be sized bigger than your neck, because it's meant to be worn open, not all buttoned up, like Miss Beadle on
Little House on the Prairie
. Dress shirts, on the other hand, are true to fit. When you button them closed to wear a tie—which is what they're meant for, people—they should fit your neck snugly. That means you should be able to easily slide two fingers inside the collar: no more, no less. If you find yourself wanting to make the international choking sign, that's not a good fit.

Now, I don't want to confuse you, but you need to know that most dress shirts are made of fine cotton that is not preshrunk like sportswear. So when you try them on for the first time, the neck may be a teeny bit large, and the sleeves may be a little long. That's okay. After about three washings, they'll shrink to the right size. You'll also find that dress shirts might be leaner in the side seams, so they're not bulky under your suit jacket. And the shirttail may be longer than a sport shirt, so it stays tucked in to your pants.

 

A lot of men seem completely lost when it comes to choosing the right kind of collar. That's okay, that's why you have me. Collars are important because your face is your art, and your collar frames your face and draws the eye upward. Find the collar type that looks best on you, and don't worry about all those rules you've read in men's magazines that say things like “If you have a long, round face, you can only wear this kind of collar.” If you have a long, round face, you need surgery. Just kidding, people. But don't worry that there's only one kind of collar that you can wear with your short, fat head. Everyone's different. There is no absolute rule, except that you should keep it in balance.

 

Now, just because you find you like the look of, say, a tab collar, you still need to have a good mix. Aside from point collars, which are very versatile and can basically be worn with everything, your collar choice should go back to the dressiness of what you're wearing with it. A spread collar, for example, is more of a dressy, suit look. The oxford button-down is more relaxed, and looks great with a blue blazer or a tweed jacket—or open with a great pair of pecs!

Polo-style knit shirts are comfortable classic standbys. If you have five of these in your closet—a black one, a white one, and a few fun colors, in a mix of short and long sleeves—you'll never go wrong. This shirt is one of the most versatile pieces of clothing in your wardrobe. Everyone looks great in a polo, and it always has a certain preppy chic sophistication that works for most occasions, as well as the casual work environment. Pair it with denim, wear it to work with khakis and a blazer, or throw one on with shorts at the beach, and you'll always look cool. I wouldn't wear one to a wedding, but to a casual dinner in the Hamptons? Absotively!

 

The polo shirt is not to be confused with the Polo shirt, as in the Ralph Lauren brand.

It's just any short-sleeve knit shirt in a style that was originally used for playing polo. It's that heritage that makes the shirt comfortable, breathable, cool, sexy, and sophisticated. Just look at where it came from, and you'll see why it's so cool. While the design of the polo shirt was perfected by Lacoste and Ralph Lauren, your knit shirts don't have to have a logo. It's really a matter of personal preference. I don't care if you're sporting the Polo pony, the Lacoste crocodile, Le Tigre or Bozo the Clown. (Okay, maybe not so much Bozo the Clown.) As long as it fits and it looks good, it doesn't matter where it's from.

 

Now a lot of people think that a polo shirt and a golf shirt are the same. They're not. The golf shirt looks like the polo shirt and is similarly constructed, but it's a very different animal,
mon frère
. The polo shirt is meant to be a little more tailored and sophisticated. I know this might come as a shock, but a golf shirt is meant for playing golf. It has a very specific function and fit, like roominess in the shoulders and waist to allow for lots of twisting in the torso. The sleeve goes to the elbow, because if you were wearing a regular polo shirt while teeing off, a lot of your arm would show. And that might not be so much fun for your fellow players. Personally, I don't golf, but I like to dress up and
pretend
I'm golfing, just so I can wear the clothes. As long as the clothes are cute, keep swinging away, people!

 

The knit shirt is also an area where the straight guy should be cautious and not fall victim to the lure of the free shirt. Why? Well, there's a reason they're free. You get what you pay for, silly!

A lot of companies give out free knit shirts with corporate logos. Bad idea. You don't want to look like you're renting shoes at a bowling alley or driving the tram to the Tinkerbell Lot at Disney World. Unless you are. And there's no shame in that, kids.

 

While it pains me greatly, I realize that some of you may have to wear these logoed knit shirts at the annual trade show or as part of your daily uniform. But don't let me catch you in them Friday after five. Like a hooker after sunup, those things better go into hiding.

There's nothing sexier than a clean, nicely broken-in, cuddly white cotton crewneck T-shirt worn with jeans, a charismatic belt, and some loafers. I think that's hot. You're done. It's so very James Dean. If you buy some well-fitted, high-quality T-shirts to wear alone or layer under other things—three in white, three in black, and three in heathered gray—that's the most bang for $7.50 a pop that you'll ever have, unless there's a trip to Thailand in your future.

 

Just like most things, I don't really care where you buy them. The Gap is fine. Old Navy is fine. As long as it's hefty, nice cotton with a well-constructed ribbed collar, it's going to look great. But once again, I'm not talking about underwear T-shirts that are sheer enough to show your nipples. Wrong answer. (See chapter two on underwear.)

 

You might also want to season your wardrobe—pepper it, if it you will—with a few novelty shirts. There's been a big vintage T-shirt craze that's swept our great nation. They're available everywhere. But what made the vintage ones great was the quirkiness of their design, the logos, the color schemes, or the quizzical commercial mottoes. When those great old designs are knocked off and reproduced en masse by major corporate retailers, they lose their panache. When every guy on the street has the same faux vintage Larry's Lube Stop tee that he bought at the mall for $18.99, it's no longer hip. So why get an imposter when you can have the real thing? A quick visit to the local Goodwill, or to a more upscale thrift store, and you can find great, broken-in, soft, cuddly vintage tees for pennies on the dollar of what you'd pay at a “full retail” store. And they're authentic, which is the key word. A good rule of thumb, by the way, is to avoid any clothing that actually says the word “authentic” on it.