Off the Cuff (18 page)

YOU CAN BE THE BEST-DRESSED GUY ON THE PLANET—AND IF YOU'VE GOTTEN THIS FAR IN THE BOOK, YOU WILL BE!—BUT IF YOU'VE
got horrendo breath, ratty hair, and nails that look like Grandpa Munster's, you're in big trouble. Here's how to make sure that doesn't happen.

If I may quote Elle Woods in
Legally Blonde
, (perhaps the finest cinematographic work of art ever created), “The rules of hair care are simple and finite.” Your hair is your crowning glory. Whether you have a ton of it or just three or four strands, you should take care that it looks well groomed. Why? Because life is too short to have bad hair. I always say you shouldn't leave the house unless your hair is perfect or close to it. Tardy, schmardy.

 

In order to have great hair, you need a great stylist. You should take as much care in finding the right hairstylist as you would in selecting a doctor. It's that important. Good haircuts do cost more money because these people are trained professionals. The good news is you don't have to spend a million dollars on your hair every time you get it cut. But once or twice a year, go to an excellent salon and get a really great cut from a true hair care professional—or HCP, if you will.

Now here's the trick: In between visits to your HCP, you can go to a good quality barber for haircuts. As long as you don't have a really tricky haircut, a barber can maintain the shape and texture of the haircut created by your HCP.

 

When you find the right cut for you, it will appear very natural. If you have curly hair, embrace the curl, don't fight it. If you have straight hair, do the same. Find the cut that naturally makes you look your best. And don't forget to maintain it. You really need to go about every five weeks for maintenance. Otherwise it's just going to lose its shape and start to look sloppy.

The hair care aisle at your local drugstore, supermarket, or high-end beauty supply boutique is treacherous territory, even for those who've been through the rigors of beauty school. There's a reason so many men fear hair products. Too much of them is a bad thing. But products are out there because they help people. I don't know how we lived without them. I ask myself this question often. Looking at photos from the days of yore, I ponder, “How
did
they do that without the benefit of gels, creams, and foaming pomades?”

 

Anyway, it's very easy to find the right products: Just leave this one to your HCP, depending on the texture, cut, weight, density, etc. of your hair. Everyone's hair is so very different that I can't make one sweeping generalization or recommend any specific line or brand. So
trust
in your HCP to set up a hair care regimen (henceforth known as HCR) specially designed just for you.

It's just a sad fact of being a man that some of us draw the short stick in the genetic lottery and lose our hair. But with hair, as with just about everything but penis size, it's all about quality not quantity. If you find yourself losing your hair, just get a good cut and go with it.

 

I can't endorse any of the common “fixes” to going bald. That bushy Krusty the Clown do with tufts on either side? You end up looking like Princess Leia or like you have earmuffs on all the time. Please don't fall victim to the lure of the combover. Combovers make me want to scream, “Hi! Your reality check bounced! You're not fooling anyone!” You'll look like “The Donald” with “The combover.” And as a general rule you don't want to look like anybody with “the” in front of their name. Think about it. The Grinch. The Hamburgler. The Joker. I rest my (attaché) case.

And whatever you do, do not let me catch you wearing a rug. Rugs are for floors. Toupee, shmoupee: It's a wig.

And wigs are just not an option. Besides, bald guys are hot. Think Telly Savalas. Hot! Bruce Willis. Hotter! Vin Diesel. Don't get me started.

 

If your hair is thinning and it's dark, a nice little trick is to get a few highlights. Please don't fear the highlights. But don't overdo them either. Too many highlights in short hair can make you look like a leopard. Way too Discovery channel.

If you're trying to avoid gray, I say, embrace it. Go with it. Don't try to cover it up. Inevitably when you try to cover it, you get that color that's too uniform and dark. You know, it's always the color of the top of a cob of corn—that rusty brown. It makes you look like you have pubic hair on your head. Damn you, Ron Popeil! So just work with it. Think of your gray as a mark of being distinguished and having great life experiences. Salt and pepper's hot. That's the hair color, not the band.

I love a little facial hair. Actually, I'd love to be able to grow some. But the hair on your face is just like the hair on your head: It needs to be well kept and well managed. You don't want to look like Abe Lincoln, Grizzly Adams, or like you own an Amish roadside vegetable stand. You also don't want to exfoliate your partner every time you make out, or transmit little mites from your scabie-licious stubble. Ahhh, scabies. Has there ever been a skin disorder so appropriately named?

 

If you're wondering about how much or how little facial hair can work for you, speak to that fabulous HCP of yours. Well-groomed facial hair can actually cover up some facial flaws or accentuate your better features. You can use sideburns to create more of a cheekbone, for instance. It's very personal, and a good stylist can help make it work for you.

 

When it comes to shaving, I only have one piece of advice: Take your time! It's not a race. Let's take a moment to think about the physics of shaving. Hmmmm. Razor-sharp blade right next to your jugular. So let's not be hasty, shall we?

 

As for shaving cream, I think it's all about quality. Some higher-end products are simply better, in my opinion. They're made from natural products like lanolin or aloe vera. Natural is almost always better. If you doubt it, riddle me this: When's the last time you slept with a trannie? But there are exceptions. If you have an inexpensive drugstore brand that works with your skin, that's great. Shaving is about getting it to stand up, lubricating it, and then stroking gently. “It” means your facial hair, but this is a process with which I'm sure you're well acquainted

Once you've dealt with the hair on your head and your face, I recommend you use a nose hair clipper to get rid of any additional hair coming out of orifices or pores, whether it's the ear, nose, or ass crack. As for the brows, I don't want to see them plucked and tweezed like Joan Crawfords. They don't have to be perfectly formed. They shouldn't be shaved. They just shouldn't be connected all the way across like a Bering Strait you can walk right over.
Waxing
can be your friend. Don't be afraid.

 

And now we get to my least favorite, the hairy back. A little bit of hair back there is not the end of the world, but if you're at the beach and people are complimenting you on your sweater and you're not wearing one, we've got a back hair situation, people. I call this profusion of body hair “Mangora.” You could shave it, but this would require a partner. What are you doing Tuesdays at eleven? Right after your favorite show ends on Bravo? Otherwise, just get thee to a waxer. Pronto.

There's a reason women age better than their husbands. It's because they know how important it is to take care of their skin. Since many men work in grueling physical environments like extreme heat, cold, or sun, all preventive measures must be taken to protect your favorite organ ... your skin. Did you know that your skin is the largest organ of your body? It is. Don't flatter yourself.

 

I don't know why so many men neglect their skin care. Hello! It's your face. And it's really okay these days to care about your skin. It's just like taking care of your car. You wash it, you buff it, you wax it—otherwise known as cleanse, exfoliate, and moisturize.

 

Why cleanse? Because there's tons and tons of grime and buildup that accumulates in your pores as you go about your daily routine. You're exposed to outside pollutants, city dirt and grime, and natural oils. A good test for that: If your pillow is dirty, you've probably got dirty skin. Or you're into some kinky bedroom fantasies I don't even want to know about.

 

You basically want to keep the skin clean, but you don't want to strip it or scrub it down to the bone. So you use a mild cleanser formulated for your skin type: oily, dry, or combination. I recommend cleansing in the morning as part of your morning routine and then again when you go to bed, to remove that full day's buildup. To keep it simple, keep your facial cleanser in the shower, so you don't need to add an extra step to your daily routine. And besides, it's fun taking care of business in the shower.