Off the Cuff (21 page)

Here's a handy guide to get you started on color basics. People with fair skin, light hair, blue eyes, and soft features (You know, cute like me!) look great in soft pastels: pale pink, pale blue, ivory, lavender. We don't always look good in black. Don't be afraid of pastels. Remember, wearing pink doesn't make you gay. And if you have blue eyes, wearing bright blues just intensifies them. It's the next best thing to getting laid.

 

If you're one of our dark and swarthy friends—mmmm my favorite!—and have strong features, you generally look great in strong colors: black, chocolate brown, warm orange, aubergine (That's French for eggplant!) The darker your skin, the more you can get away with wearing those bright reds and yellows and oranges.

 

What if you're stuck in the middle, with mousy brown hair and medium-tone skin? Life's not so bad, my friend! Put those pills down. You can wear any color under the sun, including those yummy muted earth tones like English khaki, taupe, and my favorite, loden green.

Just like finding your colors, dressing for your body type is so very personal. God made you unique, just like everybody else! You have to experiment to see what works best for your body's proportions and shapes. If you're shaped like a pear, you've got bigger problems than knowing what to wear.

 

All this mumbo jumbo about what you should do for a round face, square face, etc. is preposterous. Everybody's shaped differently—like snowflakes! You're really going to have to experiment. Contrary to what most people say, unless you're rocking a body like Jabba the Hutt, loose-fitting clothes are rarely the right answer. But you don't want to look like a human hot dog, either. You just want clothes that fit your body.

 

One good general rule, though, is that if you're on the large side, you should wear more subdued colors and patterns. Because when viewing them, your eye doesn't have a reference point as to scale. If I see a large man wearing a rose print, and I can count at least a hundred roses on his shirt, I know enough to hide my Twinkies. If he's just wearing black, my eye doesn't have anything to compare it to, so he'll look more proportionate and less overwhelming.

When you've finally found your personal style, having the right attitude and confidence will be the cherry on top of the proverbial sundae.

 

So how do you get there? Well, it helps to be
inspired
. And that doesn't mean you have to watch the Style Network twenty-four hours a day or jet off to Milan twice a year for fashion week. (See sidebar, below.) It could mean going to museums, where you might see a painting that has certain colors that appeal to you. You might see the interior of a high-end car—and the leather and piping might inspire you to buy a cool leather jacket. It could mean buying the Italian fashion magazine
L'Uomo Vogue
once a year, which is the
Sports Illustrated
of clothing. It could be looking through a book about motorcycles and seeing pictures of authentic motorcycle gear. All those things are inspiring. I'm not saying you're going to put on a whole head-to-toe motorcycle getup, because you'll look like some jackass NASCAR mascot. But something you see might inspire you to take your style to the next level, to put it in a new light and really have fun.
That,
and not the Hokey Pokey, is what it's all about. It also helps to have a fashion role model who already has it altogether. You know, like me! Start looking around. The world is filled with great sources of fashion inspiration . One great resource is your local Blockbuster. No, not the uniform, silly.
Movies
are full of men whose style is worth emulating—Cary Grant, James Dean, Steve McQueen, Pierce Brosnan. Rent the original
Thomas Crown Affair
and see what Steve McQueen could do with a blue blazer. Rent
Ocean's Eleven
and see how a tuxedo should be worn. Rent
On the Waterfront
or Rebel Without a Cause (or
Grease
!) and see why a classic motorcycle jacket is always the right answer. Rent
The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert
, just for giggles!

Or just go to the record store. Look at Lenny Kravitz or Tim McGraw and see how they pull together a look that works for them. Think about what they're wearing, why it looks cool, and what about it might inspire you. Once again, I'm not talking about copying an outfit down to the exact number of wrinkles in the socks; I'm talking about using that outfit to spark something, to stir something deep within you. A fashion chubby, if you will.

 

News flash: Buying fashion magazines doesn't make you gay. Wallpapering your bedroom with the Abercrombie & Fitch catalog makes you gay. If you were looking to invest in a new car, you'd go out and buy
Motor Trend
to get some ideas, wouldn't you? If you're going to invest in a suit or a new fall wardrobe, you should do the same thing: Buy yourself a copy of
GQ, Esquire
, or
Cargo
. Pay attention to details. Tear out pages with looks that you like. If you're not confident enough to go out and get them on your own, build a relationship with a salesperson you trust at a store with a good reputation. Bring the salesperson the tear sheets and say, “Do you have something like this?” or “Where can I find this?” and he or she will be happy to help you. That person will want your repeat business and won't steer you in the wrong direction.

The road to fabulosity can be a long and arduous—but ultimately satisfying—journey. It might, however, involve some shopping. And a lot of straight men—egads!—just don't like to shop.

 

Why not? In our culture, it's women, not men, who are taught to do the shopping. They go grocery shopping, they go clothes shopping, and they learn how to navigate the retail landscape of this great land of ours. So they are just more comfortable with it and efficient at it. If you had no idea how to operate a car and were asked to get on I-95, you would be petrified, too.

 

Shopping is uncharted territory for a lot of men, a place where they feel uneducated. And we all know men don't like being out of control. It's straight out of
Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
. Men like things to be organized and in order. And nowadays shopping is not organized and well ordered. Department stores are crazy and the Internet is huge. It seems very chaotic, and men don't like that. They don't have the vocabulary and the training to articulate what they're looking for and find it efficiently.