Off the Cuff (20 page)

 

The best rule of thumb I can give you is that it's always better to be over
dressed
than underdressed. If you're not sure if the event requires a tie, bring one with you and scope out the scene. You can always put the tie on if it's required, or leave it in your pocket, bag, or glove compartment if it's not. Not having a tie in a situation where one is called for is bad news. It's like showing up at a black tie wedding in a suit or at a job interview in sweatpants.

 

If you're on a date or you're proposing to someone, you want to show you care.

Make an effort. If you're going to church, dress up a little. It's God's house, people. If you're a guest at a wedding, it's about respecting someone's special day. If I may paraphrase Sergio Valente, how you look on the outside tells the world how you feel on the inside.

Job interviews are a fashion no-brainer, people. You wear a suit to a job interview unless you're interviewing with the department of sanitation. No shame in that game, by the way, but you just won't need a suit. And as we learned in chapter five, unless you're something like the Nell character from the Jodie Foster movie, you will own one good quality suit for just such an occasion.

 

When it comes to the workplace, my good friend Ted Allen—one of my peeps—says you always want to dress for the job that you want, not the job you have. Dressing below your job rank will only make people in your human resources department question themselves: “Hmmm. Look at those pleated khakis and that Muppets tie. Is Bob really CEO material? Maybe he'd be better in the mailroom.”

 

Now, if you work in the kind of environment where you would get laughed at for wearing a suit, that doesn't mean you should come in wearing gym clothes for that big presentation. There is such a thing as high-quality casual clothing. How about a V-neck merino sweater, a crisp white shirt, flat-front dress trousers, a beautiful belt, and a great looking watch? People will think, “He looks great and has really taken the time to prepare for this.” Well-constructed garments don't have to look dressy to look sophisticated. Call it casual power dressing.

Nothing strikes as much fear into the average guy's heart as being invited to a black tie event. Well, nothing except impotence, that is. Relax. Not many of us have the opportunity to wear formal wear very often. It's really just for very special occasions. Unless you're a debutante (in which case I'm jealous) or an executive at a Fortune 500 company, your social calendar is unlikely to be chock-full of black tie events. But the occasional black tie wedding or benefit does fall into many men's lives, so you might as well be prepared.

 

The funny thing is that formal wear is probably the least frightening of all fashion situations because you really don't have too many choices or options. It's almost like a uniform. It's as easy as black and white. Here, more than anywhere, I urge you to remember: Keep it simple, sister. If you are not someone who needs more than one formal outfit, buy yourself one classic black tuxedo with a peaked lapel jacket. Look no further. Nothing makes you look more like a movie star.

 

Notice how I said
buy
yourself a tuxedo, not
rent
yourself a tuxedo? I know, you're frightened. You're lost. But a rented tuxedo is the worst thing I can think of other than nuclear holocaust. That thing is caked in DNA, trust me. Do you know how many proms it's been to? It's a vessel, a conduit if you will, for the aromas of all former wearers. I suggest you visit a discount clothier and drop the $500 to $1000 for a quality tuxedo instead. Even if you go to only five formal events in your entire lifetime, it will have almost paid for itself. And there's really no price you can put on looking that much cooler.

 

If renting is really your only option, you should rent only what I'm about to prescribe: a very classic tuxedo in simple black and white. Don't let them talk you into the matching lavender cummerbund and bow tie. Before you know you'll be into show tunes.

 

So here's what a classic tux looks like from top to bottom. It's very, very,
very
simple. We start with that classic peaked lapel jacket in black, right?

 

THE TUXEDO SHIRT
should be a white shirt with a simple point collar, not a wing tip or you'll look like a bartender on the Love Boat. Do I even need to say it doesn't have ruffles?

 

I also hear that there is a vast conspiracy in the wedding industry to force grooms to wear ivory tux shirts if their brides are wearing ivory dresses, in order to keep those ivory gowns from appearing “dirty” by contrast. And while our friends in the rental tuxedo industry might really have your best interests in mind, this is ridiculous. Black tie is about black and white and no other colors. Period. You are never going to see enough of the shirt to cause a clash, and besides, you're a bride and groom, not Raggedy Ann and Andy. You're marrying each other, which is great, but that doesn't mean you're in for a lifetime of color coordinating your clothes. [Matching was good for the prom, but for your wedding,] it's time to move on.

 

THE STUDS
should
coordinate
with your cuff links. They can be sterling silver, onyx, lapis, or inexpensive silk knots. Studs really finish the whole look off. You don't want to go too crazy with studs or you'll look like Liberace. Think simple, demure, understated. No one should be able to see your studs from across the room.

 

THE TIE:
Lately you've probably seen lots of celebrities pairing tuxedos with long ties, and that can look very handsome. But for the average guy, keeping it as simple and classic as possible is always the right answer, so I recommend a bow tie with a tux. You'll just never be wrong.

 

I'm talking about a black grosgrain bow tie that you've tied yourself. A premade bow tie only tells the world of your secret desire to be a catering waiter. It just screams rented. You can wear the most expensive, glorious, custom-made tuxedo, but if you slap on a clip-on bow tie, you might as well tape a sign on your head that says “loser.” Oh, and the tie is
black
, folks. Colored ties might have worked for your prom, but so did that Flock of Seagulls haircut. Would Cary Grant wear a dusty rose or burgundy bow tie? I think, um,
knot
.

 

THE VEST:
Personally, I think a vest is unnecessary. It's not improper, but when we think about tuxedos, we should think about those role models who've worn them so well: men like Cary Grant and the cast of
Ocean's Eleven
. And that means just a clean, sophisticated tuxedo with white shirt, black tie, and black cummerbund. Any time it gets tricky with vests or whatever, you could very easily look like you're going to the prom on
Beverly Hills, 90210
. And we don't want Shannen Doherty on our bad side, now do we?

 

THE POCKET SQUARE
is white silk. Simple enough.

 

THE CUMMERBUND,
like the tie, is also made of grosgrain, and the pleats go facing up. That's because they were originally meant to catch crumbs or hold opera tickets. Oh, and by the way? There's only one b in “cummerbund” people. It's Cum. Mer. Bund. Now is that so hard to remember? (Isn't that naughty?)

 

BRACES:
I really like braces with a tux. (And I prefer the British term—braces—which seems more elegant and formal, and refers to something that buttons on the back of your pants.) Since you're not wearing a belt, if your tuxedo pants don't fit perfectly, you may want to wear braces. It's the one part of a tuxedo that you can actually have a little fun with, because braces will often have patterns woven into them, much like a novelty tie. Like wedding food, let's just hope it's tasteful.

 

THE CUFF LINKS
should coordinate with the studs. Understated is fine, or you could get nutty and choose larger, more conspicuous cuff links. They could even be a little whimsical: hot and cold water faucets, horseshoes, whatever. Anything but a cartoon character, really.

 

THE PANTS
are flat-front with a stripe down the side made of satin or grosgrain that matches the trim on the lapels. That stripe is known as a satin braid, but it's not actually a braid. Go figure. It's one of life's great mysteries. That and Stonehenge.

 

THE SOCKS
are black silk dress socks. They will feel like women's panty hose. I know you'll pretend not to like it. But secretly, inside, you do!

 

THE SHOES
are patent leather lace-up dress shoes. Velvet slippers if you absolutely must. (See chapter one.)

 

If you go to more than three or four formal events a year, you can have a little fun and switch things up. Maybe you throw in a fun scarf, or different cuff links or sophisticated braces, but this is not for amateurs.

 

If you have more than one tux, you can throw a white dinner jacket into the mix. They're stylish and chic, in that very Rock Hudson/Cary Grant/James Dean kind of way. If you really want to be daring, try a colored dinner jacket. I have a beautiful pink tropical-weight wool dinner jacket I wore to the Golden Globes. But for the one-tuxedo guy, black and classic it is. I'm queer, are you clear?

Tuxedos are worn to formal events held after six o'clock in the evening. If you get an invitation for a black tie event before six, send me the names of the hosts. I'll “shoot 'em an e-mail.” Or I'll just shoot 'em.

 

If the invitation says “black tie optional,” you can wear a dark suit with a tie, but you run the risk of looking like somebody's security detail. Sure, it's technically proper to wear a suit, but everyone might look at you and wonder, “Who's the loser who doesn't own a tuxedo?”

 

I don't get “black tie preferred,” either. It's either black tie or it's not. Give people some direction, for God's sake. If black tie is “preferred” and you show up in a dark suit, does that mean you won't get the best hors d'oeuvres or something?

 

And if the invitation says “creative black tie,” ugh! Those are three words that need to be eradicated. Black tie is just not a place to get creative. Let's leave that to Fantasy Thursdays in the privacy of your own bedroom.

When it comes to dressing appropriately for the season, there are certain hard and fast (giggle) rules you need to follow. I've covered these already, but it can't hurt to reiterate them. No wearing white after Labor Day. Linen is for spring and summer unless you live in southern California or Florida. You only wear flannel in fall and winter, and I'm talking about gray flannel trousers, not Paul Bunyan flannel work-shirts, which you shouldn't be wearing
ever
. Open-toed shoes like sandals and flip-flops are only worn from Memorial Day through Labor Day, please. Seersucker is strictly summer only. And white Cadillacs? Never.

 

For anything beyond that, it's simply a question of “are you comfortable?” You shouldn't be wearing a cashmere turtleneck in August, unless you're in the southern hemisphere. Global warming notwithstanding, you shouldn't be wearing Bermuda shorts in Manhattan in the middle of January. That's just basic common sense, kids.

I always thought people just “got” it when it came to knowing what colors looked good on them. Until I started dressing clueless straight men for a living. I would say, “Why wouldn't you wear this color?” And they'd say, “Oh, I don't know.”

 

Color is so personal and there is so much out there—just
experiment
with it. I'm not going to force you to go have your color analysis done. (I'm a summer, by the way.) But it's really true that there are basic concepts to guide you. Avoid colors of 1970s appliances given away on
The Price Is Right
—you know, harvest gold and avocado. That should keep you out of trouble. And be especially careful about the colors you put around your face. If you have fair skin and you wear very bright colors, the clothes are going to suck the color right out of you. Looking like you have jaundice is so rarely the right answer.