Off the Cuff (22 page)

The ironic thing for me is that so many straight men hate shopping, but they can sit in trees all day waiting for a deer to scamper across their path and shoot it. Shopping is like hunting or sports: You've got a goal. You've got a barrier. (Bad credit!) You've got people on your team. You've got opponents. You've got coaches. You've got cheerleaders—well one, that's me. What, you didn't recognize me with the pom-poms? You've got men in tight spandex pants. Well maybe if you go to Barneys you'll see a couple. But they're not on your team, they're on mine.

 

Anyway, if you know how to
navigate
the system, shopping is much easier and quicker and you get better results. It doesn't have to be painful. It can be fun, enjoyable, and productive, it can save you money, and it can make you look better. Best of all, you can have lunch while you're at it. So let's empower you to be a better shopper, shall we?

Shopping in five easy steps:

Looking good is not about the price tag. But I won't lie: Shopping on a shoestring is not as easy as shopping on an endless budget; you just have to be smart about it.

 

Here's my theory about bargain shopping. You can find deals in any area of your wardrobe. If you want a bargain suit or shoes, you can find them. But I'd rather see you buy good quality brands and materials, even if you have to hunt for them on sale, rather than buy cheap things at full retail.

 

If you've got the time—perhaps you're unemployed and have nothing else to fill up your day—you can dig around and find good things almost anywhere, even at those cheesy mall stores with shiny double-breasted lavender suits in the window. But in my opinion, you would be better served to go to a store where you know they have clothes that are well constructed, well made, and flattering. Finding bargains

can sometimes be a little bit like a scavenger hunt, and you have to be more of an expert to know what you're looking for. You're going to spend less money, but you're also going to spend more time and effort looking. The luxury of spending more money is that it doesn't take as much time to walk into a place like Bergdorf Goodman and say, “I'll take that, that and, oh!, that.” Money for time is a totally viable trade-off. God, I sound like an economics major.

 

There are some stores with a reputation for having good quality clothes at seriously discounted prices: national chains like T.J.Maxx, Marshalls, Filene's, Loehmann's, or New York's gem, Century 21. Here are three quick tips for shopping at places like these:

 

Another great resource not to be overlooked is consignment shops and resale places, where they have designer clothing that may be a season or two old. Shhh! No one's going to know. You can get a great deal, like a Gucci jacket half off. They're only lightly worn. Don't worry. You won't find Monica Lewinsky's blue dress. That's over at the Gap world headquarters.

 

Thrift stores can also be a gold mine—as much as it pains me to use the word thrift. Just know that there's a difference between
vintage
clothing and
thrift
. At a thrift store like a Goodwill, you're going to have to wade through mounds of skanky clothing to find those hidden treasures. But at a more upscale vintage clothing store, they've already waded through the junk and narrowed it down for you. Obviously prices will be higher at a vintage store than at a thrift store.

 

Regardless of the store, you want to really look at construction and fabric content, because there are some really cool designs from the fifties, sixties and seventies. However, this was the heyday of Dacron, so beware of clothes that seem to be made of old lawn furniture. Look for things that are real cotton, silk, or wool, and try everything on because sizing and fit in earlier eras were very different from today. A small in 1970 does not a small in 2004 make.

And lastly, the most important piece of advice: Wash it, wash it, and wash it again. Clothing can host mold and mildew and harbor all kinds of strange and mysterious odors. If you wash it with one cup of white vinegar, it will remove some of that thrift store fragrance—you know, the one that smells like old lady feet or the interior of a 1974 Dodge Dart.

NOW THAT YOU'VE GOTTEN THIS FAR, I BET YOU'RE WONDERING, “CARSON, JUST WHAT WOULD THE WORLD LOOK LIKE IF STRAIGHT
men were good little lambs and followed your fashion advice?”

 

Well, people, it would be a beautiful thing. The world would look like everyone was a sales associate at Neiman Marcus. No, wait, that could be hellish. Scratch that.

 

It would be a yummy world of color and cashmere, of friendly hellos and twinkles in the eye from knowing we all looked and felt our best. Everyman would find a style that worked for him and wouldn't be afraid to embrace who he really is, even if it meant wearing stripes in a paisley world. The GNP would soar, and we'd all be like one big Benetton ad, with everybody united in peace, harmony, and couture.

 

It would be a world without hockey jerseys, except on hockey players. (But they would fit tighter!). Sweatpants hiked up to your knees would be eradicated. White Reebok hightops would be banished, never to be seen again. Mock turtlenecks would be a thing of the past. Little children would say things like “What is this mock turtleneck you speak of, Father?” or “Daddy, tell me again about the olden days of yore when people used to wear Coogi sweaters and Cavariccis.” And the answer would come. “Oh, son, that was a long, long time ago and the world was a dark, scary, ugly, evil place. But then along came a fairy godstylist named Carson Kressley, and he changed all of that . . .”