Off the Cuff (17 page)

 

Casual belts are where you can really have fun. There's a great selection of cool casual belts available in leather, nylon, grosgrain, etc. I love old western belts and buckles or those with cool logos or your name on them. They look fantastic with denim. And you can throw in some whimsical ribbon belts for summer. You can also find cool military-inspired vintage belts at thrift stores, vintage shops, or army surplus stores.

 

Just for the record, you may have seen me wear a belt with a pair of pants that did-n't actually have belt loops—say, sweatpants. That is definitely not for amateurs. Do as I say, not as I do. There are some things Mother just can't explain.

This will be admittedly brief. Who really wears suspenders anymore? The Amish, yes. Really weird people with no lives who attend
Mork and Mindy
conventions, yes. Most sane people, no.

 

I do think suspenders are so cool, though. They look really sophisticated with a suit or a tuxedo. (And by the way—you're buying that tuxedo, not renting, right? See chapter Nine.) Suspenders should be made of silk, grosgrain, or fine cotton webbing, but they can also be made of braided leather. With a finely tailored suit where the pants are constructed with side tabs and no belt loops, they add a certain Wall Street panache. I think of Michael Douglas as Gordon Gekko. Since you don't see them too often, I think they make for a really special look.

 

Suspenders should never be worn with anything else but a suit or a tuxedo. Otherwise it's way too
What's Happening!!
Never wear a belt when you wear suspenders, and for God's sake, don't clip them on to jeans.

Just like all of your other accessories, the bags you use to haul your stuff around in can add a lot of flair and personality to your look. Here are a few basic bags you shouldn't be without.

1.
The “man bag” or “murse.” Most guys carry a lot of stuff to and from work, including a laptop and files. You don't want to carry it around in ShopRite bags or you'll look like a homeless person. You need a good-looking carryall. Not Kitty Carryall, doll.

2.
The athletic or gym bag. If you're going to carry your gym bag to and from work every day, please don't let it be one you got free with a bottle of cologne, a deposit at your bank, or your tenth oil change at Jiffy Lube. The giveaway bag is like the free T-shirt. It's free! So there's a reason it looks that way. Just store it in a box marked “yard sale.” A gym bag should be stylish—something sleek, black, and nylon, with logos kept to a minimum. Carrying a dumpy free bag is just like putting a bad raincoat over a great look. It's a buzzkill. It can ruin National Coming Out Day for everyone!

3.
The weekender bag. In this day and age, most people aren't going on really long vacations; they're taking shorter trips and weekend getaways. And while it saddens me that the Louis Vuitton steamer trunk has gone the way of the Edsel, that means that you'll need a good weekend bag.

There's nothing sadder than noticing a hot guy at the airport and then seeing him retrieve a bag from the carousel that's covered with teal and lime green oversized tapestry flowers straight from the Cindy Brady collection.
Handsome
luggage is important. I'm not sure why the worst dressed people in the world are always at the airport. Just don't be one of them. You're traveling, not cleaning out your basement or getting an MRI.

 

Good luggage can be expensive, but remember you're probably never going to go on safari for a month, so your luggage needs are actually pretty modest. Register for it when you get married! Or just invest in one good quality suitcase and one high-quality garment bag with lots of storage compartments. If you also have a leather weekend bag, you really don't need much more. When shopping for luggage, keep in mind that larger items that need to be checked through your friendly airport baggage handling system might not receive the greatest of care, and should be as durable as possible. Remember the American Tourister gorilla? You should be so lucky.

I don't think it's even that crucial to have a matched set of luggage; great-looking pieces that look better on their own are more important. How often do you really run around carrying all of your luggage at once? Unless you're costarring with Bette Davis in some 1930s movie about star-crossed lovers and ocean travel, you should be fine.

 

Modern luggage is not only great because it looks good, but because it has this amazing feature: I don't know if they're new, but they're called “wheels.” I'm always amazed that there are people who still haven't caught on to the wheeled luggage phenomenon and are carting around old buckled suitcases with huge Naugahyde handles that look like they came from the Sanford and Son's estate sale. Hernias are
so
not cute. Also keep in mind that if there's duct tape anywhere on it, or it needs to be closed with the help of a bungee cord or strap, it should be tossed.