Poems 1962-2012 (14 page)

a tribe without a future.

I watch the children draw: my son, her daughter.

We used soft chalk, the disappearing medium.

CELESTIAL MUSIC

I have a friend who still believes in heaven.

Not a stupid person, yet with all she knows, she literally talks to god,

she thinks someone listens in heaven.

On earth, she's unusually competent.

Brave, too, able to face unpleasantness.

We found a caterpillar dying in the dirt, greedy ants crawling over it.

I'm always moved by weakness, by disaster, always eager to oppose vitality.

But timid, also, quick to shut my eyes.

Whereas my friend was able to watch, to let events play out

according to nature. For my sake, she intervened,

brushing a few ants off the torn thing, and set it down across the road.

My friend says I shut my eyes to god, that nothing else explains

my aversion to reality. She says I'm like the child who buries her head in the pillow

so as not to see, the child who tells herself

that light causes sadness—

My friend is like the mother. Patient, urging me

to wake up an adult like herself, a courageous person—

In my dreams, my friend reproaches me. We're walking

on the same road, except it's winter now;

she's telling me that when you love the world you hear celestial music:

look up, she says. When I look up, nothing.

Only clouds, snow, a white business in the trees

like brides leaping to a great height—

Then I'm afraid for her; I see her

caught in a net deliberately cast over the earth—

In reality, we sit by the side of the road, watching the sun set;

from time to time, the silence pierced by a birdcall.

It's this moment we're both trying to explain, the fact

that we're at ease with death, with solitude.

My friend draws a circle in the dirt; inside, the caterpillar doesn't move.

She's always trying to make something whole, something beautiful, an image

capable of life apart from her.

We're very quiet. It's peaceful sitting here, not speaking, the composition

fixed, the road turning suddenly dark, the air

going cool, here and there the rocks shining and glittering—

it's this stillness that we both love.

The love of form is a love of endings.

FIRST MEMORY

Long ago, I was wounded. I lived

to revenge myself

against my father, not

for what he was—

for what I was: from the beginning of time,

in childhood, I thought

that pain meant

I was not loved.

It meant I loved.

THE WILD IRIS (1992)

FOR

KATHRYN DAVIS

MEREDITH HOPPIN

DAVID LANGSTON

FOR

JOHN AND NOAH

THE WILD IRIS

At the end of my suffering

there was a door.

Hear me out: that which you call death

I remember.

Overhead, noises, branches of the pine shifting.

Then nothing. The weak sun

flickered over the dry surface.

It is terrible to survive

as consciousness

buried in the dark earth.

Then it was over: that which you fear, being

a soul and unable

to speak, ending abruptly, the stiff earth

bending a little. And what I took to be

birds darting in low shrubs.

You who do not remember

passage from the other world

I tell you I could speak again: whatever

returns from oblivion returns

to find a voice:

from the center of my life came

a great fountain, deep blue

shadows on azure seawater.

MATINS

The sun shines; by the mailbox, leaves

of the divided birch tree folded, pleated like fins.

Underneath, hollow stems of the white daffodils, Ice Wings, Cantatrice; dark

leaves of the wild violet. Noah says

depressives hate the spring, imbalance

between the inner and the outer world. I make

another case—being depressed, yes, but in a sense passionately

attached to the living tree, my body

actually curled in the split trunk, almost at peace, in the evening rain

almost able to feel

sap frothing and rising: Noah says this is

an error of depressives, identifying

with a tree, whereas the happy heart

wanders the garden like a falling leaf, a figure for

the part, not the whole.

MATINS

Unreachable father, when we were first

exiled from heaven, you made

a replica, a place in one sense

different from heaven, being

designed to teach a lesson: otherwise

the same—beauty on either side, beauty

without alternative— Except

we didn't know what was the lesson. Left alone,

we exhausted each other. Years

of darkness followed; we took turns

working the garden, the first tears

filling our eyes as earth

misted with petals, some

dark red, some flesh colored—

We never thought of you

whom we were learning to worship.

We merely knew it wasn't human nature to love

only what returns love.

TRILLIUM

When I woke up I was in a forest. The dark

seemed natural, the sky through the pine trees

thick with many lights.

I knew nothing; I could do nothing but see.

And as I watched, all the lights of heaven

faded to make a single thing, a fire

burning through the cool firs.

Then it wasn't possible any longer

to stare at heaven and not be destroyed.

Are there souls that need

death's presence, as I require protection?

I think if I speak long enough

I will answer that question, I will see

whatever they see, a ladder

reaching through the firs, whatever

calls them to exchange their lives—

Think what I understand already.

I woke up ignorant in a forest;

only a moment ago, I didn't know my voice

if one were given me

would be so full of grief, my sentences

like cries strung together.

I didn't even know I felt grief

until that word came, until I felt

rain streaming from me.

LAMIUM

This is how you live when you have a cold heart.

As I do: in shadows, trailing over cool rock,

under the great maple trees.

The sun hardly touches me.

Sometimes I see it in early spring, rising very far away.

Then leaves grow over it, completely hiding it. I feel it

glinting through the leaves, erratic,

like someone hitting the side of a glass with a metal spoon.

Living things don't all require

light in the same degree. Some of us

make our own light: a silver leaf

like a path no one can use, a shallow

lake of silver in the darkness under the great maples.

But you know this already.

You and the others who think

you live for truth and, by extension, love

all that is cold.

SNOWDROPS

Do you know what I was, how I lived? You know

what despair is; then

winter should have meaning for you.

I did not expect to survive,

earth suppressing me. I didn't expect

to waken again, to feel

in damp earth my body

able to respond again, remembering

after so long how to open again

in the cold light

of earliest spring—

afraid, yes, but among you again

crying yes risk joy

in the raw wind of the new world.

CLEAR MORNING

I've watched you long enough,

I can speak to you any way I like—

I've submitted to your preferences, observing patiently

the things you love, speaking

through vehicles only, in

details of earth, as you prefer,

tendrils

of blue clematis, light

of early evening—

you would never accept

a voice like mine, indifferent

to the objects you busily name,

your mouths

small circles of awe—

And all this time

I indulged your limitation, thinking

you would cast it aside yourselves sooner or later,

thinking matter could not absorb your gaze forever—

obstacle of the clematis painting

blue flowers on the porch window—

I cannot go on

restricting myself to images

because you think it is your right

to dispute my meaning:

I am prepared now to force

clarity upon you.

SPRING SNOW

Look at the night sky:

I have two selves, two kinds of power.

I am here with you, at the window,

watching you react. Yesterday

the moon rose over moist earth in the lower garden.

Now the earth glitters like the moon,

like dead matter crusted with light.

You can close your eyes now.

I have heard your cries, and cries before yours,

and the demand behind them.

I have shown you what you want:

not belief, but capitulation

to authority, which depends on violence.

END OF WINTER

Over the still world, a bird calls

waking solitary among black boughs.

You wanted to be born; I let you be born.

When has my grief ever gotten

in the way of your pleasure?

Plunging ahead

into the dark and light at the same time

eager for sensation

as though you were some new thing, wanting

to express yourselves

all brilliance, all vivacity

never thinking

this would cost you anything,

never imagining the sound of my voice

as anything but part of you—

you won't hear it in the other world,

not clearly again,

not in birdcall or human cry,

not the clear sound, only

persistent echoing

in all sound that means goodbye, goodbye—

the one continuous line

that binds us to each other.

MATINS

Forgive me if I say I love you: the powerful

are always lied to since the weak are always

driven by panic. I cannot love

what I can't conceive, and you disclose

virtually nothing: are you like the hawthorn tree,

always the same thing in the same place,

or are you more the foxglove, inconsistent, first springing up

a pink spike on the slope behind the daisies,

and the next year, purple in the rose garden? You must see

it is useless to us, this silence that promotes belief

you must be all things, the foxglove and the hawthorn tree,

the vulnerable rose and tough daisy—we are left to think

you couldn't possibly exist. Is this

what you mean us to think, does this explain

the silence of the morning,

the crickets not yet rubbing their wings, the cats

not fighting in the yard?

MATINS

I see it is with you as with the birches:

I am not to speak to you

in the personal way. Much

has passed between us. Or

was it always only

on the one side? I am

at fault, at fault, I asked you

to be human—I am no needier

than other people. But the absence

of all feeling, of the least

concern for me—I might as well go on

addressing the birches,

as in my former life: let them

do their worst, let them

bury me with the Romantics,

their pointed yellow leaves

falling and covering me.

SCILLA

Not I, you idiot, not self, but we, we—waves

of sky blue like

a critique of heaven: why

do you treasure your voice

when to be one thing

is to be next to nothing?

Why do you look up? To hear

an echo like the voice

of god? You are all the same to us,

solitary, standing above us, planning

your silly lives: you go

where you are sent, like all things,

where the wind plants you,

one or another of you forever

looking down and seeing some image

of water, and hearing what? Waves,

and over waves, birds singing.

RETREATING WIND

When I made you, I loved you.

Now I pity you.

I gave you all you needed:

bed of earth, blanket of blue air—

As I get further away from you

I see you more clearly.

Your souls should have been immense by now,

not what they are,

small talking things—

I gave you every gift,

blue of the spring morning,

time you didn't know how to use—

you wanted more, the one gift

reserved for another creation.

Whatever you hoped,

you will not find yourselves in the garden,

among the growing plants.

Your lives are not circular like theirs:

your lives are the bird's flight

which begins and ends in stillness—

which
begins
and
ends,
in form echoing

this arc from the white birch

to the apple tree.

THE GARDEN

I couldn't do it again,

I can hardly bear to look at it—

in the garden, in light rain

the young couple planting

a row of peas, as though

no one has ever done this before,