Protecting You (A McCord Family Novel Book 1) (9 page)

"Well, I'm glad you did. We can all get through this together. I know we can. You know, she's connected to us now more than ever. She's family. Just like you said this morning. We need each other," Austin said.

"Where is she? Not that I care," Zane asked, avoiding eye contact.

Austin gave a small smile that Zane didn't see. "She went to bed already. Claimed she was tired, but I know she was just fleeing to her room. I can't be mad, though, because this day went better than I hoped. She hasn't been in her room all day, so I find that a huge accomplishment."

Austin stood up and started to walk out when he turned around. "I really do appreciate you giving her a chance here. I mean every word I say about us all needing one another. I miss him, too, you know. You shouldn't let the guilt eat you up as you do."

Zane kept his head down as Austin walked out and quietly closed the door behind him. The same depressing click resounded in his ears as when he first walked into the study. He fell back into his chair, worn out from the day—and not from the chores.

***

"Man, Dad's going to be so mad at me, Zane," Jimmy cried, as his hands started shaking.

"Dad will be happy you're okay," Zane said, putting his arm around Jimmy's shoulder and pulled him closer to his frame for a small hug. "Once he's done making sure of that, he's going to kill you."

Jimmy looked up at Zane and cringed. "Really? I thought you were trying to make me feel better."

Zane chuckled. "Jimmy, you took the car without permission and got in a wreck." Zane pointed to the ditch where the car sat, the front end damaged almost beyond repair. "I'm glad you're okay. I really am. You're lucky you weren't injured. You don't have a scratch on you."

"I didn't mean to take the car." Jimmy sighed regretfully.

"Then why did you?"

Jimmy blushed slightly. "There's this girl in my class. A bunch of the guys were going to the pond to go swimming and I knew she would be there. I just wanted to see her."

Zane sighed. "He didn't want you to go because he knows what will happen at the pond at this time of night with a bunch of girls. I'm sure alcohol was involved." Zane raised a brow at him waiting for confirmation on that. Jimmy nodded guiltily. Zane shook his head. "You know you're not old enough to drink. You know I'm your brother and won't stop you either, but you have to be smarter than this, Jimmy. What happens when I'm not around to help you? To be by the phone to come pick your sorry butt up for wrecking a car instead of Dad and delaying the ensuing storm from him."

"I don't know, Zane. I guess I wasn't thinking. I just wanted to see that girl. I don't even think she knows I exist, not like girls know Austin exists. I felt guilty taking it even after Dad told me I couldn't go."

"Think more about that guilt before you act next time. Guilt can eat you alive, Jimmy," Zane said disappointed.

***

Zane made his way to his room, stopping outside Ava's door. Would she dream like she did last night? He hoped not. Hearing those terrifying screams and words that fell from her lips had been agonizing to the point of madness.

Zane refused to tell Austin in the study that he heard Ava scream or how she cried in his arms the night before. That her terrifying nightmare had made him go soft inside for her. That she was so delicate he was afraid to leave her alone. The moment had felt personal, just between the two of them. Although, Zane wasn't positive if she remembered he was in her room because she hadn’t uttered one word to him about it. The thought of asking her was too chilling to contemplate.

He continued to his room and climbed into bed hoping for a peaceful night. His hopes shattered into pieces when he heard her scream the same time as the night before. Like the first time, he held her in his arms until her body calmed back down.

A whole week went by with the same routine he established the first morning. He woke her up abruptly by flipping the light switch on and throwing the covers off her bed. He made her eat breakfast, threatening to force it down her throat when she looked ready to argue with him.

"I'm not that hungry right now. I ate a lot last night," Ava would say, staring at the door, ready to walk out.

Zane would walk up to her, grab the plate, throwing it right in front of her. "Take a pastry now. We're not having this conversation. You ate six bites last night. I counted."

They fed the chickens and goats together as usual. With each new day, Zane grew fonder of her intricate delicacy of the way she spoke to the animals. Afterwards, Austin would take over with Ava the rest of the day until night descended.

Every single night, Zane would hear her scream and rush to her room to calm her down. Each time it ripped his heart apart a little more. For the loss of his brother. For the pain Ava endured. Each morning she woke up either oblivious he had been there for her, or ignoring the fact he comforted her.

Chapter 5

Zane woke up and glanced at his clock. 2:30 in the morning. Nothing but silence. It was futile, though. She had been like clockwork having nightmares every night. He threw the covers off the bed in anticipation of her waking him up and made his way to her room. He paused outside her door, then slowly opened it. Leaning against the doorframe, he watched as she slept so beautifully.

Even as thin-rail as she appeared, she was beautiful. The past week had been kind to her. A little color formed into her cheeks as well as a few extra pounds on her bones. Half the time him and Austin had to threaten her with force to eat one bite. She was gradually returning to the beautiful woman he remembered from so long ago.

He continued to watch her deep breathing and the way she curled into the blankets. Besides the terrifying screams that escaped from her lips for his brother's life, strangely, he enjoyed these moments. The brief minute when he could grasp her into his arms and pretend they liked each other. That he was someone special to her. That he was helping soothe her pain away.

Then the sun would rise and he reverted to snapping at her, glaring as if she were nothing more than a piece of cow dung stuck to the bottom of his shoe. His impulses took over, the urge to not act that way, completely devoid inside. One glimpse her way, and concern about her pained expression skyrocketed. All he wanted to do was wrap her up in his arms as he did at night, but unable to, he lashed out instead. He saw her trying to hide her tears more often than not.

She cringed away from him, too. That hurt. She never acted that way toward Austin, who frequently put a reassuring hand on her or pulled her into a hug. It was painful to watch, wondering why she recoiled away from him. She acted scared of him as if he would physically harm her. He would never lay a hurtful hand to her. He wasn't kind to her, so perhaps she did think he would hurt her.

A heavy sigh escaped. It had been a long week, grueling with painful memories of Jimmy popping up often. He imagined in Ava's mind, too. Austin as well. He had reached the conclusion that she had no idea he came to her at night. She never said anything to him or Austin. He assumed she would at least say something to Austin to say something to him, but Austin never approached him about it and Zane refused to share this private moment with him.

He stood up from the doorframe. She started to twitch a little, her face slowly morphing into anguish. It was coming and he didn't want to hear the screams of pain or his brother's name uttered from her lips.

Gently sitting down on the bed, he grabbed her in his arms just as she was about to scream. Tender strokes across her back with whispering words to soothe and her body relaxed by his simple touch. No screams or tears tore through the night for once and it made his heart soar for the first time in the week since she arrived.

He stayed with her a little longer than he normally did. Finally, knowing he needed sleep, he laid her back down and tucked her in. Caressing her cheek in normal routine fashion, for the first time, temptation burned inside to kiss her. Just like that, the temptation took over as he placed a light kiss on her forehead. She stirred under the covers making him jerk away quickly.

She didn't awake, so he brushed the hair away from her cheek that had fallen. A soft curse slipped from his lips as he forced himself to move. The door closed with a quiet click.

He woke up the next morning, waking Ava as he normally did and headed for the kitchen.

Austin was pouring a cup of coffee when he walked in. "Did you throw the covers off again?"

"Why? Ava crying to you with the way I wake her up?"

"No, but she did mention the rude way you wake her up." Austin moved away from the coffeepot. "I was thinking I should start waking her up and her coming to the hog barn with me. She spends most of the day with me anyway. You snap at her too much. I know you're trying, but you could try a little harder."

Zane had his back turned as he poured himself a cup of coffee. Clenching the mug, ignoring the urge to slam it, he tried to find the words that wouldn't start a fight. The idea of Austin taking away his morning routine with Ava pissed him off more than he could ever imagine. He looked forward to waking her up, even if it appeared slightly cruel. He looked forward to feeding the chickens and goats together as he enjoyed the way she smiled at the chickens. It was silly really. They were chickens. She even talked with the goats as they fed them. He liked the way she talked with the animals. It was cute.

Damn. When had she become so important to him? And how did she finagle her way into his heart so easily? He wanted to hate her. Hating her was the safest way to get through each day.

Her nightly terrors. That's what brought him closer to her. But it didn't matter. What mattered was how special, crucial even, she meant to him. He wasn't going to let Austin take his brief time with her away from him. No way in hell.

"Our routine has been fine. There's no need to mess with it. I'm trying, damn it," Zane snapped, whipping around at Austin.

"Really? Try harder. I see her cringe when you get near her. You make her uncomfortable and it worries me. I'm trying to help her here, not make things worse."

"I'm trying to help her, too. You think going soft on her helps? The woman I remember meeting the first time stood right in my face and glared back at me, even had the look of popping me a good one. This woman shies away from the littlest thing. I'm trying the only way I know how, so back off," Zane yelled, taking a step toward Austin. "Just like you threatened to deck me if I wasn't cordial with her. Well, I'll knock you off your damn feet if you take my mornings with her away from me."

Austin started to laugh. Not a simple chuckle that his words were mildly funny. But an honest to goodness laugh that made his entire body shake.

"What the hell is so funny?" He was being serious with his words. He never had the urge to hit one of his brothers before until the moment Austin threatened to take something away from him that he truly wanted.

"You are. Did you hear yourself? Do you even realize what you just told me?" Austin asked with a ridiculous grin.

"Yeah, I know what I just told you. I'm not dumb."

Austin continued to stare at him with a ridiculous smile when it finally dawned on Zane what he just insinuated to Austin. That he liked Ava—more than he should.

"Conversations over," Zane snapped, turning back to the coffeepot to remove Austin's smile out of his brain.

Lifting the mug to his lips, he felt her presence before she even spoke.

"Morning," Ava said, grabbing a pastry from the counter right away.

"Good morning, Ava. Did you sleep well?" Austin asked.

"Yes. For some reason I can sleep here. I didn't so much back in New York. It's nice, actually."

Zane sucked in a breath. If she only knew why she slept so well. He should just shout it out. Then she would never let him get close to her again. She thought he didn't like her. Hell, even Austin noticed her cringe away from him.

"Good. I'm glad to hear that. Why did you have trouble sleeping in New York? The noise outside? I always had trouble with that when I visited Jimmy. He even told me it took him a while to get used to it all." Austin released a small laugh like he knew what he said was lame.

Zane decided to turn around. Ava smiled slightly. Not at him, of course. "No, I like the city sounds. They're comforting. I guess growing up in the city does that to you." Ava paused, then blurted, "It was the nightmares of Jimmy. Once I had them, I could never get back to sleep. I even had them in the daytime when I slept since I didn't get much sleep at night."

"Can I ask what nightmares?" Austin asked softly.

Zane didn’t feel the need to say anything. He already knew what her nightmares were about.

"Why?" Ava asked with a tremor.

"Maybe it'll help to talk about it," Austin replied soothingly. "We should talk more about him. It could help. You never talk with me about him when I try."

"It won't help. You don't want to hear it, especially being his brother. Trust me," Ava said sharply.

"You can't keep it locked inside. We've heard third hand stories of what happened. I…we should hear it from you," Austin said with a slight hesitant tone as if he really didn’t want to hear it, but said it anyway.

***

Ava didn't know how to respond as the eagerness spread across Austin's face and then the terror settled in right after. She glimpsed at Zane, who hadn't said a word. She couldn't tell by the blank expression on his face what he was thinking. The sudden urge to rush into his arms consumed her. She felt comfort around him even when he was abrupt with her most of the time. Glancing at the pastry she had yet to eat, she debated whether to run back to her room. Rewind the morning. Forget everything she heard before she even stepped into the kitchen.

She had stood around the corner listening to everything. The words spoken had been a surprise. The venomous anger that had flown out of Zane, for Austin suggesting what he did, was more than a surprise. Shocking, to say the least. As strange as it seemed, she liked the morning routine, even with Zane's abrupt attitude. He was right. She wasn't the same woman anymore. Did she need tough love thrown in her face? She had done the exact same method to many people when she thought they could've improved their performance with their job. Why not let Zane try? Just the fact she knew she needed help in such a manner should've changed her attitude. It didn't. She still wanted to burrow deep in a hole of solitude.

It melted her heart a little to know Zane was trying. She had honestly thought he didn't like her. If Austin only knew the real reason she cringed away from Zane, he would be shocked to the core. It wasn't because of the way he treated her. It was the desire that coursed through her body, yearning for his touch. When he was near, the molten pleasure intensified. The urge to fall into his arms normal, almost as if her body knew what it felt like to be wrapped up in his embrace. Which was completely silly.

Besides the time he picked her up, he never touched her like that again. She shouldn't have feelings for him that way anyhow. He was Jimmy's brother. It was wrong. She had to keep repeating that to herself to believe it and to quit thinking she could be happy with him.

Yet, what would he say if he knew? She could've walked into the kitchen during the argument and found out. Instead, she had pretended she never heard a word of the argument.

What should she do? Running away seemed like the best option. Answering Austin's terrifying question was the last thing she wanted to do.

Without notice, a warm, roughened hand grabbed hers that held the pastry and pushed it toward her mouth gently. "Eat your breakfast, Ava. We have chores," Zane said softly.

Ava painfully looked up at Zane as he still held her hand, making it halfway to her mouth with the sweet pastry she loved. She barely lifted it from the table and now it centered near her chest. His touch, just like that, made her feel better. Before she knew it, the words left her mouth.

"One minute I was processing the bedroom, swabbing the closet door handle, and the next minute he burst out and stabbed me in the shoulder. I've never felt such pain before. Briefly, I remembered talking to Jimmy right before I got there. He told me the man had killed that woman whose apartment I was in. She died on the way to the hospital from multiple stab wounds. I kicked him, but not enough to escape. He slammed me into the dresser and tried stabbing me again. It all happened so quickly, mere seconds I'm sure."

She paused. God, why was she talking about it? Zane still hadn't pulled away, making it not as difficult as it could've been. "It finally occurred to me—grab your gun, idiot, shoot him—he's going to kill you like he did that other woman. He saw me reaching for it and dropped the knife, trying for the gun, too. The next thing I knew he pushed me out the window still holding onto me. I felt the glass breaking, some shards cutting my skin. I felt the wind rushing past me and I knew I needed to prepare to hit the ground. That it was going to hurt. I thought I heard someone scream my name. I know now it was Jimmy. He had just arrived when I flew out the window."

Ava stopped as she looked at her hand. The pastry had fallen to the ground. Zane held her hand like a lifeline she hadn't known she needed. She was too scared to look up at his face. What would she see in his eyes—horror, hatred, pain?

"I hit the pavement hard and lost my breath. My mind told me to get up, but my body wouldn't listen. I tried sitting up, moving in any way I could. I even briefly felt for my gun. I finally saw the guy had it as I managed to sit up. He had it pointed right at me. I knew I was going to die. I had no time to absorb that fact, but I instantly knew it. I heard the shot. I felt so many things hit me at once. I was dizzy, confused. I just wanted the pain to go away and…and then I heard the other officer's scream my name and Jimmy's. I didn't even know it was him who hit me. I grabbed him and pressed my hand to his chest to stop the bleeding and those other idiots kept trying to pull me away and stop my bleeding. He was much worse. If they just would've helped me then—"

Zane let go of her hand and grabbed her by the shoulders fiercely. "He died the minute the bullet hit him, Ava. Do you hear me? Nothing you did could have saved him. It was instant. No one told you that?"

"They lied. I could've saved him. They told me, but they were just lying. He should've never died. He shouldn't have. It should've been me. I hate him for that. I hate myself."