Authors: Kate Roth
A heavy breath filled her lungs and warded her tears away. Could Alicia tell just by looking at her that she was struggling with her feelings for Russell? The woman had been a second mother to her. Valerie
did
think having feelings for Russell would’ve felt like a betrayal to Gabriel. But it didn’t. Even with all of the insanity that had come from meeting Russell, being near him felt right. It felt real. It felt like …
Valerie quieted her mind and smiled lovingly at Alicia. “I’m so happy for you,” she said, keeping focus off of whatever Alicia might have been thinking about her
friend
. Alicia stood and Valerie matched her movement before putting her arms around her again. “Thank you,” Valerie whispered. They were two simple words that said more than gratitude. Alicia squeezed her tightly before they took a quick moment to share a meaningful look.
Walking out of the house that held so many memories, Valerie let out a sigh of relief. A thought crossed her mind that she quickly tried to shake but it held on as she got into her car.
She was halfway there before she accepted where she was headed. Mindlessly, she drove through the large iron gates and up the steep hill. Her memory took the lead and she drove right to the plot they’d picked out together. Next to his grandparents. Valerie got out of the car and listened as the wind blew through the trees that stood in the distance. The sound of her footsteps on the paved walkway echoed in her head and finally she was staring at his name etched in marble.
Valerie knelt down on the grass before her knees gave out. With gentle fingertips, she slid her hand over his name and read the marker for the first time.
Gabriel James Jarrett
1993-2012
Beloved Son. Devoted Husband.
The quiver in her chin became too much to bear and tears began to slip down her cheeks. “Hey, baby,” she whispered, swiping her thumb over the word husband. His voice swirled in her mind as a memory.
Hello, gorgeous.
A sob choked out of her and she dropped her head feeling the cold stone under her palm and the chilled wind at her back.
“I miss you,” she said. Her heart waited for a reply she knew would never come but still she waited a beat more.
“It’s kinda crazy that I’m having these feelings for someone else and you’re the only person I want to talk to about it. But I know you’d know what to say.” She wiped the tears from her face with the back of her hand and sniffled. “I think you’d like him,” she said. A laugh huffed out of her. “And if he turns out to be an alien, you’d be the one to tell me how cool that is.”
Her eyes lifted to the sky. It was where her grade school bible class taught her Heaven was and though she had a million doubts about God, she never doubted a place where wonderful people could go when they died. Gabriel had to be there watching over her.
Valerie chewed her lip and stared blankly at his grave. She wished there was a photograph of him there. A video would be nice. Or a recording of his voice to tell her he loved her. Instead, the speckled gray stone with his name was all she had.
“I’m scared,” she whispered.
Finally some truth.
“I’m afraid to let him in. What if something happens to him? I don’t know if I can do it again. I’m not that strong.”
The wind picked up and her hair tangled and blew around her face. She wrapped her arms around her body and pressed her lips together feeling her cheeks begin to flush from the cold.
“Just give me a sign, Gabe. Tell me it’s okay,” she said in a shivered whisper.
The air went completely still. The wind stopped and Valerie glanced around taking in the eerily calm cemetery. She saw the sun begin to poke through the clouds and she instantly noticed the warmth taking over the atmosphere around her. The trees had stopped shaking and her hair no longer danced on the breeze as the sun cheerily shone down on her.
Valerie sighed and her lips turned up in an absent smile. She wondered if she would’ve been moved by less. She may have turned anything into a sign just to give herself the permission she wanted. Her fingertips rose to her lips and she kissed them sweetly before pressing them back to the smooth stone that held the name of her first love.
Chapter Sixteen
The clouds parted in the cemetery and the sun shone down her whole way home. By the time she stepped out of the car and walked toward the barn it had turned into a beautiful day. A smile sat on her lips at the thought. She walked through the weathered wooden doors and saw Russell and her father stacking bags of feed on the new shelves her father had assembled. Her dad had an organization obsession like no one she’d ever known and with Russell around to help, he was taking full advantage of getting ready for winter.
They hadn’t noticed her at the opposite end of the barn and she took the moment to gaze at Russell. He’d changed into some of his new clothes and the dark jeans and gray t-shirt fit him perfectly. Valerie wanted to pull her eyes away from his large biceps and the outline of the muscles in his back but it was too difficult. She watched as he swiped his glistening brow and dragged his hands through his wavy hair. He turned instinctively and when he met her stare, he smiled beautifully.
He wet his lips quickly, still keeping his eyes on her, and she felt a pulse roll through her inexplicably. His grin returned and he mouthed ‘hi’
in her direction.
She lifted her hand in a wave and he started making his way toward her, wiping his hands on his jeans. “You’re back,” he said tentatively.
Somehow she felt like he already knew where she’d been but she kept that thought to herself. “Are you going to be done any time soon?”
Her father shouted from the other side of the barn. “Just a little while longer, Val. We’ll be done before supper,” he said. She nodded, her lips twisting. She wanted more time with Russell but he’d been snatched away by her dad, earning his keep.
She forced a smile and turned to leave them to their work when she felt him touch the sleeve of her sweater. “Hey.” Russell leaned in. "We should find something really fun to do tonight."
Her nose crinkled up and she bit her lip trying to hide her sudden grin. He was so incredibly right.
***
Valerie poked her head into her brother’s room and saw him sitting with his eyes glued to the television, vigorously clicking a video game controller in his hands. He heard the slight knock she gave the door and turned to her after he paused the game.
“Hey,” he said. She took an instant to look at her baby brother and saw just how much he’d grown up in the year she’d been away. His cheeks had lost their softness, his once spindly arms had gained muscle tone and his eyes had a seriousness she didn’t recognize. Sadness washed over her, regretting leaving him behind again.
“Looks like it’s going to be a lovely autumn night in Greensburg,” she started.
Justin’s face twisted then fell as he figured out what she was getting at. “No way. You and your weirdo friend can’t come!”
She laughed and put a playful frown on her face. “Pleeease! Russell’s not weird, he’s just … different. Plus, it’s not like I need your permission. I’m sure flashlight tag is still being held in the same woods as when I was your age. Come on, your sister could use a night out,” she pouted.
He huffed and started playing his video game again, turning from her. Her shoulders dropped and she turned to leave, defeated, when she heard his quiet voice.
“Be at the back door by ten,” he muttered. Valerie bounced over to him and squeezed him tight despite his grumble.
Valerie walked into the kitchen and saw her mother at her usual spot at the sink peeling potatoes for dinner. She was the ultimate homemaker. Though Valerie’s mind was still clouded, she figured her time was better spent being productive than sitting alone with her thoughts.
“Hey, momma,” she said.
Her mother turned with a wide smile. “Oh good, you’re here! I need a helper.” She corralled Valerie to one side of the kitchen handing her a variety of ingredients in the process. “How are your pie skills? I need a crust.”
Valerie chuckled and nodded, taking the flour and shortening from her mother’s hands. “Well I’ve spent the past ten months working at a pie diner. I think I can handle it.”
Her mother shot her a look. She kept her eyes soft but Valerie knew she was holding her tongue—wondering what her daughter had been up to in Somerset. Valerie looked away and started measuring out the flour into a glass bowl. She hoped her mother would hold on to her questions a little longer but of course she didn’t.
“So college didn’t work out?”
Valerie took a deep breath. “No. But I got a job and made ends meet,” she replied.
Quiet filled the space between the two women in the kitchen with only the tiny sounds of kneading dough and a vegetable peeler hanging in the air. She wished she could tell her mother everything. She wished it was as simple as telling her she needed to get away after Gabriel died and that life got complicated then Russell came along. But even Valerie knew that was only a line. There was so much more than that.
“I’m proud of you, Valerie,” her mother said quietly.
She felt a lump form in her throat. She didn’t dare turn around to look at her mother. If she did Valerie knew she’d turn into a puddle of tears. Sprinkling flour onto the countertop, she plopped the dough ball down and reached for the rolling pin.
“For flunking out of school? Or for doing what I do best—run away,” Valerie muttered under her breath.
She heard the scrape of the vegetable peeler stop. “After what you had to go through you could’ve locked yourself in your room for a decade but you didn’t. I’m proud of you for going out there and trying something, living on your own and for having the good sense to come back.”
Valerie felt a pull at the corner of her mouth. She smiled and turned to see her mother facing her from the sink with the same smile on her face. Her mother raised her eyebrows at Valerie. “Now, it’s about time you tell me about Russell.”
A laugh crept out of Valerie and she shook her head. If only her mother knew what an absurd request that was. Though her mother had a way of pumping her for information that made her want to spill her guts, there was little she could share without sounding like a lunatic.
She sighed and thought back to that first day when he was sitting alone at table twelve. “He came into the diner where I work and on the second day, he asked me out,” she replied getting back to rolling out the pie crust.
She rolled the wooden cylinder back and forth with even pressure until the dough was a nine-inch diameter circle. Though it had been a job simply to pay the bills and occupy her days, she really enjoyed working at Penny’s. Valerie had learned a lot of Penny’s baking secrets and had developed a love for the kitchen.
She’d always liked cooking but there was something about baking from scratch that soothed her soul. It was an accomplishment and relaxation all in one.
“He’s awfully nice, Val. I’m glad you brought him here. He just has a genuine glow about him, doesn’t he?” her mother said sweetly.
Flashes of memory assaulted Valerie’s mind the instant her mother said the words. First, a speck of light on his fingertip the first time they touched followed by a second sparking connection. She remembered an odd glare when she covered his hand with hers as they shared warm drinks on the park bench. Her mind sped up and she tried to assemble the pictures she remembered. The night they arrived she thought she saw flickering lights throughout her room as he touched her face, wiping her tears away.
A glow about him
, she thought.
“Yeah … I guess he does,” she breathed.
“He ain’t bad on the eyes either, sugar. Mmm.”
Valerie glanced over at her mother, surprised by her boldly stated opinion and saw her peering out the window. She bounced across the kitchen nearly shoving her mother out of the way to peek out. Through the window above the sink Valerie saw Russell moving through the grass toward the house. His shirt was darkened in a V at his chest from sweat and his hair was pushed back from his face. She sighed at the sight of him and her mother chuckled at her side.
“Oh, hush,” Valerie chided.
Her mother’s hand went up in defense but a grin stayed plastered on her face. “Don’t get mad at me. You’re the one who can’t look at the man without swoonin’.”
She shifted her jaw remembering that her mother knew her too well. “I never swoon,” she said through gritted teeth. Her mother was still giggling when Russell walked in. He immediately locked eyes with Valerie and she saw the sweat across his brow. Much to her dismay, she wanted to swoon.
“Good afternoon, ladies,” he said.
“Thanks for helping George, Russell. He’s needed to hire a hand for a while. I guess you came along at just the right time,” Valerie’s mother said, staring right at her daughter knowingly. Valerie gave her mother a wide eyed look, wordlessly begging her to be quiet.
His eyes pulled her in, so brilliant and enthralling. She wanted to reach out and touch him but her mind flashed with memories of the light from his skin again. She remembered it more clearly now. Staring at him, she felt her face grow warm knowing she wanted his touch again.
“Do we have plans for tonight?” he asked. Valerie breathed in his scent and wondered how much longer she could take his secrecy. The light and the warmth he conjured in her veins at the simplest touch … Whatever it meant wasn’t enough to stop her from wanting him.
Chapter Seventeen
It had been years since she’d played flashlight tag in Jameson Woods. The group of twenty-some teens, Valerie, and Russell dispersed, each with a flashlight in hand and a mission. Don’t get caught in a beam. The brisk night air blew through her hair as she stayed as silent and still as possible. She’d have to move soon. The rules were you had to move every three minutes.
Back in high school Gabriel and Valerie had been grand champions of the game. One night between the two of them they tagged every person out and claimed a co-victory. A smile made its way to her lips as she thought of those days. When things were simple and life was easy. They didn’t have a care in the world and no bigger problem than deciding what movie to see on a Friday night.