I
climb into bed and close my eyes, trying to ignore the steady flow of tears
which I cannot prevent from falling. The burning hole inside my chest grows
bigger every single day, reminding me of what I’ve lost and who I yearn for.
How
can I do it? How can I face the rest of my life without him? How am I supposed
to get through this misery when I know that we can never be together? I broke
the one promise I made to him by telling someone. I foolishly thought I could
trust my best friend with my dark secret but as soon as I told her I
knew
it had been a mistake. I saw judgement in her eyes and knew she wasn’t capable
when it came to understanding. She could not process or comprehend how I could
still feel that way about him and I really don’t have the energy to try and
make her.
I
fell asleep eventually because the next thing I know, I’m being woken by the
forceful pressure of someone’s hand covering my mouth. I can feel an additional
weight on the bed beside me and try to open my mouth to scream.
“Shh…”
A soothing voice whispers. “It’s me.”
Cole.
“What
are you doing here?” I ask, sitting up in bed. “How did you get in?”
“I
had to see you. I needed to see you one last time.”
He
switches my lamp on so my room is surrounded by a warm, golden glow. It
highlights his harrowing appearance and exhaustion as his shoulders slump and
his head lowers. His knuckles are grazed and covered in blood,
dried
blood which I assume belongs to the student he hurt at school earlier.
“What
do you mean?” I ask him gently, unnerved by his shattered demeanour.
“They’re
after me, Serena.” He murmurs softly, cradling his head in his hands.
“Who?”
“The
police. They’re out looking for me right now.”
“Because…?”
“Because
of today and what happened at school.”
“Did…
did you hurt him badly?” I inquire hesitantly, terrified of hearing his answer.
“Yes.”
“Oh,
Cole… why did you do it?”
“I
don’t know why, Green. I don’t know why I’m such a mess or why I ruin
everything that’s good. I don’t know what I did to deserve you but I always
knew it wouldn’t last. I’m not worthy of you.”
He
stands up and walks towards my window, pulling my curtains back so he can gaze
out at the midnight sky.
“Please
don’t say that.”
“Why
shouldn’t I?” He challenges me angrily. “You despise me now and you have every
right to feel that way. I don’t blame you.”
“I
don’t hate you, Cole. I-I love you. I
still
love you.”
My
admittance is followed by a prolonged moment of silence. I’m still sitting on
the bed and Cole is standing. He watches me closely with a look of disbelief on
his face.
“You
do?”
“Of
course.” I assure him, climbing off the bed so I can walk over towards him. “I
meant everything I said to you and none of that has changed.”
“But
you still don’t want to be with me?”
“Cole,
I want that more than anything it’s just… you know why we can’t.”
“Just
give me another chance. I’m begging you, Serena. Let me make you happy, or at
least let me
try
.”
“I
can’t!” I declare frantically. “How could it possibly work out when the police
are after you? How do you think we can still be together?”
“I
can’t even contemplate a life without you. I just can’t do it. This past week
has been the worst of my entire life. I’ve been an absolute wreck and I know
you’ve felt the same way. I felt like I was dying and I couldn’t explain the
excruciating pain I was going through. It consumed me night and day, destroying
every piece of happiness we once had. I can’t be without you, Serena. It’s
slowly killing me being apart from you.”
“It’s
been killing me too but I don’t know what to do! How can I allow myself to be
with you when I know how wrong it is? It’s not only wrong, it’s illegal!”
He
grabs hold of me and pulls me into his arms. His hands fists itself in my hair,
forcing my neck back until I’m looking up at him.
“I’m
in love with you and there’s nothing in this world that can change that. Ever.”
He growls deeply, forcing me to maintain eye contact with him.
“The
police will change it. They’re going to arrest you and there’s nothing I can do
to stop it.” I cry, burying my face against his chest. “Oh, God. Why is this
happening?”
“I
don’t know, baby. I don’t know why.”
“What
are you going to do? Where will you go?”
“I
don’t know yet but I know I can’t stay here. There are a few people in London
who might let me stay with them until I get myself sorted.” He answers calmly,
stroking his fingers through my hair.
“I
can’t believe you have to leave.” I murmur, looking up at his handsome face
which is lit up by the moonlight streaming through my window. “What am I going
to do without you?”
“You’ll
cope.” He promises me gently. “You will survive this because you’re strong.
You’re so much stronger than me.”
“I’m
not, Cole. I can’t live without you.”
He
pauses before sighing deeply, caressing the skin on the back of my neck with
his fingertips.
“Maybe
you don’t have to.” He whispers faintly.
“What
do you mean?”
“Maybe
you can come with me.”
I
take a step back and gape up at him in astonishment. A part of me starts to
wonder if I misheard him, unable to believe that he would really ask me to run
away with him.
“How
can I come with you? You don’t even know where you’re going and what about
school?”
“You
really want to go back to that place after what happened there today?”
“Of
course I don’t but that’s not the point.” I argue, turning my back on him in an
attempt to process everything without being distracted.
“So
come with me. Pack a bag right now and let’s just go. We can leave all of this
behind and start a new life together.”
I
pace back and forth in front of him as my anxiety increases. My chest starts to
feel tight, as though there’s someone pressing down against it and I can
scarcely breathe. I don’t know what’s happening to me but I feel unbalanced,
dizzy and light-headed.
“I…
I don’t feel so good.” I whimper, placing my hand against my forehead.
Cole
is at my side within seconds, guiding me towards my bed where he encourages me
to sit down.
“Serena,
take a seat. Come on, baby.”
He
kneels down in front of me and strokes my forehead with his hand as his
soothing voice calms me. I close my eyes and try to imagine a world where we
could be together and love each other as we want to. The possibility of such a
world is unimaginable. No one will ever accept us if we stay here, especially
now I’ve told Lisa.
“There’s
something I need to tell you.”
“Ok…
what is it?” He asks me kindly, tucking a stray strand of my hair back behind
my ear.
“I
told someone.” I mumble quietly, lowering my eyes to the floor. “I told Lisa about
who you really are. She knows you’re my half-brother.”
He
inhales sharply before jumping up onto his feet, glaring at me in indignation.
“Fuck,
Serena! I told you not to tell anyone! Why would you do that?” He rages at me
in fury, slamming his fist against my bedroom wall behind him.
“I
was scared!” I wail helplessly, begging him to understand why I did it. “I’d
just watched you attack that guy at school and I couldn’t keep it to myself for
a moment longer. It was driving me insane and I didn’t know what to do!”
“You
know what this means, don’t you?” He questions me harshly, refusing to turn
around and look at me. “It means we can’t be together. Not now, not ever. At
least not here. There’s no chance for us now that someone knows about us.”
“Don’t
say that.” I plead with him, not wanting to believe it.
“You
know it’s true. Jesus Christ… she’s bound to tell someone now she knows. I bet
she’s threatened to do so already.”
“S-she
did mention me going to the police.” I stammer, remembering that awful moment
when I realised that telling my best friend had been a dreadful mistake.
“Fucking
hell. She might have even told them already.”
“No,
no she wouldn’t do that. She cares about me and our friendship.” I assure him.
“Exactly!
She might tell someone and won’t even see it as a betrayal. She’ll convince
herself that she’s doing the right thing by revealing what she knows.”
“Oh,
God. Oh, God. What are we going to do?” I weep, breaking down completely as my
pain consumes me.
I
need Cole to rescue me and tell me everything is going to be ok. I need him to
heal my heartbreak and mend what has been broken. The only problem is… the
world will now tell me he’s the wrong person. They will try and convince me
that I’m wrong to feel the way I do about him and try to change what has
already taken place. I fell in love with him long before I found out we were related
and it was too late by the time we learnt the truth.
“You’re
going to do like I said.” He responds decidedly. “Gather up your things and
pack a bag. You’re coming with me.”
“You
really expect me to leave with you right now in the middle of the night.” I ask
him incredulously.
“
Yes
.”
He insists firmly, refusing to back down or change his mind on this.
“But
what about my mum? What do I tell her?”
“Nothing.
You really think she deserves to know after the way she’s treated you?”
“And
what about Lisa?”
“You
can’t tell her anything, Serena. You can’t say a word about this to anyone.”
“But
the police are already out looking for you. They’re bound to come after us when
people find out we’re missing.”
“That’s
why you have to hurry up. They’re not going to catch us if they can’t find us.”
He
starts searching through my things, opening my drawers and grabbing an armful
of my clothes.
“Cole,
I’m scared. I don’t want to get you into any more trouble.” I admit softly,
raking my fingers through my hair in torment and despair.
“Sweetheart,
I’m
the only one who is responsible here. I got us into this mess and
now I’m going to be the one to make it right.”
He
crouches down in front of me and wipes away my tears, brushing my forehead with
his lips before he carries on gathering up my things.
“Cole,
I… I don’t know where to start. What do I pack? What do I need to take with
me?”
“Just
a few necessities and anything else you think you might need. I’ll be back in
half an hour to pick you up.”
He
goes to leave before I stop him, grabbing hold of his arm to stop him from
going.
“Cole,
wait! How are we going to travel?”
“Leave
that to me, ok? I don’t want you to worry about that. I’ll be back soon. Just
give me half an hour.”
“Wait!”
I exclaim frantically, pulling him back towards me. “I… I need you to kiss me.”
His
mouth falls open in surprise as his erratic breathing increases.
“Y-you
want me to kiss you?” He asks, repeating my question to himself. “Why?”
“For
courage. I also need to know that you will come back for me.”
“I
can’t exist without you, Green. There’s no way in hell I’m going anywhere
without you.” He promises me, taking hold of my hand so he can squeeze it
tightly.
He
closes the narrow space between us until my body is pressed against his. Words
cannot describe how incredible it feels to be so close to him again and to
breathe in his scent. The warmth of his lips is electrifying as they make
contact with my own and I can no longer keep my whole body from trembling with
desire.
I
know this should feel wrong and I also know that the reality of what we’re
doing isn’t right. I’m aware there are so many people in this world who would
call our love immoral and do anything to keep us apart but despite it all…
despite all the obstacles which still threaten to tear us apart… I still love
him.
His
tongue parts my lips gently, entering my mouth with hesitancy and caution. He’s
treating me like I’m made of glass, as though something which is extremely
fragile and precious. I do realise that things will be different now and we can
never go back to how it used to be before we knew. I also realise that we will
never be able to escape the truth. Neither one us will pretend, neither one of
us wants to live a lie. We just want to be together and love each other in the
way that feels right to us, the
only
way we know how.
“Open
your mouth for me.” He whispers huskily. “Don’t hold back from me, Serena.
Please.”