The Art of Manliness: Classic Skills and Manners for the Modern Man (35 page)

Have you been in a relationship that started out with amazing passion? You got butterflies every time you saw the person. But then the fire faded away, and you became bored and restless.

Or have you ever moved to a new and breathtakingly beautiful place? The first few months there you were awed each day by the scenery. But as the years go by, those once awe-inspiring surroundings become just the ordinary background of your day-to-day life.

What is the common thread in these two situations? They both show the way in which our brains quickly become accustomed to stimulation. While at first our senses are acutely tuned into the input they’re receiving, they fast become acclimated and then numbed to the stimuli. At this point most people reach for more stimulation—more sex, more movies, more music, more drinking, more money, more travel, more food—to experience those feelings afresh. But the pleasure you get from ratcheting up the frequency of pleasurable experiences will eventually end in a plateau. You will then have to find ways of increasing the quantity and intensity of your enjoyments even further. And the cycle will continue. The alternative is to short-circuit this negative feedback loop by cultivating the virtue of moderation and seeking greater enjoyment and pleasure in things you are already doing.

Practicing Moderation

Reconnect with your senses.
Instead of seeking new stimulation, rediscover the hidden layers of ordinary experiences. Stop wolfing down your food and start tasting the unique flavors and textures of each mouthful. Instead of doing a keg stand and chugging cheap beer, learn to savor and appreciate the craftsmanship that goes into a quality brew. Start thinking about how it feels to have your love’s fingers interwoven with yours. We’re usually walking through life like zombies. Wake up and start delving into the wonder of the world.

Stop multitasking and be present in the moment.
Men are often doing two things at once: talking on the phone and surfing the Net, surfing the Net and watching TV, watching TV and reading a magazine, ect. We crave stimulation every moment. But this craving only begets the need for more stimulation. Try to do one task at a time; fully concentrate your senses and focus on whatever it is you are doing.

Take a fast from stimulation.
Too much stimulation overloads our delicate sensory circuits. It is thus essential to unplug and get away. The best thing to do is to periodically tear out into the outdoors. Leave your phone and computer behind. If you don’t have the opportunity to do this, at least try a phone and/or Internet “fast.” Pick one day a week where you don’t check either.

Delay your gratification.
Have you ever noticed that the anticipation of a holiday can be just as good, and sometimes better, than the actual holiday itself? The more you hold out for something, the greater the pleasure you’ll experience when you finally attain it. If you eat a burger every day, it’s not going to taste as good as it would if you ate one only once a month. The more you hold out for that new car, the more pleasure you’ll feel when you finally get it. Hold out for things and enjoy the exquisite pleasure of anticipation.

Cleanliness

“Tolerate no uncleanliness in body, clothes, or habitation.”

A common stereotype with which society saddles men is that of the sloppy and unkempt man. We see him all the time on television, sitting in his comfy recliner with potato chip crumbs all over himself. Beer cans and old pizza cartons are stacked throughout the room. The fellow is usually wearing a crummy T-shirt with food stains all over it. This sad stereotype is what some would say represents manliness.

They couldn’t be more wrong.

While many think that only effeminate men would take the time to care about cleanliness, manly men understand that taking pride in cleanliness develops one’s attention to detail, work ethic and self-confidence.

Figure 8.3 Manly men understand that taking pride in cleanliness develops one’s attention to detail, work ethic and self-confidence.

Manly Advice: Why You Should Quit Being a Slob

Cleanliness makes you feel good. A hot shower, your favorite clean shirt and a well-organized house make you feel ready to take on the world.

Cleanliness keeps your mind clear and your life organized. If your house is a total disaster, your thinking is going to feel similarly disorganized. Clutter will weigh you down and stress you out. Conversely a clean, well-organized environment will lift your spirits.

Cleanliness gives you a good image. How you present yourself in life is paramount. If you, your clothes or your house looks like a disheveled mess, people are inevitably going to judge part of your character and personality on such evidence. Perhaps it’s unfair and superficial, but it’s how the world works. When you present a neat and clean appearance to others, they’ll respect and think highly of you.

Chicks dig it.

Finding Balance in Cleanliness

The key to the virtue of cleanliness, as with all the virtues, is moderation. Being neat and tidy is desirable; being a clean freak germphobe is not. Our great grandparents worked up a far greater sweat than we do, and yet didn’t tote around hand sanitizer, shower twice a day or Lysol the hell out of every touchable surface and heaven forbid, the air itself.

And remember, there’s nothing wrong with smelling like a human being, like a man. Seneca, Roman orator and writer, rebuked bath lovers for not smelling “of the army, of farm work, and of manliness.” While the purveyors of Axe body spray and the like attempt to sell the idea that walking around in a cloud of artificial cloying scent is the way to attract the ladies, my personal experience doesn’t bear this out. Women like the natural scent of a man.

Tranquility

“Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable.”

There is an old story of a father who wished to help his son learn to control his anger. He told his son to hammer a nail into their wooden fence every time he lost his temper. The first day the boy drove thirty nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered slowly began to diminish.

Finally, the day came when the boy didn’t lose his temper at all. His father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.

The father took his son to the fence and said, “Son, I’m proud of you, but as you can see, while the nails are gone, the fence is full of holes. Remember that your anger can wound people in ways that you can’t take back.”

In Western society, anger has sometimes been associated with toughness and manliness. We secretly applaud the hothead who finally loses it on some nincompoop. A “righteous anger” can certainly be used in constructive ways, but too often it is wielded without control, hurting you and the ones you love.

Harnessing Your Anger and Practicing Tranquility

A lot of anger management gurus recommend counting to one hundred or taking deep breaths before reacting with anger. Let’s be honest: These methods aren’t very effective. Once anger takes a hold of you, there’s no way you’re going to sit there and twiddle your thumbs before taking action. Instead you must train your mind to deal with anger
before
you are confronted with it. Take the following steps to change your whole mind-set, and when irritations beset you, you’ll be prepared to meet them calmly.

Change your perspective on life.
Although we are seldom conscious of it, our anger at life’s little annoyances is deeply rooted in the belief that life should go smoothly. When things don’t go our way, we experience this as an irritating deviation from the norm. Settle in your mind the truth that the nature of life is frustrating and chaotic, and you’ll find it far easier to roll with the punches.

Change your perspective on others.
When you mess up or treat someone badly, you usually find the reason for your offensive behavior. You think things like, “Man, I shouldn’t have yelled at her like that. I’m irritable from not getting enough sleep.” Or, “I shouldn’t have cut off that guy, but I have to get to that appointment on time or I might get fired.” Yet, when others do similar things to us, we bubble over with anger, never thinking that they might have done those things for the same reasons we have. Give others the same amount of leniency you lavish on yourself.

Change your perspective on yourself.
While some say the root of anger is fear, the heart of anger is actually selfishness. The angriest of men not only believe life should go smoothly for them, they demand that it does. Angry men suffer from a grossly inflated sense of superiority and thus believe that people should consistently kowtow to their wishes. When this fails to happen, the angry man is hurt and channels this disappointment into anger. Thus, to alleviate anger, a man must humble himself and take accurate stock of his true position in life.

Kill Your Anger With Logic

Anger, even when justified, often becomes highly irrational. Therefore the antidote to anger is logic. You must train your mind to rationally assess the situation before choosing the proper reaction.

Be conscious of your anger and what is causing it.
Anger frequently blinds our minds to the real root of what is bothering us. We often flip out at the closest target or the most recent trigger of our anger, when the underlying cause of the anger is deeper or lies somewhere else. Once you can rationally examine your anger, you can find the root cause and address it.

Be willing to admit that sometimes you are the cause of your anger.
The reason traffic makes you so angry is that you left home ten minutes too late. The reason you’re mad that you wife keeps nagging you about mowing the lawn is that you keep putting it off. Making personal changes in behavior and attitude can significantly reduce your anger.

Learn to ask yourself this question: Is this situation something I can change or something I cannot change?
Either way, there’s no need to be angry. If the situation or person which is angering you is something you cannot change, come to peace with it. If the situation is something you can change, channel your energy into coming up with a plan to solve the problem.

Chastity

“Rarely use venery but for health or offspring, never to dullness, weakness, or the injury of your own or another’s peace or reputation.”

While hard to discuss chastity without sounding like the Church Lady, the truth is that there are good reasons to pick up this virtue besides the fear of eternal damnation. Instead of thinking of chastity only in terms of celibacy, it’s helpful to look at it in the light of temperance and moderation. Sometimes more of something isn’t better; it’s just more. Just as you could choose a steady diet of eating alone in your car, gorging on fast food, you can choose to spread your sexual energies far and wide, or you can choose to concentrate and channel them in meaningful ways and savor the full spectrum of sexual pleasure. Big Mac or filet mignon, what will it be?

Quit the Porn

The way sex and women are portrayed in porn is a far cry from reality. In porn, women, endowed with cantaloupe-sized ta-tas, have a vocabulary limited to the moan and are always toned, tanned and eager to perform moves gleaned from Cirque du Soleil. The porn fantasy creates unrealistic expectations about love and sex and will dull your manly virility in several ways.