The Blank Canvas (Apartment #2) (3 page)

It had been over three weeks since Lily had started living on her own, and she had been in contact with one or both of the girls nearly every day from the beginning. It all started when she had tried to go in to work the Monday after Ethan had left. Maggie had come in for some final blood work before going back to Chicago, and Lily had taken one look at her and promptly burst into tears.

It hadn’t taken much prodding on Maggie’s part to get her to admit why she was so upset, and as soon as she’d learned that Lily’s “mystery man” had left her without one word of explanation, she was just about shooting flames out of her ears.

“That stupid, arrogant, selfish prick!” she snarled, grabbing her cell phone and scrolling through her speed dial violently.

“Who are you calling?” Lily asked, wiping her nose with the tissue Maggie had handed her. She appreciated Maggie sympathizing with her, but she hadn’t expected such venom on her behalf.

“My idiot, shit-for-brains brother-in-law, that’s who!”

“Oh my God, you know it’s Ethan?!” Lily gasped, positive that she was in her own custom-made nightmare.

“Oh, please!” she snapped, pressing the send button and holding the phone to her ear. “You two were eye-fucking each other all night after dinner. It didn’t take a genius to figure it out, Lily.”

“What?! Wait, you can’t call him!” She reached for the phone frantically.

“Why the hell not?”

“Because it was his decision. He obviously didn’t want any more contact with me, or he would have left me his fucking number.”

“Oh, bullshit! He’s just being his typical broody, overdramatic self. I’m getting to the bottom of this right now.” His voicemail picked up, and just as Maggie was about to repeat that entire sentence verbatim for Ethan to enjoy, Lily began to beg so pathetically that she stopped and looked at her.

“No! Please no! Please, not right now, Maggie. Please! Not like this.”

Maggie debated for a moment before finally ending the call. “Okay, fine. But this isn’t over, and I make no promises about not talking to him.”

“Duly noted. Just please let me deal with this my own way. I’m already better than I was yesterday, and I won’t be able to put him out of my mind if you are talking to him right in front of me. Besides, I don’t want him to think I went running to his family and tattled on him.”

“Alright, but you need some girl time. You need to be able to vent or cry or whatever girly shit you feel like doing, and we can’t do that here. We’re hanging out tonight, whether you like it or not.”

And that was the beginning of Operation: Cheer Up Lily.

Maggie and Emma spent the next weekend helping her decorate her new apartment, giving her a few pointers about curtains and knickknacks but otherwise allowing Lily to truly make it her own space for the first time in her life (aside from a veto that forbade the Flight of the Conchords posters from going up in the living room). They helped her find a good deal on a little loveseat and dining set, and the shitty little place had actually become damn near cozy.

After that, they made sure that one or both of them called her every day, keeping her occupied and laughing on the phone. It didn’t stop the memories from coming back as soon as Lily hung up and tried to go to sleep, but she found that they were becoming less and less painful to remember. Nothing would change the fact that she missed him terribly, but it comforted her to know that one day she might be able to think of their time together with nothing but fondness.

The girls had whined and begged Lily for weeks, finally ganging up on her in a three-way Skype chat until she agreed to come to Chicago for the weekend. They spent all of Saturday dragging her around from store to store, forcing her to try on one new outfit after the next, as if she was their own personal My Size Barbie. When she had finally had enough and vowed to happily vomit on the next thing they handed her, they grudgingly relented and dragged her back to Maggie’s penthouse for margarita game night.

Now, only two rounds of
Trivial Pursuit
and three pitchers later, Emma did what Maggie made her promise not to do for the entire weekend: she brought up “the situation” and “He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.”

“Oh shit!” she swore to herself, looking at Lily apologetically. “Is it okay that I asked how you’re doing? I know I’m not supposed to mention anything about the situation, but I just had to make sure that you were feeling better about… you know,
him
.”

Lily simply chuckled and shrugged. “Emma, he’s your brother, not Voldemort! Don’t think that you can’t ever talk about him.”

“Well, I just didn’t want you to think I was being insensitive.”

At that moment Maggie came back in the room with a full pitcher, shaking her head. “Dammit, Emma! You did it already, didn’t you?”

“But she just said I could!” Emma whined before grabbing her glass and draining what was left, eager for a refill.

“Of course she did, you dolt! She’s being nice! I told you not to make her uncomfortable,” Maggie scolded as she sat back down on the carpet, crossing her legs Indian style and scooting up to the coffee table.

“Guys!” Lily interrupted, holding up her hands in front of them before they could get into it even further. When they were quiet, she continued. “I really don’t mind. He’s part of your family, and I’m a big girl. If you want to talk about your brother, there’s no reason you should stop on my account.”

“Yeah, but it’s not like we ever used to talk about him that often before,” Maggie explained. “We hadn’t seen him for so long that I’d nearly forgotten all about him until that bitch left.”

“Maggie!” Emma gasped.

“Oh, don’t ‘Maggie’ me. You know damn well it’s the truth. There is no reason we need to talk about Ethan any more now than we ever did before the last time he ran off and cut everyone out of his life. Don’t get me wrong. I love the boy, and I will always be there for him if he ever pulls his head out of his ass again, but I don’t think we need to keep bringing him up right now. He hurt our friend by being a selfish prick, and until he’s ready to stop being one, I don’t see what there is to talk about.”

“But why does that make Rachel a bitch?”

“Oh, she’s a cunt, Emma! You wouldn’t believe
half
the shit that Eric told me about her after I pried it out of him. I promised him I wouldn’t divulge the details—and it’s a promise I intend to keep—but believe me when I say that leaving Ethan was probably the nicest thing she ever did for him.”

After almost a full minute of silence, Emma finally whispered, “I
knew
it. I never did like her.” She looked up at Lily and felt the urge to explain herself. “She was just so damn stuck up, always looked down her nose at everyone. But she was who my brother said he wanted.”

“You guys really don’t need to explain this stuff to me,” Lily said, grabbing the pitcher and filling up their empty glasses. “I’m not asking or trying to pry. If you want to talk about him, talk about him. If you don’t, then don’t.”

“But doesn’t it hurt you even more?” Maggie asked, reaching out and grabbing her hand before she could pick up her glass.

“What do you want me to say? I’m not going to lie and say that I don’t still miss him every day. Missing him hurts. Not having him in my arms at night hurts. Hearing about him—well, that also hurts, but it also lets me know that I didn’t dream the whole damn thing. He really existed. For a short, beautiful time, an amazing man was in my life. I would never trade in those memories, even if it meant never feeling any pain.”

“Are you more hurt or angry?” Emma asked.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, be honest. You just uprooted your entire life, and it sounds like it was mostly triggered by him, by the hope of being with him. And that very day, he disappears without a word to any of us. That’s gotta piss you off just the littlest bit.”

Lily thought for a moment before giving the most truthful answer she could manage. “Yeah, I suppose I’m angry. But if anything, I’m angry about how he went about it. I’d like to think I’d have more respect for him if he had the guts to tell me to my face that this wasn’t what he wanted anymore. Without actually hearing it from him, I feel like it’s not over, like maybe there is more going on under the surface. I hate feeling like I’m reading more into it than I should, and that makes me angry. I don’t want to be one of those clingy girls who just can’t take a hint. I mean, he left. Most people would get the message loud and clear, not lie around pining for him.”

“Sweetie, I don’t think you need to worry about that,” Emma smiled. “It’s not like you locked yourself away in your room for six months and stared out the window. You are getting on with your life. You moved out on your own, you aren’t waiting hand and foot on everyone around you—hell, just you being here is a big deal. Getting you out of the house used to be like pulling teeth!”

“She’s right, Lily,” Maggie joined in. “You are becoming a new person. I always liked you before, but I really love who you have become. You’re sassy and you don’t take our shit, and that’s just the kind of friend we need. It’s inspirational to see you blossom like this.” She smiled wickedly before adding, “In fact, the whole situation is inspirational. If your relationship had ended better, I totally would have stolen it for my next book. When I first figured out what was going on, my fingers were just itching to start typing!”

Lily rolled her eyes and sighed loudly. “Well maybe you can write me the happy ending that I didn’t get.”

“Would you take him back if he showed up tomorrow?” Emma asked.

“Jeez, Emma, we’re trying to get her to move on from this topic, not beat her over the head with it.”

“I want to know how she feels,” Emma explained. “Besides, how can someone really learn and grow from an experience if they never really know how they felt about it?”

“Wow, that’s almost profound,” Maggie teased. “When did you get all deep and shit?” She hiccupped loudly, reminding them all just how much they had to drink. Emma flipped her the bird again, and they all started laughing.

“I don’t know,” Lily finally said after some of the giggling had died down. “My pride tells me that I should tell him to shove it up his ass and slam the door in his face, but if it ever actually came to that, I really don’t think I could do it.”

“Aw, really?” Maggie pouted, her glorified image of
Lily the Superbitch
dashed in a heartbeat.

“I’m sorry, I can’t help it.
He
ended it, not me. Just because he can apparently shut off his emotions in a split second doesn’t mean that I can.”

“You still love him, don’t you?” Emma whispered.

“Of
course
I do,” Lily groaned, dropping her head down on the table with a loud thud. “Ow.” She rubbed at her forehead quickly before continuing. “I think what hurts the most is that I had just really come to terms with how much I loved him when he left, so now I’m all alone and missing him, wishing I had only told him sooner. I don’t know if it would have mattered enough to make him stay, but at least I’d have the peace of mind knowing that I gave it my all. He was the first person to make me feel like I really had anything worth giving. I never found anything I wanted enough to fight for before him.” She looked up when she realized how quiet it had become and found both women both staring at her, hanging on every word. “What?”

“That’s kinda beautiful,” Emma sighed.

“Yeah,” Maggie nodded.

“Well, whatever it is, I can’t just turn it off because he’s gone. All I can do is get on with really living my life for once and hope that the pain will go away eventually. I know it will happen if I give it long enough and force myself to not obsess over it. But if he came back tomorrow?” She paused. “I think things would definitely have to be different than before, but deep down, I really just want him back. I want the chance to see if we are as good together as it felt like we’d be.”

“Even after he did that to you?” Emma said in amazement.

“I think I get it,” Maggie said sadly. “I think I’d be the same way if Eric ever left. I can’t imagine him ever doing that, but if he was just suddenly gone, I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. He’s like the other half of me. Nothing would feel right until he was back.”

“He’s gone all the time, Maggie.”

“It’s not the same, Emma. That’s work. We talk all the time and I know he’s coming home to me when he’s done. And I’m here with all of his things around me, always reminding me of him.” She suddenly gasped and looked at Lily. “Oh man! I just got it!”

“What?” the other two said in unison, both startled at her sudden outburst.

“I just realized why you took that apartment.”

“What do you mean?” Lily asked nervously.

“Well, I always thought it was a little creepy that you rented the same place where you used to hook up with him. No offense or anything—it’s a totally cute place now—but it just didn’t make sense to me why you would want to torture yourself like that.”

“Do you care to share with the rest of the class?” Emma prompted, making a rolling gesture with her hand to signal her to continue.

“It’s all she has left of him, Emma. I thought it was maybe some odd way that she was conquering her demons or something, but that’s not it at all.” She turned to look at Lily again. “It’s just your only way to be near your other half, isn’t it?”

“Pretty much,” Lily sighed, hugging her knees to her chest. She didn’t want to draw their attention to the oversized Aledo High School sweatpants and pullover she was wearing—the same thing she’d worn to bed every night since she’d found them in her laundry after Ethan had loaned them to her the morning after her drunken night of karaoke. She knew it probably wasn’t healthy to become so attached to his clothes just to feel him around her at night, but she wasn’t ready to give them up, and she silently hoped the girls wouldn’t suddenly remember that she’d never even gone to Aledo High School. She also couldn’t fake that she’d bought them recently if they noticed. Aledo High School didn’t even exist anymore. It had merged with another school a few years back and become Mercer County High School, a fact that still irked a lot of former students.