The Blank Canvas (Apartment #2) (2 page)

Refusing to be silent in the face of his rage, Lily kept going. “So because he ruined his body with meth and emotionally abused your mother so much she abandoned her own son to save herself, that means that you are bound to him forever?”

“Shut up!”

“No, I won’t,” she said more calmly than she felt. “Just because she made the mistake of leaving you here with him, it doesn’t mean that you are stuck here forever. I understand wanting to help him through a hard time, but he has done nothing in all these years but get worse! Why do you think my father can’t stand to be around him anymore? They used to be best friends, for God’s sake, and now whenever I mention Sam’s name my dad gets sad. He tried so hard to talk him into getting help. It broke his heart to watch him become what he is today. When your mother left, that was the last straw. I think he’s always blamed himself for not doing more for you. Hell, I’m pretty sure that’s why he wants us to get married so badly.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“It means that he loves you like a son, and he’s hoping that I’ll scoop you up and take care of you the way that I took care of him. I’m pretty sure he was hoping that I’d get you
out
of that situation, not get myself sucked into it.”

“But it would be better with you there, I just know it. My dad likes you! He’s on his best behavior when you’re there. And you’re a nurse. You could help me take care of him.”

“Are you even
listening
to yourself? Do you hear what you’re saying?” Lily couldn’t believe that after she’d spent so much time dreaming of a life in which she wasn’t waiting on someone hand and foot, her own fiancé had been planning on signing her up for indentured servitude.

He let go of her and stepped back, dropping his gaze to the floor. When he spoke again it was a quiet whisper. “You’re acting like I’m some kind of monster just because I want to help my dad.”

Lily felt her heart go out to him, finally seeing just how confused and misguided he had become. Closing the gap between them, she hugged him and put his head on her shoulder. Stroking his hair, she sighed before finally speaking.

“Scott, you’re not a monster. You love him, I know that. But what you’re doing now isn’t helping him. He needs
real
help, not the kind you can give him. And if he refuses that, there’s no reason you should throw your life away making runs to the liquor store for him and helping him to bed every night. And it’s totally unfair to expect me to throw my life away.”

“Then what? What do I do? I thought I had everything worked out, but now I don’t have a clue.” She could hear him swallowing a lump in his throat. “I really thought you were the answer.” He seemed to finally understand.

“I know,” she whispered. “But this just isn’t right. I think you know that now as much as I do.”

He looked at her, slowly reaching up to cup her chin. “I really do love you, you know.”

“And I love you. I always have. But I don’t think either one of us feels the kind of love we’re supposed to feel. We’re like best buddies. You deserve to go somewhere and find a girl who will love you with her whole heart.”

“But everything is so much easier with you,” he chuckled. “We hardly ever fight and you put up with my shit.”

Lily smiled softly, but her eyes were sad. “That’s because there’s no passion between us, sweetie. I know that now.” Her mind flashed through so many heated encounters with Ethan that she lost count. “When that kind of passion is there, it makes the fighting and nagging worth it, because the good times are so much better.”

“I’ve never had that before,” he said quietly. “I just thought that we clicked so well that it had to work.”

“We would have been comfortable, but deep down we both would have been bored to death.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right.” He looked at her for a moment before leaning down and kissing her softly. They both knew it was nothing more than a friendly gesture, the comfort of a good friend. “So what happens now?”

Lily reached into her pocket and pulled out the ring she had hardly ever worn. “You should have this back,” she whispered, holding her open hand out to him. “You saved up a long time for it. I’m sure you could use the money for a fresh start.”

“Wow,” he sighed, taking the ring from her small hand. “I can’t believe this is really happening.” He turned it over in his huge fingers, watching the slight sparkle from the small stone. “Do you really think I can start over?”

Lily stood up on her tiptoes, kissing him soundly on the cheek. “Absolutely. I think you can do anything you set your mind to. You just have to try.”

“Thanks, Lil.”

“Thank you for understanding.”

* * *

A little over an hour later, Lily sat alone in her father’s kitchen. She still felt completely raw, as if her entire body had been turned inside out, but she was pleased to notice a new lightness in her chest. She hadn’t realized just how much the guilt of stringing Scott along had been weighing her down, and she was happy that they were able to end things so amicably.

A part of her wondered if she should have come clean about her affair, but she couldn’t find any reason to hurt him more than necessary. If it had come down to it, if he hadn’t been so understanding and had demanded another reason, she would have told him. But as it was, she was just happy it was finally over. She knew that telling him anything more now would only serve to lessen her guilt, and in her mind that guilt was her own punishment to bear.

She looked around the dark kitchen, food the furthest thing from her mind, and wondered what she was going do now. She had finally started down a new path, but she wouldn’t be able to spend it with the person she cared most about. Sighing deeply, she pushed back her tears and forced herself to think about the topic at hand.

George.

She knew he would be home any minute, so she spent what quiet time she had left preparing herself for the inevitable confrontation.

He walked into the kitchen about ten minutes later, surprised to find her waiting for him in a silent house with a mug of hot cocoa in her hand. It was still fairly full, since her diminished appetite had only allowed her a few sips, but she figured it might be helpful to have something to do with her hands during the upcoming conversation.

“Lil?” he asked, sensing something was up. “What’s going on?”

“Pull up a chair,” she said as calmly as possible, trying to keep her voice from wavering.

“Alright,” he said hesitantly. Once he was seated across from her, he sighed loudly. “Want to tell me what this is all about?”

“Listen. I have some news, and I didn’t think it should wait.”

“Are you pregnant?” he asked, a slight enthusiastic edge to his voice.

“No!” she gasped. “God, no! Why on earth would you think that?”

“Well, you said you had news. Forgive me for jumping to conclusions. So? Whatcha got for me?”

Lily took a deep breath. “I’m moving out.”

There was a beat of silence. “Oh,” he replied quietly. “So soon?”

“Soon? Dad, it’s been three years.”

“I know. I guess I just figured you two would wait until closer to the wedding. So, where are you guys going to live?”

“Actually, that’s the other part of my news. I’m moving out alone. The engagement is off.”

“Are you alright?” he asked quickly. “What happened? Did you fight? Did he hurt you? Do I need to kick his ass?”

“Slow down, Dad. Take a breath.”

“Tell me what happened, Lil.”

“We ended it.”

“Care to be more specific?” George asked sarcastically.

“We both agreed that we aren’t the right people for each other. There wasn’t any one thing that happened, Dad. We aren’t mad at each other, there was no big fight. We just aren’t together anymore.”

“Not right for each other?” he yelled. “What are you talking about? You two are a perfect couple!”

“Not even close, Dad.”

“I just don’t get it,” George sighed, running his hands through his hair. “He’s a great kid, Lily. He’s always treated you well.”

“If you love him so much why don’t you marry him, then?” she snapped, regretting it instantly when he winced. “Listen, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. But you’re supposed to care about what I want and need, and it’s not Scott. It hasn’t been for a long time, and I finally found the courage to admit it to him. I didn’t think we had any business getting married when we just weren’t in love.”

“But he loved you. That was easy to see.”

“Yes, he loved me. And I loved him. But it wasn’t the right kind of love, Dad. I hope you understand because I need that to be enough for you.”

“I’m sorry, this is just a lot to take in. You swear you’re okay?”

“Yes, I’m fine. And so is Scott, don’t worry. I know you care about him. You can still hang out with him whenever you want. I won’t mind. But I’m not going to be here to bust my ass making you both dinner anymore.”

“You mean you’re still moving out? Why?”

“Dad, really? I’m almost thirty, single, and living with my father. It’s time for me to be on my own.”

“But… but who’s gonna help me out around here? You know my leg still bothers me.”

“Your leg is fine. You’ve just gotten used to having me wait on you hand and foot, and now you don’t like the thought of going back to what it was like before. Well, if I remember correctly, you used to whine and moan when I first moved in, telling me over and over again how you somehow managed to get by on your own for over twenty years without my help. Now’s your chance to prove it.”

Lily could see him blinking rapidly, and on closer inspection, she noticed that his eyes looked watery.

“That’s not it,” he whispered, swallowing a lump in his throat. “I’ll be fine. I admit I’ve gotten a little lazy around here, but I think I can remember how to use the microwave. It’s just that I’m really going to miss you around here. I love you, Lil.”

She could probably count on one hand how many times she had heard her father say that.

“I love you too. And it’s not like I’m going back to Minnesota and you’ll never see me again. I’m just moving into an apartment across town. I’ll even have you over for Sunday breakfast someday.”

“I guess that’s not so bad,” he said. Lily watched as his thick mustache twitched at the corners, eventually turning up into a smile. “At least you’ll finally get those damn cats out of here.”

“Hey! Don’t knock the Fraggle twins. I know you secretly love them.”

After a few uncomfortable moments of silence he glanced at his watch. “I should probably be getting to bed. I have to be at the school early tomorrow.” He stood up from the table, wiping at his eyes quickly when he thought she wasn’t looking. As he turned to leave, he stopped and looked at her one more time. “Are you sure you’re going to be okay, kiddo?”

“Yeah, Dad. I think everything is going to be just fine.”

She almost believed it.

* * *

After George went to bed, she slowly made her way upstairs and got ready to turn in herself. It wasn’t until she was settled underneath the covers that she finally lost control of her thoughts, allowing all of the memories to come flooding back again.

Ethan, holding her tightly in the dark, stroking her bare shoulders and kissing her softly.

Ethan, waking her up in the middle of the night with his wandering fingers.

Ethan, smiling and laughing as she tickled him playfully.

When she couldn’t take any more, Lily rolled over onto her side and cried herself to sleep.

“Jesus Christ, Lily, would you just pick one already?” Emma slurred as she drummed her manicured nails impatiently on the coffee table.

“Seriously!” Maggie groaned from the other end of the table.

“Hey, lay off! I rolled exactly the right number to try for another pie piece, but I don’t know which color I should choose. Pink is my favorite category, but I gotta get that fucking green one out of the way. I hate Science & Nature. I always blank on the answer, even when I know it.”

“Lily, everyone loves pink,” Emma chided. “Entertainment is the easiest category.”

“Speak for yourself, bitch. I like sports.”

“Oh shut it, Maggie. We can’t all be married to the NFL.” Maggie stuck out her tongue childishly at Emma before tipping back her margarita and slurping loudly. Emma flipped her the bird and looked back across the table without losing her focus.

“Alright Lily,
today
!”

“Fine, pink. Do it before I change my mind.” Lily finished the rest of her drink as Emma fished out another card from the box.

“Okay,” Emma cleared her throat before continuing. “In the Steve Martin remake of
Father of the Bride
, what was the final head count at his daughter’s wedding?”

“Five hundred and seventy-two,” Lily answered without even blinking.

“Holy shit!” Maggie blurted, almost spitting out her drink.

“How the hell did you know that?” Emma asked, her mouth still hanging open.

“Girls, let me tell you, if it’s a movie that I was remotely interested in when I was younger, I can probably quote the entire thing to you. I just have this strange knack for remembering useless bullshit, and movies were one of my favorite ways to kill time. Now shut up and give me my pink pie piece,” Lily teased, holding her hand out across the table toward Emma, who had announced at the beginning of the game that she always hands out the pie pieces.

“Alright, Rain Main, don’t get your panties in a wad,” she laughed, handing her the tiny plastic triangle. “Maggie, you’re next.”

“Wait,” Maggie replied, getting up from her kneeling position on the carpet. “I call break. We’re out of margaritas and I really need to pee.” She grabbed the empty pitcher and headed to her enormous kitchen, which currently looked like a disaster area, covered with bags and boxes of junk food.

The Foster girls knew how to do a girls’ night right.

“Hey, how are you doing, Lily?” Emma whispered as soon as Maggie was out of earshot.

“Oh,” she sighed, “I’m okay, I suppose. Every day goes by a little easier.”

“Good.” Emma smiled, reached over, and patted her hand. “I’m happy to hear that.”