The Blank Canvas (Apartment #2) (6 page)

“So you’ve been here this whole time, wanting and missing her and wishing you’d never left, but trying to sacrifice your happiness for hers? Am I hearing this right?”

“Yeah,” he sniffled.

“Then why did you ignore all of us? You could have told us that a long time ago and spared us the worry that you were going to turn up dead any day!”

“I’m sorry! It’s just that, after the dinner party, I saw how much you all loved her. Here was this sweet, young, lovable girl who only ever wanted to help people, and I was corrupting the shit out of her. I had her ready to throw away everything she knew for me and I fucking loved it!” he admitted. “I was so consumed by her. She was all I wanted. And when she told me that she was going to end her engagement, I had this flash of all of your faces being really pissed at me and being ashamed of me for letting you down again. And you know what scared me the most?”

“What?”

“I didn’t even fucking care! I heard her say those words and even though I knew how disappointed everyone would be in me, all I wanted was to pick her up and throw her over my shoulder and disappear into the sunset and forget about everyone else.”

“So, what stopped you?”

“Don’t you see? I was doing it all over again. I was being the selfish prick who never thought about anybody else but himself. I stayed in town after Dad’s party to try and find a way back into the family. I missed everyone so much, but it was all so different after being gone for so many years. I felt so much shame about what I had let my life become, and there I was getting ready to do it all over again! I just couldn’t face you guys after that. I just couldn’t.”

“Ethan, when are you going to get over this crazy delusion that Mom and Dad are going to disown you or something? I’ve done a lot of stupid shit in my life and they have always been there for me. So, you dated a total bitch and got hooked on booger sugar, so what? You’re still their son, and they will always love you. The same goes for me and Emma.” He thought for a moment and chuckled to himself. “Shit, I’d really like to keep beating the crap out of you for this, but it doesn’t make me love you any less.”

Ethan couldn’t hold back a smile at that, no matter how much his face ached. It was short-lived, however; the moment his thoughts returned to Lily, he began to choke up again. “I don’t know how to fucking exist without her, man. I know it sounds stupid. I hardly knew her. We spent less than a month together!”

“But you don’t feel right when you’re alone in your bed at night, do you?” he asked knowingly.

“No! I can’t even sleep! She’s everywhere. She’s haunting me.”

“You think about her all day, and if you manage to fall asleep, she’s in your dreams too.”

“Yes! Why can’t I shake it? Why can’t I let her go? I keep telling myself that with enough distance and time, I will finally be able to focus again, but it’s only getting worse! Fuck, detox didn’t hurt this bad.”

“That’s
love
, bro,” Eric answered simply. “I tried to tell you that. You finally got bitten by the Foster bug. I don’t know what it is about us, but we don’t love lightly—or gently. Look at me and Maggie. There are times I think I could strangle her with my bare hands, she gets under my skin so bad, but I couldn’t fucking function without her in my life. She’s like my oxygen. She’s really my other half, and whenever I have to leave her for work, I feel like I’ve been ripped in two.”

“That’s how I feel, and it scares the shit out of me! There’s no way she could have felt anything like that for me, even if she was having a good time. That’s why I’ve been hoping she got married, and at least something good came from my leaving.”

“Ethan, pull your head out of your ass!” Eric yelled, his frustration reaching a breaking point.

“Huh?”

“That is not what you want, and you know it! You just want to be able to not feel guilty for leaving her that way. And like it or not, you can’t just decide what other people should and shouldn’t feel. Who the fuck do you think you are to belittle her feelings and assume that she isn’t capable of that kind of love?”

“Wait, no. It’s not that I don’t think she’s capable. It’s just that…”

“What?” Eric growled, clearly growing tired of his excuses.

“Well, why the hell would she feel it for
me
?” he asked, his voice dripping with insecurity. “I’m not worth it. I didn’t bring anything to the table but my dick, and that is not enough to base a relationship on.”

“Do you honestly think you’re the first couple who hooked up before they worked out the finer details? Shit, Maggie sucked me off at some frat party before I even learned her name. We were just drawn to each other. It was insane. And I don’t think Emma and Brandon spoke more than ten words to each other the whole first year they were dating—they were too busy fucking like rabbits.”

“But this is diff—”

“Ethan, she still called off the wedding,” Eric cut in, allowing his words to hang in the air as his confused brother attempted to decipher them.

“But—but she,” Ethan stammered.

“And she moved out of her father’s house.” Eric looked like he was starting to enjoy making Ethan squirm.

“She moved? Where? Did she leave town?” Ethan was breathing rapidly, only seconds away from a total meltdown.

“Oh, you don’t like not knowing where someone you care about is living?” he replied with an evil grin. “Does the possibility of her disappearing off the face of the earth and never hearing from her again bother you?”

“God dammit! Where the fuck is she?!” Ethan snarled, reaching forward and grabbing Eric by the shirt with clenched fists.

“Not so nice, is it?” Eric calmly replied, unflinching in the face of so much rage. He watched as realization slowly dawned on Ethan, his face morphing from one of fury to one of anguish. He could actually see the moment when it all sank in, and Ethan finally knew what he had done to his family and the woman he loved.

Releasing Eric’s shirt gently and sitting back in his chair, he ran his hands over his face and up into his hair, fisting dirty handfuls with a loud groan. “I’ve really lost her, haven’t I?” he choked out.

“I don’t know, man,” Eric answered honestly. “She was really hurting for a long fucking time. For as much as she’s changed, there’s still a sadness in her eyes. I don’t know if she would take you back now or not, but if there’s a chance that your sorry ass is the only thing that will make her happy then it’s my job to drag you back there.”

Ethan’s eyes lit up. “So she’s still in Aledo?”

“Yes, asshole, she’s still in Aledo,” he sighed.

Ethan’s face fell as another possibility dawned on him. “But what if she won’t see me? What if she refuses to take me back?”

“Then that’s her choice to make, but at least you gave her the choice. It’s a hell of a lot better than making all of her decisions for her and running off with your tail between your legs. Besides, even if she makes you jump through hoops, I really can’t see her blowing you off completely. She’s fucking shacked up in that piece of shit apartment just to be close to you.”

“She’s living there?” he gasped, a whole new feeling of hope sweeping through him.

“Yeah. I think it’s fucked up, personally, but she just tells me to butt out, so I do.”

“Then what the fuck are we waiting for?” Ethan snapped, jumping up and running into the bedroom. He stopped short in the entrance when he noticed that all of his bags had already been packed and were sitting in the middle of the freshly made bed.

“Our flight’s in three hours,” Eric said behind him, clapping his large hand down on his shoulder. “I didn’t know what you wanted done with the canvases, so I’m sure you’ll need to make some calls.”

As Ethan nodded eagerly and made to reach for his phone, Eric squeezed harder on his shoulder and yanked him back to his side. “Not so fast, stinky. Do us all a favor and get your skinny ass in the shower. I’m not taking you anywhere looking like that.”

* * *

An hour later, Ethan was cleaner than he’d been in days. His scruffy three-day beard had been shaved off, but it only served to highlight his newly bruised skin. He’d arranged for his paintings to be shipped and was bouncing around excitedly as they grabbed his bags and left the hotel.

“Dude, I’m glad to see you so lively and all,” Eric said as they entered the cab for the airport, “but I hope you know that you aren’t going straight to her.”

Ethan’s face fell as if someone had flipped a switch. “What do you mean? I need to see her!”

“Yeah, I know. But you need to get yourself together first. You’re in no shape to go wooing, douchebag. Besides, the entire family is waiting for me to drag you back dead or alive, so I’m pretty sure the inquisition is going to happen as soon as you walk in the door.”

“Oh God,” Ethan groaned.

“Yeah, I know,” he said again, chuckling this time. “But you need to let them love you, bro. Give them the chance to show you that they aren’t judging you. They may beat your ass worse than I did at first, but it’s only because they’ve been so worried.”

They were both silent for a while as they drove through the busy streets, staring out at the bright lights as they streaked by in the darkness.

“Eric?” Ethan’s quiet voice broke the silence.

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

Eric nodded quickly but didn’t say anything, preferring to leave it be, but that didn’t stop the small smile from reaching his face as he turned to look out the window again.

For the first time in years, he felt like he had his brother back.

As Ethan pulled his crappy Nissan rental car—the only one he could get on short notice—into the familiar parking lot, he couldn’t stop a fresh wave of nerves from overtaking him when he saw the monstrous Oldsmobile parked in his old spot.

She was there.

She was there, and he had absolutely no idea how she was going to receive him— or if she
would
receive him. He hadn’t exactly called her to give her a heads up that he was in town; in fact, he still didn’t even have her phone number.

Truthfully, he didn’t want to give her the chance to run away before he could see her again, and there was also a small part of him that hoped she might give him her number herself—if he was brave enough to ask for it. It hadn’t escaped him that while he had done just about everything under the sun with her sexually, he was still terrified of something as simple as asking for her phone number. That was the kind of thing you were supposed to do when you first met someone you were interested in.
Not
fuck them roughly on a kitchen counter.

They certainly had a knack for doing things backwards.

Ethan made his way across the lot, slowly approaching the familiar staircase that led up to the apartment. As he quietly walked up the steps, he couldn’t help but recall the last time he’d been in that very spot, carrying an eager Lily upstairs to screw her six ways to Sunday. It had been the same day he’d learned her name.

Once again: backwards.

He had to force himself to think of something else, already feeling his body responding to the memory. He couldn’t help it lately—just the slightest thought of her caused him to react that way. When combined with specific memories of what they had done together, it was damn near painful. The whole time he had been gone, he had felt dead to the world, numb to every sensation but his grief. However, over the last week since he’d been home again, he found that he was more high strung than he’d been in years, as if his entire body was on high alert for Lily—as if it could sense she was close.

When he finally got control of his thoughts and his flesh, Ethan stepped forward the last few feet and raised his hand to knock. His knuckles were less than an inch from the door when a muffled voice inside made him pause. He pressed his ear to the wood, hoping to make out whom the voice belonged to. If she was entertaining company or had a… guest… he didn’t want to disrupt her night.

“No, Mom… I’m fine. Why do you keep asking me that?”

It was definitely her voice and just the sound of it caused a deep ache in his chest. He listened for a reply, but there was none, only Lily again. “It’s been months now, for God’s sake! You didn’t even know Scott, why do you care that it’s over?” More silence. “Oh,
please
! I know you are just concerned, but I’m a big girl. I’m the one who ended it, remember? I wouldn’t have done that if I wasn’t ready to be alone.”

She was obviously talking on the phone, but it didn’t stop Ethan from listening further. The topic itself was interesting enough, but what he couldn’t get over was how lovely her voice sounded. He had somehow forgotten that. He knew it was beautiful, but he had forgotten the way it made him feel whenever he heard it.

“No, I don’t feel guilty. I actually just spoke with him the other day, and he’s doing great.… Yeah, really. He took that garage job I told you about in St. Louis after Sam kicked him out … I know, he was always a dick. Anyway, he loves it there and he’s even dating already… I don’t know, some girl named Abby or something, that’s not important right now. What’s important is that he called me up out of the blue to
thank
me. He said that he never would have had the courage to move on if I hadn’t called bullshit on our entire relationship.”

Ethan wanted to smack himself after hearing that. If he had only given her a little more time, if he had only trusted her to know what she wanted in life, then they would be together already rather than him standing outside their—
her
—door like a stalker.

He heard her groan in frustration before speaking again. “No, I do not feel lonely all by myself. I actually do way more now than I ever did living at Dad’s and dating Scott. I go out with friends from work now. Hell, I actually
have
friends from work now. I have a life again. I’m sorry if you think I need a man to make the world go ’round, but I am perfectly content to let it happen in its own time. We can’t all be defined by the men we marry. How
is
number four, by the way?”

He could hear her pacing around the front room as she listened to her mother, back and forth across the floor, and he could almost taste her desperation to end the call. Not allowing himself to stall another minute, he rapped lightly on the door.