Authors: Vivienne Harris-Scott
“
James, Where are you? I need to talk to
her.
”
Julian
repeats angrily.
“
Well, I
’
m afraid, it
’
s just me you
’
ll have to talk to
…”
he glances at her, and she is still
looking through the window,
“
Whatever you want to say, go ahead
…”
he punctuates.
He hears Julian sighs, when he asks,
“
Is she listening to this?
”
“
Julian, you have about two minutes before
I have to disconnect this call.
”
James states, as he takes the exit into Wilshire
Boulevard, just a few blocks from her apartment in Santa Monica.
“
Vi, baby, we need to talk. You can
’
t just announce you are pregnant and bolt
…”
Julian starts.
James looks at her, surprised, but she
remains silent, as do Julian, as do James, until finally Julian says,
”
Vi, this isn
’
t over
…”
but she interrupts him, when she says
with a icy voice, emotionless,
”
On the contrary Julian, there isn
’
t going to be any encore. It is over and
done with. Happy birthday.
”
and she disconnects the call.
((~~!~~))
“
You know, he
’
s going to keep on calling.
”
James says, as his phone starts ringing
again and goes to voicemail.
“
Let him, James.
”
she says softly, looking straight ahead,
as he just parked the car in front of her building.
“
Vi. How about I take you to dinner? Then
if you still want to go to Boston, I
’
ll drop you off at LAX.
”
She turns her head and look at him, her
expression blank.
‘
Vi?
”
he asks, worried.
“
Hmm?
”
she mumbles pensively.
“
You look pale, I
’
m not sure
…”
he starts.
“
James. I
’
m ok. It
’
s just the excitement taking its toll.
Nothing to worry about, I promise
…”
she responds, as color seems to return to
her face.
She smiles, and says weakly,
“
And I owe you dinner, so let me treat you.
I think I need some red meat in me! Hah, the joys of being pregnant
…”
she chuckles.
Just as the ring starts again, they exit
the car to walk to
Melisse
.
Julian
I am scared.
I never get scared, but tonight I am.
Today is my 44
th
birthday.
It
’
s past midnight and I think there
’
re still 200 people downstairs, and I am
hiding in my room.
It
’
s been the worst and the best day of my
life.
The woman I love reappeared into my life
to tell me we are expecting a child. Our child.
But she also left me and from her last words,
I am afraid, there will be no future for us or even a child at all.
There is this voice inside of me that is
telling me to stop for a second and just think before doing anything else I
will certainly regret.
My first instinct was to run after her when
she left my house, something I didn
’
t do when she left in Dubai after dropping
her last bombshell, but I simply didn
’
t know where to go to look for her, since
the one person who could help me was actually with her and clearly showed on
which side he was on. And, it wasn
’
t mine.
James fucking Marshall! I wish I could
wring his neck! That son of a bitch always seems to be around when she leaves
me scrapping for air
…
The past few hours have been a roller
coaster and I am forced to take a step back because it
’
s all too much.
Melissa and Charlie are taking care of the
guests for me, and I haven
’
t told them the news yet because after the utter shock
of hearing the words, I simply don
’
t know how to voice what I feel.
I
’
m going to be a father.
Again.
((~~!~~))
Madeline Sara McCarty.
My daughter. I never say her name out
loud. Not ever, not since the day she was ripped away from my life.
If there is one thing, her death taught me
is that one need to cherish each day as if it was the last, but also learn to
let go.
Everyone reacts to death differently.
Especially when the death in question is the one of your own child
…
and you are responsible for it.
Ask any parent who has lost a young child,
or a child of any age for that matter, it is a terrible experience some just
never recover from. You are never quite the same, period. And when you know in
your heart that the event could have been prevented and avoided altogether if
your own selfishness and pride hadn
’
t gotten in the way, you swear to
yourself: never again.
Yes, this is a lesson you learn,
the
hard way
.
Then, you do the best you can. You keep
telling yourself you
’
re going to be okay, and eventually you
are.
Well, sort of. There are days the memories
catch up with you, there are days you can
’
t escape the grief that assault you in the
middle of a sleepless night or in the middle of your workday when you see that
little something that reminds you of
…
But you do the best you can, find
mechanisms to cope. To each their own. For me, I need to pretend, my life wasn
’
t over, so working, pretending to be some
else, and sex became my outlets. I needed to feel alive because I was so deaden
inside, and it kind of worked.
I got back on track, became an even wider
success professionally, slept with hundreds of women who boosted my ego,
somehow reassuring me that I wasn
’
t some piece of egotistical shit,
undeserving of their attention and love, because I was responsible for my own
child
’
s death.
Bust most importantly, I never really was
forced to look at what I had become.
I didn
’
t have dreams, or expectations anymore; I
just lived through the motions a rather enviable and enjoyable life.
My heart never at stake.
Until
her
.
Vi.
The
One
who changed it all.
First against all odds, I fell in love with
her, then I found out who she really was, and instead of being deterred, I
loved her even more, but realized I had to let her go because I felt if I didn
’
t she would eventually leave me, and it
would be much worse.
And now, she is pregnant with my child,
and I am scared to death.
((~~!~~))
I never thought I
’
d ever be a father again.
In fact, quite the contrary. I made sure
to never insert myself in any relationship to prevent this very fact to happen,
and I always bag up when I
’
m with a woman, just as to make sure, trapping
‘
accidents
’
don
’
t just happen
…
I
’
ve become a selfish son of a bitch in the
past few years, maybe even more so than I was previously, and I simply don
’
t have it in me to have and love another
child.
I can
’
t even let myself love a woman!
That
’
s one of the main reasons I felt safe with
Frances, there is no emotional investment, no baby trap on the horizon.
Yes, I was content with my life and if the
need of young entertainment rose, I had my two nieces, and they gave me enough
grief at each visit. Not that I regret any of it. I love them. I do love
children, but I simply never ever thought I
’
d have the chance to have one of my own.
And I
’
m not really into adopting and being a
single dad
…
I
’
m still a traditionalist in that regards,
and believe children need two parents
…
.
And since, I do not trust women; that
pretty much locked the door on any dream of family unit for me.
Call me traumatised by the whole Belinda
experience if you will
…
And, one would say I also have serious
mother issues but I won
’
t even go there because they
’
d be right, and my mother is dead so the
damage is done and can never be fixed
…
And now, here I am, in love with a woman,
and low and behold, she
’
s expecting my child.
And as if it wasn
’
t enough, she is who she is.
My best friend
’
s, my brother from another mother
’
s ex...
Fuck me dead!
I almost wish it literally.
Sometimes, you just want to close your
eyes, and sleep until the storm has passed.
Tonight is one of these times.
Except, I can
’
t go to sleep.
I caused the hurricane that is leaving my
life in shatters.
Fuck!
Julian and Ethan
“
Hello?
”
he says in raspy voice. He
’
s got a mild flu and tucked in early, and just
as he had finally managed to hit dreamland, the persistent ring of the phone
pulled him out. He looks at the clock that shows 10:39 pm, and swears. He
flicks the nightstand lamp on and sourly repeats,
“
Hello?
”
“
You knew?
”
is asked in a breaking voice.
“
Julian?
”
Ethan coughs, sitting up in his bed.
“
E. She is pregnant with my child! How long
have you known?
”
he repeats, reproachful.
“
I found out the first week she got here.
”
Ethan truthfully replies, sipping on a
glass of water and wondering what the hell happened now.
Julian remains silent. Then in a barely
audible voice asks,
“
Why did she stay so many weeks?
”
“
Jay, what is going on? Why are you calling
me? Isn
’
t she with you?
“
Ethan asks, worriedly.
“
No she isn
’
t. I don
’
t know where she is
…”
his friend painfully admits.
“
Jay, are you going to tell me what
happened? When she left Sydney two days ago, she was going straight to you
…
Now you tell me you don
’
t know where she is and yet you know she
is pregnant, which I assume she told you face to face
…
You
’
re calling me in the middle of the night,
so what the hell happened?!
”
Ethan spits, impatiently, now fully awake.
“
She came to my birthday party today, last
night, and some stuff happened
…”
his voice trails, unable to confess what truly
transpired, but Ethan cuts in saying coolly,
“
You mean she caught you with another
woman?
”
He hears his friend sigh and growl.
“
Jay! Seriously?! I thought you loved her?
Isn
’
t it the reason you sent her here? Because
you want her to be happy?
”
“
I love her, and yes, it was!
”
is snapped back.
“
Well, if this is the best you can do for
the woman you supposedly love
…”
Ethan mumbles.
“
Fuck E.! I
’
m human! You of all people
…”
Julian protests.
But Ethan interrupts him,
“
Don
’
t even go there. You have no idea what you
are talking about. But I
’
ll tell you this, Vic doesn
’
t get fazed by this sort of things, she
just gets even, that
’
s her MO. So, brace yourself. I don
’
t know who she caught you with but
…”
“
Frances Palmers.
”
Is lowly uttered.
“
Oh brother, you
’
re still involved with her?
”
Ethan is barely surprised. Vic mentioned
the woman to him. Old habits die hard. He knows this better than most.
“
Frances doesn
’
t matter!
”
Julian yells.
“
Why didn
’
t you warn me she was coming back?
”
he asks plaintively.
“
Warn you? Fuck Jay, since when do I need
to warn you the love of my life is going back to you?
”
Ethan retorts angrily.
Julian is silent, he knows he fucked up
and now is alienating the only person who can actually help him.
“
I
’
m sorry. E
…
. I-I just feel like I
’
m losing my mind. I shouldn
’
t have yelled at you.
”
He apologizes, his voice steadier and
calmer.
“
Some birthday
…”
He starts again, softly,
”
I was shocked to see her. I had almost
accepted she was never coming back
…
She was staying in Sydney with you
…”
he continues, his voice, hesitant,
unsure of what to say.
“
Jay. She loves you. I had to let her go.
”
Ethan states simply.
“
Just like that?
”
Julian wonders, bewildered at Ethan
’
s capitulation.
"No. I just want what
’
s best for her, and right now it isn
’
t me." Ethan says feeling his heart
clawing through his ribs and his lungs, jumping from the huge hole in his chest
then falling dead to the floor, almost, never to beat again.
"It was hard, but I know that now.
And this is why I
’
m didn
’
t keep her prisoner of our past. This is
why I had to let her go, so she can be truly happy
…
with you."
Julian is silent; he realizes how much it
costs his friend to say these words to him. Yes, he knows because he has said
the very same words when he told her to go to Ethan, while his own heart broke.
“
Look Julian, I did this for her. It would
have been so easy to keep her here, let her stay
…
We would fallen back into old patterns
almost as if you never entered her life...We almost did, actually
…”
he admits, but pursues,
“
She loves me and I love her, this is still
very true. But, she would not have been completely happy. I would not have been
happy. See, I
’
ve come to realize my level of happiness
is linked to hers. If I know deep in my heart that being here is just an easy
way out because she is afraid of truly being with the man her heart desires,
then she
’
s not really here, not fully anyway, and I
can
’
t have that. Vic is complex, like a raw
diamond, one needs to appreciate all facets, and there are many, that
’
s the beauty of her. I can
’
t allow her to suppress parts of herself
again. I
’
d rather lose her than do that.
”
He sighs heavily and his voice almost
breaking, adds,
“
My threshold for pain is quite high, but I
couldn
’
t have her here miserable, I just couldn
’
t
…
so I had to let her go, force her to go
to you, as you did for me. It was tough, but the hardest would have been to
keep her here always wondering if we were living a lie. And then, there was the
baby and she had to
…”
“
E. do you think she would hurt the baby?
Get an abortion?
”
Julian asks, his voice full of anguish.
Ethan is stunned.
“
Jay! What the fuck?!
”
he erupts,
“
You think she would have an abortion
because she found you with Frances Palmers? Have you gone bloody bonkers?! What
makes you even think of this possibility?
”
Ethan hammers, voice booming.
He lights a cigarette. He
’
s getting angry and agitated. This
conversation needs to shift before he smashes something.
“
She caught us in bed, she told me she was pregnant
and left, and then when I called her, she was with James, and she told me point
blank we were over and done with. And her voice was cold E. like she meant
…”
“
No.
”
Ethan states, categorically,
”
Vic would never, ever, have an abortion.
First, she
’
s catholic. But even if she wasn
’
t, after all she went through to have
Luca, it
’
s simply impossible. I know my
wi
…
I know her. Trust me, she
’
ll find another way to punish you, this is
not one of them. She
’
d die for her child
…
.
”
he chokes as Luca vividly appears in his
mind, and he squeezed his eyelids shut to halt the burning sensation of his
tears.
Julian can feel the emotion of his friend
and kicks himself for even bringing the subject up, he decides to reorient the
conversation to safer grounds, and asks,
“
E why did she stays so long? Why did she
hide her pregnancy?
”
“
She didn
’
t hide it, she told me you didn
’
t let her talk when she saw you last,
almost threw her out of your house, and she promised me she would tell you next
time she talked to you. As a matter of fact, I was with her when you told her,
you wanted to move on, and she was desperate to tell you then but some woman
picked up your phone
…”
“
E. Why did she stay a month when she told
me she
’
d be done in just a matter of days?
”
he reiterates, knowing there is more than
what Ethan is saying.
“
She stayed because she was in pain Julian.
She stayed because we had to sort through some things. We had some stuff to
deal with. And no, I
’
m not telling you what exactly as it doesn
’
t concern you. Just she and I, and Luca.
And we did. She needed to get through it to be able to come to you. If she ever
wants to tell you, she will. Look, I only let her go because I want her to be
happy, and I believed I could trust you to take care of her
…”
“
I will.
”
he whispers, lowly, ashamed.
“
Really? And how do you propose to do that
when not only you don
’
t know where she is, but it also seems she
is so pissed at you she will not be back in your life for quite some time? Jay,
you
’
ve got to get your shit together. I mean
TOGETHER, because I won
’
t let you hurt her. First, you tell her
you
’
re moving on, and cutting all ties, now
you
’
re half broken because she is following
your lead and actually leaving you. I get there is a baby involved but what is
it you want exactly?
”
Ethan asks, frustrated.
“
I want her. I-
…”
Julian starts, but Ethan cuts in,
angrier,
“
Look Jay, I told her when she left that I
would be there for her, and I will be, whatever she needs. If she is coming
back home, thanks to your crap, you and I are going to have a serious problem
…”
his voice trails, his meaning crystal
clear.
“
E. She is pregnant with my child. If you
think for a second that I
’
m going to let her
…
-
”
Julian interrupts, his anger flaring up.
But Ethan cuts in,
“
Yes. Well, I have been there mate! I
’
ve made these exact same threats with the
exact same words!
”
Ethan sighs heavily,
”
Trust me when I tell you, be very careful
about what you say, because eventually it bites you in the ass tenfold. Look
Julian, I don
’
t know how upset she is, but one thing I
know, she will take care of herself and the baby. Now if I were you I would
seriously start thinking about what you
’
ll say to her when you see her, and what
kind of commitments you are offering, because I know her, and a cad is not
something she
’
ll ever go for. Take it from me
…”