The Whole Lesbian Sex Book (25 page)

You can request a tour of her vulva. If she has even a hint of exhibitionist tendencies, she’ll be more than happy to oblige you. And if you have a hint of the voyeur in you, this could make an exciting sexual scene in itself.

Pick a time when you’re both relaxed. Make sure the room is warm enough for you to be comfortably nude and sufficiently well lit for you to see every fold and detail of her vulva. Ask your partner to undress—you can strip down as well. Arrange lube, gloves, and sex toys nearby.

Ask your partner to touch herself for you. Watch how she handles her labia and clitoris. Notice how many fingers she uses, and whether she focuses her touch on the left or right labia, the clitoral shaft or hood, under the clitoral glans, or directly on the glans itself.

Then, take your own tour. Begin by massaging her inner thighs, butt, and outer labia. Snap on latex gloves, add plenty of water-based lube, and open her lips. Notice the glans of her clitoris. Has it retreated in its hood? Is it erect? How big is it? Are her lips engorging under your gaze? What color are they? Do her inner labia protrude from the outer lips?

Our hands are our first sexual tools—stroking, squeezing, caressing, kneading, grabbing, tickling, pinching, and slapping. Although very little pornography celebrates hands, a connoisseur will look at a new partner’s palms, fingers, and forearms, and evaluate the quality of their touch, and give it equal weight with the more obvious attributes.

PATRICK CALIFIA

Stimulate her entire vulva—outer labia, inner labia, perineum, the opening of the vagina—before you concentrate on the body of the clitoris. Run your fingers through her pubic hair, or, if she’s shaved, stroke the silky bare skin of her outer labia. Ask her which of your caresses she likes best. Pay attention to her responses—both verbal and nonverbal.

Many women prefer indirect stimulation until they’re extremely aroused. They may like caresses to the side or just above the clitoral glans. With arousal, the clitoris becomes erect and swollen and can take a lot more direct stimulation.

Your partner may like small circles traced lightly over the glans with just the tip of a forefinger, or a back-and-forth rubbing motion on the side of the clitoral shaft. She may like to feel two fingers sliding rapidly on either side of the clitoris. She may like you to press firmly on her mons with one hand as you stroke her clitoris with the other. Many women enjoy clitoral stimulation combined with vaginal or anal penetration.

Most woman require sustained stimulation to come. Some women reach orgasm best with increased speed and intensity; others prefer a very slow progression to orgasm, drawing out every last wave of sensation.

After orgasm, your partner may desire continued stimulation and may ride that coming into another orgasm, a series of multiple orgasms, or one long tsunami of pleasure. If she can’t tolerate such intense sensation, but doesn’t want to stop, back off. Slowly gather momentum. Subtle, indirect stimulation may work to get her up to that edge again.

What If Your Hand Gets Tired?

A tired hand may be a sign that you’re trying too hard—or that your partner isn’t aroused enough to reach orgasm. Is she turned on? Observe her body’s cues—moans, rocking hips, breathing. If you begin your sex play with direct clitoral attention, her arousal may never catch up to your level of intensity. Make sure she’s well aroused
before
you touch her clitoris.

“Please just caress me for a little while.” Of course, she can let you know that she’s not turned on enough to even think of reaching orgasm. And she can tell you what kind of stimulation she would prefer. Ask her what she needs to come.

Lube, lube, and more lube. A slippery, moist vulva will get aroused faster than a dry one. Her perception of wetness will make her feel sexy; her own juices will start flowing. Lube up your fingers before you touch her clitoris. Refresh the lube from time to time as it dries up.

Human sexual response isn’t linear. We move from arousal to plateau and back to excitement again and again before orgasm. Do you need to focus on orgasm right now? If your attentions are taking her nowhere, back off and build up again. Touch her in a spirit of exploration. Approach and back off over and over again to increase her arousal.

Combine direct clitoral stimulation with vaginal or anal penetration, rimming, nipple play, or other stimulation.

Invite her to touch herself or to guide your hand. Ask her to put your fingers in the right spot, and to show you the right pressure and rhythm. Lube up both your hand and hers, entwine your fingers, and let her take you both over the edge.

Grab a vibrator. You can hold a vibrator to her clitoris or put it in her hand. You can stimulate her nipples or penetrate her vaginally or anally as she uses the vibrator to reach orgasm.

Some positions are better than others for sustaining clitoral stimulation. With your partner on her back, sit facing her with your pelvis close to her hip and your hand between her legs. You can toss one leg over hers, bringing your pelvis close to her thigh. Besides closeness, the advantage of this position is that your wrist is lower than your elbow, reducing stress on your wrist and hand.

What if you simply can’t sustain the action she requires? Conditions such as carpal tunnel syndrome and other repetitive stress injuries (RSIs), arthritis, multiple sclerosis (MS), and other disabilities can limit your ability to use your hands as sex toys. Negotiate your needs. You and your partner can find activities that are gratifying—and pain free—for both of you. Ask her to describe what kinds of stimulation she needs to get off. Describe your physical limitations, and tell her what kinds of sexual activities are comfortable for you. (Don’t forget to tell her which ones you find especially hot.)

If you can’t sustain stimulation with your fingers, and if using a vibrator aggravates your RSI, you can combine hand stimulation with other forms of stimulation. You can use your lips and tongue to supplement your hand. You can stimulate her nipples, tongue her anus, or bury your fist inside her vagina as she brings herself to orgasm. (See “Sex and Disability: Toy Accessibility” in chapter 17, Sex Toys and Accoutrements, for suggestions on selecting toys that will work for you.)

Frottage

I can come by rubbing myself against my lover’s body—especially if I’ve really got the hots for her.

Frottage (also called
tribadism
and
dry humping
) comes from the French verb
frotter
, meaning to rub. Frottage involves rubbing bodies together to produce heat and friction. You can hump a partner’s thigh, rub vulva to pubic bone, or vulva to tailbone. Lying on your belly, you can squeeze your partner’s clitoris and labia between your asscheeks; she can reach around, slip a hand between your legs, and stimulate your clitoris as she humps you.

Women with extremely responsive clits speak highly of frottage as a method of indirect stimulation. Those who prefer more direct sensation can add a vibrator to frottage. You can slip a wand-style electric vibrator between you. Or you can strap on a Leather Butterfly harness with an egg vibrator in its pouch. You can also combine frottage with stimulation from nipple clamps, butt plugs, and other toys.

How-To’s of Clitoral Stimulation

Here are some favorite techniques for clitoral stimulation:

• Caress and nibble her inner thighs.

• Rub your thigh between her legs.

• Tease her clitoris with your nipples.

• Cup her vulva in your palm, feeling her heat.

• Grab a glove; thoroughly coat your fingers with water-based lube. Then pull open her lips and caress her labia.

• Blow gently on the body of the clitoris. (Do not blow directly into the vagina.)

• Let her anticipate your touch. Let her experience her own wanting. Don’t poke directly at the glans or immediately dive for her clitoris (unless, of course, that’s what she likes).

• Start with a long, languid stroke from perineum to clitoris. (Take care not to draw bacteria from anus to vagina.)

• If she says, “I’m too sensitive,” switch to an indirect touch.

• Gently stroke the shaft of her clitoris. Let the hood protect the glans until she’s well aroused.

• As she becomes more aroused, swirl your finger around her clitoral glans; stroke the glans with tighter and faster circles.

• You can nestle her clitoris between the forefingers of both hands, stroking rapidly on either side of her shaft.

• You can combine stimulation from your fingers with her favorite vibrator. Try holding the vibrator slightly to the side to give her indirect stimulation as you stroke her clitoris. Vibration on piercings can produce interesting sensations.

• If she has a genital piercing, you can thread a piece of brightly colored ribbon through the ring and give her the ends to hold or tug on.

• You can combine clitoral stimulation with penetration—either vaginal or anal or both. You can add a dildo, butt plug, anal beads, or insertable vibrator.

Genital Piercings

The first time a lover touched my new clit hood piercing, I almost could not deal with the tremendous energy surge in my body—as metal conducts electricity, so does it conduct lust.

Genital piercings can be quite functional—they can increase clitoral sensitivity and can be great fun to play with. Female genital piercings include clitoral hood piercings, triangle piercings (which pierce the tissue under the clitoral shaft), perineum piercings, and labia piercings—among others. Piercings can take from one to six months to heal, depending on the location and type of piercing. So it’s important to ask your partner how recently she got her piercing, if the area is still tender, and whether she’s comfortable having the jewelry played with.

I celebrated my cunt with the most expensive piece of jewelry I own!

Clitoral hood and triangle piercings may place a bead right over the glans—which can make stimulation hugely exciting. Your thigh nestled in your partner’s crotch can slide the ring back and forth over her clitoris. A vibrator touching the metal can make her jump. Some women like light slaps over the piercing—think of the little ring and bead ricocheting off her glans. Try holding a tuning fork to a partner’s hood piercing—the vibrations of sound will go right through her clitoris.

Labia piercings
beg
for attention—they can be used for light bondage. (
Do not
use a piercing as a stress point for serious bondage, however.) You can adorn her piercings with colored ribbons and even hang bells from them—you can hear her coming in an entirely new way.

Genital Shaving

Shaving has always been a part of my sex life. There is more sensation and I love the closeness.

Many women love the look and feel of a freshly shaved pubic area. Shaving makes the entire vulva more sensitive. You may find that you respond to the slightest touch, even the caress of loose clothing. Many lesbians like the look of naked accessibility; they like to see the inner labia protruding from the outer lips.

There’s nothing quite like the smooth skin-on-skin feel of caressing a shaved pubic area. That silky bare skin is heaven to inquiring fingers. Two shaved vulvas can make frottage delightfully intense.

Genital shaving is not to everyone’s taste—you might cringe at the thought of a razor coming anywhere near your tender parts, and the sight of bare genitals on an adult woman may be unappealing or even disturbing. You might find the increase in sensitivity not worth the itchiness as the hair grows in.

But those who shave their pubic areas swear by it. They wouldn’t dream of giving up the pure eroticism of gently and carefully manipulating a razor (even an electric model) along the contours of such sensitive flesh.

You can shave yourself, of course, but being shaved by a partner is a special treat not to be missed. Having your outer labia and mons handled so delicately and slowly by a partner is very intimate. It certainly requires trust. As your partner painstakingly wields the razor, you can completely relinquish control and enjoy her entire attention to your needs. You can sink into a delicious reverie as you feel the indirect brush of a hand on your clitoris, the pinch of her fingers as she pulls your labia taut. By the time she’s done, you may find that you’re extremely turned on—your own juices may have lubricated the razor as much as her shaving gel has. By all means, invite her to sample her handiwork.

How-To’s of Genital Shaving

Start with a hot bath to soften your skin and your pubic hair. Wash thoroughly. Trim the hair as closely as possible with cuticle or other small sharp scissors. Pull the hair away from the skin to prevent nicking yourself with the scissors. Don’t use clippers without a safety guard (even a #1 guard) because bare clippers can abrade the very delicate skin of your pubic area.

One trick to avoid irritation and nubs is to rub baby oil into your skin, let it dry for a few minutes, and then lather up with shaving cream or gel. While just about any shaving cream or gel will do, you may want to select an unscented or even a hypoallergenic gel for best results. Many women prefer a gel to a foaming cream—it’s easier to see what you’re doing. Never scrape your sensitive genital area with a dry razor.

Use a high-quality disposable razor—one with a pivoting head to get into nooks and crannies. If you’re shaving for the first time, grab a new razor halfway through. Don’t reuse the razor.

I am always a bit titillated and ashamed of my shaved pussy. My lover adores it and strokes it like a cat.