The Whole Lesbian Sex Book (26 page)

Find a comfortable spot—leaning against the edge of the tub, sitting on the bathroom floor with your legs propped up—and use a hand mirror. You might want to sit on a towel and prop the hand mirror up against the side of the tub. Begin by shaving in the direction of the hair growth. You’ll gain confidence in safely wielding the razor as you work the areas farthest from your tender bits. Pull the area taut so that you have smooth skin to work with. Shave
with
the grain first; lather up, grab a new blade, and then very slowly and gently shave against the direction of the hair for a smooth feel. Move on to the next area; you can always come back to catch the stray hairs you’ve missed. (Shaving the same spot over and over will irritate your skin.)

You can shave the labia and inner thighs all the way down to the perineum; you can shave around the anus for smooth ass play (particularly satiny for rimming). There will often be a few stray hairs on the inside of the outer labia—you can catch these very carefully if you stretch your outer lips to their most open position.

You can shave your mons bare or sculpt your pubes into an attractive shape. You can fashion a perfectly symmetrical triangle of thick hair or you can shave all but a tuft right at the top of the vulva—a handle for your partner.

When you’re finished shaving, hop in the shower and rinse the area with antibacterial soap, such as Hibiclens. Pat dry. Don’t use talcum powder, which has been linked to cancer. Moisturize with an unscented, quality lotion. Let your skin absorb the lotion and dry completely before you get dressed. You may feel a bit itchy after a day or so as the hairs grow back—you can shave again or take that itch as a signal that it’s time for some attention.

Toys for Clitoral Play

What’s the most essential item for clitoral play? Lube, of course. Even if your own natural lubrication is generous, it doesn’t hurt to stock your toy bag with a supply of water-based or silicone lube. A wet clitoris will enjoy sensation far more than a dry one, and the perception of wetness will encourage your own lubrication as you become more aroused. Latex gloves, thoroughly coated with lube, will provide a very slippery surface for clitoral play.

Silicone lubes, like ID Millennium and Eros, are far silkier than water-based lube. They’re also latex compatible and don’t seem to ever dry up, which makes silicone lubes ideal for clitoral stimulation. I don’t recommend silicone lube for vaginal penetration; since it’s not water soluble, silicone lube won’t rinse away easily. (
Do not
use silicone lube with silicone toys, as it will degrade the silicone in your dildo or butt plug.)

I need constant, unchanging stimulation, so a vibrator is best for me. I like indirect touching, not too hard, but fast and consistent.

Vibrators are the most popular toy for clitoral play. If your partner prefers intense direct clitoral stimulation, you may find that the consistent intensity of a vibrator works best for her. You can hold the vibrator, or she can—which will free up your hands for other pleasures. You can stroke her labia and the opening to her vagina, or hold the body of her clitoris gently between thumb and forefinger. (See chapter 17, Sex Toys and Accoutrements.)

As with vibrators, water spray from handheld showerheads or Jacuzzi jets can provide intense stimulation. You can vary the water pressure by putting a finger over the hose or jet. Be careful
not
to spray water directly into the vagina, however.

Safer Clitoral Play

• Get a manicure. Make sure your nails are smoothly filed.

• Slip a glove or unlubed condom over the head of a Magic Wand or other vibrator with a tennis-ball-style head. Always use a fresh condom or glove when switching sexual activities or partners.

• Use latex, nitrile, or vinyl gloves.

• Put on a fresh glove when you switch activities or partners.

• Don’t share vibrators and other sex toys without cleaning between uses.

• Use water-based or silicone lube. Don’t use oil-based lube for clitoral stimulation.

• Don’t allow bacteria from the anus to enter the vagina.

Many women enjoy using nipple clamps for genital play. Clamps can be attached to the inner or outer labia. Like nipple clamps, labia clamps produce an intense sensation when they go on—and an even more intense sensation when they come off. If your partner is standing, you can try hanging 1-ounce weights from the clamps for added sensation.

Clitoral Play—Safely

While hand-to-vulva contact is considered low risk for transmission of HIV and other STDs, consider using latex gloves. Blood or vaginal secretions coming in contact with small cuts or raw cuticles can increase your risk. (Pour vinegar over your hands. If you have any tiny cuts or open sores, you’ll know.)

Herpes, HPV, and bacterial vaginosis can be transmitted via skin-to-skin contact. If you touch your partner’s genitals and then touch your own, you can transmit bacteria or a virus. You need not have visible lesions or warts to transmit herpes or HPV; and you need not have visible breaks in the skin to acquire it. You can also transmit bacteria from the anus to the vagina; so change gloves or thoroughly wash your hands when changing activities.

Even with frottage—considered by most a safe activity—there’s a slight risk of transmission of herpes or HPV with direct vulva-to-vulva contact. (See chapter 18, Safer Sex and Gynecological Health, for more information.)

Where to Learn More

Want to become an expert at clitoral play? You can attend a Body Electric workshop or pick up an instructional video or DVD, such as Annie Sprinkle and Joseph Kramer’s
Fire in the Valley
, which offers step-by-step instructions in female genital massage. See the resources chapter for more suggestions.

SOURCE OF QUOTE

Patrick Califia,
Sensuous Magic: A Guide for Adventurous Couples,
2nd ed. (Cleis Press, 2001).

chapter eleven

Oral Sex

I love the feeling of my tongue running over a hard clit
.

THERE’S NOTHING LIKE TONGUE AND LIPS ON VULVA—the taste, smell, and wet hot feel of a woman’s engorged genitals. Many lesbians and bisexual women love to feel a partner’s insistent tongue and lips sucking on their labia and erect clit.

Oral sex includes licking, biting, sucking, kissing, and flicking the clit, labia, and perineum, and penetration of the vagina and anus with the tongue. Mouth-to-vulva contact is called
cunnilingus, going down, muff diving, eating pussy, carpet munching,
or
tipping the velvet.
Mouth-to-anus sex is called
analingus
or
rimming
.

And while you won’t find this sexual activity listed on the contents page of almost any other sex guide, many women love fellatio (also called
cocksucking
)—with a strap-on dildo attached to the body of a lesbian, bisexual, queer woman, or female-to-male transsexual.

Oral sex is taboo in many Western cultures. We are taught to feel “dirty” down there. In parts of the United States, oral sex is still a crime. Yet some surveys report that oral sex is the favorite sexual activity of a significant number of people—both men and women. Certainly among lesbians, oral sex is extremely popular.

In 1999, the British lesbian monthly
Diva
published the results of a survey of 400 women readers of the magazine: 47 percent named oral sex as their favorite way to turn on a partner, and 38 percent rated cunnilingus as the form of “sexual attention they most liked to receive from a partner.”
¹
(An interesting discrepancy!)

I’m bisexual. I’ve had both female and male lovers tell me that they weren’t into oral sex, which is my cue to tell them to get out of my bed!

Illustration 5. Cunnilingus

Cunnilingus

She sends shivers down my spine when she barely traces her tongue over me. The anticipation is enough to drive me crazy.

Many lesbians and bisexual women are connoisseurs of the clitoris. What do we like about cunnilingus? The tongue and lips offer a delicious range of sensations that fingers simply can’t match. There’s nothing quite like that wet-on-wet combination of textures.

I love everything about giving oral sex. The smell, the taste, the way her lips and clit grow as I work them. The way she reacts when I slow down or speed up or suck her clit directly. The way she moans when I make my tongue hard and stick it in her cunt or lick her asshole.

For some women, oral sex produces the most intense, toe-curling orgasms. And women whose clits are especially sensitive may respond to the subtleties of a tongue more readily than a hand or vibrator.

I love that my girlfriend comes so easily when I go down on her. Sometimes I lie on top of my vibrator while I go down on her, and that’s very sexy for me.

There’s an intimacy in having someone’s face so near to your genitals and in getting such a close-up on someone else’s arousal. Having your most tender bits inside the mouth of your partner can make you feel vulnerable. You get to give up control. That sense of surrender may be quite freeing for you—and pure ecstasy for your partner.

I like knowing that I’m in complete control of her pleasure. I love feeling her melt in my mouth.

However, many women feel anything but submissive while furiously riding their lover’s face.

It’s just that sense of intimacy that can make cunnilingus such a powerful experience, one that for many requires a degree of trust. Having your partner’s face between your legs can challenge your body image and self-acceptance. Do you really feel comfortable in your body? Do you feel beautiful opening up your sex for your partner’s inspection?

My first girlfriend wouldn’t go down on me, and we never talked about it. She wouldn’t let me go down on her, either. I developed fear and shame that took several years to overcome. Now I love the taste of vaginal juice. I get wet imaging a cunt in my mouth. The softness, the sweetness, the wetness, and the intimacy of
it completely turns me on. I think being comfortable with body fluids and being comfortable with intimacy helped me open up to enjoying oral sex.

Illustration 6. Cunnilingus, Receptive Partner on Top

Many women worry that they may smell or taste bad. Of course, jokes about women’s genitals smelling like fish don’t help matters. If you’re concerned about how you will smell and taste, take a bath before sex. Next time you masturbate, taste your own juices. You may be surprised at how sweet you taste when you’re turned on.

My lover has the most amazing lips. They are slightly swollen, and a beautiful walnut color, and always soft and warm…. And her thighs feel splendid next to my ears.

Going Down on Your Girl

Oral sex begins with talking. Women are as individual in their cunnilingus preferences as in any other aspect of sex. Don’t assume your partner likes long languid licks, responds best to rapid flicks of the tongue, or wants you to bury your whole face in her fur. Ask her what she likes. You can suggest that she take your head in her hands and put you exactly where she wants you. Show her—with your mouth on her vulva—how
you
like to receive oral sex and invite her to do the same for you.

Hair

I like bush. Furry girls. Getting pubes caught in your teeth—the whole enchilada.