She got up off the couch and walked a few steps away. She hugged herself again. “It’s ok,” she whispered in a shaky voice.
“No it’s not. God, I didn’t mean to push you. I don’t expect anything, I swear,” he said desperately. “Erin…”
Erin still couldn’t look at him. Tears were streaming down her face. She was so angry with herself. She was 25 and terrified to be touched, even when the hands belonged to Marcus, even when every sensation was pleasure.
Her weakness disgusted her. Fear still had power over her in spite of her understanding that she didn’t need to be afraid. And by turning away, she hurt Marcus and caused him to feel unwarranted guilt. She walked away from him again, and he hadn’t done anything wrong.
He was gentle and passionate. How could that be bad? None of this was his fault. The worst part was her inability to find any words to repair the moment. She was still frozen.
“Erin, talk to me…” Marcus pleaded. He kept his distance, obviously not wanting to scare her again. She understood, but she couldn’t find her voice. “Erin?”
She collapsed into her reading chair and dropped her head into her hands and sobbed. She could feel his eyes on her and all she could do was cry. Anger over her weakness only forced the tears out harder.
“Baby, I’m so sorry,” Marcus said again. “Come back to me, please. Let me take care of you. I won’t push you again, I promise.”
Erin’s sobs renewed at his sweet words. She didn’t deserve a single one of them. She didn’t think she had earned his comfort after walking away from him again. “I’m sorry,” she finally managed to say.
“What?! No, baby, no…,” he said, desperate to help and unable to do so. “You’re ok. You did nothing wrong. Just tell me what you need.”
“I don’t know,” she cried. “I’m just
so
pathetic
…”
She saw his face relax from panic to understanding.
“No, you’re not,” he said a little more calmly and with warmth in his voice. He understood the source of her tears now: she originally froze from fear, but the tears were about her reaction to the fear. “This is just you falling a little. Let me catch you. Come here.”
She looked up to his face finally and saw him looking at her with such concern and caring. He reached for her. A long moment passed before she found the strength to go to him. In spite of everything, he wanted to comfort her, and she needed him.
He pulled her right back down to lay with him. “You’re ok, and I won’t push you again. Relax, baby. You’re ok.”
“I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings,” she said with sadness in her voice.
“Don’t worry about me. I’m a big boy.”
“I wish I weren’t so weak. I know I don’t have to be afraid…and you felt so good…”
He pulled her closer and kissed her hair. “I promise it’s ok. I’m not going anywhere.”
They laid in silence for another long while. The sky outside was completely dark and Erin finally relaxed in his arms and her tears finally dried.
“Feeling better now?” Marcus asked in a gentle whisper.
“Yes. Thanks for staying with me. I can’t tell you what it means that you did.”
“You’re important to me, Erin. I stayed because I wanted to. Because you needed me. It was easy.”
She pulled his arm around her tighter and sighed. Such comfort surrounded her, but truth be told, she was exhausted. She was afraid if she stayed in his warm embrace much longer she’d fall asleep.
“I hate to end the evening,” she said, “but I think I’m ready to let myself crash out for the night.”
“Are you sure you’re ok?”
“Yeah, I’m just tired. Thanks for dinner,” she said sincerely. The meal seemed ages ago. She stood and helped him up from the couch. They walked to her door and he reached for her again. He hugged around her shoulders and kissed her hair. She rested her head on his strong chest and wrapped her arms around his ribs. They held each other for a long moment.
“Marcus, you’re important to me, too.”
He kissed her on top of her head again in response and then eased his embrace. He leaned down and kissed her cheek. “Good night, Erin,” he said with a smile.
He waved a final time as he walked out to his car. Erin waved and closed the door. She immediately turned and fell back against it and let out a heavy breath.
Marcus left Erin’s apartment and drove straight to the gym. He said a silent thank you to Bill for giving him a key. The sound of the deadbolt clacking open relieved Marcus. Nothing stood between him and the outlet for his frustration.
Without bothering to change into his gym clothes, Marcus went straight for the heavy bag and pounded into the canvas with the force of a battering ram. Every punch released a tiny piece of anger with himself over pushing Erin too far. He threw his knee up into the bag for every tear she cried. He side-kicked painfully for the look on her face while she cried so far away from his arms.
He let loose like an animal. He grunted and let the primal screams rip freely from his chest. He had to exhaust himself in order to calm the sexual tension from being so close to her and not having her. Every bit of him needed to be purged of the stress of the evening.
He held himself calm for hours through Erin’s kisses and tears. He was able to stay calm because that’s what she needed from him. For her, he could hold back without too much effort. Still, the pent up energy and frustration had been eating him from the inside without him even realizing.
He needed this release, and he pounded his way through his disgust with himself. He hit even harder at the realization that Erin could never see him like this. She would be terrified of him if she ever saw the rage he kept so carefully hidden from her.
He loved her, he knew that now. Helping her through her fear and self-doubt had been effortless when beside her, but the moment he left the apartment, every bit of his physical angst boiled to the surface. How else besides love could she affect him that way?
The bag continued to take the brunt his emotions. Anger, love, frustration, guilt, and fear pounded into the canvas. When his stress finally played out, he looked up at the ceiling with his hands on his head. He breathed heavily from the workout and looked around.
Maybe he was the weak one for being unable to let go of his violent side. Erin didn’t deserve to be with someone who wanted to rip apart whatever made him angry. Or frustrated. Or scared. She needed someone calm and stable. None of that made a difference, though. He loved her and promised to be there for her. He couldn’t let her down.
Marcus was fairly certain he wasn’t good enough for Erin, but he hoped he could be. He wanted to deserve a place in her life. He dared hope she could find a way to love him, too.
Without bothering to shower, he drove to his little apartment and crashed on his couch. His head was spinning from the ups and downs of the evening. How had his date moved from his ridiculous victory dance to a raging need to beat the shit out of the equipment at the gym?
He shook his head at the ceiling and finally got up to take a shower. He let the hot water wash away the sweaty evidence of his rage and thought about Erin the entire time. Now that his body wasn’t charged up with angry frustration and need, he could sort through everything in his head.
The feeling of lying next to her, holding her, and kissing her was by far the most intense sensation he’d ever had. Her presence affected him in a powerful way. He wanted her desperately but he had to wait. He’d never really been denied gratification before. She was worth his patience, but that didn’t make holding himself back any easier.
She was sexy and beautiful, of course, but there was more. He had such a true connection with her. That connection added a dimension to his time with her that he couldn’t describe, even to himself. He didn’t understand the difference, but he believed in it.
He threw on a pair of sweats and an old t-shirt and settled back on his couch. He dropped into sleep almost immediately. By the time he woke up the next morning he was no less frustrated, but at least he felt rested.
He made some scrambled eggs and fried potatoes and watched some mindless tv while he waited to call Cassie. She would have insight, he hoped.
By ten o’clock he knew she’d be up and done with her yoga. He hit the speed dial on his cell phone and waited for her to pick up.
“Hey, Marcus,” she answered brightly.
“Hey, Cass.”
“Oh, you don’t sound so good,” she said, instantly concerned. “What’s going on?”
He let out a heavy breath. “Remember the girl with the journal, Erin, the one I’ve been writing to the past few months?”
“Of course. How could I forget? She’s the only girl you’ve ever talked about. Is everything ok?”
“Yeah, I think so. I had dinner with her last night. I screwed up, though. The night ended on a good note, I guess, but still. I’m so afraid I’m going to screw up again and end up hurting her. She’s fragile, Cassie.”
“Fragile? How?”
“I didn’t tell you before, but she was almost raped in college. She barely got away. It was violent. She’s still so scared of being touched. It didn’t seem like much to me, but I pushed too far last night.”
“God, Marc.”
“I know.” He paused with a heavy breath. “After I left I ended up at the gym. I beat on the heavy bag like a maniac, Cass. I went insane on it. It’s like I was watching myself and I saw what a monster I am. I don’t know that I’m good enough for her. What if I end up hurting her? …and I don’t mean her feelings. What if I end up like Dad,” Marcus choked out, his voice tight by the end of his confession.
He was only ever vulnerable with Cassie. She had seen every side of him since he was born. She understood him and loved him. He didn’t have to hide from her at all. He almost never had to explain what was going through his head.
“You listen to me, Marcus. You are nothing like that sick bastard.
Nothing
. You’ve taken care of me my whole life and you will take care of her the same way. Even if you have all the leftover anger from what he did to us, you would
never
use it against anyone other than the other meatheads who volunteer for it. Never. Trust that about yourself.
“And if you think for one minute that you aren’t good enough for her,
or anyone
, then you’re a moron. Plain and simple. Don’t ever question your worth or your heart. Anyone would be lucky to have you. And I think Erin must know that. She wouldn’t trust you to even have dinner with you if she didn’t see the true person you are.
“And you can beat up the equipment at the gym as much as you need to. It doesn’t make a difference in who you are. You are a good and honorable man. End of story.”
Marcus let out another heavy sigh. “Thanks, Cass.”
“I love you, Marcus. And if you need me to remind you of who you really are, you can call me every day,” she said pointedly. “I’m serious, but please trust yourself.”
“I’ll try. Ok, enough of that. How’s your class going?”
They talked for a while longer about her last course and his training before they finally hung up. Marcus felt better after talking to Cassie. He always did. She never failed to lay it all out honestly, whatever “it” was.
Now, all he could do was get through the rest of the day and Monday. His biggest hope was that Erin would write to him again. He needed to hear from her. He needed to know she was alright.
He went to work Monday night completely nervous. He hadn’t called Erin after their date on Saturday. Actually, he’d never called her at all. There was no need. They had her purple journal and writing to each other worked.
Her desk was his destination the minute he left the elevator at the eighth floor. He walked straight to cubicle 15 and breathed a sigh of relief when he saw her notebook in the corner like always. He opened to the paper-clipped page.
M~
I know you’re still worried about Saturday. I know because I saw the look on your face when you left. Please believe me when I tell you that you can stop worrying. I have.
No matter what, I know I’m safe with you. I know you’ll stay patient with me because I know you care. I wish I wasn’t so high-maintenance. But next time I freeze up like that, I promise I’ll try to tell you instead of walking away like a coward. I’m not afraid of you, I’m just still trying to come out my fear of the entire world. If anything, you make me feel safer than I ever have. I trust you.
And I meant it when I said that you’re important to me. I hope I didn’t chase you away with another moment of weakness and my breakdown afterward. I’m pretty sure I didn’t because I really do know you care. Still, if all this is too much for you, I understand. I want you to be happy.
~E
Marcus reread her note. She said everything he needed to hear. Again, her intelligence and insight blew him away. He wanted to ease her insecurities, too. Obviously she wanted to believe in him and in herself but her uncertainty wouldn’t go away. He hoped he could find the right words.
E~
Yeah, I was worried. I tried to hide it but I guess I failed. After your note, I’m really not anymore. Thank you. And I’m glad you know you’re safe with me. I’m such an ass for losing myself and pushing too far, but I’ll
never
force myself on you.
It felt so good to have you next to me, but all you have to do is say the word and I’ll stop. Hopefully you’ll never need to. I respect your need to protect yourself. Having your trust means so much and I won’t break it again.
And finally, you need to know this: I am not walking away. Your “moment of weakness” only made me want to take care of you more. I don’t mind the high-maintenance. I don’t even see it that way. Not one part of you is too much for me.