I showered and began packing our clothes. I’d let Wade check the mail and watch Raven and the house. Jen can cover all my deals. I walked into Jordan’s room. She was asleep. I didn’t really want to wake her, but I had to. I patted her on the shoulder.
“Jordan, wake up. Go get in the shower.”
“Mommy, where we go? It’s still dark outside,” she asked.
“I know, just get dressed, baby. Mommy wants to take you somewhere.”
“Where we going? Is today a school day?”
“Just get dressed,” I instructed her as I went back into my bedroom and continued to pack. I filled the suitcase to the top and zipped it up. I flipped it over and dragged it down the steps.
It’s going to be cold up north
, I thought to myself as I went and grabbed our jackets.
Jordan came out of the bathroom as Destiny went in. Des was not happy that I interrupted her sleep. She was whining during her entire shower. Even after her shower, she went back to sleep on the floor in the hallway. I picked her up and put her on my bed. I dressed her limp body and placed her on the sofa. I looked around the house to see if there was anything I was forgetting. I couldn’t think of anything so I packed my girls and luggage in the car.
I drove into a dark gas station. I stepped out of the car and inserted my credit card into the slot. I looked around; there wasn’t anyone else around. As I pumped my gas I made sure the attendant saw me. At least if someone attacked me he could call the cops. I inspected my tires to make sure they had air in them. The pump clicked, letting me know my tank was full. I got back in my car. I looked back at the girls sleeping. I put my seat belt over my body. I inserted my cell phone into the charger. I typed Dwight’s address into the navigation system. It estimated it was 742 miles and was going to take eleven and a half hours to get there.
I have a great man and I’m letting him live in abandon. Once we figure out everything, I promise I’m going to treat him the way he is supposed to be treated.
On my journey north, green trees passed my windows on both sides of the highway. I drove past trucks with
MACK
stamped on the front of them, and sped past motorists going too slow. I was on a mission. The only thing that kept me up was my CD collection and thoughts about what I was going to say to Dwight. I was going to tell him how stupid I had been all these months. I was going to plead with him to please take me back and tell him how it was my fault for not moving with him. My thoughts were my company as I traveled up Interstate 95 trying to stay aware and awake. I wiped my brow, hoping to clear the sleep that was creeping up on me and trying not to sway into other cars that passed. I was so tired, but I couldn’t rest. I couldn’t rest until I knew everything is okay with Dwight.
The sun was rising as I crossed the North Carolina border and entered Virginia. Construction was slowing my flow. I became frustrated and kept beeping my horn and switching lanes. The closer I got to him the more anxious I became. I did an eleven-hour trip in less then ten, with three stops for gas and food. My navigational system said I was only forty miles away. The car was on a quarter tank, but I didn’t want to stop for gas. The closer I got the faster my heart raced. I was so nervous. I guess it is just hard to say I’m sorry. I know my baby will understand. He’ll probably want to know why it took so long. He won’t be mad at me. I’ll probably have to kiss his ass for a little while. The navigational system interrupted my mind’s rambling. The system instructed me to exit in a quarter mile. I turned off the exit. I turned onto his block and parked the car. I pulled the address out of my pocket. I looked to see what brick housed my husband, and Dwight’s Nissan Maxima was shined up and sitting across from his address. I stretched my legs and took in a sigh.
Here goes nothing
, I thought. I knocked on the door. I couldn’t wait to see his reaction.
When Dwight opened the door, his mouth opened so wide. He was obviously speechless. He had lost about twenty pounds since I’d seen him last. Destiny and Jordan saw him and ran up to him. Dwight’s body was more muscular, his face was clean-shaven and looked smooth. He looked so good. Before he could get a word in, I grabbed him and started crying. At first he didn’t hold me back, but I took his hands and placed them in the center of my back and cried. The girls hugged Dwight’s legs and arms. He wiped away my tears and picked the girls up into his arms. And we all walked into the house.
His place was sparsely furnished. One love seat and a grandfather chair.
“Oh my God, Daddy, we missed you so much,” Jordan said.
“I missed you, too, girls,” he said, sitting on his love seat. I was so happy we had come. I had made the best decision. I was so relieved. I walked outside and brought our bags in. All I wanted to do was go to sleep. I went upstairs and put my belongings up. The middle two rooms were completely empty. After a few moments Dwight came up the steps and said, “We really need to talk.”
“I know, but I just drove for almost eleven hours and I just want to relax. Let’s not talk tonight.”
“What about our divorce? This is serious, Tracey—you can’t just march into my house months later like there is nothing wrong after we got a divorce.”
I grabbed his hand and said, “No, it’s okay. We are not divorced yet. I contested the divorce. We were never divorced.”
“What do you mean you contested the divorce?”
“When you sent the papers I was very upset with you and I couldn’t decide what I wanted to do. So the day of the proceedings I just filed the paperwork to contest everything.”
“Listen, Tracey, this is not going to work—”
Before Dwight could get the rest of the sentence out, Destiny ran upstairs and said, “Daddy, come downstairs! I have so much to tell you. Me and Jordan have been doing everything.”
Dwight knelt down and picked up Destiny. As he turned around, he whispered to me, “We really need to talk.”
I said okay and shook my head.
The next morning I called Wade to tell him that I was going to let him house-sit.
“Wade, I need you to go to my house and keep an eye on it. I left a key to the house for you in the back under the flowerpot.”
“Are you for real? So I get to house-sit.”
“Yes, take care of my house. Don’t bring any trash to my house.”
“I won’t. I promise to bring the most upscale loose women I can find. They going to think I’m ballin’. How long you going to be up there?”
“I don’t know yet. I’m going to try to make Dwight move back home. But if he won’t come then we are going to stay up here.”
Alicia
I
t was three more days of being helpless, lying in bed, and watching DJ’s every move before the hospital released me. I just wanted to smell fresh air, eat my mother’s food, and watch DVDs. If I could, I would have escaped.
As the doctor discussed all the restrictions for the next couple of weeks, I felt like I wanted to cry. No driving. No up and down the stairs. No drinking while breast-feeding. Motherhood was quickly becoming as undesirable as I always imagined.
I called Dwight to find out why he hadn’t come to the hospital yet. When he picked up, he sounded distracted. He stuttered when he greeted me, “Hey . . . hey . . . what’s up?”
I looked at the phone.
What’s up
is that I’m at the hospital waiting for my husband to come and get me. I took the milder approach. “I’m ready, baby. When are you coming?”
“Ah. I’ll be there in a minute.”
“Did you go into work?”
“Yeah . . . let me get off this phone. I’m in traffic.”
Before I could ask where he was, I was listening to the operator telling me to hang up and dial the number again. I considered taking her advice, but suddenly I began negotiating with my conscience. Maybe he’s going through a little postpartum depression. Or it could be me feeling slightly neglected. I tried to shake the feeling as I dressed DJ and prepared to leave.
When Dwight rushed through the door an hour later, I was livid.
“Where have you been?”
“I’ve been moving some things to the new house and the traffic from there was hell.”
“You’re telling me that it took you an hour to get here?”
He hung his head. “Alicia, don’t start harassing me. Like, do you have somewhere you have to be?”
“Outta here.”
“What’s the rush?”
“I just want to go home. What’s the rush with you trying to move into the new house and I just had the baby? I can’t move for at least three weeks.”
“Shoot me for trying to get things together for my wife and son.”
I felt bad for throwing a tantrum. “I’m sorry, honey. Give me a hug.” He smirked and raised his brow. “Dwight! Give me a hug.”
He came over to the bed and rested his head on my shoulder. “Baby, I’m just trying to do the best I can.”
“I know. I think I’m just claustrophobic now.”
“I know.” He chuckled. “And a little depressed, too. It happens after having a baby.”
I pushed him away. “Yeah, I was wondering if you had some depression yourself.”
As he held the baby in his hands, he said, “Not at all. Not at all. I have everything I ever wanted.”
His words were honest, but his expression was confused. I studied him, but decided to be silent. Maybe a piece of him felt guilty for feeling so happy. I decided not to stress him and trust his words until further notice.
When I got to my mother’s house, Dwight helped me upstairs and into bed. He put DJ in his bassinet and sat on the side of the bed.
“What do you want from the grocery store? I put a small refrigerator over there.”
“Thanks, baby. Get me some fruit. Something sweet, and I don’t mean any harm, I think I need a glass of wine.”
“You can’t drink and breast-feed.”
I took a deep breath. “Baby, I’m not sure that I’m cut out for the breast-feeding thing. Plus, he just doesn’t seem to be getting enough.”
“So you’re a quitter.”
I shrugged. He stood up and bent over the bassinet. “Little man, Mommy doesn’t want to take care of you. I wish I could feed you.”
His remarks made me feel like a loser, and out of nowhere, I began to cry. “I’m not a bad mother.”
He hugged me. “Girl, I was just playing with you. I’m sorry.”
My wailing forced my mother to rush into the room. “Alicia, is everything okay?”
I nodded and Dwight said, “I was joking with her and she got a little emotional.”
My mother began to fuss at him. “Dwight, why would you purposely upset her? You know she has to be careful. She had a C-section. You can’t stress her out.”
My shock met his irritation. “Ms. Emma, do you really think I intentionally upset her?”
“I don’t know. The point is you upset her and . . .”
I yelled, “Just stop it. Please, everyone. Just leave me alone.”
Obviously, I didn’t mean physically leave me alone. Dwight told me that he needed to go out for a while to get his head together. My mother stood in the room like security. Before walking out, Dwight looked at her as if he had something against her. Though I couldn’t, I wanted to chase him and ask, why did it seem that I came home to a different man? My fairy tale seemed to be unraveling right before my eyes. Then I reflected on things I read that told me women sometimes feel unwarranted emotions during this period. Maybe this was all unwarranted.
I looked at my mother and she sat on the bed with me. “Do you still need the pain medicine?”
Maybe my feelings were just hurt, but I wanted the medicine. I nodded. She found the bottle and gave me a Vicodin pill. Just as I was about to doze off, DJ began to squirm. My mother told me that she would take care of him, so I lay back on my bed and tried to suppress the emotions raging in me.
When I woke up, Dwight still hadn’t returned and my mother was in the rocking chair at the foot of my bed singing to DJ.
“Did Dwight ever come back?”
My mother shook her head.
“He didn’t call?”
She shook her head again.
“Does he seem to be acting strange?”
She nodded and I winced. Damn, I prayed that maybe I was just delusional, but obviously not. “How long has he been gone?”
She took a deep breath. “Dwight hasn’t stayed here since you’ve been in the hospital.”
“Ma, turn around and look at me when you talk.”
She turned slowly and her eyes told me that she felt what I felt. My heart plummeted. “Do you think guilt is getting to him?”
She took a deep breath. “It’s like déjà vu.”
Every gesture I made begged for an explanation. We were different. He wasn’t my father. He took care of his responsibility. He married me. Why didn’t I feel like his wife at this moment?
Tracey
D
wight hadn’t totally given in to me yet, but I knew it was going to take more than a week for him to forgive me. He’d go back out and claim he had to think. I had Wade send us more clothes. The girls were so happy to be with him that I knew he couldn’t bring himself to say it wasn’t going to work. I cooked all of his favorite meals and tried to play the sweet wife role, but he hadn’t touched me. He was just acting weird and strange. Maybe all these months had changed him, but all I knew is that I wasn’t going anywhere. I planned to love him back to himself.
Each time I thought about being single or about Danielle and her crazy marriage I knew I was doing the right thing. I wasn’t equipped to be out there on the singles scene. I’ve always been with Dwight and that was just the way it was going to be. While Dwight was at work, the girls and I would drive around the neighborhood. He lived in a town called Hanover, just thirty minutes from both Baltimore and DC. It was a really nice place to live and I was impressed that we were surrounded by so many wealthy black people. The girls and I had gone down to DC and went to the Washington Monument and walked on the Mall. They didn’t understand what they were experiencing, but I was glad I could expose them to it anyway.
One morning, after Dwight went to work, I called Mama Dee to let her know what was going on. She listened closely but didn’t offer much advice. So I asked, “How can I get him to start acting like himself?”