I called the girls and told them I was in need of an impromptu girls night out. Andrea couldn’t make it, but Gina and Tammy said they’d be damned if they couldn’t make it. Before going back to the house, I took DJ on the BWI bike trail and did a light jog. The smooth tree-lined trail helped bring clarity to what I was feeling. Why would I do this? What did I have to gain from this?
When we got back into the car, I drove around in the Odenton and Arundel Mills area looking at new townhouses. Everything was in the low four hundreds. I began to feel overwhelmed and headed back to my mother’s house. When we walked in, she was watching her soaps. She looked up and scooted to the edge of her seat. “So what did she want?”
“She suggested we start being more open, doing things as a family.”
“After she attacked you? Is she crazy?”
I slouched down on the couch beside her and lay DJ across my lap. “Ma, she’s just a woman trying to right her wrongs.”
“She sure didn’t seem like that when I met her.”
“I mean, I don’t know where she had this sudden change of heart, but I really think she meant it.”
She shrugged. “I don’t know. I don’t trust her.”
“Ma, a woman knows her man. She knows that Dwight and I have a special connection.”
“That’s the same thing I used to say about your father’s wife. But I knew he loved her, too. Whatchu think?”
“I know he loves her. I never questioned that. So, what if Yvonne would have come to you and asked you to share my father. Would you have done it?”
She chuckled. “Maybe your father would still be alive.”
“Whatchu mean?”
“I guess I never thought openly sharing him was an option. But I think the running back and forth, living two lives for so long, killed him.” Her head dropped. “And maybe you would have had a better relationship with him.”
We both reflected on that. I thought about how hard she cried on my sixteenth birthday that I felt like my dad’s mistress. I was second to his children by his wife. I never felt like I mattered. It was his wife, their kids, my mother, and I was nothing more than the remainder. She wailed for hours and I didn’t understand why, but as DJ rested on his stomach on my lap, I finally understood. It must be hard wanting your child to have something that you know they deserve, but not being in control of giving it to them. There wasn’t really a whole lot more to think about. It wasn’t about what I was gaining, rather what DJ was gaining. By the time I met my friends for drinks, I had already called Tracey and told her that I wanted to work this out.
Tracey
M
ama Dee would kill me for this, but I had to do what I had to do to make everyone happy again. I couldn’t help but feel burdened with the guilt that I somehow caused all this drama with my stubbornness. When Dwight came home from work, he looked sad. The girls ran up to him, hugging his leg. He kissed me on the cheek. I sent the girls upstairs and talked to Dwight about my solution to our big problem.
Alicia came over the next day. She had the baby in her arms. I told her to come in and have a seat. I introduced her to the girls and went back to the kitchen and finished dinner. As I set the plates on the table and was acting like nothing, I was thinking:
Am I crazy? Is she crazy? Is Dwight getting over?
But she was there and I had agreed.
Dwight’s two families were all sitting at the table. He looked at me and I looked at Alicia. I looked over at my kids. I bowed my head. I said grace. This was for my family. This was for my children. I had to find a way to deal with it. The girls talked about their camp and their new friends. Dwight kept his head down the entire meal and barely ate his food. We finished dinner almost in silence.
Dwight walked Alicia to her car. I stood at the window and watched as Dwight bent over to give her a kiss. My heart dropped.
I don’t think I can tolerate this. But I have to
, I thought as she pulled off.
Dwight came back in the house and asked me to come upstairs. I followed him into our bedroom and closed the door. He grabbed me by my waist and said, “Tracey, are you really okay with this? My other family coming over for dinner?”
“Yes, I want everyone to be happy.”
“I don’t think it is fair to you. Although I’m happy you’re woman enough to do this for me. I’m not sure it’s right for you. You don’t have to do this.”
“I love you and I don’t want you to be apart from your son.”
“I admire you, Tracey. I know most women couldn’t do it. Being a part of my son’s life is so important to me.” Him saying that made me feel that I did the right thing. If this was going to make Dwight happy, I would have to learn to love it.
Alicia
W
e were doing what was in the best interest of our kids. Most people would probably consider the agreement insane, but what was the better option? Fight over Dwight forever? Watch him die of heartbreak like my father died? I loved him and Tracey loved him and we were going to be together, despite what anyone thought.
Humans are one of the few species where the male is expected to have only one mate. So are we all really fighting against the laws of nature? Maybe Tracey and I had found the solution to the epidemic of infidelity. My only preoccupation with the entire agreement was the rules she wanted to impose. Initially, I was offended with her request, but once I came to know her, it made sense. We needed those guidelines to make the transition work for everyone. In addition, I knew in my heart that if he could, Dwight would probably just be with me. We had something special, and as long as I kept that in the forefront of my mind, I could swallow any of the insecurities. Where else would I find a man like him? I wasn’t searching for him, either.
By the time I went back to work, the storage bins were empty. I slowly left more and more stuff at
our
home until everything I needed was there.
Visiting was one thing, but my first full night in the house was the weirdest. I was irritated by the way Tracey moseyed around the house as if she was the lead wife.
Do you want something to drink? Do you need anything? Are you getting comfortable?
After a while I felt the need to snap at her and explain that I was no longer a guest. This house belonged to
our
husband.
I walked into the kitchen and Tracey was making dinner. Dwight sat in the family room with the kids and I felt out of place. I argued with my insecurities, demanding of myself to get with the program.
I asked, “Do you need any help in here?”
“No, no. I don’t let anyone in my kitchen.”
My kitchen?
Okay, shake it off, Alicia
. You don’t like being in the kitchen anyway. Wag your tail and walk away. I folded my arms and walked into the family room with Dwight. The girls sat on each side of him and played with DJ, who was sitting in his lap. I sat on the sofa across from them.
Dwight said, “Sit over here.”
Why did I look in the kitchen to see Tracey’s reaction first? Just as I suspected, her eyes shot in our direction, but she didn’t say anything.
Destiny said, “Are you okay?”
I nodded. What made her ask me that? I sat down beside her because she seemed the most friendly. She was young enough to be open, but old enough to make me feel at ease.
She said, “He’s a happy baby.”
I smiled. “Yeah, he is quite happy.”
“Mommy says that happy babies are made from love.”
She put the entire house on freeze. I laughed it off. “Yeah, they are. Love is very important.”
“Do you love Daddy?”
I took a deep breath and nodded.
Little girl, just shut the hell up!
She continued, “Do you love Mommy?”
I nodded. Her bright eyes stared into mine as if she sincerely trusted me. She put her index finger on her cheek. “Um, do you love DJ?”
By this time, I was relaxed. “Yes, I love DJ.”
She climbed up and folded her hands on my shoulder. “Do you love me?”
“Yes, I love you.”
She giggled. “You don’t know me. Mommy said strangers can’t say they love you.”
Dwight pinched her leg. “What did Mommy tell you? She’s the housekeeper and she’ll be living with us now. So she’s not a stranger.”
Jordan smirked and said, “Yeah, Destiny, do you remember that?”
Jordan didn’t believe that bullshit. Tracey called for the girls to come help her set the table. When they left the room, I looked at Dwight. He smiled at me. “They’re a trip. Aren’t they?”
“Yeah, talk about the third degree.”
He shrugged. “Hey, everyone has to get used to this. It’s not your everyday situation.”
We laughed and DJ appeared to be listening intently. His attentiveness made us giggle more. A plate slammed on the table. Our heads spun toward the kitchen. Jordan said, “Sorry, Daddy.”
Jordan smirked at me like the apology was meant only for her father and not me. When would these feelings go away? What could I do to make this
my
home, too? I stood up and walked into the kitchen and began helping the girls set the table.
I said, “Tracey, why did you say you didn’t need any help?”
She half-smiled. “The girls look forward to setting the table.”
I returned her half-smile. “Well, I’ll just pour us some wine.”
She interrupted my fake chuckle. “Oh no. We don’t drink in front of the girls.”
Who the hell is
we
?
We
are now three and, damn it, I planned on having my wine with dinner. The more sensible side of me decided this wasn’t the time for debate. “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
Shit! That wasn’t the way I meant for it to come out. It was pertinent that I lay my rules down, too. This is not going to be one-sided.
She obviously noticed the preoccupation all over my face. “We’ll have a glass when I put them to bed.”
It seemed to me that she thought I was here to keep her company. I wasn’t certain if she understood that we were both the lady of the house. It bothered me that not only was she the first wife, she was fortunate enough to move in first. Everything in the kitchen was how she wanted it. I was in her house. This had to change.
When dinner was ready, she fixed the plates and everyone sat down at the table. I couldn’t help thinking about how to balance out this relationship. Dwight said grace, and when I looked up, the girls and Tracey were staring at me. My eyes shot back at them. I wasn’t going anywhere. We are going to make this work one way or another. Their aggression seemed to relent. I felt good about my stance. I had to let them know that I, too, was the boss around here.
When dinner was over, I started removing the dirty plates from the table. Tracey rested her back in the chair. “Be my guest.”
I didn’t respond to her comment. She obviously hadn’t accepted our situation. I was no guest. I was here to stay, whether she liked it or not.
She played with DJ while I loaded the dishwasher. It seemed to come so natural for her. He babbled at her. She tickled him. They seemed to be bonding well. She had the advantage of starting out with him as a baby. I, on the other hand, had to befriend two little girls who were only used to their parents. It hit in a hard way that the biggest issue here would not be how Tracey and I dealt with each other but how these two little girls would grow to accept me as more than just a permanent houseguest.
They asked if we could watch a movie and I thought maybe I should let them watch it as a family. Maybe I should just go to my room and give them their time. As I stood and headed to the in-law suite, Dwight said, “Baby . . .”
Everyone cringed, but I said, “Yes.”
“Where are you going? You don’t want to watch a movie with us?”
“It’s been a long day. I want to finish getting settled. DJ needs a bath.”
“I’ll give him a bath.”
“Okay. But I still have things I need to do.”
When I was alone, I called my mother. As I whined in the phone, she said, “Alicia, you’re strong enough to make your presence known in that house.”
I sniffed. “I know. I don’t know.”
“Well, you have a nice house now and . . .”
“They have a nice house.”
“Everyone just has to get used to you being there. You’ve never struggled with fitting in before. This is no different. You said that she seems open and cool. Right?”
“I mean she is, but I . . .”
“What? I’m sure she has to get used to this, too. Talk to her, Alicia.”
“It’s just so hard.”
“I’m sure you both will have a lot to share. Be a big girl and talk to her like a woman.”
After I got off the phone, I sat on my bed wondering what the hell I was supposed to talk to her about. How could I express my insecurities to the competition? Just as the thought crossed my mind, it hit me. I had to retrain my mind-set. We were in this fight together.
I held my head in my hands and rocked back and forth. Was I losing my mind? I knew all these things, but why did I feel so unsure? Why did I want to run away? I stared in the mirror and pepped myself up.
I stood up and walked around the room, feeding positive thoughts to myself. I was inspired. Hours passed before I opened the door. I walked into the kitchen and noticed Dwight and Tracey sitting on the floor in the family room playing with DJ.
Unconsciously, I walked over and sat down with them. Tracey seemed to enjoy all aspects of motherhood. She let him beat on her face and she laughed. I apologized. She said, “Girl, please. He is so good.”
“Thanks.”
“No problem.”
Dwight stood up and walked into the kitchen. He grabbed a beer from the refrigerator and said, “I’m going up. Y’all can sit down here and chat.”
He came and grabbed the baby. I looked up at him and then across at Tracey. I guess if he was going up, that obviously meant he was sleeping with her tonight. Although I wanted to scream, I smiled. “Okay. You can put him in the crib after you give him a bath.”
“That’s if we don’t fall asleep in the big bed. Right, man?”
I prayed they did, because that would mean there would be no hanky-panky tonight. I was slightly relieved at the thought. Tracey shrugged. “Yeah, he can sleep with us if you want him to.”