The next day I dropped off Destiny and Jordan at camp. I did not want them to see me cry and that’s what I had been doing. Dwight asked me if I wanted him to stay home, but I told him to go to work. I needed to be alone and sort things out. Every few minutes I felt like I wanted to cry. I wanted to stay and work things out with Dwight. But then I would think about Dwight and his new family and I became nauseated. I felt sad. I decided that although I wanted to be married to Dwight I couldn’t stay in Maryland. I began packing my and the girls’ things back into my car. I called Dwight and told him I was going back to Florida. He told me to wait until he got home to talk, but there wasn’t anything to talk about. As soon as I had everything in the car, Dwight came speeding down the street.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
“I’m leaving you. I will not be disrespected.” I already had it in my mind that I was leaving. I was going to pick up Destiny and Jordan from camp and get on the highway and go home. “Dwight, I can’t deal with all this. You know what, this time I’ll sign the divorce papers. And you can go get married for real and have a happy life. I don’t care about you, Dwight. And obviously you don’t care about me or your daughters. You need to get yourself out of this shit and you need to do it on your own. Trifling ass. Have a nice damn life.”
I got in the car and pulled off. Dwight got in his car and followed me, chasing me down the street. He sped up to me demanding that I pull over. I tried to concentrate on the road and keep my eyes focused, but I could see his hand motions out of the corner of my eye. I looked over to see Dwight yelling, “Stop! Where are you going? Pull over!” He was driving erratically down the street and was about to make me crash. I pulled over just so we wouldn’t crash. He ran over and tried to get in my car with me. I wouldn’t open the door.
“Open the door, Tracey,” he said, trying to unlock the door.
“No! What! What can you possibly say to me?” I said as I cracked the window.
“What do you want me to do? I’ll do anything, Tracey, just don’t leave me again. I didn’t mean for this to happen,” he said as tears flowed down his face.
I didn’t want to see him cry. I didn’t want him to hurt and I didn’t want to hurt. But I couldn’t stop being upset with him. I began screaming, “Dwight, stop crying. Stop acting like you care. If you did, you would never have done this. Your tears don’t mean anything to me. We were perfect. We had the perfect life. And look what you did.”
Dwight looked directly in my eyes through the window and said, “What about me? Look how you left me! Look how you left me, Tracey. You left me, Trace.”
I sat and looked at him for a moment and my eyes filled with tears. Every time I blinked another tear fell. I stared at my husband, the love of my life, who was crying, hurting, and staring at me. I couldn’t run; I had to listen to what he had to say. I opened my car door. Dwight came in and hugged me, and we sat in the car and talked. Dwight told me that he never planned to hurt anyone. I was convinced that I did want to be with him. I still blame her.
“I wish we could have communicated better.”
“I know, Dwight, but I thought if I gave you space you would just come home.”
He nodded. “We handled everything like this shit wasn’t real life. I feel bad for trying to do the right thing.”
“The right thing? Dwight, you didn’t even know that girl. Why did you feel like you owed her?”
“Maybe because I’d lost you and our marriage.”
My eyes watered. This was one big ugly misunderstanding. But now what were we going to do? I asked, “So, what’s next?”
“We work it out.”
I nodded but didn’t respond. I didn’t want to lose him more now than ever.
For the first time since I arrived in Maryland, Dwight and I slept in the same bed. Dwight held me closely. He kissed me all over my body and I stroked his back, and he touched between my legs, making me squirm. He made love to me like he loved me. Every stroke was apologetic and sincere.
Alicia
I
’d never fought over a man in my entire life. I had relationships down to a science. Knowing when to leave is the first formula to success. How had I missed all the warning signs? I should have known it was too good to be true. He’d portrayed her to be a selfish woman who didn’t care about him. The woman who just attacked me loved Dwight as much as I did. It was crazy for me to believe that she could let him go so easily.
Initially I was angry when my mother popped up. I was sitting in my car, stunned, when she tapped on the window. She told me to get out and get to the bottom of it. I really didn’t want to, because I knew what had happened. I’d been played. She had DJ’s car seat looped on her arm. She said, “Let’s go. You didn’t come here to sit in the car.”
My mother was like a woman with a vengeance. This was not only my battle it was hers, too. It all happened so fast, but it was clear that Dwight was a fraud. Please, someone erase this nightmare. My heart felt as if it had been ripped from my chest. His wife had settled in the house that I helped him select. My mother didn’t say anything as she helped me into my car. She just rubbed my back. Really, there was nothing to say. My rare man had turned out to be just another man. They will all do what feels good for the time being. Why don’t they consider everything before satisfying their own selfish needs? I hated Dwight. No, I loved Dwight. Or was I in love with his representative? My Dwight would never be so careless. He would know about any technicality in the divorce. He would know that our marriage wasn’t legal. Is he just a con artist? So many questions filled my brain. But still my heart wouldn’t let me hate him. I still believed in him.
My mother and DJ followed me back to her house. When we got there, I went to the bathroom and began to throw up blood. My mother heard me gagging and rushed in.
“Alicia!” She knelt down and hovered over me. I heard her sniffle. This was as painful to her as it was to me. She rubbed my back. “Baby, do you want to go to the hospital? Your stitches may have ripped.”
“No, just leave me alone. I’m okay.”
“Alicia, you’re not supposed to have any strenuous activity for weeks. You just got into a fight. Let’s go to the hospital.”
“I don’t want to go. Just leave me alone.” I curled up on the bathroom floor and tears rolled from the corners of my eyes. My mother lay beside me and put her hand around my waist. I sniffed. “Why me, Mommy? Why me?”
“Baby, don’t be the victim. Don’t be the victim.”
“But I am. I just had his baby. He had to know he wasn’t divorced. He had to have known she was coming here. I just don’t understand.”
I wanted my mother to say something profound, something that would justify Dwight’s actions. Instead, she said, “I don’t either.”
My baby’s cries took precedence over mine as my mother hopped up to attend to him. The excruciating abdominal pain overpowered the pain in my chest, so I closed my eyes. Just as I attempted to drift away and convince myself this was a dream, my mother’s piercing scream forced me to jump up. She rushed toward me and blood dripped from her hand. I shouted, “What happened?”
She shouted back, “You’re bleeding! You have to go to the hospital.”
I looked down and my shirt was drenched with blood. My knees weakened and I suddenly felt faint. DJ screamed at the top of his lungs. My mother yelled into the phone, “My daughter is bleeding! Yes! Yes! Please send an ambulance.”
I wobbled from the bathroom to get a towel from the linen closet. My mother yelled at me, “Sit down! Just sit down!”
I held the towel over my stomach. I needed to get DJ. He shouldn’t suffer, just because we were messed up. His poor little lungs couldn’t handle that much crying. I panted, “Get the baby, Ma. Get the baby.”
Maybe I was just moving my mouth, because she simply held me and ignored my baby. “Ma, please. Get the baby.”
When we heard the ambulance sirens, she rushed to the door. I was so embarrassed. How could I explain that this was all a result of a fight with my baby’s father’s wife? This was some ghetto shit. I was disgusted with myself. I was even more disgusted with my situation. The paramedics rushed in and began ambushing me with questions.
Damn it, I just had a baby. My incision is bleeding. Who gives a damn what I did to make me bleed? Just take me to the damn hospital
.
Nearly twenty minutes elapsed before they put me on the stretcher. My mother told me she’d follow the ambulance. I gasped. “Don’t bring the baby. Call . . .”
My mother huffed. “Call who? Don’t worry about it. I’ll be there.”
When I got to the hospital, I was treated immediately. I didn’t even know what was occurring and the drama in my life wouldn’t allow me the chance to worry about it. I had popped several stitches. The female doctor asked the inevitable, “What were you doing?”
I said, “I fell down the steps.”
“Really?”
Her sarcastic tone made me feel like she knew I was lying, so I changed the subject. “So how many did I pop?”
“Quite a few, Mrs. Wilson.” That name made me cringe. My marriage was bogus. She continued, “You have to be careful. This could have been worse. You’re actually lucky that you bled externally. If your stitches busted internally, depending on your pain tolerance, you may not have known. You could have died.”
You mean to tell me that love really does kill?
Suddenly, all I wanted was to be alive and take care of myself and my son. Dwight didn’t matter. His lies didn’t matter. I nodded at the doctor. She smiled at me and repeated, “You’re so lucky.”
After she restitched me, my mother came into the room. I asked, “Where’s DJ?”
“Dwight’s here.”
I was furious. “Why is he here?”
“I called him.”
“Why did you call him? He doesn’t belong here! This is all his fault.”
She rubbed my hair. “Baby, you don’t mean that. Dwight is just confused right now. Be patient.”
“I can’t be patient. Why did he lie?”
“Calm down, Alicia. Maybe he didn’t.”
Maybe that was all I needed, someone to validate what I wanted to believe. Dwight couldn’t have done this intentionally. The anxiety boiling in me simmered down and I told her to send him in.
He stood at the curtain opening. I stared at him and he stared apologetically at me. The only thing I could say was, “What happened? Why? Why? Why is she here? Why didn’t you tell me?”
He hung his head. “She popped up here and I just didn’t know what to do. I’m just trying to figure this all out.”
“But if she told you she wanted a divorce, why is she here now?”
He took a deep breath. “Like she said, the divorce was never final.” He paused. “Which means . . .”
My voice intensified. “Dwight, how could you not know? You’re lying to me!”
“I’m not lying, baby, and I feel like shit.”
I turned my head away from him. “You should feel like shit.”
“I’m so sorry about everything. I’m sorry that I hurt you. I’m sorry about you being here. I’m just sorry.”
“A sorry fucking excuse for a man.”
He hovered and tried to hug me. His face rested on mine and he wiped my tears. “I’m so sorry.”
“But she just can’t come back and say that she wants the marriage after all this time.”
“I know.”
“When is she going back?”
“I don’t know. I’m working on that.”
“Working on it? She can’t just move into my house.”
He released a long hesitant sigh. “I can’t just put my girls out. What am I supposed to do?”
“You’re supposed to be with me.”
“I am.”
“You’re not.”
“I’m working this out. I promised I’d be there for you and I won’t let you down now.”
“Are you sure?” I asked.
“Yes, I’m sure. She won’t be here long. It’s all a show. Let me work this out and we’ll be happy again.”
He came back to the house and helped me get settled. I needed him to hold me and guarantee that it would all be okay. Instead, he told me that to keep the peace, he had to go home. I closed my eyes to hold back the tears. He kissed my forehead before leaving, and crowned me the other woman again.
Alicia
I
still didn’t know the status of my relationship. Tracey hadn’t left and she guaranteed me that she was in for the fight. I don’t know if it was looking at DJ every day, but I’d never felt like I needed anyone before, and I needed Dwight. A plethora of emotions consumed me as I sat up in the room where I grew up, now with a baby. Just ten months ago, I had it all. Why the hell did I have to fall in love?
The baby cried in the bassinet and I just wanted him to be quiet. My mother was at bingo and I was alone. What gave Tracey more right to my husband than me? And DJ just wouldn’t stop. Why couldn’t I rationalize with this baby that I was having an emotional breakdown and I needed him to be quiet?
Dwight’s occasional visits and vows of love just weren’t enough. I needed him here with this baby and me. I needed to be in my own home, not here with my mother telling me that I don’t know how to be a mother.
I had to get out. When I hopped out of bed and scooped DJ into my arms, I didn’t really have a plan. I just wanted to run away. This new life was for the birds, and how did I let this man convince me that it was what I wanted? I wanted my single, childless life back. As I sat Indian-style in the middle of my mother’s living room floor, having a screaming competition with DJ, my mother walked in.
She yelled, “Alicia! Alicia!”
I cried, “I just want it to go away . . .”
She immediately grabbed the baby and began shouting at me, “You got to get it together.”
My hands clamped onto my hair and I rocked back and forth. “I didn’t know it would be like this.”
She tended to the baby while she talked to me. “Life is never like it’s planned. You got to roll with the punches.”
Vulnerability is a bitch. How did I let this happen? Why did I let my guard down? I thought he was so different. It’s just not fair.
Her words didn’t make sense as tears fell rapidly from my eyes. She tried to help me from the floor, but I struggled to stay there. I’d reached an all-time low and I needed to just deal with it.