My emotional state scared her and I heard her on the phone. She said, “I don’t know if she took something or what, but she was lying here in the middle of the floor looking like a crazy woman. I need you to come over here as soon as possible.”
After about ten minutes, Dwight walked into the house. He looked down at me and I tried to wipe my face. He took a deep breath and tears welled up in his eyes.
“I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you.”
I rocked back and forth. I couldn’t speak. It hurt too bad.
He knelt down beside me. “It shouldn’t be like this. I’m going to make it right.”
Suddenly, I began wailing, “Dwight, why would you do this to me? I didn’t deserve this.”
He wrapped his arms around me. “You don’t. You’re such a good woman. You don’t deserve this. I’m going to make it right.”
“Why can’t you make it right, right now? Why?”
He rocked me. “I wish I could. I wish I could. This is killing me.”
“Where do you want to be?”
“I want to be with my kids.” He paused. “All of them.”
“What about us?”
“I want to be with you, too.”
“Why aren’t you? Why is she living in the house?”
He hung his head. “I love you, but I owe her.”
“What? Why do you owe her? You don’t owe anything. She let you go. She handed you right over to me. How can she just come back and say she changed her mind?”
He helped me up from the floor. “C’mon. Let’s go upstairs.”
“Just answer me.”
He grabbed my hand and led the way to my bedroom. When we sat on my bed, he said, “I think I let go too soon.”
“But what about me? I didn’t ask for this. You told me you were leaving before I ever started dealing with you.”
I sobbed pathetically. In all my life, I’ve never cried over a man this way. Maybe like my mother always said, it’s different when you make life with someone. After creating a miracle, it’s hard to let go.
My head lay on his chest and he stroked my hair. “You don’t deserve this.”
I beat his chest. “You keep saying that, but why are you doing this to me?”
“I don’t know.”
“Don’t say that anymore. You’re a smart man. You can find the words to explain this to me.”
He lay back on the bed and pulled me with him. We faced each other and began to talk. “I’ve always been a one-woman man and when we got together, I knew this is where I wanted to be. It was over between Tracey and me. But what I didn’t realize, being up here and away from reality, is that it’s not that simple when kids are involved.”
“We have a baby now.”
“So it’s twice as complicated now.”
“What are we going to do?”
“I’m not leaving my son and I’m not living without my girls.”
“You can’t have that.”
“Tracey is going to stay here with the girls and I’m going to be a father to my son.”
I felt like he had suffocated me. What about me? I gagged. I wept harder.
He said, “I know it’s hard, but right is right. I love you to death, but we’re not legally married. And Tracey is still my wife.”
The next morning, I woke up and called my attorney and began proceedings for an annulment. My marriage was a joke and this parenting shit was real, so I had to make sure my mind was right. What was I holding on to? He was confused and in my heart I knew he still loved me, too, but I couldn’t live in disarray any longer. As much as I hate quitting, I threw in the towel. Tracey won. All my nightmares had come back to haunt me.
Tracey
M
ama Dee had been calling me and asking me why I didn’t call her back. On her last message she said, “Don’t make me come up there.” I laughed at her message. She was right; I so didn’t want her to come up here. At least not until this mess was straightened out. I already promised Dwight that I wouldn’t tell anyone about his love child. I am so ashamed. I still don’t know what we are going to do about us. I’m just taking it day by day. Coming up here is like starting all over. I don’t know anyone and I don’t even have a job. But I’m making the best of it.
Dwight was late for dinner again. He blamed it on working late. I tried to go along with the idea that everything was just great and we were still a happy family. I’ve been acting like his son doesn’t exist, like Dwight wasn’t in a new relationship, much less a marriage. But deep down I knew when he was late he was probably with that other woman. Every time I feel a little upset I take Dwight’s credit card and go shopping. And the shopping is really good here. I probably did a good six thousand on his AMEX card so far. I don’t even hide the receipts or bags anymore. I spent three hundred in Bath & Body Works alone. I bought all types of ginger and lemon lotions and cherry blossom body washes. I bought the girls clothes from Limited Too and Children’s Place.
Dwight tiptoed into the house wearing a white cotton work shirt and black slacks. His shirt was hanging out of his pants and he looked like he’d just awoke.
“Where are you coming from?” I asked.
“Just driving around thinking.”
“Dwight, were you with that woman?” I asked, looking him in his eyes to see if I could detect if he was lying.
“No,” he said, trying not to make eye contact with me.
“Where were you at?” I asked, following him into the kitchen.
“The office.”
“Be honest.”
“I am being honest.”
I couldn’t continue to act like anything normal was happening. “What are you going to do? How are you going to fix this?”
“Fix what?”
“
Fix what?
That woman, that boy.”
“I don’t know.”
“Dwight, let me ask you a question. Do you want to lose us? Just leave her alone. What is she doing for you? Huh? We’ve been together since— I can’t believe you can ruin my life like this. I love you, I want to be with you, but I’m not going to share you!”
“I don’t want you to share me.”
“Obviously you do. ’Cause that’s what I’m doing now. You coming home late or waking up early. I’m sacrificing my life to be with you. And you’re having the best of both worlds.”
Tracey
S
ome nights Dwight would come home at a reasonable hour and others he’d be late. It was like I was sharing him and I didn’t like it. I wanted Alicia and her son to just disappear. One day, I found myself praying they’d have a car accident and then I realized that was just mean and evil. Nobody deserved that, even if she was a home-wrecking slut.
The girls and I headed upstairs around nine and I let them lie in bed with me for a minute. They were knocked out by the time I heard the garage door opening. I carried them one by one into their rooms. When Dwight came upstairs, he looked worn out. I knew when he visited his other family, but he never admitted it. I said, “How was your day?”
“It was good.”
He walked into the walk-in closet and began to undress. I leaned on the doorjamb, watching him move slowly. I said, “You okay?”
“I’m fine. Give me a minute.”
He was irritated and I didn’t know why. I wanted to help him, but his expression demanded that I leave him alone. When he finally walked out of the closet wearing pajama pants and a wife beater, he asked if I still needed the light. I glanced down at the book in my hand, thinking,
What the hell do you think?
He shook his head. “You know what, never mind.”
He climbed in bed and rolled over with his back facing me. I continued reading until I fell asleep. A few hours later, I was awakened by whimpering. I popped up, assuming it was one of the girls. I looked around and Dwight wasn’t in bed. Following the sound, I headed into the bathroom. Dwight was kneeling on the side of the tub, crying like a baby. Tears fell from his eyes like from a wounded child. I said, “Baby, what’s wrong?”
“I never wanted things to be this way.”
“It’s okay. We’re working through it. It’s going to be okay.”
He looked me in the eye and said, “You and I are working through this. I’ve abandoned another woman and my son. My life was never supposed to be like this. We fucked everything up. All I wanted to do was take care of you. Now I feel like I should take care of her. She’s over there with my son, doing the best she can, and she has to go right back to work, because I can’t afford to take care of her and you, too. She’s living with her mother, ’cause she planned to move in here with me.”
I’d known Dwight nearly twenty years and I’d never seen him so weak and so helpless. I felt there had to be something I could do to make this right. Other men make the same mistake and could care less about how a child and another woman are going to make it. His tears proved that he was the man I married. I’d sent him off into the wild, and there had to be something I could do to make it all better, to make him stop hurting. I’d been praying. I mean praying hard, asking God to send me a solution to my predicament. I kept asking myself: What is going to make me happy? What is going to make him happy? What is going to make the children happy and keep us a family? The only conclusion I came up with was to accept her. Dwight has always wanted a son. He is not going to leave her alone, and my daughters need their father. There were so many angles of looking at this situation. Allowing that woman and her son to be a part of my husband’s life could be the best or worst thing ever. How many women are adult enough to know that their man is involved with someone else and accept it? I mean really accept it? Danny was sharing her man unwillingly and she was always upset and hurt. He loves her, but all his love couldn’t keep him away from other women. She was constantly finding earrings, hair in her car, smelling perfume on him. I don’t want that for my life, and besides, it is my fault. I was the one who pushed Dwight away. He is a good guy, he is a good father. He was respectful enough to marry this other woman so she wouldn’t have to be a single mom. Maybe I could possibly not share, but know that she exists. But only if she respects me and is kept out of my face. Maybe I could look the other way. It could work for us. If I did agree with this situation, I would never have to worry about where he was because I would know.
My thoughts kept racing by—one part of me saying I’ll never knowingly share my man. The other says it is better than losing him. I made up my mind. I was going to take action.
The next morning while Dwight showered, I grabbed his phone and wrote down Alicia’s phone number. Around twelve, I got up the courage to call. I didn’t fully know what I wanted to propose, but I knew something had to be done. She answered cautiously, “Hello.”
“Alicia. This is Tracey.” She huffed and I continued, “I know I’m the last person you expected to hear from, but I didn’t call to start any drama.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Can we meet for lunch?”
“To discuss what?”
“How we can deal with the situation we’re in like adults.”
“That sounds like a plan. Where do you want to meet?”
“I don’t know. I’m still getting familiar with the area.”
“You’re right off of Arundel Mills Boulevard. Meet me at the food court of the mall around the corner.”
My heart beat rapidly as I sat waiting for my husband’s other wife to come. Finally, she arrived, strolling the cutest baby boy. His head was full of curly black hair. Alicia had on gym clothes and her stomach looked as if it was flat again. I was envious of her body. For a minute, I reconsidered my plan. I walked over to her and greeted her. She said hello and walked toward a table. We sat across from each other and I looked down at her baby and saw a miniature Dwight.
“Hello, how are you? And what’s your name, handsome?” I said as I reached for the smiling baby’s hand.
“This is DJ.”
“DJ.”
“Yes, Dwight Junior.”
Her saying Dwight Junior crushed my heart. I took a deep breath. This was going to be harder than I expected. “Um, I’m going to get some coffee. Would you like some?” I said, getting up from the table.
“Yeah, I’ll take a latte with two creams and two Sweet’n Lows.”
I walked over to the counter and I turned back and looked at her holding my husband’s son. What was I going to do?
We sat in the food court for two hours. I didn’t even get up to go to the restroom. She explained her side of the story and I explained mine. She seemed like a nice person. She even showed me her wedding ring. It was bigger than mine. There were moments throughout our conversation when I wanted to run out of that mall and go kill Dwight. I mean, she knew about me, our girls, and our family. She seemed like she was real confident in her relationship with him, but I wasn’t.
By the end of our conversation, I knew there was only one thing to do, and that was allow her and her child access to my husband. What I was about to say didn’t even make sense to me. But the words came out of my mouth. I slowly said, “I don’t know how this is going to work. I can’t even tell you I’ll agree with it tomorrow. But I’m going to allow you to be a part of my husband’s life.”
“You are?” she asked, surprised.
“It is best for everyone. Especially our children, and I don’t believe in raising kids differently and I think children should grow up with their father. My parents are no longer here. And I believe Dwight made a mistake and we’re going to have to deal with it right now.”
“You’re right. I can’t wait for the girls to meet their brother.”
“Oh no, I hope you will respect that I don’t want to tell my children that your son is their brother. I want them to have a relationship. I want them to meet him and get to know him. And when they are a little older we can tell them.”
Finally, she said, “Does Dwight know about this?”
“I wanted to speak to you first and then I’ll go to him with it.”
“So how will all this work?”
“I’ll give you a call this evening.”
“I’ll be waiting.”
Alicia
W
hen Tracey asked me to meet her, I thought about not going, but I felt something in her voice. She seemed sincere and as if she really wanted to find a solution to our problem. I walked out of the mall, thinking how right she was. Whether it was sexual or not, we were sharing Dwight. After I locked DJ in his car seat, I sat in the parking lot for a minute. It was strange that I was really considering this. Did this mean that he would be my man and hers, too?