“Be confident. Be Tracey. He’ll come around.”
I felt better after I spoke with her and I decided to really settle in. I started looking into getting my Maryland real estate license, because I was getting bored with sitting home and entertaining these little girls. While I was in the grocery store, it was as if the free magazine wall called my name. There was a children’s magazine listing camps and summer activities for kids.
Before I put the groceries away, I called several of the camps to check for availability. I registered both girls in a dance camp not too far from the house. Thankfully, they would start on Monday morning. When I called Dwight to let him know, he didn’t sound as excited as me. He didn’t know what it felt like to be home with nothing to do.
Alicia
S
even whole days later, I still didn’t even feel like Dwight’s son’s mother. Though initially I thought it made sense for Dwight to stay at the new house, I began to wonder. Was it just my insecurities bothering me? What could he possibly be doing? Shouldn’t he be here more?
It’s hard to really feel what you feel when there is another woman in the house already questioning your man. I fronted around my mother like his absence didn’t bother me, but it was killing me. Here I was with a two-week-old, trapped upstairs in a room, and his damn work phone kept going to voice mail.
I tried the work phone. I tried the cell phone. I called Desiree. I asked her if Dwight was there and she hesitated. Finally, she said, “Alicia, I don’t want to get into it.”
“What?”
“Didn’t you call him?”
“He didn’t answer and I’m just asking you if he’s there.”
She paused. “He’s here, but he’s with a client.”
“That’s all you had to say.”
She chuckled a little. “How’s DJ?”
“He’s fine. He cries a lot, but he’s the sweetest little angel.”
“That’s so good.”
She seemed to be rushing me off the phone. So I ended the call first. Then I returned to stalking my husband, who had been MIA for way too long. The nice, patient bitch disappeared as I yelled into his voice mail, “Where the hell are you?”
I pushed the
OFF
button as hard as I could, wishing it were one of the old-school phones that could be slammed. With each message, I got angrier and angrier. The confidence I used to have was gone as my body began to shake. I rocked the baby and jumped every time the phone rang. I just couldn’t understand how everything had changed overnight.
My mind began to play tricks on me. Maybe he was seeing Desiree. Why did she seem so strange? We were better than this. I trusted him and I trusted her. How could they do this to me?
I walked into my mother’s room and asked her if she would keep the baby while I took a walk. Of course, she didn’t want me to leave, but I was tired. I needed air. I needed to think about my life and how something so right seemingly took a wrong turn.
After nearly ten minutes of convincing, she willingly agreed to let me stroll the neighborhood. I put on my sweat suit, but prior to leaving the house, I called him again. His cell phone went straight to voice mail. I called Desiree again and she didn’t answer. My breathing got heavy and I felt like I should rush out before the tears started.
I stood at the front door and suddenly I had a plan. Damn it! I had to get to the bottom of this. I don’t care what anyone has to say. My purse sat in the closet and I debated. Am I crazy for fighting for my marriage?
I grabbed my purse and rummaged through it to find my keys. They weren’t in there. As I snuck into the kitchen, my mother’s footsteps creaked in the hallway over me. It was just a matter of seconds before . . .
“Alicia, what are you doing?”
While I slowly pulled out the kitchen junk drawer, I said, “I just wanted to drink some water before I go out.”
Just as I noticed the keys, she started down the steps. I balled the keys in my fist to silence the jingling. By the time she hit the bottom step, I’d put them behind my back. Caught! Her eyes questioned what I was doing. I took a deep breath and camouflaged my insanity with a smile.
“Ma, what are you doing?”
“What are
you
doing?”
“I was trying to see if you had bottled water.”
“You know I don’t have bottled water. Get yourself a water bottle and put some regular water in it.”
My fist was still balled as I swung open the cabinet to find a water bottle. I prayed her away and God granted my wish as she headed back up the stairs.
“Alicia, don’t stay out there too long. Make sure you take your cell phone.”
I chuckled to myself. Damn right, I’m taking my cell phone, because I have shit to take care of. Just as I headed to the door, it rang. My hands shook as I pulled it out of my jacket pocket. It was Dwight’s work phone. I exhaled, but immediately tensed back up when I heard his voice.
“Hey . . .”
I looked at the phone. Could I at least get some sort of apology? How about
I’ve been calling you all day, punk
? Everything I wanted to say would probably come out wrong. Instead, I just asked, “What time are you coming over?”
He hesitated and I snapped, “Where have you been?”
“Working! Where the hell do you think I’ve been?”
I opened the door and rushed out before my mother heard me. I sighed. “Dwight, I really have no clue where you’ve been.”
He sighed. “This is just really a rough time right now. Please . . .”
“Please, what? This is a rough time for me, too. I just had a baby and my husband is nowhere to be found.”
“I’m working!”
“You’re not working that fucking much!”
He huffed. “Wow. You know how much work I have to do.”
“Do you realize that having a newborn is hard work, too? I need you. If I knew you weren’t going to be here for me, I . . .”
“You what?”
“Dwight, I need you.”
“I know.”
I bit my lip. If he knew, why was he making me suffer?
“Talk to me, Dwight. Tell me what’s going on.”
“Alicia, having a son was one of the best times in my life, but I’m struggling with it, too.”
I sniffed. “Why now?”
He took a deep breath and I heard an interruption on the line. He asked me to hold. Shortly after, he returned and before I could speak, he said, “Lemme hit you back.”
He hung up and I rushed to my car. I didn’t know where I was going, but I planned to find him and figure out what was going on. Hell, with this sudden change, it could be drugs. I just needed to see where he was going after work.
When I pulled up to his work parking lot, I found his car and parked my car in an inconspicuous space that would allow me to see him. My mother started calling my cell phone just minutes after I got there. She left frantic messages, swearing that I wasn’t healed yet and that I should come home.
I beat on the steering wheel, praying that I wouldn’t have to act a fool in the work parking lot. If there was any evidence that he was sleeping with Desiree, I’d have no choice. After an hour of being drowned with anxiety, I saw him walk out of the building. Keeping my eye on him, I watched the building, looking for Desiree.
He talked on his cell phone. Why did he appear so intense? I let him start his car before starting mine. My hands clamped tightly on the steering wheel and my eyes were glued to the windshield. I followed a few cars behind. It was pertinent that I didn’t lose him. After a few obvious turns, it was clear that he was headed to our new home. Trying to avoid being spotted, I pulled over on the main highway just blocks prior to the turn on our street. The few seconds that I sat gave me a moment to breathe. In my pursuit, I don’t remember thinking. Getting to the bottom of this bullshit was the only thing on my mind.
My mother called as I was counting to one hundred, trying to space the time he arrived and when I popped up. Could she really punish me for driving when I shouldn’t be? I decided to answer. She immediately began shouting and asking where I’d gone and why I hadn’t answered my phone.
I tried to stay calm and pretend that I wasn’t out here stalking my husband. I snickered, “Ma, I had to get out. I’m at the new house. I’ll be home soon.”
“What? Why are you trying to kill yourself?”
“I’m not going to kill myself. Lemme go. I’ll be home in a minute.”
I closed my phone and pulled off. Butterflies filled my stomach as I turned the corner. Why was I afraid? Showing up here is just going to let him know that I will not stand for an absentee father.
Tracey
D
wight, what the hell is going on? Why the fuck haven’t you been there for me?” I peeped out the blinds. I saw a woman screaming and an older woman with a baby in a navy blue and white striped car seat standing in front of the door. Dwight ran out the door.
“Dwight, what the hell is this?” I asked as I followed him onto the porch.
“Go into the house,” Dwight demanded.
“I’m not going anywhere.” I turned my attention from Dwight to the woman who was crying. “What’s going on?” What the hell was the woman talking about? Why was she crying and why the hell was she out here screaming at nine in the morning?
“Go into the house. I have this,” Dwight yelled at me again.
“No, Dwight! Whatever business she has with you, she has with me.”
“So this is what this is about. Your ex-wife is paying you a visit,” the woman yelled with authority. Did she say ex-wife? I didn’t know who this woman was but I knew I needed to correct her.
“Ex-wife, honey? I’m still his wife,” I said, turning my attention to him.
“You mean your ex-husband. I’m his wife now.”
“We are not divorced, so that’s impossible,” I said as things still were not making sense.
“He is married to me now and this is his son!” she screamed. I almost passed out. By now the girls had run outside. I didn’t want them to hear the nonsense the woman was speaking about their father. I grabbed my daughters and ushered them in the house. I took them into Dwight’s bedroom, turned on
Hannah Montana
, and turned up the volume. I ran back downstairs and to the front door.
“Dwight, come in this house right now.”
Dwight looked at me standing in the door and then at the woman crying. He didn’t move for what seemed like ten minutes and finally he said, “Alicia, take the baby and your mother home. I’ll call you.” Then he walked back toward the house.
The older woman who was holding the baby screamed, “Dwight, you are not going to do this to my daughter. Oh, hell no. You gotta be out of your damn mind. I will come and slap you up myself.”
Dwight and I went into the house and closed the door. My body started trembling. He walked me to the sofa. With my voice and body shaking, I said, “What does she mean that is your baby?”
“I was trying to tell you. You didn’t give me a chance. You just walked in here. I was trying to tell you a lot of things have changed since you stopped taking my calls and hung up on me and screamed that you wanted a divorce almost four months ago.”
“How could you, Dwight? That baby is a newborn. We were only supposed to be divorced a few months ago. You do the math—you started this relationship well before our marriage ended. Soon as you got down here you started cheating on me,” I said as I stood up and started flailing on him. My arms hit him so fast all over his body. He stopped my raging arms by grabbing my wrists and holding me down.
“Please stop. Please stop. We have to talk about this.”
“Talk! There is nothing to talk about. I don’t know you anymore. You fucked up everything.” He grabbed my waist. “Do you love her?” Dwight didn’t say anything. I thought maybe he didn’t hear me. “Clearly we have a problem.”
“I don’t know what to say. You left me up here by myself.”
“How could you? You have a little baby? You married somebody else? I feel like I don’t even know you,” I yelled. I was so disgusted. I couldn’t even look at him. I felt like I was about to kill him. Rage was creeping in my bloodstream. How could it be that he had another family?
I looked out the front window and saw the woman still out there. My heart beat fast and emotions took over. She had my husband’s son. I was jealous. I was mad. Before Dwight could stop me, I ran out the front door, reached out and grabbed the woman’s hair, and tried to wrestle her to the ground. The next thing I knew I was busting her all in her face. I had blood all over my knuckles. Then her mother yelled, “Get off my daughter!” I didn’t mean to hit the old lady. She just got knocked down in the process. But she was in the way of me beating her daughter’s ass. I don’t know what came over me. It’s just like I wanted to kill her, pay her back for making my life hard. He would have come back to Florida if she hadn’t given him any options. She gave him options and I gave her head a beat down with a right and a left combination. As soon as one punch landed, another one was coming. My fists just kept crushing into her skull. Who did this bitch think she was, you have a baby by my husband and you think you gonna come up here and talk your mess on my front door? Oh, hell no. I had the woman in a headlock and I was trying to catch my breath. Then her mother and Dwight were able to pull us apart. She called me bitch and I called her every husband-stealing slut name in the book. Finally, her mother held her and Dwight held me. She shouted, “Bitch, I didn’t steal your husband. You gave him away.”
Her mother helped her to her car and Dwight escorted me back into the house. He yelled, “What the fuck is wrong with you?”
“You cheated on me!”
“You told me you wanted a divorce.”
I broke down and started crying. “Dwight, I just wanted you to come back home. That’s all, and if she wasn’t here, you might have, but you made a baby as soon as you got here.”
For the first time since I got there, he held me with sincerity and stroked my hair. “The baby was premature, Trace.”
“I know you, Dwight. If she wasn’t so willing to fuck a married man, you would have come home.”
He kissed my forehead. “Maybe you’re right. Who knows?”
After he calmed me down he told me he was taking a drive and he would be back. While he was gone I contemplated my next move. Should I go? Should I leave? I couldn’t believe this was happening to me. I swore Dwight was different. I thought I had an exception to the rule. I guess there is no such thing. Other people’s husbands cheated on them. Things like this weren’t supposed to happen to me. Dwight had never cheated on me. My heart and head felt so heavy. Why would he risk it all? Why would he jeopardize it all and have a damn baby? I didn’t know what to think. This was so hard to digest. I had thought I had my man on lock. Maybe I took advantage of that for too many years. Maybe he had been cheating on me all along and I just didn’t know.