101 Nights of Great Sex (12 page)

Plus, they make that perfect click-clack across the kitchen floor that gives men instant hard-ons.

Send him a text while he’s at work.
Hi Hon. Cooking dinner 4 U 2nite
. Don’t reveal that there’s anything else going on. When he gets home and you come out in only your apron and your heels, pretend that it’s no big deal. You always cook like this, right?

Is he watching? You bet he is. You’ve got his attention in a way that the football game never will. So, play it up to the fullest. Bend toward him and let your breasts shake a little while you chop veggies. Run an ice cube over your neck and then suck on it saying, “I always get so hot when I cook.” Every time you open the oven (which should be often), make sure your butt’s in the air. Taste everything slowly, leisurely, and with sound effects.
Mm-mm. This is sooo good.

Pretty soon, he’ll be right there in the kitchen with you. He can only stand to watch you shake your butt and wiggle your breasts for so long before he’s going to want to touch you. Let him touch, but only a little. Remind him that too much snacking will ruin his appetite.

Tease him by asking, “
Is this spicy enough
?” Offer him your finger (or other body part) to taste. It never hurts to spill a drop or two of something. Maybe it falls on the inside of your arm. Or on your belly. Or down between your breasts. Let him lick it off. If some gets on your apron, no worries. Just slide out of it and show him all the other places you might have spilled something. Along your nipples. Between your thighs... now, how did that get there?

All this nibbling and tasting is going to make him so hungry for you that he won’t be able to wait. So let him eat you up. Life’s too short not to have dessert first.

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H
IGHWAYS. BUSES. TRAINS AND SUBWAYS.
They were invented to make life easier and faster for all of us, but the long, boring commute can sometimes make you want to tear your hair out – the crowded stations, the buses with no seats left, the endless red lights!

But not for your guy; not this week. Thanks to a couple of other modern inventions, you are going to make his drive home positively thrilling. Set up the commute of his life by giving him a mysterious instruction in the morning: He
must call you on his cell when he is ten minutes from home
. Why? Oh, you’ve got a surprise for him. A big surprise; that’s all he needs to know. Call or text him during the day to remind him—c
all when you’re ten minutes away
.

When he rings you at home, your conversation will sound something like this—

Him: “
What’s up?
”

You:
“I need your help, baby. I have a little mechanical issue that needs your attention.”

He might ask if the fridge is broken again, or if the dryer is acting up, or, or... “
Here’s a little hint
,” you interrupt him. Then put the phone down near your waist for a couple of seconds so he can hear the buzzing sound of your vibrator. “
Does that sound familiar?
” By now he knows that sound, or should. Tell him, “
Oh, I think I found the problem. I’ll call you right back!
” Then hang up.

Two minutes later, call him in his car. Put the phone between your thighs, and let him listen for a moment. Yes, it is. It’s your vibrator, humming happily along. Tell him all about it. Tell him how hot you are. Tell him you’re right on the edge, but you’re waiting for him to come home and help you finish. Tell him to hurry because things are heating up and you’re feeling lonely for his love. Let him listen for another few seconds, then hang up and wait.

You won’t have to wait long. He’s going to fly home, with a bone in his britches. And when he comes stumbling into the bedroom, he’ll see exactly what he’s been imagining for the last few miles. You’ll be nearly naked, with your legs spread wide, face flushed, a sheen of sexy sweat on your skin. And a vibrator held tight against your mound. After ten minutes of torture in traffic, this blissfully erotic image will be seared into his brain for the rest of his natural life.

Call him over to the bed. Hand him the toy and tell him to take over and hold it snug against you, while you open his pants and pull out his erect penis. You need something firm to grab on to because, after ten minutes of struggling
not
to give in to the power of the vibe, you, my lady, are about to go flying.

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F
OR COUPLES THAT TRULY WANT TO LEARN
how to light their sheets on fire, the Internet is something close to a miracle. And no, I’m not talking about the porn that comes oozing out of your screen every time you turn around. (Holy St. Jenna, most of it is so
lame
! Who knew sex could look so cheap?!)

What makes the Internet so inspiring for aspiring lovers—the “killer app” for novice booty bumpers—is the instructional videos. No snoopy mailmen, no puzzling diagrams of genitalia. In this wonderful age of instant techno-sex, you can download actual demonstrations of specific sexual techniques transmitted right to your bed at the moment of your choosing.

This week you’re going to study the art of manual stimulation or, as it is classically and lovingly referred to, the handjob. Many women mistakenly assume the handjob is easy; a tug, a jiggle, then get out the Kleenex. But consider this—the guy you are trying to impress has been playing this game virtually every day of his pubescent life. He is Tom Brady; he is Tiger Woods – a man who has known for years the power and strength of the hand. And if you’re going to go up against a master at the peak of his game, then you need to learn a few pro tricks yourself.

Fortunately, there’s
HandJobAdvice.com
, a delightful little site with videos by a woman who uses a life-sized plastic model to show you exactly how it’s done. These demonstrations are amazing! She shows you more than twenty specialized techniques for using your hands to get a guy off, but you only need to learn a few. Here are my personal favorites:

1) The Washing Machine:
Wrap your hands around his shaft and lock your fingers together. Then, quickly slide your hands up and down and twist them from side to side—great when it’s time for the big finish.

2) Milking The Bull:
Alternate using each of your hands to pull up on his penis, so that as soon as one hand gets to the tip, the other starts, creating one continuous motion—like he’s pulling out of a never-ending vagina.

3) The Slippy Grippy
(it’s even fun just to say out loud!): Use your non-performing hand to grip the base of the penis. This stabilizes it and allows your stronger hand to grab onto the end with as much force and strength as you like.

Go forth, young student. Learn the handjob.
Become
the handjob. Later this week, a few hours before you plan to debut your new skills, hand your man a big new bottle of Astroglide or other slick sex lubricant. (Also available at
HandJobAdvice.com
, or your local drug store.). Smile and say, “Bring this to bed tonight. I wouldn’t want you to get hurt.”

Now
there’s
a challenge no guy will turn down.

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I
GUESS I WAS JUST AHEAD OF MY TIME.

Way back in 1999 I came across an amazing new gadget: the
remote controlled vibrator.
It was revolutionary, I thought, because it allowed couples to play together in ways that weren’t possible before. That first model was bulky and noisy. But I knew that it was just the beginning of something big, and so I encouraged my readers to try it out.

Flash-forward to the 21st century. Clever, horny little minds have been busy stuffing the best of modern technology into the remote vibe. The newest versions come built into panties and are quiet enough to wear at the office. They’re so small you can wear them under anything. The remote controls fit on a keychain, and the effect travels over a much longer distance. In fact—and I guess I should have seen this coming—there are now panty-laced vibrators that can be controlled from cell phones or the Internet. No noise, no wires, just cyber waves of sheer pleasure.

There’s even a name for this
swelling
industry: Teledildonics. (Sigh. They’re going to need a better name if they want to market this stuff to women.)

Awkward name aside, the whole buzz biz has come a long way. So buy a fresh box of batteries and a pair of remote control vibrating panties, then get ready to give your guy an unforgettable treat. You’re going to let him turn you on. In public.

I strongly recommend that you test it once or twice before you take it outside. Maybe several times. Then on a Saturday, pull on your electric underwear, get dressed, and ask your guy to take you on some errands.

While he’s driving, hand him the remote control. You don’t even have to explain. He’ll figure it out. All he has to do is see the look on your face the first time he presses the remote control. Oh, yes, he
knows
that look. Turn it on: ecstasy. Turn it off: a happy dazed smile. It won’t be long before he realizes what you’ve actually given him. It’s more than just a cool toy, more than a wildly erotic experience. You’ve given him your trust. You’ve taken on this techno-tease, now let him take control of your pleasure.

Things are about to get even more interesting. Stroll through the grocery store – the vegetable aisle is always fun! – and test out your new toy. Will it work when he’s an aisle away? Can you walk with a vibe buzzing your clit? How many times can he bring you close to a climax? Can you keep a straight face? Can he?

The first time I tried this, I planned to let my honey tease me at stores all over town. I figured we would be buzzing at Starbuck’s, humming in the drug store, zinging along the highways, tickling my kitty in Target. But guess what? I didn’t make it past the checkout stand, and I’ll bet you won’t either. I predict you’ll head for home, tear off those panties and jump into bed with your man.

(But will you make it? Or will you only get as far as the parking lot? Hmm. That sounds more like a dare... a double-A dare.)