Authors: Megan McKenney
“Listen, neighbor,” he whispered so only I could hear. “You can’t expect too much out of me. I don’t need you in my life. I’m not the one who’s desperate.”
“Who says you’re desperate?” I asked, still whispering.
“Think about it,” he responding, giving me a few silent moments to figure out what he was saying.
“Wait!” I exclaimed, but still keeping my voice down. “Don’t you tell me that I’m desperate!” I almost wanted to slug him in his perfect jaw.
“Who just broke up with their boyfriend to be with me?” He asked, leaning back in his chair again. I felt my cheeks grow red with anger. How could he do this?
“You said you loved me too!” I spat at him.
“Did I? Or did I just want to screw you?” He grabbed his backpack off from the ground and stood up. The first bell hadn’t even rang yet, however, he was already getting ready to leave class. “And let me tell you what…that was a pretty easy screw.” Winking at me, he took his exit from the classroom. Several students looked up from their last minute homework assignment (the one that I didn’t complete).
I sat in disbelief in the back row. The bell rang and Mr. Thomas took his spot in front of the class with his usual mug of coffee. I was still staring at Keiffer’s empty chair, my mind and heart running too quickly for comfort.
“Good morning, class,” Mr. Thomas started. “Let’s start by going over our homework –“
I stood to my feet in the middle of his sentence. He stopped talking and watched me carefully as I stood there. Finally I snapped back into reality and realized that the whole class was staring back at me. I let out a small airy laugh, embarrassed to be causing this much attention.
“I’m sorry, Mr. Thomas.” I headed towards the closed classroom door. “I’ve got to be somewhere.” I opened the door and started to run down the hallway towards the exit. After scanning the parking lot for Keiffer’s car, I realized that he had already left.
Since I walked to school that morning and didn’t have a car, I knew that Keiffer was going to get home well before I did. Once I arrived at home, I wasn’t surprised to see his car sitting vacantly in his driveway. I marched through his yard until I was standing outside his window. Dad was gone, which meant no one that I cared about, besides Indigo and Keiffer, would hear my pleas.
“Keiffer!” I called from below his window. I knew he could hear me…I just had those instincts. “You can keep playing these games. Go ahead and try to stay one step ahead of me. I don’t care if you’re five steps, or ten steps ahead. Hell, I don’t even care if you’re fifty steps ahead of me. It only matters if I’m still in the game! I told you that I loved you, and I know…deep in my heart I know…that you love me! And you know what? That scares the shit out of you!”
I took a deep breath, the tears finally starting to form. “You wanna know why? You wanna know why, Keiffer? It’s because if you loved me then that would make you vulnerable. You wouldn’t be able to hide behind your music, or…or…your stars. No, you couldn’t even hide behind your nasty attitude.
“I see through that. I see through all of that. You’re really a scared, terrified man. You’re scared that someone you love is going to leave again. But I won’t. No…I will never leave you. This is the real deal, Keiffer. I’m real! Do you see me? Not everyone would stand under your window and tell you this. So, maybe I’m desperate? But being desperate is a hella lot better than being scared.”
I stepped away from his window, letting the tears fall from my cheeks. I watched as Keiffer rounded the corner of the house, his sunglasses over his face like a mask. As soon as he was only a few inches away, I lifted up the glasses…tears lining the bottom of his lashes.
“You don’t have to be scared of me,” I responded. He didn’t say anything, but he did run his hand down my cheek, drinking me in. “I need you… I didn’t think I did. But you’re everything to me.”
“I’m not good for you,” he finally responded.
“You are,” I added.
He shook his head. “Jenna, you might not leave me, but I’m going to leave you.” He kissed my forehead gently. “And I could never hurt you like that.”
“What do mean you’re going to leave me? Keiffer, I don’t care about Yale anymore. If you don’t want to go there, then neither do I. I just want to be wherever you are.”
He shook his head. “I’m not going anywhere…” I stared at him dumbfounded. “Here, I made you a CD. I think it’s best if you just listen to it…it’s better that way.”
Chapter 11
I laid in his unmade bed, our bodies intertwined with each other. Making love the second time was probably almost as good as the first. I loved every moment being together. He panted heavily as we lay as one together. I ran my fingers through his hair, feeling the curls wrap around my finger. He was absolutely perfect in every way.
“What do you miss most about Florida?” I asked, studying his perfect hair. He was the only guy that I had seen with sun-kissed hair like that.
“The girls,” he responded. I slapped him playfully and he let out a laugh. “I’m just joking. Florida was missing one girl…one perfect girl.” He kissed me passionately on the lips. “No, I really just miss the waves.”
“You mean surfing?” I asked.
He nodded his head. “I miss being out there on the water. And I miss the way that the sun hit me…making the saltwater dry up so quickly that I was practically always half dry and half wet. I can’t explain it…it was great.”
“Your tan seems to be fading,” I mentioned.
He nodded. “And I really miss my sister.”
“You have a sister?” I asked suddenly. Man, for as in love as I was with him, I sure didn’t know a lot. How did I not know that he had a sister?
He laughed. “Yes. She’s twenty-two. She lives with her husband down there.”
“What’s her name?”
“Marigold,” Keiffer responded. “Goldie for short. Hey, I know what you’re thinking!”
“What am I thinking?” I asked, suddenly on the defense.
“You think my sister’s name is weird,” he answered.
I shook my head, suppressing a laugh. “Honestly, Keiffer, nothing surprises me anymore about your family. You guys are all just plain weird.”
“Weird?” Keiffer laughed. “We may be different but we’re certainly not weird!” He started to tickle my sides and I squirmed while laughing loudly. He suddenly became serious, watching my face as though I was turning into a gorilla or something.
“I have something for you to listen to.” He slipped on his clothes and walked over to his computer. He took out a CD and popped it into the laptop. He kissed me on the forehead. “I’m going to leave, but I want you to listen. Please take this message seriously. And trust me…if you never want to speak to me again for this, I completely understand.”
“Nothing will make that happen,” I responded. “I love you so much…nothing could stand in the way of that.”
“Except for possibly this.” He stood back up, slipping out of the room. I laid back down on the bed, listening closely to what he had to say. I settled into his sheets…they smelled like him.
“Hey, Jenna…” The way he spoke my name through the CD made my heart skip a beat. How was he able to make it sound like he was in the middle of an orgasm when he said it? “By now you’ve endured two and a half months of me. We only have about two months until we’re home free. Now we have prom, spring break, and then the ever so popular…graduation.” He let out a chuckle at this.
“And you’ve got your anticipated speech. Which, I know you’ll be great at.” I tried to catch my breath as I listened to him. It felt like a million butterflies were in there. “I’m honestly not quite sure what’s going to happen to us. This scares me…more than you could ever imagine. This wasn’t a part of my plan. No, I wasn’t supposed to fall in love this year. Or any year. But I’m not going back on my word. No matter how beautiful, and sweet, and,” he paused as though he were trying to find the right word. “And perfect you may be, I’ll never let go of my word. That’s why you need to move on. Right now. While you have the chance.
“I’m going to tell you something now. Something that I haven’t told anyone about. My mom doesn’t know, my sister doesn’t have a clue…but you will. I’m only telling you because I trust you. And if you tell anyone, that’ll be the end of this.”
“I won’t tell anyone,” I whispered into the vacant room.
“My dad and I were pretty close. But he had a problem…a drug problem. The drugs took over his life. That’s where all our family’s money went. My mom didn’t know…I don’t know how she didn’t. Either she didn’t want to admit it, or she decided that he needed to live his life like how he wanted. But he did live his life how he wanted. And soon the drugs came before anyone else in his life. And that’s what killed him.
“He told me that night he committed suicide…he said, ‘Keiffer, if you ever feel like you can’t control yourself. If you ever feel like you’re worthless. End it. End your life without even looking back.’ He let me see his revolver…the one that he shot his head off with later that day. It looked like a normal gun. It felt like one too. But that normal gun changed me forever.
“Jenna, by the time graduation comes…I will be dead…” The CD went blank, but I listened closely for him to say anything else. I sat in his bed dumbstruck. Scrambling for my clothes, I threw them on and ran down the stairs. He was sitting on the porch with a glass of lemonade.
I stared at him in disbelief. How was he able to sit there so normally? He had that damn smile upon his face as he handed me the extra glass of lemonade. I took it hesitantly, still absolutely in awe at how he could feel this way.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” I blurted.
He laughed, adverting his eyes from mine. “Is that the way you speak to a sick person, neighbor?”
“Just answer the damn question!” I demanded. “What’s wrong with you? Why did you just call yourself sick?”
He shrugged his shoulders. “Guessing you never heard of depression…”
“I’ve heard of it,” I said quickly. “But I’ve also heard of medication!”
“Me too!” He smiled again and I felt the tears that I was holding back splash across my cheeks. He sighed before taking a sip of his drink. “You just don’t get it.”
“Don’t get what? The fact that you’re depressed? The fact that I just showed you how much I loved you and you still don’t understand that you’re special? What’s wrong with you?” I felt like I could have punched a hole through his house. “You’re scaring me, Keiffer!”
“Good!” He said back, his voice sounded demonic. “Good!” He said again once he got to his feet. “I’m scared too, Jenna. I wasn’t. No, I was more than content with my decision before I met you. But, now, everything’s changed.”
“And it should. Keiffer, I’m willing to change my whole life for you! If you just stay here, I’ll stay with you.”
“And what? Miss out on college? You’ve been working so hard to get where you are. Yet, you’re willing to just throw it away?” He brushed a strand of hair away from my face.
“I would do anything for you,” I responded. “If that’s what would keep you alive, then I would live in…Guatemala for you. I need you. I don’t think you understand that I really and truly do need you.”
“And I need you,” he responded. “But I don’t think I can give you what you want.”
“You can. You don’t have to do anything special. Just be you. Keiffer, just be you!” I wrapped him in a hug, feeling his arms fold around me. I cried for him…I cried for the fact that I may have lost him. I cried because I may still lose him.
“Hey, wake up!” Keiffer shook me slightly as I laid in my bed. I didn’t want to move…it felt like I had only been sleeping for a few hours. He tried again, shaking my shoulders slightly. “Come’on! Get up!” His voice was just barely over a whisper.
My dad didn’t know that Keiffer had been sleeping over at my house for the past two weeks. We had decided that my house would be better to stay in, considering the fact that my dad liked to knock on my door in the middle of the night to make sure I was still alive. He had been doing that a lot lately…since mom left. After the whole incident with me staying over at Keiffer’s house, I made sure that I was never out of my room without my dad knowing. But it was a good thing that dad never came into my room because then WWIII would break out if he caught Keiffer sleeping in the same bed as me. So we kept it a secret from him, our bodies molded together as one each night. No one knew… it was our little secret.
“Why?” I whispered back, my mind still stuck half way in the dream.
“Because,” he answered back. I hated when he did that. He sometimes didn’t answer back completely.
“Because
why
?” I rolled over to look at the alarm clock. “Keiffer! It’s only four in the morning! I don’t have to be up for another two and a half hours!” I rolled my eyes before turning back over to my side. I hated getting up in the morning – especially almost three hours early.