Authors: Megan McKenney
“Um, as your best friend, my job is to tell you the truth. If you were lazy, I’d tell you,” she laughed. “And if your hair needed desperate brushing, I’d tell you.” She pointed at my knotty hair. I hadn’t brushed it in a week. Go figure. “And if I was hungry…” she leaned across me and took the soup from my nightstand. “Who brought you this?”
Caught…again. But this time, he and I were just friends so I had nothing to hide. I hesitated, and Lacey being my best friend, understood exactly why I hesitated.
“Keiffer brought this, didn’t he?” She asked. I nodded my head slowly. “And as your best friend, I would think that you’d tell me if there’s still anything going on between you two.”
By the way her words were expressed, I knew she felt hurt. This was the girl that I used to tell everything to. But now, ever since Keiffer, she had been moved to the back burner. It wasn’t like I meant to do that to her, but he just took the number one spot in my life. He was the first to know about my parent’s divorce, and yet Lacey had to find it out through Brad. I knew that she was feeling as though I was pushing her away, but I truly didn’t mean to.
“You know what?” She said while placing the soup back down. “Let’s find something else to eat. Come’on!”
We went down to the kitchen, the bright sunlight coming in through the windows hurt my eyes just a little. I sat down on the kitchen stool as Lacey dug through the freezer. She pulled out some ice cream, took two bowls out of the cabinet and started to fill them up with huge scoops.
“There,” she said when she finished. “The perfect afternoon snack.” She took a bite and closed her eyes. “Heaven in a bowl!”
I laughed, but knew that my snack wasn’t complete yet. I grabbed a bottle of mustard from the refrigerator and squeezed some on the top of my ice cream. Lacey got quiet as she stared at me from across the dining room.
“You hate mustard,” Lacey finally said as I placed that mustard back into the refrigerator. It was true…mustard was probably cousins to the devil. But it kind of sounded good. Mustard and chocolate ice cream. That went as a pair, didn’t it?
“But it just sounds good,” I answered, filling my mouth with the bitter-sweet goodness. And boy, was it good! Lacey stared at me for another few seconds before continuing on with her own delicious ice cream.
“Maybe you’re pregnant,” Lacey laughed. “That’s a pretty weird combo.”
“Being pregnant involves sex,” I laughed before taking another bite. Yet, as soon as the ice cream hit my tongue, my mind started going crazy. Was I pregnant? I told Keiffer not to use a condom. I was so heated and so in love that I wasn’t even thinking. All I wanted was him and I didn’t even care about the future consequences.
“Speaking of sex, Brad is going crazy! He was talking to me –“
“He was talking to you about our sex life?” I exclaimed, perhaps a little too loud. I wasn’t exactly mad at Lacey, but now I had such adrenaline running through me that I could only focus on one topic.
“Well, it just came up in conversation. It was brief…” she started to backpedal.
“I need to…do something,” I scrambled to my feet, my face obviously showing discomfort. “You…you…you need to leave!”
“Jenna, I didn’t mean to make you mad…” Lacey started as she walked to the door. I threw it open, letting the afternoon sun blind me for a second.
“You didn’t, Lace. I love you and thank you for the notes. I just forgot that I had to –“
“Do something?” Lacey finished, eyeing me suspiciously.
“Precisely.”
“What about prom?” She said quickly before I slammed the door behind her. The question knocked me off guard and I had to think about it for a second. “It’s tomorrow night. Are we still meeting at your house around five?”
“Um,” I ran my hand through my extremely messy hair. I had completely forgotten about prom! How stupid! I hadn’t even bought a dress or anything yet! “Yes, prom. Tomorrow. Five. My house.” My sentences came out as choppy as possible. But without her being able to say anything else, I slammed the door in her face and ran upstairs to get dressed.
God help me.
Chapter 14
Standing in the grocery line with my hoodie pulled up over my face, I tried not to look conspicuous. Everyone that I knew (student wise) were at school so I hoped that I wouldn’t run into anyone I knew. The line seemed to be going too slowly…it was as though every person and their cousin got a box of frozen foods with a hole in it or something. Another lady dropped her gallon of milk and we had to wait while a clerk mopped it up. The joys of living in a small town.
Right when it was my turn, I handed her my purchase. She took it into her hands, trying to scan it over and over again. When it wouldn’t scan she had to type it in. I felt my heart race as she tried to get it to work. Next thing I knew, without looking up, I heard a gentleman way down in the line cough. My spine arched a little at the sound. I knew it anywhere…my dad.
I didn’t look up. In fact, I didn’t even breathe. Luckily, the sweatshirt I was wearing was Brad’s so he wouldn’t recognize it. I pulled the hood over my head a little more and put my back to him. The last thing I needed him to see was me standing there buying that thing!
“Jennifer, I need a new pregnancy test!” The clerk called across the store to another employee. At that moment, I was practically dead. I threw the ten dollar bill that I had stuffed deeply into my pocket, grabbed the box out of the clerk’s hand and took off running to the car.
By the time I got to the house, I placed the test into my closet and shut the doors real quick. Sitting on my bed across from the closet, I stared at it as though it were about to burst into flames. My heart racing way too face, I felt as though I were about to hyperventilate. What if I was pregnant? What if everything I had worked for in my entire life was going to be ruined? I couldn’t think about it. I just couldn’t. No, karma wasn’t that much of a bitch. Right?
After coaxing myself up, I grabbed the test from the closet and made my way to the bathroom. Sprawled across the bathroom floor, I tried my best to read the directions. Basically, all I had to do was pee on the stick and either I would get a + for positive or – for negative. Simple…simple…
So I peed. And I waited. And I waited some more. I laid in the bathtub, listening to the seconds tick away on the clock in front of me. My eyes were glued onto the clock…nothing was going to take away my focus from that thing. No, nothing at all. Not even a baby. My heart raced at the thought of being pregnant. I knew it wasn’t Brad’s. What would he do if I was pregnant? Could I blame it on God? Could I say that he shouldn’t be mad because I was giving birth to the second coming of Jesus? I thought about the possibility. No, that was wrong.
Right on time, the timer started going off. My eyes were ripped off the clock, and rested upon the stick that was sitting next to the timer. I scrambled to my feet, feeling as though I was replaying the scene in Bambi where he learned to walk. My legs felt like jell-o as I walked over to the counter, trying my best to not glance at the stick as I turned off the timer.
Picking up the stick, I sat back into the tub. I felt safe in the tub. I felt like no one, not even this stupid pregnancy scare, was going to get me if I stayed in there. I pulled the curtain across, giving myself my own little haven. Letting my eyes adjust to the lack of light, I looked down that at the face of the stick. There, in pink, was the symbol +.
Have you even been so numb that you literally didn’t even have a single thought in your head? That was me right then. Sitting there, in that tub, I didn’t think about a thing for the next ten seconds straight. Once the impact hit me, I began to cry. No, it wasn’t like I was crying hysterically, but I was crying to the point where I had tears going down my face. In a way, I was more hurt the day that Keiffer broke up with me. But honestly, I was mostly just plain scared. My whole life was gone. With one stupid decision I had changed my whole life.
Dad came home around four. I was sitting on the porch when I watched his SUV roll up the driveway. I had my legs pulled up tight so that my chin was able to rest on my knees. He parked the car and popped his trunk to get his briefcase out. What was I going to tell him? He already had so much going on. He was getting a divorce from my mom. How was I going to add more stress on him? I couldn’t do that! In fact, I couldn’t even tell my mom. I needed to move away. I couldn’t let anyone know.
“Hey, honey,” dad said once he noticed me on the porch. I looked up at him, watching his face grow with concern. “Are you okay?” He asked while sitting down on the swing next to me.
I nodded my head and tucked my hair behind my ears. I wasn’t okay. In fact, I would never be okay again. I had ruined everything! How was I going to Yale in the fall and be pregnant at the same time? Thoughts started to run through my mind at that moment. What if I got an abortion? I wouldn’t have to worry about a thing. Soon a sense of peace filled me as I thought about that alternative. That was what I was going to do, I had decided.
“I know what will make you feel better,” he said encouragingly. “How about I make you your favorite…spaghetti?”
He hadn’t cooked once since mom left so I quickly agreed to it. Right then, anything sounded good. I wanted food, but I was much too lazy to get it for myself.
“Would you pick up the mail on your way in?” He asked before heading into the house. I sat on the bench a few more seconds before finally deciding to get back up.
I made my way to the mailbox, running my hand over my flat stomach several times. Soon, very soon, I wouldn’t be skinny anymore. No, I would be a whale. I would have a huge bump. There was no way I would go through with it. No way at all!
There, inside the mailbox, was the glorious letter from Yale. I took it out of the box, feeling the corners of the envelope. This was it! This was the letter that I had been dreaming about since elementary school. I stared at the print. It was so perfect, divine, and precise. This was the moment that would change my life forever. I had to open it, but it felt like I was holding the first Bible… it was so heavy in my hands even though it couldn’t have weighed more than an ounce.
With one quick movement, I ripped the envelope in half. It made a ripping noise a lot louder than I thought it was going to. I felt like I was ripping a piece of my life with it, but I didn’t dare look inside. I didn’t need to know what it said. In all honesty, it felt liberating. I looked over at Keiffer’s silent house. This was where I needed to be. He made me happy. I couldn’t be away from him…it just wasn’t possible.
Knocking on his door, I wasn’t surprised that it took him almost a good three minutes to open it. He stood in the doorway, obviously looking as though someone had punched both of his eyes. I knew he wasn’t sleeping and his hair had been so messed up that I felt as though I should wash it for him. I took his hand and led him up to his room. We hadn’t talked since Wednesday, which had only been two days ago, but I knew that he missed me just as much as I missed him.
I shut his bedroom door and turned back to face him. He was sitting at his desk chair looking at me with those soulless eyes. He was sick and it broke my heart to see him in such a state that I couldn’t help him. I needed him back in my life. We were going to be parents. We were going to have a baby whether he knew it or not.
“Do you love me?” I asked after a few moments of silence. He didn’t say anything but only shifted his eyes down. “Keiffer, do you love me?” I asked forcefully? Again he stayed quiet. This time I walked to where he was and gently lifted up his face so he could look me in the eyes. Our foreheads touched as I stood there in front of him. “Do you love me?” I asked one last time.
He didn’t answer. It wasn’t like I was expecting him to answer. This was Keiffer. Since I had met him in January he had treated me like this. One day he loved me and the next we were enemies. However, looking into his eyes today, I was unable to even recognize that man that I had once known. This wasn’t like him. Every emotion he had ever known had been wiped away by that disease. I took his
answer
and made my way to the closed door. I couldn’t live my life like this. I couldn’t love a man who couldn’t love me one hundred percent of the time.
“I need you,” he finally said before I opened the bedroom door to exit the room. Though his words were bland, I still heard a sense of urgency in his voice. I turned to face him, his eyes still focused on the ground. “You’re the only person in this world that I’ve ever cared about. And I don’t know why. I’m not even capable of loving someone. But for some damn reason, you’re always on my mind. I don’t want you there…I don’t want to think about you.”
“Then don’t,” I answered. My voice was just barely a whisper. I wanted to tell him that I was pregnant. I wanted to scream it at the top of my lungs. Yet, watching him sit defenseless in that chair made me quiver. How was this ever going to work between us?
“But, yes, I still love you,” he finally blurted out. My heart beat faster, but I couldn’t give in. I had been giving in to him since January. Graduation was right around the corner. I had spent my last semester as a senior trying to figure him out. Now, if he wanted me, he had to come after me. “But I don’t want you.”
“You’ll always regret your decision,” I said before closing his bedroom door behind me. Pretty much running to the front door, I heard my name called from the kitchen. Indigo was pulling out a tray of cookies when our eyes met.