A Parent's Guide for Suicidal and Depressed Teens (16 page)

Read A Parent's Guide for Suicidal and Depressed Teens Online

Authors: Kate Williams

Tags: #Family & Relationships, #Life Stages, #Teenagers, #Self-Help, #Depression, #test

 
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and was holding her there. Had I given her the message not to grow up? I was filled with remorse and regretted ever writing the poem or calling her "Coyote." Then one day when I was shopping, I found a beautiful pair of coyote earrings. I bought them and wore them every day, saying as I put them on in the morning that the spirit of the coyote would call Rachel back to life and be with her into her adulthood. Somehow this was one of the most inspiring prayers I've ever had. It's given me the power to hope.
Traditional Spiritual Practices from Your Heritage
If you are connected to a spiritual tradition or religion, this is a good time to ask yourself which practices could be useful to help you hold on to hope. Is there a community ceremony that focuses on hope? Is there an elder, a spiritual leader, or friend who can pray with you? Is there a ritual for cleansing and healing?
Every religionWestern, African, Asian, American Indianhas ceremonies for forgiveness and healing. Twelve Step programs have a structure for renewal, the Fourth and Fifth Steps. At one point in my work I did this formal process concerning my life as a mother. The effect of the process was very powerful.
 
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Other Sources for Spiritual Renewal
Let yourself relax and think about the informal and unstructured activities that give you the deepest sense of wholeness. Maybe you can take some time to go out of doors and rediscover your sense of serenity. The sky and the earth restore our sense of self-worth and hope. Or take an hour to lie on the floor, listen to your favorite musician, and let yourself think hopeful thoughts. Take the time to visit a friend who restores your sanity, connection, and spirit.
 
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13
It's a Jungle Out There: Looking at Other Issues
The order that the mind imagines is like a net, or like a ladder, built to attain something. But afterward you must throw the ladder away, because you discover that even as it was useful, it was meaningless.
UMBERTO ECO
Every way of looking at the world has its limits. As imperfect humans, we don't have one single worldview that can explain everything or guide us always.
I had to be open to see things outside my worldview. As you know from the last few chapters, I see the world through the eyes of a believer in Twelve Step programs and family therapy. But I realize that a single outlook does not work for everybody. In fact, whenever we accept one view, we often tend to shut out other information that may be useful.
 
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Experts on adolescence have said that to be healthy, teenagers need to have a sense of belonging in three areas: home, school, and spirituality. We've delved deeply into family matters, so let's take a closer look at school and spirituality.
First, take a few minutes and forget everything you know about family systems and addiction and look at your child separate from the family. Besides family issues, what has been bothering your child? What are your child's continuing obsessions? Animal rights? Pollution? A feeling of not fitting in? Worry about being good enough to get into college? Think about what you've head your child say, and try to remember if any sentences have been dominant, such as ''I'm so dumb.'' Take stock of what is happening in your child's life.
School
Many adolescents feel pressured by school, by expectations about college, and by the pressures to conform that have always run rampant in American high schools. There's acute tension in almost every high school in this country to fit in, get high, dress the right way, wear your hair right, etc. As our therapist remarked, "It's a jungle out there." It's probably worse now than when we were in high school because the culture has become so much more materialistic, sexualized, and greedy.
 
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Appearances are more important than ever before. So you might consider what kind of pressures your child has at school. Ask your child that question and listen to the range of answers. Does it feel like there are secrets, harassment, or tensions your child can't verbalize? Is your child saying something that doesn't fit into the pattern? Is your child being harassed for being different?
Rachel had gone around saying, "I'm so dumb" for several years. I knew she was smart and perceptive, so I couldn't understand where she got this idea. When she was in treatment and would say she was dumb, the staff and her peers would say, "Uh oh, low self-esteem. Gotta work on that."
Six months after treatment, Rachel got very angry about school. I didn't know what it was about and neither did she. One October night in 1989 we watched
The Cosby Show.
On this particular episode, Theo was diagnosed by his college teacher as being dyslexic. At every turn of the plot when Theo described a problem with learning, Rachel would say, "That's how I feel, Mom." For example, Theo said he studied hard for a test but when he read how the question was worded, he went blank. Rachel said, "I do too." The show was a revelation. I was amazed. Another piece of the puzzle fell into place. I called the school social worker the next day, and they tested her for learning disabilities. She has major problems
 
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with dyslexia, a term the professional educators don't use. Her disabilities affect her reading, paraphrasing, memory, and the ability to understand abstractions and process information. It's difficult for her to get the letters on the page to "hold still" long enough to get the ideas into her brain. I discovered she can read out loud faster with the book turned upside down than she can "the right way." She had done a phenomenal job of getting by at school by overcompensating, listening, even cheating on tests. Oddly enough, her disability makes it easy to read her neighbor's paper during a test! Her teacher and school counselors praised her and affirmed her in her struggle. The school social worker said, "It's amazing what you have accomplished."
I felt guilty that I hadn't figured it out earlier, relieved that we had another piece of the puzzle, and angry at the school for not recognizing her problem. All my anger passed as Rachel made her way through two special education classes and got tutoring for her academic classes.
After a year in special education, she was still struggling with school. Her anger was reduced, but school was still a struggle. A psychologist and her teacher recommended that she be evaluated for attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), an evaluation that can only be done by an M.D. The disorder results in distractibilitya short attention
 
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span. Every sound in the room has equal valuethe gum wrapper, the ticking of the clock, the teacher's voiceso that paying attention to the flow of the class is difficult. The evaluation process for this disorder moved quickly, probably because it made sense. The minute Rachel heard the checklist of symptoms, she laughed and said it sure sounded like her. Besides distractibility, the disorder causes symptoms like impulsivity and problems with aggression.
There's a lot of misunderstanding about ADHD. It's a malfunctioning of the brain that affects not only school performance, but also relationships with people. It may or may not always include physical hyperactivity. Many girls who sit and daydream in grade school, like Rachel, are not diagnosed because they are not causing trouble. Boys, on the other hand, can get a reputation as a behavior problem, rather than a diagnosis and help. This is an example of how covert sexism harms both boys and girls.
We're just beginning to understand how this disorder has affected Rachel's whole life. It seems to have connections to her hot temper and her frustration at communicating. The impulsivity seems to be connected to her accident-prone personality, her early sexuality, as well as suicidal thinking. This is the young woman who had an accident the day before commencement but
 
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walked to the stage on crutches as if she didn't have a care in the world.
In the meantime, Rachel reflects on her life with a philosophical bent much wiser than her years. She has great wisdom about life that coexists with her impulsive nature. There was a joke going around that posed the question, "Have you heard about the dyslexic atheist? She didn't believe in dog." When Rachel heard this joke, she turned quite philosophical. She said, "You know, Mom, I remember the day I realized that
dog
and
God
were the same word. I was jumping on the bed at Kathy's, so it had to be first grade. I thought to myself as I was jumping, if it's the same word, when you spell
doG
,do you capitalize the
G
?" These were serious questions to her that she never asked. No wonder this child had so much trouble in school. It breaks my heart she didn't get help earlier. As she says, she thought everybody saw things the way she did, so what was the point of asking.
Spirituality
Most teenagers feel better when they feel they belong to something larger than themselvesa group, a spiritual community. But even if you raised your children in an established religion, they may not have received the idea that they are loved by God. Some messages from church come through as shaming and perfectionistic.
 
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If you have not been involved in an established religion, what can you do that helps your child develop a spiritual sense, a sense of being at one with and loved by the universe? My daughter resisted joining a church. We visited several kinds of religious communities. What she likes is for me to read her meditations from a book by Diane Mariechild,
Inner Dance: A Guide to Spiritual and Psychological Unfolding.
These meditations create physical relaxation, a sense of peace, and visions of universal connection between people and all living creatures. I see this and her love for music as Rachel's source of spirituality. She has acquired a fondness for environmental sounds, New Age music, George Winston, and electronic music, which she listens to at night when she goes to sleep.
For several years she wanted me to read her meditations, and fortunately, her mind internalized the form. When she spent the summer with her father, she had a bad motorcycle accident. She told me, "I lit my black candle, watched it, then I closed my eyes and made up a meditation about the ocean waves washing all the pain and stiffness out of my body." I think she is learning to take care of herself without me.
In addition to school and spirituality, I also suggest that you look at the issues in parts 3 and 4 and ask yourself if any of these issues are affecting your
 
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child. For example, is it possible your child is struggling with sexual preference? Many suicidal adolescents are struggling with this issue, terrified to talk to their parents for fear of rejection.
Be open to listening to issues that might be bothering your child that do not get categorized in this or any other book. This is what people mean when they say, "Listen." Listen, keep listening. Sit on the couch, pretend to be half-asleep and listen. Give your child a ride, turn off your music, and listen.
 
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14
It Takes Life to Love Life: Self-Care for Parents
If allowed, time and nature will heal you. Remember that you do not have to heal yourself. Nature is ready to do it if you step out of her way and do not present her with those unnecessary obstacles, despair and disappointment.
DR. CLAIRE WEEKES
As you continue working through the process of family recovery, it's easy to get discouraged. It's easy to get into the habit of negative expectations and wonder, "Now what's going to go wrong?" It can seem so overwhelming.
As parents, it's important for us to work our way out of negativity. We can't blame ourselves for not figuring out everything our child needed. We're human, and we can't always have everything figured out. This is one of my biggest lessons from

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