A Parent's Guide for Suicidal and Depressed Teens (17 page)

Read A Parent's Guide for Suicidal and Depressed Teens Online

Authors: Kate Williams

Tags: #Family & Relationships, #Life Stages, #Teenagers, #Self-Help, #Depression, #test

 
Page 108
the last four years. It is still hard for me to accept that I don't get to be perfect. It hurts to know I'm human! Perfectionism is one of the legacies of my childhoodI believed that my job is to always solve the problems. With it comes the related belief that I'm not supposed to
have
any problems, and that the sign of a really together person is someone without problems. We're always going to have problems, and they have nothing to do with our personal worth.
When I start asking myself why I didn't do better or why I couldn't see this coming, I stop and think of the ocean, washing up green, glass baubles, dead fish, beautiful driftwood. I think about how life washes up on us without us really knowing what's coming next. We don't know what life will bring. We can't see into its depths and know what the next wave will hold. All we can do is deal with what comes to shore, the beauty and the pain. Even if our child dies, we have to go on. We have to choose to give up negativity and despair and find beauty in our lives.
Getting discouraged is a signal that you need to take a break. What could you do that would bring you pleasure? What can you do every day to stay centered? Can you take some time now to take a walk and get some fresh air? Are you eating good food? What are you doing today to foster the belief that you, as well as your child, are a beloved child of the universe?
 
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Take some time to do something that will help you find serenity and fun, even in the midst of the chaos. Let go of trying to control the outcome of your child's life. Do what you can and then take care of yourself.
The paradox of letting go of controlling your child's life is that you may suddenly see that child even more clearly than you did before. It is wonderful to find a positive memory of your child and hold it as a symbol of the life spirit. Can you think of one moment of your child's life that you will always hold precious, regardless of the path your child takes? Here is a touching example of what I mean, written by Cary Waterman.
Climbing Mount Washington
There is an old photograph on my desk of my son Devin taken just after he and I reached the top of Mt. Washington in the White Mountains of New Hampshire.
We had all started out together that daymy mountain-climbing brother, Chris; his wife, Cindy; my daughter, Amy; and Tony, my companion of many years. Chris and Cindy were familiar with the terrain. In fact, I had hiked here many times when I was younger. But the years had taken a toll and as we started out it was clear that Devin and I were going to be the slowest. I had the excuse of having smoked for many years. I don't know what Devin's excuse was. It was 1982. I was 40. He was only 13.
 
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I remember that he had on some loose-fitting tennis shoes with broken laces and no socksclearly not the thing for hiking. So we were in general unprepared and on Mt. Washington that's not a good idea; at 10,000 feet the weather can change quickly and the temperature had been known to plummet 30 degrees in minutes.
As the trail narrowed and got steeper, Devin and I fell behind. Soon we lost sight of everyone else. And then, coming to a fork on the trail, I directed us off onto the wrong path. We hiked another three miles before we saw a sign and I realized we were going the wrong way. By now we were both hot and sweaty and not having much fun. But Devin had his heart set on getting to the top. We began to retrace our steps. I remember the trees were close by the side of the trail and we both were thirsty. My brother, of course, had the only canteen. I didn't know at that point if we could get back on the right trail and still make it to the top. We had lost a lot of time.
As we went on, Devin got more and more upset with the way things were turning out. His feet kept flopping around in his shoes and his face was streaked with dirt. Finally, he sat down in the middle of the trail and started to cry. ''Now we'll never get to the top,'' he sobbed. I told him we would still try to do it just to get him up and moving. We finally got back on the right trail and set off up the mountain. My plan was to go part of the way and see what happened. I'd say to him, "Let's go a little further and see what happens." We started and stopped, started and stopped. Other hikers passed us. Like the tortoise, we just kept going. I

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