Affliction (Finding Solace) (3 page)

I didn’t hesitate for one second. ”Sounds like a plan”
came out easily.

“What?” that one threw me. I was losing confidence in my
decision fast.

“Oh, you know I was just kidding with you. Neither of us
would want that now would we?”

She didn’t even pause to think about it.

"That would be a big Hell No!" and then
something about buying her own tooth brush. We started to clean up when I
looked at her and couldn’t help but tell her how good she looked in my kitchen
and how I could get used to it, she said nothing, again.

 The confusion was officially gone. She didn't want
anything more than what we had. So I laughed it off and tried to play it cool,
even though it hurt a little, which is probably why when she said something about
all the other girls, I snapped. Sadie made it perfectly clear what she wanted.
So I needed to make it just as clear .If she wanted to keep an open
relationship going, I was perfectly fine with that. I knew I was more confused now
than ever but she needed to hear me out. “Does it bother you that we seem to be
getting close? If I’m confusing you I’m sorry.” All of this sucked so bad to
talk about but I hated saying this last part the most. “I don’t want to know
what is happening when I’m not with you either, understand?

I had been helping her get dressed at this point, when
she leaned down and I was positive she was going to kiss me. Instead she said,
“Understood.”

That one word fucked with my head. I'm glad Sadie
understood something because I didn't get a damn thing happening between us at
that point.

And then came her birthday, what a night. Somehow we
looped around back to good, really good. Having her party at my bar scared the
shit out of me, I'm not going to lie. Prior to this, I could keep it all
separate. This was the beginning of a shit storm and I didn't know how to deal
with it. I met her parents and some of her friends, but I couldn't bring myself
to pretend to be the boyfriend for the night. She had made it clear where we
stood. I just didn't know how to keep getting what I thought I still wanted
from life and separating it from what I wanted with her.

Sadie had a blast, which in the end was all that
mattered. I only got to peek in on her whereabouts every now and then, seeing
as I had job to do. I wanted to spend all night making her smile but that
didn't happen either. What I did manage to do when we got back to my place was
fall into the hole deeper. I couldn't help it, she was starting to own pieces
of my heart and I really didn’t know what to do. This time I tried to talk to
her about it all. I explained how I was falling hard and how scared I was. I
wanted so desperately to control it because I knew she was my future, it was
just the future we still weren’t ready for. I battled against my feelings for
her but I was never meant to win. When she turned to me and said that she
wanted me anyway she could have me, I knew then we could never have the perfect
scenario we had created in the beginning. It was a lie we agreed to. We were
going to hurt each other if we weren’t careful.

I just couldn't stop the train that would eventually
crash, especially after she opened up about that son of a bitch James. That
mother fucker better not ever cross my path because I will kill him with no
regret.  Once again I got to see what was inside of her, what made her weak.
Holding her while she cried ripped my heart out. I did all that I could to make
her understand that she was going to get past it all someday. I finally got her
to settle down but I knew that wasn’t the end of James messing with her head.

If anything positive can come out of what we had, I
wanted so badly for it to be her confidence growing. We all make mistakes. She
just needed to learn to not beat herself up over them. Seeing her vulnerable
and knowing she trusted me like she did, I was falling even harder. Harder than
I ever felt I had in my life.

I know all of you are saying, "If you really felt
all of this, why were you being such a chicken shit? Saying and doing are two
different things."

And I would say I have to agree with you. There was just
something in the back of my mind saying, "not yet." So let’s just
keep going and maybe I can make more sense of it all.

Chapter 6

Everything had been great. Life was good and Sadie made
it better. She was still giving me mixed signals as to what she wanted but I
was getting closer to wanting to ditch the whole idea of not committing.
Something about her made me want to be the man I could see reflecting back at
me from her eyes. I even did the most unprecedented thing ever at my bar. I
told every employee she was off limits. They were told to give her whatever she
wanted and to treat her like royalty. I caught a lot of shit from the girls who
worked for me but I didn't care. Sadie was quickly becoming more important than
I ever thought she could be to me.

That was about the time when it all went to shit. You
already know she caught me. I read it myself. I just didn't know at the time
that she saw anything and it wasn't how she made it sound. Well, maybe it was a
little.

Everyone had met up at Shawn’s to welcome him home from
the hospital. Sadie decided that it was a good idea to bring up the bar when
Shawn questioned her about how things were going to be, but she refused. I had
to go to work, so I left laughing at the two of them going back and forth about
what was acceptable. After I left Shawn's house and came up to work, I noticed
that Shelly and her friends were there again. I went into my office and did
some paperwork trying to avoid her. Eventually I had to go out on the floor and
check on some things and that's when she cornered me again. I fucked up, I
know. But when she came at me, my lower body didn't like what my head was
telling it not to do. I had to repeat in my head that Sadie didn’t want more. I
couldn't hold out for long and that's apparently when she saw me.

Remember now that at the time, I had no idea she walked
in on that. The next thing I knew, I was watching her make out with some mother
fucker on the dance floor. Then he picked her up and threw her over his
shoulder. She was laughing so genuinely which is what I think dug the knife
even deeper. I have never wanted to beat the shit out of someone more in my
life. As wrong as it was for me to feel this way, it also hurt horribly. I know
that I asked for this but until that moment, I never understood truly what it
was that I had asked for, and I regretted the words ever having left my mouth.
My choices were slim. I could confront her, punch him or I could walk. So I did
the latter and walked away from my beautiful girl.

I changed my mind that night. I refused to sit in my
office and pout like a bitch. This was supposed to be the time of my life. The
times that makeup the stories you tell your friends about when your tied down
with five kids and a wife. So that's what I did. I wasn't rude to her but I
definitely created space .I told myself that I did nothing wrong. She obviously
was doing the same thing. I went back to just enjoying life and not worrying
about Sadie. I had even gone home a couple of times to see Maddie and I made
sure that I stayed focused on school. That was easy to do until the winery trip
happened.

Why did she have to look so damn good? She was changing,
morphing, I could tell just by the way she carried herself. Maybe being without
me was good for her. I couldn't stop staring, but as soon as she would look in my
direction, I immediately turned my head so I wouldn't be caught. That day
sucked to tell you the truth. I hated seeing her and not being close. If it
meant taking only what she was willing to give me, then that's what I was going
to do. Some how she had turned the tables and I was ready to do whatever it
took to have her back. But first I needed to talk to her.

I had Dave drop me off at her house praying she wouldn't
slam the door in my face. I needed her, therefore I needed her forgiveness. I
apologized for reacting the way I did and have never been more nervous for how
she was going to respond. When she accepted it so easily I couldn't hold back
the urge I felt to press her lips against mine. I missed everything about her
so much. You would think that a guy like me would have used that opportunity to
get her in bed. But the only thing I wanted, was to hold her in my arms again.
So that is exactly what I did. I’m sure you’re wondering why I left without
saying goodbye the next morning. I was torn now for another reason, I was
falling in love with her.

Christmas break gave me a lot of time to think about what
the hell I wanted to do. Being home was just weird. It was like we were a
family again. Don't get me wrong, Jamie and I were in no way hooking up. But
for that amount of time, everyday waking up in the same house, it started to
make me see things a little clearer. This was what I am. I was a dad. I had
responsibilities. Back in Illinois, I had less than two years. Less than two
years with her. Are you understanding what I'm saying? What would be the point
in getting closer if I was just going to lose her anyway? She didn't give me
any reason to believe she wanted more. If anything she made it very clear that
she wanted to experience life just as much as I did. I apologized for how I
reacted that night but it never did go away. Seeing her with that guy is burned
into my brain. Then add that we didn't speak once while I was gone. After the
first week went by and I hadn't heard from her I thought, maybe she wanted the
space. So I gave it to her.

I was so excited to get back to school, work and Sadie
after the holidays were over. It crushed me to have to go back to weekends here
and there with Maddie but she understood, well as best a kid her age could.

Everyone was meeting back up at the bar for a coming back
party and I couldn't wait to see Sadie. I was talking to Brian when I felt her.
No she wasn't touching me, but a chill ran up my body and only she could make
me feel that. I looked over as she was walking in. What word haven't I used to
describe her yet? She looked phenomenal. As I was taking her in, I noticed she
was doing the same. It had been way too long. My whole face contorted to this
awkward smile that made my cheeks cramp. Yeah, I was becoming that guy.

Being back to work felt good and everybody was having a
great time. Watching her only made my heart feel more, which was so scary. I
was planning on asking her that night where she wanted this thing between us to
go. Well that was the plan until I saw her and Heather dancing provocatively
with every douche bag in the place. My jealousy was spinning out of control.
How could I be so stupid as to think she would want more? Right in that moment,
I saw a girl who loved her freedom and an asshole I was going to kill. He had
his hands all fucking over her. I couldn't control my anger if I tried.
Especially when I got closer and noticed she was trying to get the punk off of
her. My fist flew before it even registered in my brain. One second I was on my
way over there and the next I was standing over the guy. In that moment I knew
I screwed up. She was going to be so mad. I looked over at her and just lost
it.

I had known this would happen. There was no way I could
really prepare myself for how I would feel watching her with other guys. I
wanted her to be mine and to see that wasn't going to happen hurt so bad that I
got angry and lashed out at the one person I was falling for.

I know, I know. There is no excuse for saying her and
Heather were acting like sluts. And I did apologize profusely. But come on
people. They were grinding all over men that were not in any way attractive.
Yes it was for fun but it was also mean. That guy might have gotten too handsy,
but those girls were sending out the wrong signal if they thought men wouldn't
get the idea that they were getting lucky that night.

You all have your opinions and I respect that, so I won't
keep trying to get you to see it my way. In fact, I went into total panic after
the words came out of my mouth. I didn't know how to take them back fast enough.
And then to think Mike had to stand up for her toward me, me! He felt she
needed to be protected from me!  What a fucked up night!

Everything after that awful night was over happened to be
going really good. I spent as much time with her as I could. School and work
kept me pretty busy but Sadie was turning into so much more than I ever
expected. I still didn't know where we stood and was leery to push too hard. If
anything, my biggest fear was to ask her for more and then fuck it all up
because I still wasn’t sure if I needed something else from this experience. I
could tell she was starting to fall a little more for me. I also knew she
needed her freedom. What a cluster fuck situation.

Chapter 7

Now it's time to talk about the Chicago trip, oh boy.
This is going to suck. So much happened that weekend for me.

I'm sure the first thing you thought was strange was the
room situation. Yep, that was my call. As confusing as Sadie and my situation
was, I didn't want to have to try to answer questions about us to everyone
else. So having the girls share a room, I thought would solve everything.
Wrong!

After we got back from getting a few drinks, we immediately
separated into couples, so much for that idea. I had gone out on the terrace of
the hotel room to smoke a couple one hits, but when I came back in, she was
already asleep. I thought automatically something was wrong, I just didn't know
what it could be. I went and brushed my teeth and got in bed. Instantly I
reached for her, she was like a security blanket I could hold onto. Well
normally I could, but this time she pushed me away. I laid there wondering what
to do when I decided, to hell with it and grabbed her again. That time she
shoved me hard. There is nothing like being in trouble and having no idea what
you did.