Affliction (Finding Solace) (5 page)

Why would you do such a thing Colt? I know that’s what
you were thinking at the time. Well, that would be because I'm not always the
selfish prick you think I am. Believe me, I wanted to go running back to her,
time and time again, just begging her to reconsider taking me back. But she
needed this. I did too. I needed to know she had no doubts when it came to us
but I didn’t know what to do with myself without her. I did what was required
of me, otherwise I just worked out. I needed a way to convince myself that she
was right to do this. She needed this time more than I did. I hated myself for
putting her in the position in the first place. Then in hind sight, I realized
it didn’t put her anywhere, she did. She was always in control of what she
wanted to do and I needed to control my own life better. Time went by slowly
but I found that I had no interest in girls. Shocked? Me too! Really I just
needed her but if needing her brought her pain, I was staying as far away as I
could.

And I did, until she showed up at the gym Mike and I were
working out at and blew all that work out of the water. Well, she did and she
didn't. This time I stayed firm on the fact we were going to do what we wanted
to do with no regrets. It was our time to live life. It’s almost as if I
convinced myself that I needed to have it. I was such a fool. And after all
that time apart, shame on Sadie for excepting it also.

All that talk about staying friends with benefits was bullshit.
Sadie and I, as soon as we were done with the conversation, turned more into a
couple than we ever had been. We went out with other couples, we went out on
dates, we were just having fun with life in general. In all that time, Sadie
had her birthday and Heather and Jason got engaged. Things were really just
going great. Well, until around thanksgiving that is.

Chapter 10

I needed a haircut before I went home to see Maddie and
had asked Sadie if she could squeeze me in somehow. When she said no, I
completely understood. I didn't expect her to show up out of the blue and never
did I think the cops would break into my house. It had been 5 months since I
had anything to do with that closet. I just didn’t have a clue what to do with
it all, other than keep it as my own stash. The longer I owned it and it sat
there, the more paranoid I got. A new lock seemed to be added daily. When I was
dealing, it was in and then out. With all of it just sitting in my house, I
became crazy in a way. How the hell did I get busted when I had stepped away so
long ago? And to have Sadie there, it threw me over the edge of sanity. Having
them break down the door, throw her to the ground, the fear in her eyes as she
searched for me, it all was more fucked up than I could ever explain to you. I
hit rock bottom that day and had never felt like such a piece of shit.

You all know how it worked out. You also know how I cried
like a baby. It’s never been easy for me to open up to anyone but with her, I
always felt like I could be myself. Then I went and risked so much and never
once thought of the consequences. How fucking stupid could I be? Keep reading
your about to find out.

I refused to take things for granted anymore. That opened
up my eyes to all the wonderful things I had to appreciate. So when I was
fortunate enough to be able to spend Christmas with Maddie, I made sure to get
something special for Sadie. I asked Jason to give it to her but I guess you
knew that too. When I had the jeweler make it, she looked at me like I was
crazy. She kept asking me if the word love wouldn't be more appropriate, like
it was her decision to make anyway. I was paying for it, so I think I should
get what I asked for. All the days before Christmas I wanted to call Jason
fifty times and tell him to forget it. What if she hated it? What if she
thought it was too much? I just needed her to know how much she means to me .How
that one word ‘Stay’ was everything I hoped we could have together. When I
finally did hear from her, she loved it!!!! It felt so good to know that
somewhere, somehow we were connected by something.

Coming back after the holidays meant I could spend more
time with her and finally see if this was going to lead us into something. But
that time never was spent together, Tony got cancer.

Sadie spent every extra second she had helping him. I
wasn't jealous once. That poor dude almost died, but with all the extra time I
had on my hands, I had no choice but to think about my future. Graduation was
coming up fast. It seemed to be right around the corner. That was when I went
to meet with Western University about the job offer. She was busy and
Valentine's day was here. Would there be any point in showering her for a day
if it meant the one following it we would go back to questioning everything. So
I pulled away again, that one action seemed to be defining me.

We need to go back a step because I forgot one of my
favorite parts.

Do you remember when Sadie showed up at my place dressed
sexier than I had ever seen her, only to show Bryan’s little sister Marissa
instead of me?? Holy shit that was funny! She was so mad. Alright, I just had
to say something about that one. Now back to the story.

She was pretty pissed again at me when I didn't tell her
why I had been distant. Missing her finally pushed me to the breaking point and
I forced myself to call her. She didn't answer so I called until she did. I was
going to make her talk to me. There was no way I was going to let her go that
easily. But she didn't answer, some dude named Kaleb did and I wanted to lose
my shit. Who the fuck was he and why was he answering her phone? I stayed as
calm as I could and asked if I could please speak with Sadie. That's when he
told me that she was passed out a party. With all the roofies out there and the
sicko guys giving them to girls, I made him tell me where they were and I drove
over right away.

She was still passed out but it didn't keep her from
swinging at me. You all have no idea how much that shit hurt. She has a serious
arm on her. But the need to keep her safe won out and she was home with me
within twenty minutes. We talked and then talked some more. I had been worried
about how she was going to handle all of us leaving but she assured me that she
was going to be okay. I had to accept that too.

Chapter 11

Now here is when I tell you everything went to complete
and total shit. My life, my love, my self-respect, my everything. I can't go
through the story about Maddie again, I just can't. She gave you all the
details so I know you have to respect me enough for just this one favor. The
rest I will suffer through and tell.

I came back destroyed. So at first all I thought I needed
was Sadie. The whole flight back, she was all I could think of. Once I saw her
everything was going to be okay, it wasn't. Then I convinced myself that I just
needed to feel her. That if I could have her completely, all my pain would
disappear, it didn't.

And when all of my efforts were spent, I was still
broken. Not just for Maddie but now I had hurt Sadie too.

I should have talked to her that morning. I should have
let her understand, I just couldn't. I needed to wallow in my own pity, feel
sorry for myself. I pulled away from everyone and everything I knew. I started
binge drinking, sleeping with any girl I could get my hands on, just about
doing everything I knew not to, because why not? I lost everything and I had
nothing more to lose. If I hadn't lost it, I fucked it up and threw my chance away.
I had nowhere to go, no body to trust. I was fucked.

She had tried calling, actually I knew she tried
everything she could but I couldn't face her. I always swore that I would never
hurt her and in the end I forced myself on her. How much worse could I hurt the
girl I loved? And I knew before I got back from Oklahoma that I was without
question in love with her. But now I was broken and I didn't deserve her. I'm
not sure I ever did. She gave me so many chances. I didn't deserve her
forgiveness and I knew it. So I did the one thing I knew how to do best, I
avoided her.

When I got to my house that day and saw her there with
Tony, I didn't know what to do. I had been hanging out with the nastiest girl I
could find because I knew I didn't deserve better. Her name was Morgan. She
would party with me till all hours of the morning and that's all I seemed to
have been doing lately. I never wanted Sadie to see me like that and if I
wasn't in such a state of shock, I probably could have stopped what happened that
day. When Sadie punched Morgan and broke her nose, I didn't even ask Morgan if
she was okay. I just stood in place and watched the love of my life drive away.
I looked down at Morgan and then turned and walked into my house, never once
even looking back. She was a bitch and I was glad Sadie did what she did. The
pain in Sadie’s eyes only pushed me down more. I refused to hurt her any more
than I already had. She was officially part of my past now or so I tried to
convince myself yet again.

A lot of time had gone by between then and the next time
I saw her. Things were getting better because I finally stopped feeling sorry
for myself and decided I needed to live instead of exist. When I contacted the
University that had offered me the position, I never thought that luck would go
my way. I was shocked to say the least to hear that the position was still mine
if I wanted it. And believe me, I needed it a hell of a lot more than just
wanting it. They even told me I could start immediately. Graduation was right
around the corner and I was so thankful that in all my depression, I didn't let
my grades slip and fuck up the only thing I had going for me left.

By this time, I had given up on trying to keep Maddie in
my life. Again I ask that you understand my need to not share those feelings. I’m
giving you more here than I ever thought I even could, so please understand that
one just hurts way to fucking much.

Shawn and I decided to put together a farewell party for
all of the employees that we would lose due to the graduates working for us. As
it was we would be leaving with them.

Everyone showed up for this one, including the one girl I
couldn't face. When I saw her walk in, my breath left me. She was more stunning
than I could remember. She looked a little lost at first but her head popped up
when she heard Tony whistle. She really was better off without me. The
confidence she alluded was truly remarkable. The sad girl I once met had
morphed into one amazing woman, one I would never hold in my arms again. That
thought brought tears to my eyes so I immediately ducked back into my office.
Everyone already knew I lost my shit a couple weeks ago, there was no way they
were going to see me cry.

When I walked in, Shawn was just leaving so I grabbed him
before he could make it out the door. I needed to tell him about the job I had accepted.
I knew no-one other than him that would share in my excitement. His face showed
the pure shock of the situation. It was hard to believe. His first reaction was
one I didn't expect out of him at all, "What about Sadie?"

Not congrats dude or way to go, it was only Sadie on his
mind. I couldn't blame him, she was all that was ever on mine as well. I
explained the best I could that I couldn't ask her to forgive me. I had already
asked for way to much tolerance from her. He didn't push but definitely made
his opinion clear when he said, "this is still fixable. Do something
before you add this one too to your list of regrets." Then he walked out
the door.

I sat behind my desk with my head in my hands. How can
you fix the impossible? The girl I saw walk in, would never want to put up with
someone like me. I was finally getting to the point that I could hold my head
up, I didn't need to be kicked in the gut. As thoughts were swirling in my head
I heard it. The voice that floats through every dream I have was singing
Against All Odds by Phil Collins.

How can I just let you walk away?

Just let you leave without a trace

When I stand here taking every breath with
you, ohh

You’re the only one who really knew me at all

My feet were not my own once again because I would never
have walked to that door and opened it. But I found myself looking straight at
the most beautiful woman in the world. Only she didn't look the way I had just
remembered her. She had her eyes closed but that didn't stop the tears that
were falling down her face as she sang and nothing was going to stop the ones
falling from mine. Every word in that song ripped at my soul. If she meant what
she was singing, she did still want me. How??

How can you just walk away from me when all I
can do is watch you leave

‘Cause we’ve shared the laughter and the pain
we even shared the tears

You’re the only one who really knew me at all

It was the last words I heard that really caused me to
question everything I thought I understood.

But to wait for you is all I can do and
that’s what I’ve got to face

Take a good look at me now Cause I’ll still
be standing here