Affliction (Finding Solace) (6 page)

And you coming back to me is against all odds

It’s the chance I’ve got to take

Was she really saying she was waiting for me? The need to
rip her off that stage and kiss the hell out of her was becoming
uncontrollable. I was a bumbling crying idiot. I couldn't do this. I started to
really freak out. I had to get out of there. Had to! I damn near ran my ass out
of the door and didn't look back.

Chapter 12

That whole night I stayed awake thinking and then
rethinking of how I could make this work with her. I came up with nothing. But
God did I love her. I was starting to realize love isn't enough sometimes. I
finally fell asleep but as soon as I woke up I sent her a text asking to talk.
Not really, it was more like I told her we needed to talk. I sat there staring
at my phone, never looking away from it, not for even one second, wondering if
she was ever going to respond. I almost sent her another one saying never mind.
That's when it happened. She responded! I couldn’t wait to see her and tell her
how sorry I was for everything.

It was a whole day later that we met up at the coffee
shop that she and I used to go to. When I walked in she was sitting at a table
already. It was so awkward walking over to join her and I worked harder than
ever to hide my nerves.

She immediately started in on me but I was prepared for
this. She said nothing to me that I didn't already know. I hurt her. I pushed
her away. I stole any chance we had away.

I tried to explain how messed up I was. I also tried to
get her to see just how wrong it was to forgive me for how I treated her. What
I turned our sex into the night I came back, will forever be wrong. I didn't
understand how she could so easily look past it all. And then the shock of all
fucking shocks came out of her mouth, "Can't I get what little time we
have left."

We continued to talk and it got easier and better. We
were slowly becoming us again and it felt so good. I could have stayed there
with her forever just like we were, but the lady working there kind of kicked
us out. We said goodbye and I thanked her so much for accepting my apology. I
couldn’t take my eyes off of her as she got in her car and drove away.

The rest of the day was a blur. So many thoughts went
through my head. Could I confess it all to her? Did we really have a chance? I
thought about it for days before I eventually couldn't take it and I drove over
to her house. She wasn't home. I thought about leaving but then her car pulled
in her spot and she got out with a huge smile on her face. I loved that it was
me that could bring out that reaction with her. She invited me in and offered
me a beer. I needed all the liquid courage I could get if I was going all in
tonight. We started with the small talk again but this time I couldn’t take it.
I needed her to know how I felt. More so, I needed to know how she felt.

I kissed her so softly. Letting her know I would never
force myself on her ever again all in one kiss. When it really hit me that this
might be the last time we would be together I lost it. What if she said no. I
needed her like I needed my next breath.

I begged her to let me make it right. Let me take away
the last time from her memory and make a new one.

“Sadie, I can’t believe that this could be the last time
I get to have you. I want to do this right this time. Can you let me do that?’

“Colt, I didn’t think I would get this chance again. I
would do anything in this world to feel you inside of me one more time.”

I did everything in my power to show her just how much I
loved her. It was pouring out of me. This was all about her and how I could
make her happy. I wanted her happy. She started to rock showing me what she
wanted when I stopped her and said, “Remember beautiful, my way.” I wanted to
worship her whole body and preserve all the memories that I could. She was
breath stealing. She was ready and I knew it, but hearing her say, “I need you.
I really need you” caused me to lose it. I was inside of her not one second
later. She squeezed all around me almost causing me to blow before we ever
really got started. I grabbed her and pulled her in tight to me while I worked
off the need to finish. Having her in my arms triggered something in me and I
knew what I wanted in that moment was something I had never before done in my
life. I made love to the woman who owned my heart. When our eyes locked I was
gone for. I wanted to scream at myself for wasting all that precious time, kick
myself for letting her go and drown myself in her body forever. I moved in and
out in a slow circle rhythm never letting go of her eyes. But I had to let her
go. I was leaving and she needed more than a half a man. That was all I could
offer her at that point. Sadie figured me out and started to cry. We both knew
it was ending, and God did it make it that much harder. She was everything I
needed and I never once told her that I loved her. I had so many chances to
figure it out and get it right and I failed. I was determined to get my shit
straight and then she and I would have our forever.

After we finished, we laid there while I held her in my
arms which was my favorite place for her to be. No words needed to be spoken.
Everything was said in that act. I held her so tight I thought she might break
until I unwillingly fell asleep.

I woke up the next morning hating that I had to go. She
was still in my arms and I didn't want to ever move. But until I was a whole
man, I had to follow through with my plan. I always knew deep down that this
wasn't the real end for us. I would never truly let her go. She was my forever
girl. I pulled my arm out from under her and slowly leaned down and kissed her
forehead. Only because she was sleeping did I work up the nerve to let "I
love you so much. Please don't give up on me yet" out of my mouth. I stood
up, getting one more long look at her so I could burn it into my memory and
then turned and walked away.

Chapter 13

I left the following day. I couldn't stick around knowing
I was that close to her and couldn't have her. Sadie represented what I wanted,
not what I deserved yet. Besides, knowing she was dating another guy was like
icing on the cake. I had a lot of work to do to earn her.

The new school allowed me to recreate myself, to become
the man I knew I could be, used to be. I got settled in to the place the
university reserved for me and actually liked it a lot. The campus was nice and
the staff was extremely friendly. Everything seemed to be perfect for a fresh
start, but in the forefront of my mind always sat my beautiful girl. I gave
space to her that I didn't want to give.

I went through Mike to get updated on how she was doing
and he told me the last thing I wanted to ever hear. Sadie was still seeing
that guy Burn, Ash, whatever the hell his name is. I wanted to run to my car as
fast as my feet could get me there, drive straight to her and tell her to
please wait for me, but I couldn't. I needed to let her experience life. Not
trap her in a relationship that keeps her from knowing what being young and
free felt like. I knew that what we have couldn't be found somewhere else, or
with anyone else for that matter. I waited a couple of weeks but I was dying
inside. The thought of her getting closer to this guy ate away at me. I focused
on myself getting better. I wanted all of the bitterness to go away. I would
hate Jamie forever but with every thought of her came one of my Maddie. I
needed to break that chain.

Eventually I couldn't hold myself back. I messaged her
once I heard that all of our friends were going to the lake and she was
bringing him! This was not supposed to work out like this. She was supposed to
see that he wasn't me and walk away. I was ready for her damn it, but I still
held out hope. They hadn't been together that long and we had history on our
side. Well, not so much of a good history but what we had was irreplaceable. I
waited for a response. Anything would have been better than nothing. I wanted
her here. I wanted her to be mine. I wanted what I should have always claimed
and not been a fool and taken it for granted. Well guess what? You don't have
to guess because you already know. She never sent me anything.

It was awhile after that, that I got a text from Bryan
saying he was coming back in town. I knew this was going to be my moment, if
she didn't bring the douche bag that is. Mike told me they were getting serious
and it only fueled me to get her to be here with me. Now I know you think the
only reason I wanted her was because I lost her and she moved on. You are
soooooo wrong. She had always been what I needed and she will always be the
only thing I need, or so I thought. Keep with me here, you will find out what I
mean.

I didn't go straight to the bar like I told Mike I would.
As I drove back into town, I messaged Sadie and told her I would be waiting at
her work. When I got there I thought I was going to throw up. Never would I
have imagined I could be so nervous but I had so much to lose. I got out of my
car and just stood there looking into her shop. When I saw her walking toward
the door I actually started to shake. It was when she looked up in my direction
and then turned and went back inside that all hope was lost. She didn't want
me. It was clear. I stood there trying to figure out what I was going to do. I
planned my whole future with her in it. Just then something caught my eye. She
was coming back out! My pulse rate shot through the roof. She slowly made her
way toward me and all I wished for, was she would run and jump in my arms. That
as you all know didn't happen either. I said hello to her and her only response
was "Hey". I don't know why I was hoping for more. I had put her
through hell and this was my punishment.

When she explained that she had forgotten her phone and
not that she walked back in because she saw me, lifted my level of hope a
little. God, did she look beautiful. She was an angel walking the earth and I
desperately needed her to understand why I left. I couldn't help but ask her
why she never did respond to the message I had sent her. That's when the Sadie
I knew all too well surfaced. She would always be strong when she needed to be.
And boy, she came at me with fire in her eyes. But what she said was pure
Bullshit!

I came there for her. Bryan being back in town just gave
me the excuse I needed to get through to her. I was ready to spill it all until
she said, "the one person who made me feel I was worth something threw me
away."

I couldn't move fast enough. I grabbed her and forced her
to look me in the eye when I said, "don't you ever for one single second
think I threw you away, I saved you." And I did. She has no idea how I
could have drug her down with me. After everything Jim had done to her, I
refused to damage her more.  I would have broken her. But by the look of
things, she felt that I already had. She stayed strong, telling me how she's
with the Ash guy now and she just wanted to be friends, but I knew better. I
could see it in her eyes. She was fighting it pretty well but we still had
something and it was boiling between us. Sadie quickly determined it was time
to go. She wouldn't even ride with me. She walked to her car, got in and drove
away.

I stood there a couple of seconds longer, allowing the
tears to fall from my eyes again. No-one was around to see but I didn't care if
they were. I used to think that crying was for sissies, that was before I
learned what pain truly felt like and the only way to let it out was to shed
tears. I had done way more damage to her than I ever thought but at the same
time, she gained strength and I could see it. She was building a wall to
protect herself from me and I needed to tear it down.

I got back in my car and drove back to the place that
consumed so much of my time while I lived here. Sadie must have driven slowly
because I found myself pulling in to the parking lot right behind her. I met up
with her at her car and offered to help her out but she refused. I begged her
to hear me out but she refused that also. I once again held back as she walked
away from me for the second time that night.

Walking in almost felt strange. I knew they would all be
at one of the tables in the back so I headed toward them. As I approached, I
saw she was talking to Marissa and heard her say, "Colt is.."

So to make her aware of my presence I finished her
sentence telling her, “Right here. How are you doing Marissa? It’s good to see
you again”.

When Marissa didn’t know I had moved Sadie made it a point
to tell her. That’s when I figured out she was mad because I left, but that
couldn’t be it, right? She knew I was leaving. We had talked about this, she
understood that we were all graduating and moving on. She was acting like she
was so uncomfortable around me, which I couldn’t figure out. We hadn’t got in a
fight, argument, nothing to warrant this behavior. Unless, she was trying to
turn off her feelings for me and I was determined to figure that out.

We got to talk with everyone for a little bit but then
she was running away to get a drink. Of course I went with her, come on people,
I needed her to let me explain. We took a couple of shots and I desperately
needed the alcohol to calm my nerves. I somehow was able to tell her how much I
missed her. Only then did she soften her shell and admit she missed me too. We
were finally getting somewhere. Everyone was having fun but I couldn't take my
eyes off of Sadie for long. She was just magical to me. Watching her dance and
laugh took me back to when things were easy between us. It was good to see all
of our friends again but truthfully, I just cared about one girl, and I needed
to get her back. Everyone eventually left and it was just the three of us. It
kind of reminded me of the first night I met her. Mike, Sadie and I hung out
for a little while before Mike bailed again.