Affliction (Finding Solace) (9 page)

She looked stunned but then told me, "Colt, no I'm
not. Whoever is will love you so much more than I ever could have. Maybe things
could have been different, but how can we ever be sure it would have worked out
for us. If you question it one way, you need to think about the other. At least
we can still be friends. If we would have broken up it could have led to
bitterness. This way there is none."

I couldn't process what she had said right away. I was
too focused on how to deal with all of my feelings. "I still love you
Sadie. How do I let that go?"

"You don't have to. I still love you." That
stung. Hearing those words come from her was like heaven shining down on me.
But it was what she said next that brought the clouds in. "You were there
through a pivotal point in my life. I was there for you through yours. What we
had was real, whether other people understand it or not. But it’s over. Our
lives have moved forward. We need to move with it. I can't live in the past or
with doubt. I don't want to."

I envied her. She had obviously made peace with what we
had and I was still lingering in it. Maybe she was right. Everything she said
brought Sabrina to mind.

"Like I said, I'm working on it. The girl I am
dating really is pretty cool."

Sadie went on to ask me her name and to make sure I
wasn't making the same mistakes again with Sabrina.

I appreciated what she said more than she could ever
know. All of this talking made me think about the fact that I already have
something amazing back home, just waiting for me to see what was in front of me
and not take it for granted. I think pulling away these last couple weeks only
proved I wasn’t valuing her like she deserved, but that will never happening again.
My life with Sadie was meant to teach me how to always cherish what you have
and never let it go. Sabrina deserved a chance to be that girl for me and I was
ready to give it to her.

I looked into Sadie's eyes and said, "Thank you for
always being you. You still mean the world to me beautiful."

"You will always mean a lot to me too. Now, I need
to get back inside. I am part of this wedding you know. Come on."

I was ready. Finally ready to break away and move on. It
felt great!

"No thank you. I think I’m just going to get out of
here. I got to see everybody I wanted to see. I actually have a girl back home that
I might have a chance at spending some time with tonight if I hurry."

Her face lit up as she said, "Then what are you
waiting for? Get going."

I was so ready to get back on the road. If I was lucky, I
could track Sabrina down. I looked back over at Sadie as I walked to my car and
said, "Take care Sadie.'

I heard her say, "You too" but I never turned
around. My mission was to get the girl I was meant to have and she was only a
car ride away.

Chapter 18

I never turned on the radio, I didn't need the distraction.
I was so determined to do this the right way. That is, if she would have me
still. Nothing opened my eyes more than seeing Sadie one last time. She was my
past, I wanted nothing more than to hang on to my future now and I needed to
find her. I texted Sabrina's roommate Melanie and asked where I could find her.
Once I got the response I was hoping for, my heart rate kicked up two thousand
notches. Sabrina never held back when it came to telling or showing me how she
felt. The first time she said that she was falling in love with me scared me to
death. I’m not going to start lying now, what would be the point? She explained
that she didn’t say those words to hear them back from me, she said them
because they were true and I had a right to know. It had been so long since I
had been in a relationship where you openly shared how you felt. Somehow with
all of my regret eating away at me over the last few weeks, I forgot to
appreciate the best thing that ever happened to me. There was no way I was
going to make that same mistake again, especially not with Sabrina. She
understands all my faults and fears, yet she loves me more for them and I loved
her for everything she is. It hit me right then and there, I was in love with
Sabrina. I had been falling harder and harder for her all along and I refused
to admit it out of fear. All of the sudden it seemed as though I couldn’t get
to her fast enough.  

I finally pulled into the parking lot of the bar down the
street from her apartment called ‘Umies’. I turned the ignition switch off and
sat there for a minute trying to calm my pulse rate. I couldn't screw this one
up. I knew what she wanted and I was willing to show her that I was ready to
give her all of me. The guilt was gone. Sadie was happy and I deserved to be
happy as well.

I got out of the car and walked into the bar scared to
death. What if she was with someone else? Did I wait too long and dig my own
grave? I would fight for this one, I wouldn’t walk away and I was sure that I
was ready to do whatever I had to. But then I saw her, she was sitting at the
bar with her back to me. I slowly walked up to her, brushed her shoulder up to
her neck with the back of my hand and then landing my mouth on her ear with a
soft kiss. I whispered, "Hello sweet girl."

She jumped out of her seat and straight into my arms.

"What are you doing here? I thought you went to see
Sadie."

"I went to see all of my old friends and now I am
here to spend time with my girl. That is if she isn’t ready to kick my ass?"

Her face lit up. She was strikingly beautiful but in that
moment all that I could describe her as was mine. Sabrina grabbed my face
making sure our eyes were connected when she said, "Oh the ass kicking is
coming for sure " she pecked my lips again and with tears in her eyes said,
”I’m just so glad you came back home to me.” I have never been so happy in my
life. “There is no place I would rather be. It feels so good to be home.”

I know this wasn't the book you were expecting. It wasn't
a story but more of my explanation. I may have hidden my feelings a little too
well for Sadie to explain them properly. I made a lot of mistakes but life
wasn't easy for me to deal with at the time. I waged a lot of wars within
myself and lost what I thought was the one girl that understood me most. But I
was so wrong. What I lost was meant to be. What I gained was the most amazing
girl that I will never deserve, but hopefully always sticks around, and never
discovers that. I wanted a second chance at my youth but I gained a second
chance at happiness. For a while all I felt was what I lost. Now I only look
forward to what I have to gain.

Life can be filled with ups and downs but if I learned
anything, it was to never second guess your heart. Life doesn’t wait around for
you to figure it out and always appreciate what you have while you have it, not
later. Well, that's it. Thanks for taking the time to hear me out. Wish me luck
that I don't screw it all up again.