Anathema (15 page)

Don't worry about me
, he argues.
Just keep yourself safe.

Although the gym still offers the wide-open
space Evan claims we need, there are several places where water
puddles on the wooden floor from leaks.

"Great!" Celia mutters, shaking her head.
"I'll be right back." She heads back down the hall toward her
office while Evan leads us to a place in the gym which seems to be
free of water and leak potential. As Celia returns with buckets to
place around the room, Evan sizes things up before pointing to a
dry section of the floor.

"Why don't you lie over there?" he asks,
pointing.

"Okay." I glance at Lev to find him standing
stiffly a few feet away, his arms folded across his chest. He’s
gritting his teeth as though he doesn't like this any more than I
do, and he watches me carefully as I get down on the floor and lie
with my back to the polished wood.

"Now close your eyes and focus like you did
yesterday. I want to make sure you can still find the source before
we move to the next level."

I go through the relaxation steps, reaching
for the warmth, and this time, strangely enough, it's much easier.
Part of me thinks that's a good thing, but part of me knows better.
Making things too easy breeds complacency, and that's never a good
idea when power is involved.

At first, I only see the scarcest hint of the
light, like it's buried deeply, but I keep reaching for it, knowing
it's there. When I discover the heat, it's all I can do to handle
it, knowing what it can do to those around me. I feel it's been put
in such a poor vessel and that maybe the Triune is right; maybe it
has the right idea in searching for me, to deal with magic I cannot
even begin to understand.

"Open your eyes, Elizabeth, and tell me what
you see," Evan orders.

Reluctantly I force them open to find the
world has shifted to the grey landscape and the only light which
glows from it is that of the angels surrounding me. But even that
is not a good thing. I feel my body start to stiffen as I stare at
the brilliant glow. It's a knee-jerk reaction, much like all the
previous ones just before the power went berserk.

"I...I don't think this is wise," I mutter,
closing my eyes, trying to feign blindness. But this time, I see
the light even with my eyelids closed. I can't even fool myself
into hiding them by blinking. They are always present.

"It will be okay," Evan says in a reassuring
tone. "But you probably need to stand up."

My head spins with the bursts of light from
the angels, and everything feels tilted and strange. It's burning
up in here, and I want to go to sleep so this weird second sight
will leave me alone.

"It'll be okay," Evan coaches. "Just
stand."

"You don't understand," I murmur, trusting
myself to peer only at the floor where the spinning doesn't seem so
bad and there are no light sources to become targets.

"Yes, I do. Now stand."

Bile sits at the back of my throat and I keep
tasting it. I cannot seem to swallow it.

"Come on, Elizabeth. You must stand!" It
seems as though he's shouting, but I've never heard Evan so much as
raise his voice. Still, his command definitely has the desired
effect. I clumsily lurch to my feet and try to ignore the dizziness
as I totter upright.
This is wrong
, I think.

"Now listen to my voice," Evan demands.

I try, really I do, but even the sound of it
claws at my brain, and it seems to emanate not from one single
flash of light but from all around me, adding to the confusion and
chaos assaulting my senses. I can even hear the rain plunking down
into the buckets Celia has placed around the room to contain the
leaks. Everything is so loud.

"I can't place you," I whisper, reeling from
all the noise. I take a staggering step forward, which almost
causes me to fall.

"Listen closely to my voice, Elizabeth."

I shake my head, trying to rattle the
distortions from my concentration, but I can’t. As I look up, I see
three large blurs of light. None of them are distinct. Any of them
could be Evan.

"I'm right in front of you," Evan says.

So are the other two, I think. My vision is
hazy, and I blink two or three times, thinking that will clear it,
but no go. Frustrated, I chew my lip, certain it can't get any
worse. But then I see the white glow encapsulating my own hand as
the power prepares to attack.

"Focus on me, Elizabeth," I hear Evan say,
but his voice is so far away, and I'm trying to envision smothering
this fiery light, but it remains glowing beneath the image of the
blanket. I cannot kill the light. And then my hand starts
lifting.

"No!" I scream, fighting it. My knees buckle,
but my arm is unwavering.

"Aim at me," Evan yells. "At me."

"I don't know where you are!" I shout back. I
watch in horror as the light at the end of my arm grows too bright
I can barely look at it. Then it jumps outwards, the light forking
in two different directions.

I try to curl my fingers into fists to stop
it, but I have no control. The power has won. The world turns to
screams and blackness.

Chapter Eleven

"Elizabeth, can you hear me?" a far-away
voice asks.

"Yes," I murmur, my hand flying to my head
where pain continues to pulsate, paralyzing me. Someone is still
screaming, and the sound of it cuts through me. I can't even block
the pain. The world is still a grey blur, and I can't get it to
form recognizable shapes no matter how badly I want to.

Suddenly I feel a hand moving mine so he can
touch my temples. As his fingers rest there, the familiar comfort
of warmth surges through me, blanketing the pain and dulling it to
a bearable level.

"Lev," I whisper, trying to take his
hand.

"No, it's Evan."

Unprepared for that answer, I gasp sharply,
afraid of what those words portend. "Lev? Where is he?"

The screaming suddenly seems louder, and I
try to squirm upright, but Evan grips my shoulders and restrains
me.

"Stay down until your vision clears.
Okay?"

I nod and keep blinking, desperate for the
world to come back into focus. Something is really wrong. I can
feel it.

"Where is Lev?" I whisper.

"He's over there."

"He needs you!" Celia screams, her voice
sharper than I have ever heard.

I hear some shuffling beside me, and the hand
that helped to muffle my headache is gone. Although my vision still
isn't clear, I try to sit up.

"Take it , Elizabeth. You're pretty weak,"
Celia says."

"What happened?" I ask, my voice barely
coming out because my throat is so dry.

"You don't remember." It should be a
question, but it's not. She knows I don't.

"No. Where is Lev?"

"He's lying down in the corner with Evan."
Her voice is neutral, but I suspect there’s more buried there than
what she’s giving away.

The screams have died down to a whimper--a
painful gut-wrenching sound that makes my body hurt just listening
to it.

I start blinking furiously, trying to clear
my vision, and the grey haze retreats.

"Is that him?" I ask, feeling my heart rate
quicken. "Is he making that sound?"

"Yes."

More blinking. I can finally see Celia's
shape. Even though things are still blurry, I can tell she's
frowning and that something is really wrong.

"What happened?" I rub my hand across my
eyes, trying to clear any sleep from the corners—anything to just
get rid of this haze plaguing me. I push myself onto my knees,
preparing to get up.

"You shouldn't do that," Celia argues. "You
can't even see where you’re going."

"Take me to Lev," I demand.

"I can't. Right now, Evan is working on
him."

That makes me blink harder and faster,
desperate to be able to see and understand what’s going on.

"What do you mean?"

Her face is coming into focus, but her
expression is haunted, like she has seen something far beyond her
control and it scared her.

"Take it easy, Elizabeth." She tries to push
me back down, but I force away her hand and rise.

The world sharpens into focus, and I see Evan
kneeling over Lev. The screams come again. Lev's screams. He sounds
like a tortured animal that’s so far gone it’s begging to die.

I did this. It's my fault.

I stagger, but Celia catches my arm. "You
need to sit down."

"No."

I start toward Lev, but Evan quickly rises.
"Stay back! Now!" His voice is pointed and stalls me. Lev is still
screaming. Behind Evan, I can see him convulsing on the floor.
Celia hovers so close I can't breathe. I have to get out of
here.

I whirl and fly out the door. Outside, Celia
tries to grab my arm, but I yank free.

"Elizabeth, stop!" She tugs at me, forcing me
to stop running, but she can't hold me forever; the rain pummels us
in cold hard pellets.

"You want to die, Celia? Is that it? Didn't
you get a good look at what I did? You want me to do that to
you?"

Her hand slips away. "You didn't mean
to."

"It doesn't matter what I did or didn't mean,
Celia. He could die, and so could you if I stick around. The only
reason Evan seems to be safe is that he was the one who was
supposed to have the dagger to begin with."

I start walking again, heading for my
Jeep.

"You can't just run away!" she yells,
struggling to be heard over the storm.

"Yes, I can. It's better for all of you that
way."

She looks at me, pain lining her eyes, and I
know she wants to comfort me, but I don't deserve to be comforted,
not after what happened. For the first time, I’m starting to see
things from the perspective of the Triune. Maybe I am a monster who
needs to be put down. The sooner, the better.

I climb into the Jeep and force the key into
the ignition despite my trembling hands. Celia still stands by the
building. The rain has bogged down her natural curls and matted
them to her face, and I'm not sure, but I think there are tears in
her eyes. Or maybe it's just the rain.

I jam the shifter to reverse and back out of
the lot, knowing transportation is the least of Evan's worries. I
can't watch Lev die. I told Evan it would happen, but he wouldn’t
listen.

My vision is pretty much screwed considering
the heavy rain and tears I can't seem to turn off. I only make it
about a mile down the road before I have to pull to the side and
let the emotions storm through me. I can barely breathe because I'm
crying so hard and it hurts. I just keep seeing Lev lying on the
floor, and I can't get that image out of my head. His screams echo
in my thoughts until they’re all I can hear. Not the rain, not my
heart. Lev’s screams.

And it's my fault.

I don't know how long I sit there, trying to
stop crying, but the rain isn't helping. It just reminds me of the
hurt which starts me crying all over again. By the time I've
finally regained my composure, I have a horrible headache.

For an instant, I feel turned around and lost
but then I orient myself. I remember the park across the street.
I've seen it every time we've driven into town, so I know I'm on
the right road for home. I'm just not sure if I can go home, not
with this 'gift' inside me, trying so hard to get out and tear
angels apart.

Without realizing it, I keep staring at the
park, my gaze fixed on the swings as I think about last night with
Lev, and how perfect it seemed, as though everything would turn out
all right, and we would finally get some kind of chance to be
together as we were meant to be.

How many times do I have to be told being
with Lev isn't possible, no matter how much I might want it? Water
drips from my hair, and I wipe it away with a trembling hand.

Part of me wants to go back, but I know
better. This isn't a battle they should have to fight. I made the
choice, and now I have to live with it.

I'm staring at the park through the smudged
windows when I see the first conspicuous play of light, even
through the distraction of storm and lightning.

At first, I want to play it off as nothing,
but something in the back of my head won't let me. If it weren't
raining, I'd say it was a trick of sunlight off the metal slide
which should have been replaced long ago, but it is raining, and
nothing should flash that brightly. Lightning?

That doesn't seem right, either. I blink
hard, grab a tissue from my handbag, and wipe it across the glass.
Although a lot of the distortion is from the rain outside, it does
get rid of the fogginess.

Still, I end up rolling the window down so I
can really focus. I cup my hand across my forehead to block the
frigid rain, and that's when I see it again--the blinding light.
But this time, it has dimension and form.

Angelic. It’s massive, like the beings from
my dreams, with wings that are twice as tall as its body.

A strangled gasp escapes my throat, and I
quickly roll up the window. I don't know if it’s because I've
finally been able to detect it, or I'm expecting to see angels so
that helps me track it, or what, but I can now follow its slow
progression across the sodden playground toward the street next to
where I've pulled off.

My heart starts thundering in my chest, and I
furiously roll the window up, gasping to take in enough air. The
being edges closer, and I know it's too late to drive away without
calling attention to myself. Instead, I sprawl across the seat.

Despite the discomfort, I remain in the same
position for what seems like an eternity before risking a glance.
Through the speckled glass, I can see nothing unusual, no flashes
of supernatural light. Still, I keep blinking, trying to detect
whether my eyesight is failing me. Am I missing it? I squint,
searching harder before I finally dismiss the fact that I’m just
not seeing it. The glow is gone.