And Playing the Role of Herself... (10 page)

The front door closed with a hollow thud, and I looked quickly towards the sound. A tall, dark-haired man in khaki shorts and a navy polo walked down the steps and headed towards a white Volvo SUV. His steps slowed as he noticed me, and he waved tentatively, peering into the semi-darkness.
"Hi…can I help you?" His voice was cautious, and he looked back to the door quickly, as though gauging the distance in case he had to make a run for it.
I felt rather foolish, standing in Robyn Ward's driveway, being addressed by a man who, I was sure, thought I was probably a fan looking to rummage through Robyn's garbage…my embarrassment spurred me into movement and I pushed off Twila and started walking up the drive.
"Hi," I said brightly, giving him a friendly, non garbage-stealer smile. "I actually stopped by to talk to Robyn, but it looks like she's got some company."
He slowed to a stop as I approached and watched me suspiciously, then suddenly his eyes went round. "Oh my god. You're Caidence Harris."
I smiled slightly and nodded. "That's me." When he was close enough, I stuck out my hand for him to shake. "And you must be a friend of Robyn's?"
He took my hand absently, still staring at my face. I raised an eyebrow at him questioningly and he smiled sheepishly. "Uh…oh…sorry…Cal Paskins. My wife went to college with Robyn." He dropped my hand and snapped his fingers. "Damn, that's right. Josh told me that you and Robyn were friends."
I hope,
I thought fervently,
I hope we're still friends.
"Listen, Cal," I said, deciding that my plan could use some tuning, and that I could do this another day, "I don't want to interrupt your party. I'll just come by another time."
"Oh, no, don't leave…hell, it's not like it's a big to-do or anything, we see each other all the time. Please don't go on our account. I'm sure Robyn would love to see you, and so would Josh, from the way he talked about you…"
I tilted my head. "So Josh is here, too?"
Of course Josh is here.
"Uh-huh," he answered, and turned towards the Volvo. "Hang on a sec and I'll walk in with you." He unlocked the SUV and grabbed a gray sweater from the front passenger seat, holding it out to me triumphantly. "Lisa sent me out to the car to get her sweater…she gets cold when the temperature goes below seventy-five. Amazing to think that woman grew up in Minnesota."
I smiled. "Are you from Minnesota too?"
We started up the path to the front door. "Oh no, I'm a California boy. Grew up in San Jose. I'm not too fond of the cold either, but this," he waved one arm at the evening around us while opening the front door with the other, "this is not cold." He held the door open with a flourish and motioned me inside.
I laughed, and crossed the threshold into the entryway just as Robyn appeared around the corner of the stairs that I remembered led to her bedroom. "Cal, are you talking to yourself out there? I told Lise you were craz…"
She stopped short when she saw me, emotions flickering across her face. The one that lingered was anger.
Crap. She was still angry with me. That wasn't really part of my plan either. I was starting to think my plan sucked.
"Hey, Robyn!" Cal said enthusiastically, oblivious to Robyn's anger and my growing unease. "Look who I found outside. I told her I was sure you wouldn't mind her crashing the party, hope that's okay." He winked at me, confident in his belief that Robyn wouldn't mind me being here. I wasn't going to tell him he'd been dead wrong.
I smiled gamely. "Hey Robyn. I was wondering if I could talk to you for a minute?" I still wasn't sure what I was going to say to her; I only knew an apology for behaving like an ass that afternoon figured prominently in it.
I saw the muscle in her jaw twitch, but she nodded politely. "Sure." She looked over at Cal. "Lisa's been bitching about not having that sweater…I'd get down there if I were you." The smile she gave him was much friendlier than the look she turned on me once Cal had excused himself and headed down the hallway.
She walked down the last few steps to the entryway, coming to a stop several feet from me and crossing her arms. "Why are you here, Caid? I have guests."
"I know, and I'm sorry. I just…I needed to talk to you."
"Okay. I'm here, so talk." There was no softening of her stance, and I shifted nervously.
"I…crap." I shook my head. "I'm not sure what I want to say…"
She looked at me in disbelief, and stepped towards the door. "Come on, Caid…"
"No! Wait…." She stopped and slowly settled back into her defensive stance. I gnawed on the inside of my cheek, trying to gather my thoughts. "Okay, first, I want to say I'm sorry for being such a bitch this afternoon. You were right, I was nervous, and I took it out on you. I'm sorry."
She started to say something, but I continued on. "But to be honest, I really was upset about how you blew me off this week. One day you're talking about making new friends, and the next, you don't even talk to me. It…" I paused, and then finished quietly, "It hurt, Robyn."
I looked over at her, but she hadn't moved and her expression was stony.
This isn't working.
"Is that it?" Robyn asked coolly, uncrossing her arms to walking to the door. "I need to get back to my guests."
I ran a frustrated hand through my hair. "Why are you doing this? Pretending like there's nothing between us?"
"I don't know what you're talking about," she said stiffly, and pulled the door open. "I think you should go, Caid."
Angry now, I stepped forward and pushed the door shut, leaving my hand on it so she wouldn't open it again. "We're not finished."
The move brought us close together and she stood her ground. We stood, toe to toe, glaring at each other, her eyes black pools in the dim light, dark and full of emotion, the cool remoteness vanished.
Beautiful
, I thought.
So beautiful.
"Damnit Caid," Her voice was low and rough, her breath whispering across my cheek. "What do you want from me?"
"Whatever you can give me." I whispered, my eyes dropping to her mouth.
We reached for each other at the same time, coming together in a fierce clash of lips and tongues, my hands in her hair and hers splayed across my back, pulling my body against hers roughly. We swayed and stumbled against the door, neither of us noticing as the kiss deepened, losing some of its urgency and becoming more of a mutual exploration than a battle for dominance.
It was like nothing I'd ever felt before; the heat that pulsed through me at her touch, the intense craving for more, and under it all a sense of safety, of trust…I wanted to give myself over to it, to her, and let myself fall.
I loosened one hand from her hair and ran my fingers across her cheek, down her neck and over the swell of her breast, pausing briefly at the sharp intake of breath before continuing down the long length of her torso to the hem of her shirt, slipping beneath it and brushing hesitant fingers over warm, soft skin.
Robyn stilled in my arms and then attacked my mouth with renewed ferocity, slipping her hands into the low waistband of my jeans and pulling our hips together, sending a dizzying wave of desire through me that forced a groan from deep in my throat.
"Oh…god," I breathed, tearing my mouth away from hers. She took the opportunity to trail her lips along my chin and suck gently on my neck, just below my ear. I trembled, overloaded with sensation. "Robyn…please," I whispered, not even knowing what I was asking for.
Her whole body stilled, and she swore softly in my ear. Her hands gripped my hips and pushed me away. "Caid, I can't. This…I can't do this."
I stumbled back, blinking at her stupidly. "Wha…"
She shook her head violently, avoiding my gaze. "I'm not going to be an experiment, Caid. I can't be that. Not with you."
I stared at her in confusion. "Experiment? What…" I stepped towards her, and she took a step back. I frowned. "What are you talking about?"
"This," she said, waving her hand between the two of us. "I'm not going to be your experiment in the wonders of lesbianism. I've been there before, and it always ends the same."
That stopped me. "You've done this before?"
"Yes," she admitted quietly. "I'm gay, Caid. I haven't been with a man in years."
I processed that for a moment. "Then why are you backing off? There's obviously an attraction…and more. Hell, Robyn, I can't get you out of my head. I think about you constantly, want to see you, be with you, make you smile…I'm crazy about you."
She smiled sadly. "And I'm crazy about you too, Caid, and that's why I can't do this. You're straight, I'm not, and this can only end badly if we let it start."
I snorted. "Let it start? Don't you think it's a little too late for that? Do I need to remind you what we were just doing?" I held out a hand to show how I was still trembling. "I'm still shaking from what you do to me."
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have…"
"Don't you dare say you're sorry!" I said intensely. "Don't you dare. I know you're not sorry, and you want this as much as I do. This isn't an experiment for me, Robyn. Just because I haven't been with a woman, that doesn't make what I'm feeling any less valid. I've known I was attracted to women for a while now, but this is the first time it's gone deeper than just attraction, the first time it's been worth the risk.
You
are worth the risk, Robyn.
This
," I gestured between us, as she had done, "is worth the risk."
I tried to reach for her hand, but she stepped around me and opened the door, her body ramrod straight. "I'm sorry, Caid. We'd both end up getting hurt."
"And I'm willing to take that chance! Damnit, Robyn, what are you so afraid of? You're the one who pursues her 'things' and lets the media think you're in a relationship with Josh for publicity sake…if anyone has a reason to be afraid, it's me. And you're going to let this go because I've never been with a woman? I'm not a teenager with my first crush - I'm in my damn thirties, for Christ sakes! An adult, with very adult emotions. About you." I touched her arm. "Please…"
"Robby?" There were light footsteps on stairs and Josh came into view, smiling in pleasure when he saw me. "Caid! Cal told me he ran into you outside. What are you two doing up here? Come down and join us."
I opened my mouth to say something to him, but nothing came out - I couldn't even manage a smile, I just looked at him dumbly for a moment before turning back to Robyn.
"Caid was just leaving." Robyn said in an emotionless voice.
"Robyn, don't do this," I pleaded. "Please don't do this."
She shook her head, looking at the wall behind me. "I can't. I won't. Please, just…go."
"Rob, what's going on?" Josh's voice was full of concern. "Are you crying?"
My eyes flew to her face, and I could see the telltale shine of moisture.
"I won't let you do this," I whispered, leaning in quickly and kissing her hard on the mouth. "I won't."
I drew back and stroked her cheek with the back of my hand once before turning and walking out the door.
As I stepped onto the porch, I heard her say softly, "It's not up to you, Caid," before she softly closed the door behind me.

I eyed my reflection in the full-length mirror critically.
Black had been my mood when I began dressing, and black had been the result - black, three-inch heeled boots, black leather pants that laced up the front and a short, black, silk camisole that stopped nowhere near the almost indecently low waistband of the pants. I'd used product to slick my hair back and a touch of black eyeliner to bring out the color and unusual shape of my eyes, and the overall effect was…
"Badass, slutty ho," I muttered to myself, and shrugged.
Well, I'd wanted to get noticed tonight, wanted a mainline of self confidence right to the jugular after a week of cool, mechanical civility from Robyn that had battered my emotions - and along with them my self esteem - into near submission.
This would definitely get me noticed.
Hell, maybe after the party, I'd go out, find myself a woman, and get this whole first-time thing taken care of. Maybe if I did that enough times, Robyn would see that this wasn't a damn experiment for me, and she'd let me back in her life…
I snorted at my reflection. "Yeah, right Caid, that's so you."
Okay, so I wasn't looking to get laid - at least not by a stranger - no matter what the outfit said to the contrary. There was something, though, about dressing this way, about knowing you looked good and that people were staring at you, wanting you…
I grabbed my keys and grinned ferally at my reflection, feeling my self-confidence come back in a rush.
You go, ho.
##
"Lagavulin, rocks," I said briefly to the short, thin man standing behind one of the five bars set up on different floors of the enormous concrete and glass structure that was Scott Ziem's house. Scott was one of
9P
's executive producers, and he was throwing this bash in celebration of the end of our second season, which we'd wrapped that afternoon.
The bartender nodded and went about filling a heavy glass tumbler with ice and splashing a generous portion of scotch over the top. He handed me the drink and a napkin with a polite, "Ma'am."
I smiled my thanks and stepped aside, nodding at a couple I didn't recognize as they took my place at the bar. I sipped my drink, enjoying the cool, earthy flavor on my tongue, and glanced around. Like the main level below, the walls and furnishings were blindingly white, and I had to stop myself from squinting. To my left, a white stucco wall overlooked the main floor, and I walked over to lean against it, watching the flow of guests below and the silent, white-shirted staff that wove through the crowd with practiced ease.
A loud, undistinguishable techno beat poured from hidden speakers, although thankfully not as loud on this level as it had been on the main floor. I'd been mingling for an hour and a half with that heavy thudding in my ears, and finally I'd come up here to escape it, to escape the press of people and small talk and just…breathe.
I idly contemplated going home. I'd caused a stir, raised some eyebrows, received the appreciative looks I'd been hoping for, and now I was tired, my head hurt, and the person I really wanted to see was probably a no-show.
And my pants were starting to chafe.
"Goddamn, Harris, I heard you were prowling around, looking like a cross between a Harley vixen and a playboy bunny, but I guess I had to see it to believe it. Shit, girl, you've been holding out on us."
I smiled and turned towards the voice, propping my elbows against the wall and regarding the small woman standing at the bar with amusement.
A former LAPD detective, Magda Chu was one of the three police procedure consultants that
9P
employed. Of mixed Chinese and Mexican descent, she had dark, hooded eyes, a small, dainty nose and a wide mouth - a face that was intriguing rather than beautiful, and I had to admit it had always intrigued me. We weren't close, but we got on well, and the smile I gave her was genuine.
"Magda," I greeted her, watching as she accepted her drink from the bartender and made her way across the room towards me with the careful attention of the slightly drunk. "Been here long?"
"Long enough," she grinned, and leaned against the wall next to me, blatantly eyeballing me from head to toe. "Christ," she said after a moment, and shook her head.
"I'm going to assume that's a compliment, and say thank you," I said, and sipped my scotch. "Where did you come from, anyway? I didn't see you downstairs."
She nodded towards a set of glass doors and the balcony beyond. "Out with the other outcasts, smoking my filthy cancer sticks. And yes, it was definitely a compliment."
I smiled, and tilted my head. "Can I bum one?"
She raised her eyebrows in surprise, but immediately reached into her jacket and pulled out a pack of Marlboro Lights. "I didn't know you smoked."
"I don't, usually…once or twice a year, I guess. Sounded good just now." I nodded towards the balcony. "Join me?"
"Sure."
I pushed off the wall and straightened to my full height that, with the boots, was nearly a foot taller than she was. She looked up at me and blinked. "Christ," she said again, before leading the way out onto the balcony.
There were other small groups of people on the balcony and I nodded to those I knew, not surprised at the pungent smell of marijuana in the air. Magda walked over to the railing and leaned against it, shaking out two cigarettes and handing me one. We smoked and chatted for a while, until Magda excused herself to find the bathroom. She left her cigarettes and lighter behind, and I tapped another one out and lit it, hoping she wouldn't mind.
"So this is where you're hiding! Shit, Caid, I've been looking all over for you."
The low murmur of conversation from the various groups of people around me stopped, and I turned my head to watch Liz sweep across the balcony, a pretty, dark-haired man that I assumed was her date trailing behind.
"Hey, Liz," I said and turned to face her, leaning my back against the railing. Her hair was parted on the side and fell in a shiny blond curtain over one eye, her pants were dark green and tight, and her blouse a scoop necked, short-sleeved white leotard that hugged her generous curves and had her companion's undivided attention. "Looks like you found me." I looked pointedly at her date, and she waved at him vaguely.
"Caid, this is Bruce. Bruce, Caid."
I nodded at him, got a glassy, vacant smile in return, and wondered for the thousandth time at Liz's taste in men. Liz plucked the cigarette from my fingers, and I frowned. "Hey!"
"Disgusting habit," she said, bringing the cigarette to her mouth and taking a deep drag before returning it to me, a smudge of bright red lipstick joining the deeper maroon of my own. "I thought we were quitting."
"We are." I tapped the ash off, took another drag and handed it back.
She took it, and nodded at the pack on the railing. "This is you quitting?"
"They're Magda's."
Liz grimaced with distaste. Liz and Magda were like oil and water. Liz was high maintenance, Magda was low patience, and their mutual contempt for one another was common knowledge. "You're out here with
Magda
?"
"Liz," I said warningly, having had this conversation before.
"I know, I know, you like her, you two are friends, blah, blah, blah." She sucked more smoke into her lungs and blew it out slowly, squinting at me through the smoke. "Shit, Caid," she handed the cigarette back to me, eyeing my clothes. "Those are great pants."
"Thanks." I smiled slightly and took a pull on the smoke. At the mention of my pants, Bruce transferred his attention from Liz's chest to my crotch, but the glassy expression did not change. I wondered idly if Bruce could speak. "Elona found them for me. Never thought I'd actually wear them in public, but it seemed like the night for it." I shrugged.
She looked me up and down again and pouted. "Elona never found anything like that for me." Elona Herst was Liz's personal shopper and stylist, and after hearing me complain one too many times about how I hated shopping, Liz had hooked the two of us up, and Elona had been shopping for me ever since. "You might even be showing more skin that Robyn tonight, and that's saying something."
I coughed out a large cloud of smoke, breathed some of it back in and coughed some more. Liz handed me my drink, which I drained quickly and was finally able to croak out, "Robyn's here?"
I felt ill, and suddenly my impulse to dress to get noticed seemed childish, silly and slightly desperate. I'd been waiting for her arrival all night, but now I wanted nothing more than to get out of here without her seeing me.
Liz looked at me speculatively. "She and the tennis hunk came in about twenty minutes ago." She took the glass from my hand and handed it to Bruce. "Bruce, honey…could you be a sweetie and get me and Caid another drink?"
"Uh…yeah, sure baby." He took the glass automatically and smiled at her adoringly.
She patted him on the cheek. "You're so sweet. I'll have a Pinot Grigio, and Caid? What were you drinking?"
"Lagavulin," I answered absently. Bruce's smooth, pretty forehead wrinkled in confusion, and I sighed. "Scotch," I clarified.
He nodded hesitantly, and Liz patted him on the arm. "Just ask the bartender for the scotch that starts with an "L", okay?" He nodded again and she gave him a gentle shove towards the balcony doors.
I shook my head as he walked away. "I don't get it, Liz. What do you see in these guys? Don't you miss being able to converse with your date?"
"I'm not dating him for his conversation skills, Caid," she said in amusement. "He has other skills I value just as highly." She picked up the cigarette, still smoldering where I had laid it during my coughing fit, and dropped it in an abandoned glass along the railing. "Now," she continued, turning to me and crossing her arms, "tell me what in the hell is going on between you and Robyn."
Her question took me by surprise, and I paused before answering. "What do you mean?" I finally answered, trying to keep the defensiveness out of my voice. "There's nothing going on between me and Robyn."
She made a dismissing motion with her hand and glared at me. "That's crap, Caid. Two weeks ago, you two were laughing, talking…you were
friends
. Shit, the woman was insane with worry when you crashed your bike - she ran out of the party before I even finished telling her what happened. And now, you treat each other like strangers, and I don't think I've heard either of you laugh in a week. Something happened, and I want to know what it is."
"Nothing happened," I snapped. As always, when she used that imperious, you-will-do-as-I-say tone of voice, it pissed me off.
"Bullshit," she snapped back. We glared at each other for a moment or two, and her gaze softened a little. "Caid, talk to me. I know sometimes I'm a flake, and I'm not the most observant person in the world, but I can tell you're upset, and I don't like to see you upset."
"Liz…" I sighed and my anger drained away in the face of her concern. "It's between Robyn and I, something we need to work out. I'm sorry, that's all you're going to get."
She nodded, obviously still curious, but reluctantly letting it drop.
Bruce came back with our drinks, Magda came back for her cigarettes, and the four of us stood around uncomfortably while Liz and Magda glared at each other, Bruce stared at my pants, and I resisted the urge to chain-smoke the rest of Magda's smokes in an effort to distract myself from the fact that Robyn was roaming around somewhere close by.
Liz and Bruce eventually left to mingle downstairs, and after smoking one last cigarette with Magda, I decided that it was time to brave downstairs and make my getaway. I thanked Magda for the cigarettes and conversation and left her talking with a group of crewmembers that had recently joined us on the balcony.
I stepped through the glass doors and immediately froze when I saw Robyn leaning casually against the bar, holding a small glass and watching me with a predatory gleam in her eyes that immediately made me wary. Her eyes wandered down my body and back up again, and when she met my gaze again she downed the contents of the glass and smiled. It was not a nice smile.
I swallowed and forced myself to nod politely. "Robyn."
She looked, as she always did, amazing. I took in the off-white, wide-legged pants and a black corset-like blouse that ended just below her ribcage, and wondered if there was ever a time when she didn't look amazing. Probably not, I decided, and realized she was talking to me.
"Well you didn't waste any time, did you?" Her voice was loud and slightly slurred. "Looks like Magda is happy to help you out in your little 'exploration', hmm?" She pushed off the bar and walked towards me, wavering a little before catching herself and continuing on.
Robyn was drunk. Very drunk.
And about to babble my personal shit to twenty or so people who were watching us eagerly, just hoping this would turn into something worth retelling
Fantastic.
I smiled brightly and stepped forward. "Can I talk to you for a minute?"
Without waiting for an answer, I walked past her, hoping she would follow. I crossed in front of the bar and headed down a darkened hallway, looking for some place away from prying eyes to ask her what in the fuck she thought she was doing. Extremely conscious that she was right behind me, I tried a few doors before I found one that was open. The room turned out to be a small bathroom - I flicked on the light and gestured for her to enter.
As soon as she was past me I closed the door and turned to face her, crossing my arms. "What the fuck are you doing, Robyn?" I asked angrily. "You want to cause a scene in front of twenty crew members, go right ahead, but leave me out of it. And fucking leave Magda out of it, too. She's got nothing to do with this."
She ignored what I'd said, running her eyes over my body appreciatively. Everywhere her eyes touched, I felt heat, and cursed my body's betrayal.
"I guess," she murmured, finally meeting my gaze with a mocking smile. "I really can't blame her. Hell, Caid, you might as well hang a sign around your neck that says 'fuck me'." She tilted her head to the side. "Is that all you wanted? Hmm? Just a quick fuck to see what it's like? Because if that's all you want…"
She stepped forward quickly and pushed me against the door, slipping a leg between mine, then grabbed my hips and rocked me slowly against her thigh. I was too stunned to move at first, and then too overwhelmed with sensation to do anything but close my eyes and let my head fall back against the door with a groan. I felt feather light kisses along my neck, and Robyn laid her forehead on my shoulder, still rocking our bodies together gently.